Question about Compatibility

[CJ88]

Hello, everyone. I have a few questions about being compatible with someone. I have been dating someone for about three months. She is a nice person and has said that she is willing to work around my needs and priorities so that we can continue dating. She has said that she does not want to jeopardize/threaten my work and activities and is willing to compromise with me on time together. I felt that was very a genuine and sincere thing to do, and that's why I'm asking for help/reflection before acting.

 

I'm uncertain and afraid that we are not as compatible as I would like to be with a partner. We seem to have great differences in areas like religion. I follow a religion and she expresses disdain toward it. I wouldn't mind if she let it be, but she has mocked me (however playfully) for it. Other values like hobbies and interests seem at odds. For example, I mentioned I liked making candles and she says that (candle) flames hurt her eyes. Oh. Still, we both have tremendous value in family relations and long-time friends--and while this is good, she told me about month into dating that she spoke about me to her mother and father. This made me nervous, because I'm the type of person whose family you may not see or be mentioned to for several months to over a year into dating before I feel comfortable. Maybe this is my pitfall because I'm a snail?

 

During this time we have been intimate, and while she was satisfied (asking to stop to bask in recovery) I am left less than content on every occasion. I think there is a difference in our experience, likes/dislikes, and time spent in this area. In the beginning she made mention of certain things she would like to do that really interested me, but I haven't seen or been asked about these things, since. I only mention this because I might start going into this situation knowing I won't be satisfied--and that sounds like a recipe for disappointment. I have a feeling that I would need to 'teach' for a while before things became more reciprocal.

 

Overall, I feel generally underwhelmed. I think of myself as a person who likes romantic gestures, and I express my feelings through small-large deeds/actions. But I have not been inspired to take these up in the way I normally would, which makes me a little sad. I need to be challenged by my partner, I need some mystery so I can wonder about her when not together, and I need to laugh. I haven't had these with her in a way that has impacted me. I try to communicate well so that she knows what to expect. Her communication is a bit choppy with a few words or a sentence at a time, forget about phone conversations. She will go days without texting me because "she was sleeping" and has cancelled plans the day of.

 

Finally, I am leaving for several weeks on business in another month. My time away will amount to half the time we've spent together. I'm welcoming these weeks on business, it's a source of travel and growth that I have been looking forward to since before I met her. But what should I do? Doesn't having uncertainties in my gut mean that there might be a lack of compatibility? Should I address this before I leave and say I would like to move on, or am I being ridiculous? How much compatibility is enough to say I am just being picky and should keep dating her? Or, should we break for now and re-evaluate when I come back? She is a nice person and I owe it to her to be honest. I feel torn about what to do. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your insight.

[Wiseman2]

The religion and sex satisfaction thing is far worse than the candle thing as far as incompatibility. Let's put it this way, you are looking forward to this business trip and contemplating ending it... that should tell you a lot. You could wait until you get back, but if you think that might be stringing her along, then you could say something prior.

 

Does there seem to be more right or wrong with this so far?

I am left less than content on every occasion--and that sounds like a recipe for disappointment.

[CJ88]

Thanks for your reply, Wiseman2. There seems to be more wrong so far--not because she's mean spirited, but only because it doesn't comfortably fall into the 'right' category. If it isn't in one, it's in the other?

 

I feel the need to say something before I leave on business. I would hate to leave a false sense of hope only to return and crush it. Should I say something now and when I return, offer a friendship?

[Krankor]

In the bedroom, I think there's a strong chance that things could be better there if you'd do a better job of asking for what you want. It sounds as if she's already indicated that she'd be willing to do certain things; she threw them out there, I think it's up to you to pick up what she's thrown.

 

The religion thing is HUGE, but I think even that can be overcome if you both just agree to disagree.

 

But to me the big kiss of death here is that she just doesn't seem to inspire your normal romantic sensibilities. That says more than just about anything else. Nice person or not, it sounds like this woman just isn't doing it for you.

[ms201242]

I think Krankor has it all right when he says that the biggest point to make is that she doesn't inspire you romantically. I've been with a handful of people who remind me of what you've described here...there was always that gut feeling, where things just didn't seem quite right. I think it's important to be open to your partner's hobbies and interests. Not only can you learn from them, but it shows respect. Not to mention it's incredibly important to have your own passions. The fact that she's mocked you (even if it was innocent; it obviously made an impression on you) shows that she doesn't respect that part of you.

 

i've been dating my current boyfriend for several months now, and I've NEVER questioned our compatibility. We have almost no specific interests in common other than just general "having fun" and I LOVE that about our relationship. He can do his own thing and I can do my own thing and we can still spend lots of time together and tell each other about our own personal experiences. I've never mocked his hobbies even though they can be seen as quite nerdy - in fact, that's one of the things I find most endearing about him.

 

I would bring this up before your trip. Otherwise, you'll be dwelling on it the entire time (I would, at least). If she takes it to heart, she'll make an effort to communicate with you while you are gone via Skype, text, whatever it may be. If she hits the road then it just wasn't meant to be, and you can use the time away to refresh and heal. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - I've been there and done that and I know exactly how you feel right now. You owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Good luck!

[Seraphim]

The fact that she mocks your beliefs and you feel generally underwhelmed with the whole relationship I think says it is a dud.

[catfeeder]

Given millions of people in the world, most are not our match. Getting comfortable with this fact is liberating. It frees you from the trap of needing to build a case against anyone in order to allow bad matches to pass early.

 

Hold out for someone with whom you enjoy simpatico, and this will be rare. It's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high, and move forward.

[CJ88]

Krankor, I thought you had a good point about the bedroom and asking for what I would want. Over the weekend I tried this and found out that I was mistaken. Those interesting things she and I talked about flow in a certain direction, and not necessarily the other way. She said she would be willing to try, but that she is admittedly tame and not a strong participant in the bedroom, generally.

I also became nervous when we parted ways for the weekend, because she said "Love ya" very casually. This is a flag for me. I know other people can be fine with these words 3 months in, but I am not one of those people.

I think she is very enamored with the idea of being an item, not necessarily the person she is an item with, if that makes sense. I need to say something this week, or next time we meet. This will be difficult, but I know I should commit to the truth.

[Wiseman2]

It does sound like this. Like she's overlooking everything in order to be a couple or have a bf. The sexual thing sounds frustrating. Yeah, pulling the plug sooner rather than later may prevent the 'you strung me along' thing. But the timing is good it's been long enough to say you're not compatible.

I think she is very enamored with the idea of being an item, not necessarily the person she is an item with, if that makes sense.