21 year, 5 years, 5 days

[Travisoldyelle]

To all the want to be love guru’s here a story for you…

 

Me and wife have been married for 21 years, I married her when I 18, and I’m about to be 40. Love keeps you together that long, through all the up and downs. We had some good years, and some very bad years. But I loved her, we both made a mistake with other people, I am sure if ask my wife she will say I made more and she made less. Yet, that was when we were in our 20’s, and words ‘in our 20’s’ and stupidity go together like the words baby and crying. But between 25 and 35 our lives had been relativity quite. That was till five years ago and I had an affair, my wife found out about it. There was a many of heartaches that year, I cheated, she sleep with someone too, I found out, I sleep with some again…it went back and forth like for a while. Then one day she told me sleep with someone else, and instant thought was now I am doing it again…but as I looking at her thinking about my revenge, something clicked in my head…why are we doing this to each other, you don’t hurt person you love. I asked myself, well do I love her, and the answer that came to me was...yes. I promised her and myself right then and there, I was done with affairs. I made that promise, and in return she made same promise. I know that when you really love someone, they are the only person in world, so and I knew didn’t love her like that because I had been cheating, but I also knew in moment I wanted that love back badly.

 

So it’s been 5 years and I have been keeping my promise to her. Even that one time after our promises, a few month later she did something again, I forgive her, and didn’t seek revenge. I probable derived it. So we both were two Cheaters trying to make a new start.

 

In these last 5 years, I have tried to be the most kindness, loving, respectful, and faithful person I could be. I have been very good to her. I had a rough start there were trust issues, checking phone and web history, I think all things one would do if thought the other maybe doing something. After a few months of not find anything a little more trust was earned, day by day. IT some point I got where I stop checking. For her it was more difficult, after five years she still liked to check my phone, but I thought she was getting there....meaning starting to trust again.

 

For me the last five years where great, because in the process of forcing myself to be kind and respect to her again, somewhere along those lines, I noticed I wasn’t forcing myself. I just wanted to kind and respectful to her, and realized I fall completely back in love with wife. The very thing I had been craving for, love, had come back to me.

 

Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking she was on the page, but five years after we made the promise to not cheat, and a just a few days after our 21th Anniversary, my wife told me that few weeks earlier she sleep with one of our friends while I out of town working. It happen at party, and everybody was to drunk to drive, the host let all the guess (our friends) stay. Not a stranger, but a friend, I guy who house I have been too, and whom I have beer within in between the time it happen and I found out.

 

I feel like these last few years were awesome, and I loved the hell out my wife, and she had my heart in the palm of her hand…and in that one moment she squeezed and shattered it. I remember all the crying, the fighting, and hurting, from five year before, and the pain, and promises. It hurt a lot then, and 'for the life of me now', I don’t under why she would want to bring all of that back. Only this time, it worse me, because now I was completely in love. Not a love, like I was comfortable and just use to her, but that LOVE where just glance at her, and her hair could be a mess, and she has been in sweatpants all day, and is wearing the ugliest shirt she owns…and think, she is still gorgeous as hell, and I so lucky. Now I am just filled with angry, sadness, grief, depression and whatever that feeling is called when you lost something and really want to find it.

 

Now she saying she is sorry, it want happen again, and love she me, and to forgive her…but can’t. I can’t help but feel like she could not let go of our pass issues, and now she created a new past, and don’t believe if she didn’t get over anything in the last five years, it’s going to be any better in another five years. Five years ago we promise each other never to cheat again, and if she couldn’t keep that promise then, I can’t help but not to believe any promises now. She say she loves me, but Love is emotion that got me back on track, and love is the emotion that prevents you from hurting someone, and the one that tells you she is only girl in world. The emotion that comes after cheating is guilt…not love. Loves is the one that prevents cheating.

 

I can’t believe if we didn’t learn anything in last five years, like not to repeat the mistakes of the past, I don't think we are not going to anything in the next 5 years. Now I know, this relationship is sick beyond healing, and need to leave…there is only one problem…21 year, have been ok, 5 years ago was horrible, 5 days ago she was the only girl in world, and look gorgeous in her ugliest shirt.

 

Who didn’t cry when old yeller died? Well, I feel like that boy looking down at his beloved dog, wondering if I really want to pull the trigger.

 

Then a min later, I wonder if all my fault for starting these pattern five years ago, and I still imagining us as that couple that meet at 18 and died at some ripe old age within days of each other.

[reinventmyself]

Wow. I can't imagine all years of drama the two of you have endured.

 

I guess after all that you become desensitized to it to some degree? I dunno.

You do know that it doesn't need to be this way. That you can live a peaceful drama free life single or better yet, with someone who holds monogamy and trust to a high (or normal) standard. Do you even know what that feels like?

 

I admire your commitment to turn this around and too bad she didn't share it with you.

I don't know where you go from here?

You weren't really asking for feedback so I'll ask you, what are you going to do now?

[Wiseman2]

Why were you both cheating to begin with? was there something wrong/neglected in the marriage? I would consider exploring all this in marital counseling.

[Travisoldyelle]

wasn't asking a question, just telling a story..

[TMifune]

I can’t believe if we didn’t learn anything in last five years, like not to repeat the mistakes of the past

 

I think the "we" is misplaced here. It sounds like you did learn something. It sounds like, as much as you can't be proud of your behavior in the past, that you've started to try to comport yourself in a way you can be proud of. That deserves to be recognized.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Itchy]

I like the way you paint yourself out to be the victim here, I can't have sympathy for you, I'm afraid, you started this mess and now your wife has seemingly all but finished it. The moment you chose to cheat is the moment you destroyed your marriage and instead of doing the right thing, the mature thing, and perhaps the most sensible to do (get a divorce), you chose to try and make things work, well five years on and things still aren't working, the marriage is as broken as it has always been, nothing has changed. I think now is the time to file for that divorce, walk away, start a fresh and learn from your past mistakes.

[Wiseman2]

Old Yeller had puppies with one of Travis' friend's dogs, and one of the puppies helps Travis get over Old Yeller's death. They take in the new dog and try to begin a fresh start.

Who didn’t cry when old yeller died? Well, I feel like that boy looking down at his beloved dog, wondering if I really want to pull the trigger

[Travisoldyelle]

I didn't say I was first, I said our 20's was just our 20's and young and dumb....i was only the 1st five years ago...but you right Im not a victim...I have share the blame.

[Travisoldyelle]

..and forgive my grammar and my typo...I am have been drinking for 5 days

[Travisoldyelle]

I just realized, I am venting about now, without actually telling you what happen 5 years ago.

 

We moved away from our home town, away from friends and family, about two year before the we had issues…we moved cuz of work, my wife when into a depression, no family she run up the road to visit, no friends to hang out with. Sometime when people are depressed, the depressions manifest it’s as anger. My wife was mad at me…a lot. Every woman complains about a toilet seat being left, my leaving up the toilet seat was an all-night fight about what I I was, and she would end up saying I want a divorce you, I don’t love you anymore. BTW, if your girl es about a toilet seat…it’s never really about a toilet seat. But little mole hills like that became mountains. In hindsight I see that now, but at the time….well that’s the value of hindsight. So I was getting more miserable by the day, never really getting or understanding that she was in this strange city with nothing to do during the day. You see we were 18 when we got married, she was a stayed at home mom, while I went and worked. Home all day, no friends just kids, and husband that worked all the time. That sadness, magnified as anger toward me. The fighting the about little stuff, was wearing on me. I get it now, why she was always upset, but then…I was clueless. I thought she hated me.

 

So I am working, and there is a guy in our office, he having an affair on his wife. He is ‘happy go lucky’ he divorces his wife and remarries the affair girl, and he couldn’t be happier….as I am writing this, I think they are still happy together. I was having bad time at home. I was getting unhappy and those fight were getting to me, I seen this guy was happy…so I started wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. I cheated…and let me tell for anybody even wondering about that grass, it’s green because it is artificial turf… So that was led us up to 5 years ago. I then after I cheated, it like well you’d love me, she cheated cause I cheated, how can you do this to me, I didn’t think you love that only reason I did anything….blah blah blah…until that night 5 years ago…I asked myself what the hell are we doing!!

[Wiseman2]

Great insight/analogy.

wondering about that grass, it’s green because it is artificial turf

[Travisoldyelle]

Something else that is killing me, if your read my previous post, you know what kind of mental state I was in 5 years ago, but even in those days when I wouldn’t have sleep with her friend, I had enough morals to know not to cross that line. Sleep with a random stranger, is a stab in the back. Sleeping with someone I know, whose house I have been too, and who I hung out with between the time it happen, and I found out, like having beers with the guy that sleep with my wife….that’s not a stab in the back. That feels like being stabbed in the back, and as I am bleeding to death they are laughing, then setting me on fire, and waiting for me to be buried to piss on my grave. (sigh) i tried sooo hard to this last few years, and total fall in love with her....Why now, I wish she wouldn't trick me then in thinking anything was going to change!!!

[Travisoldyelle]

Wow. I can't imagine all years of drama the two of you have endured.

 

I guess after all that you become desensitized to it to some degree? I dunno.

You do know that it doesn't need to be this way. That you can live a peaceful drama free life single or better yet, with someone who holds monogamy and trust to a high (or normal) standard. Do you even know what that feels like?

 

I admire your commitment to turn this around and too bad she didn't share it with you.

I don't know where you go from here?

You weren't really asking for feedback so I'll ask you, what are you going to do now?

 

To all your questions the answer was... no

and where I do I go from now...I don't know

[gigiselle]

I'm sorry your hurting. Have you tried marriage counseling?