I cannot get over the guilt I feel over how it ended.

[HelpAware]

2 years ago, my first love split up with me because I was the worst boyfriend in the world. I can sit here and accept that now. I hurt her, I talked down to her, I made her feel so small. I was aged 19-21 when we were together, and it was the first proper loving relationship that I'd ever had. She was my world but I treated her so horribly. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression throughout the whole relationship and I know that I was a truly bad person to her. I wasn't in a good place to even be with her but she kept forgiving me repeatedly. I loved her more than I had loved another person. A part of me still loves her because she meant everything to me.

 

I never thought she would stop talking to me and after 2 years I still not cannot accept that she really does hate me. I have reached out many times but she doesn't reply and I know I don't deserve her to talk to me, I am a completely different person and I wish she could give me a chance to just be her friend. I know I am coming across needy and desperate, but I still feel unable to deal with having lost something which feels like I lost a huge part of me.

 

It is something that I think of every day, and with each month that passes I still think of her. It stops me from moving on and being able to forget the past because I just want to know her. I've read a lot about such things and I know it's common. I was a jerk and an a-hole, I have matured, grown and got a good job now. I just don't how to stop getting upset over the idiot that I was, and losing my best friend.

 

Please anyone?

[Wiseman2]

Often we idealize the one who got away, that's common. So is some remorse for relationships gone bad. She has probably long move on and is someone different now also. However you can turn all this around and use all this experience and growth to be in a great relationship now.

[Illinoiskid18]

"I am matured, grown up" But yet you are still just as depressed about it in this thread as you were back then. Chances are she has moved on by now, it's been 2 years..

My advice, go out and meet another girl capable of your love. Old loves truly escape our memory once we find a new love IME

[Hollyj]

Did you get any therapy for this?

 

Respect her enough to leave her alone. Move on with your life!

[gypsybird87]

You said you did not treat her well back then. Your chance to redeem yourself is to do the right thing by her NOW. And the right thing to do is to leave her in peace, and respect the fact that she has moved on with her life. Stop all attempts at contacting her. If your relationship with her was so terrible, why force her to think about it by trying to force her to contact you? Leave her in peace. She has earned it.

 

1. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made then. That is who you need forgiveness from. Yourself, not her. It is not her job to absolve you and make you feel better, especially not two years down the line.

 

2. Focus on what you learned from that relationship, and continue to work on being the best version of you that you can. Again, for YOURSELF. Not for her. You don't need to show her how improved you are now. It is not her job to validate you and your growth.

 

3. When you feel ready, seek a new relationship, and endeavor to be a good partner. At this point the best way to honor your first love is to take what you learned from your relationship with her, and apply it in a NEW relationship with someone else.

 

4. We have all loved and lost. We have all made mistakes. That doesn't mean we don't deserve to be happy. We all do, including you. Stop punishing yourself. She has let go. Now you need to. Two years of purgatory is enough. Forgive yourself, and move on.

[catfeeder]

Congrats on maturing enough to own the hindsight into your past behavior. Next step is to mature into ownership of the compassionate adult who can look at your younger self through a lens that can reconcile the lack of knowledge, skills and foresight that only come through one of two sources: being taught or teaching oneself.

 

Keeping yourself stuck in your past isn't growth, it's stagnation. The adult part of you knows this, and so you'll need to invoke your highest intelligence to change the critical voice you run in your own head. You DO own control over that. It's a decision.

 

I'd stop making it about the girl, and I'd start making it about recognizing the difference between the statement, "I can't" versus, "I won't". From there you can make a better choice.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.