Bringing up the past

[BlarneyStone]

Taboo or nah?

 

I personally won't do it, even if it's something that clearly wouldn't be a big deal, such as sharing a story about an experience with an ex, assuming the story is relevant to the current discussion (why arbitrarily bring up a story like that?). But I won't say something like "Oh yeah, I've been there before with my ex-so-and-so back in the day". I'll just say "Oh yeah, I've been there before, it's a lot of fun".

 

Is that weird? I've heard that not bringing up ANY past relationship stuff with a current partner is also a red flag. Which I don't get. If I'm focused on just me and her, I can easily avoid talking about any of my past dating life consciously or unconsciously. The only time I see this as being potentially okay, and granted I've not experienced this yet in my life, is if you've been in an extremely long-term relationship (I'm talking 5-6+ years) since that is an entire chunk of your life that would be difficult to not bring up to someone new. I also think that, especially if you're the dumpee from a long-term relationship, you may need more time to heal before you start dating again compared to 1-3 year relationships.

 

But I think, regardless of context, it's a definitive red flag when just starting to date. They ain't over someone, or they are insecure.

 

Thoughts?

[limichelle]

For me I was with somebody for a decade! So trying to talk about something I once did without bringing him up is hard. He shared a huge chunk of past new experiences!

 

i really try hard to avoid the conversation about him though with the new guy I'm talking too.

 

For instance I just focus on our conversations and what I look forward to with him creating new dreams.

 

Exes if asked about I do answer but I prefer to leave those people in the past.

 

Lisa

[Matti Jr]

I've always thought it was normal to talk about exes if they come up in conversation, especially if your significant other is friends with one of them. Not to an in-depth extent, mind you. But like what you said with your example, if I went there before with someone, I don't see a point in mentioning I was there with an ex, just that I was at so-and-so before.

 

If they're a recent ex, of course it looks like a red flag, although it might be for the best too as you may be saving yourself heartache then.

[SherrySher]

I try to not bring up exe's as much as possible. It serves no purpose and so far in my experience, has not done any good.

[rayfutz]

Taboo or nah?

 

Is that weird? I've heard that not bringing up ANY past relationship stuff with a current partner is also a red flag. Which I don't get.

 

But I think, regardless of context, it's a definitive red flag when just starting to date. They ain't over someone, or they are insecure.

 

Thoughts?

 

Exactly. I mean, someone has a right to know who they are with. Thats the point of dating. You are finding out if that person is a good match. Unless you see him/her as only a friend with benefits or something along that line. yeah its a red flag to say nothing for sure. It will create insecurity, cuause the other person knows you had a past with someone else and they are naturally going to be curious about a lot of things related to that. I say if he/she asks a specific question about your past relationship, or are strongly hinting they want to know, then definitely tell them. Aside from that, just bring things up only now and then. Like more on the rare side. To show something was there, and you aren't hiding anything. My advice, thats just my opinion on how I would personally handle it. I know you will get lots of different opinions on here, but that's what you are here for.

[shellyf62]

I will say how long I was with my ex, and just general things like that, but wont go into detail.

 

I stopped seeing a guy recently because most things I talked about he would chime in with "oh my ex did that" or "my ex has that". It got very annoying, and looks like he wasnt over her at all.

[limichelle]

The worst date I ever had was going over to this one guys house and him showing me two photo albums of his ex girlfriend! Ha!

 

Let's just say I was out of there never looking back!

 

Lisa

[BlarneyStone]

Exactly. I mean, someone has a right to know who they are with. Thats the point of dating. You are finding out if that person is a good match. Unless you see him/her as only a friend with benefits or something along that line. yeah its a red flag to say nothing for sure. It will create insecurity, cuause the other person knows you had a past with someone else and they are naturally going to be curious about a lot of things related to that. I say if he/she asks a specific question about your past relationship, or are strongly hinting they want to know, then definitely tell them. Aside from that, just bring things up only now and then. Like more on the rare side. To show something was there, and you aren't hiding anything. My advice, thats just my opinion on how I would personally handle it. I know you will get lots of different opinions on here, but that's what you are here for.

 

But why ask the question in the first place? That alone insinuates insecurity from the asking party. Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I guess I just can't think of a good hypothetical scenario where something positive would come out of getting information about someone's dating past. I only see neutrality and negatives.

[SherrySher]

That's pretty much how I feel about it BlarneyStone. I honestly can't see any good reasons for it. I don't want to know what my now bf did with some other woman or how they were together or experiences they had. I am not interested. That's his past and it's not something that will help in any way shape or form about finding out more and more on.

It happened, it's done...end of. I don't think it's terrible to mention something in passing or even mention who you've dated, but other than that..what's the point?

[Itchy]

I don't need to know about a woman's past, I don't see how it's relevant, I don't see what I gain by knowing her past? I am not her counsellor or therapist, if she wants to disclose her past and relive her past then I'm not the man for her. I live in the present, I have no time for the past and I look forwards not backwards.

[thornz]

I think it's a bad move to mention exes on a first few dates, it suggests hang ups, either about that person, or issues had with that person.

 

However after that the odd mentioning and curiosity isn't a problem. Why hide any aspect of yourself? If a person I'm dating can talk positively about previous experiences (including dates/ex partners) I would see that as a good thing.

 

Now if they talked about exes a lot, or if they spoke negatively about their ex(es), I would run a mile. My ex partner would talk about his ex a lot and mostly was not positive. I should have steered clear, he hadn't dealt with that break up.

[Wiseman2]

It should be a synopsis, not a detailed novel.

 

Agree 6572538] it's a definitive red flag when just starting to date. They ain't over someone, or they are insecure