He walked out 4 months before our wedding

[KFlint]

My Fiance and I had been together for 6 and a half years when he decided he wasn't happy and left just as we were receiving RSVP cards for our wedding. We have 2 children together and the youngest is just 9 months old. It's been a month now since he left but we have to see each other all the time due to the children. The first two weeks after the break up were the worst of my life. He was all I'd known since I was 18 so to lose him absolutely killed me inside However, I then started to realise that maybe I could be a better person and I have enjoyed the last 2 weeks being single. Now I am sitting here wondering how I actually feel. I feel so emotionless and numb that I'm not sure whether maybe I do still love him or not.

My question is how can I go about the no contact when he needs to be at my house half the time to see to the children?

I enjoy his company but I don't think it's right to see him so much because I'll have less chance to get over what we have lost.

is no contact really necessary?

[Hermes]

KFlint.

 

You feel the way you do because you are still in shock. A range of emotions will eventually kick in.

 

Why does he need to be at your house to see the children? Arrangements need to be made for him to see them elsewhere and at certain given and agreed times. As one child is only 9 months old then no doubt supervised visitation will be required.

 

And until those suitable arrangements are made (the sooner the better) then arrange NOT to be at your house when he comes to see the children. You can arrange for another person to be there.

[Wiseman2]

What was his reasoning for this? Continue contact for the sake of the kids but give yourself time to process this.

[KFlint]

He has currently gone back to his mum's house but he needs to have the children when I work mornings and nights which he can't always do there. So he will have to sometimes stay over during the night (downstairs) for when I get up for work first thing in the morning.

He left me because he 'doesn't feel the same anymore'. I may add that he started seeing somebody 2 days after he left me although quickly realised she isn't interested in more than being friends.

We do get on well still but I'm starting to feel like I'm not letting myself grieve properly by still seeing him.

 

Thank you, I do hope these emotions will come soon as I feel so clueless as to what I want or how I feel.

[No1]

Whos idea was it to get married? Were you pushing it or was he? Was this wedding a forced one... kind of like you XXXX or get off the pot or did he propose to you on his own free will?

There is no way you can go NC, just not going to happen and I dont think thats best. What I would suggest is counseling. Find a counseler (if you could afford it) who deals with couples.. Talk to them first then suggest to your X on coming along for a session..Who knows.. it could be something simple or a deep fear.

[Hermes]

While this erratic arrangement is in place, KFlint, you will be unable to grieve and get your life together again.

 

Does he have a job? Does he intend to live at his mother's for the foreseeable, and why can't he have the children at her house?

[Clinton]

Actually, if you have children between you, no contact really isn't an option. There are just too many things to talk about when raising children.

 

What you do need to do is put in boundaries. Establish guidelines about when to visit, when to call etc.

 

I had joint custody of my three children with my ex. She left me for another guy. It was really hard at first but you do what you have to do for the kids.

 

Might be an idea to sit down with him and work out details. rules and guidelines will help you get through this.

[KFlint]

I did suggest no contact other than when it's about the kids but he seems to open up other conversation. He does have a job. The reason he has to come here is because he finishes work at 11pm and I start work at 7am. So he gets here at midnight and I leave at 6.30am. Those days are fine as ill be sleeping but he is still around when I get up in the morning and sometimes even makes me tea still! His mum starts work at 4am so she can't have the kids there weeknights but he does take them there at weekends. He will also be looking for his own place within a month or two once I can sort finances out for paying for my current house alone.

Clinton, I think he did leave me to try to pursue the other girl but she isn't looking to be with him at all. I'm sorry that you had to go through it, it's so tough.

I've also considered counselling and suggested this before he made his final decision to leave aswell but he said no. So I'd be doing it alone!

I had also wondered if he got cold feet. He was so excited for the wedding and for me to share the name with him and the children and he was enjoying picking out wedding songs etc. But he said to me about 2 months before the wedding that he was scared that we'd end up divorced like both sets of our parents. He said he would never want that to happen and that if problems occurred, we would work hard to fix them. Anything but divorce. I have thought for the last month that this may be all a bit of a commitment/quarter life crisis but that might be wishful thinking in a hope we will one day fall in love all over again! 😦

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he would like to keep the status quo of just living together.

he said to me about 2 months before the wedding that he was scared that we'd end up divorced like both sets of our parents

[KFlint]

2 months before the breakup, not the wedding sorry.

He also says he hates being here when he has to stay here now too! To me, he seems very confused!

[Clinton]

Counselling would be a good idea, but for yourself, not couples counselling.

 

If it's too overwhelming to make the big decisions right now, don't. As long as you can function it may give you a bit of breathing space to leave things status quo for a bit. Eventually though, you'll have to pick a path forward.

 

Get to see a lawyer sooner than later and do go to counselling. It's not for everybody but I found it helped.

 

And as hard as it may be, kids are the top consideration right now. So stay strong for them.

 

It gets better. It took me a while but eventually I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I'm happy and healthy today as are my children. You'll get there too.

[Wolfshook]

Just dont let yourself get dragged into talking about other things than your kids.

[Hermes]

I am reading OP that you are still hopeful of a future marriage with this man. Yes?

[KFlint]

Thank you. I will do my best and try not to be dragged into anything other than child talk. I also agree that the decisions I'm making aren't coming through a clear mindset.

 

To be honest I don't know. In an ideal world, him and me would be together in the future but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Not at the moment. But it scares me that if contact that isn't necessary continues then I could easily fall for him again and have proper heartbreak all over again.