He backed out because he caught feelings for me

[datestar]

I started seeing this guy four months after my breakup (which was quite short but intense, but I had my closure and ready to move on). He was two weeks out of relationship and he saw dumping his ex coming for half a year so he wasn't too shocked. He lived in the same apartment with his ex and was trying to get his ex to move out.

We shared a common interest and that's how we met. Had very similar personalities, very respectful but affectionate towards each other. I tried to be cautious because I know how it feels like to be fresh out of relationship. He kept telling me that he moved on. On our fifth date, I got quite tipsy and asked him if I could start falling for him. He told me 'yes, but I might need more time.'

On our seventh date he left early saying he had to go home to clean his house. (Which made me realize he might be drifting away because he could clean his house any other time to be honest) He sent me a picture of mop the next day. I'm sure he was, but he was trying to take some time off from me I could tell.

When he told me he was too busy to see me the next week (he was looking for a new job, which I think is true but not enough reason). I confronted him about the noticeable change in his behaviors. He said he started having real feelings for me and wanted to be in a relationship, which he can't afford to as he needs to have his roommate (ex) move out and get a new job. He told me it was okay to date others but wanted me to remain in his life as a friend. For the next couple weeks, he responded to all my texts, but did not want to see me or text me first. When I asked about hanging out as friends, he told me he was scared that feelings for me would rush back if he saw me in real life and texting me would also have a similar effect. But me texting him was okay to him (he'd rather take a passive role I think). He wants to see me again when he's ready but couldn't tell when that would be.

I am going on dates now because I know it is extremely risky to hope for a relationship with someone who just got out of a relationship. But it feels a little sad that someone's avoiding me while wanting me as a friend. I still very much want to date him again because I think we are very compatible in personality and values and am very hesitant to cut him out completely. I greet him or ask how he is doing every two to three days to which he always warmly replies to. We both want each other in our lives and I am trying to keep it that way for now by these occasional contacts. It's sometimes good to know that he's doing okay but sometimes it hurts that if I try to talk to him more he might push me away.

What do you think is a good amount of contacts in this situation? Recently I told him I will check on him from time to time, but it's not like I can ask him every time "are you ready to hang out with me again?" He needs to come to terms with his own emotional struggle and be ready himself. Not knowing when that is, should I keep supporting him occasionally like I'm doing right now or completely cut him off until he talks to me first (when he feels ready). I guess I am also afraid of him going "I am okay now but I'll put xx(me) behind as a past."

 

I guess it could be unfair to my other date if my previous date is still on my mind even as someone I care about..

[Itchy]

I have a very simple approach to this, if I like a woman and she isn't interested or she cannot commit to me and whatever else the reason maybe, I cut her off. I don't believe you can be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. If this guy is not giving you what you want then no matter how much you like him, I think it's wise to wish him well and cut him off. If your paths cross again and you're both single and want the same things then fabulous, game, set and match.

 

What you have to be careful of here is that you may end up meeting someone else and then this guy reappears and then you're in a triangle of sorts. Save yourself any potential drama would be my advice to you.

[Blue Ridge]

I was just typing a long, convoluted answer that mirrored what Itchy so succinctly said. I'll just edit and say ^That's perfect advice.

[missmarple]

I'm not buying it. He was ready to move on and, then, 7 dates later, he wasn't. He says he wants to be friends but he can't text you first but it's fine to reply when you do. Still, he can't see you because 'feelings' might come rushing back. Please!

 

I see 2 possible scenarios here.

1. He never broke up with his ex and she's not an ex at all. Maybe they had had a fight when he started dating you and then patched things up.

2. For whatever reason, he lost interest after those dates and he came up with the 'I can't afford a relationship' excuse.

 

I would stop contacting him. It's a dead end.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but he was never really out of that relationship if they were still living together and most likely is trying to work things out with her again. I have to agree with the other posters that you need to cut him out completely, not be on stand-by.

 

I would most definitely be going out on other dates and with no contact you can get into it more.

He lived in the same apartment with his ex.He wants to see me again when he's ready but couldn't tell when that would be. I guess it could be unfair to my other date if my previous date is still on my mind even as someone I care about..

[lucidious]

He's still living with his ex and now just wants to be friends...like the posters above I agree that he probably got back with his ex or they were never broken up. Keep dating, there are better guys out there with no ex baggage. It's better to go nc and let the feelings fade.

[Ms Darcy]

That's a good point that he may have gotten back with his ex, assuming they were really ever broken up.

 

But honey, when a man leaves you to go home to CLEAN, you can rest assured he's just not that into you.

[Itchy]

 

But honey, when a man leaves you to go home to CLEAN, you can rest assured he's just not that into you.

 

What if he invites her over to help him clean? There's nothing like a spot of team building to start proceedings.

[datestar]

I told him I'm done trying to be friends when neither of us are ready to be friends. I wished him well. Knowing what happened between them, I really don't think he went back to his ex. Not trying to shoot anyone down, but just putting my opinion based on two months of experience. (You maybe right. He really might have gotten back together. I wouldn't ever find out since I'm done with him) This does not mean his emotional baggage is gone, however.

I'll move on. Again appreciate all your advices.

[datestar]

Fun idea normally. With his ex there it woulda been quite a drama haha

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, you did the right thing. Enjoy your dates.

I told him I'm done trying to be friends when neither of us are ready to be friends. I'll move on. Again appreciate all your advices.

[Ms Darcy]

What if he invites her over to help him clean? There's nothing like a spot of team building to start proceedings.

 

Now that would be cool.

[datestar]

What if he invites her over to help him clean? There's nothing like a spot of team building to start proceedings.

 

Once he told me that he needed to go grocery shopping and I offered to go with him. He refused haha

[Itchy]

Once he told me that he needed to go grocery shopping and I offered to go with him. He refused haha

 

His loss, someone else's gain.