No contact, forgiving yourself for being played like a fool

[Lady Blonde]

It's been eight days of NC. The longest period we didn't talk to eachother. We've been together for a year, and in that period he was my best friend and lover. I thought he was. I had a lot of problems when we started and he was a true listener and support. I really thought he is different than other guys in my city. Three months ago my mother was in hospital and he was there for me, but as soon as she got better he disappeared. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated on me with I girl I know he was hanging out and I didn't like ( also she was with his best friend before so it is disgusting). I was so humiliated and I left him. That was two months ago. But he was begging to stay friends, he said I'm the best person he had in his life, that he is sorry and that he is confused between her and me, cause with me he has a best friend, lover, trust, communication and that I understand him better than anyone. But he can't say no to her. So we were texting, seeing eachother, but I couldn't trust him cause he never mention her. When I ask him what is with them he doesn't have an answer. I started to feel used, like he is playing with me ( saying all the compliments all the time, remembering our good days and what was good about us but still going out with her).

 

We had a lunch eight days ago and I left leaving him to believe we are trying to be friends. He hugged me and didn't want to let me go. So I started NC because I want to get over him. I don't go on places where I can meet him. But the city I live in is small, and there are not lot of places where I can go out and not to bump to him ( or him and her) so actually I'm not going out much. I deleted his number and few days ago I saw his best friend and just cross the street on the other side just not to talk to him. I put in a trash some memories I found these days at my apartmant and it crashed me. I was good for the first five days, but these last days are killing me inside. I know it will get better but for now it's killing me.

 

Also writting a journal because one day I love him and want him back, it's hurting me really bad, but then I remember how he treated me with no respect ( cheating and lying and now playing). He also didn't invited me a lot out with his friends ( which was ok with me, cause I had my friends I wanted to hang if we are not togehter) but he invites her. My friend saw them ( and he "forgot" to mention that they were out). But still, I wonder if he thinks about me and will he make a contact. Even though I promised myself I will not reply cause I have to move on.

 

What is bothering me how can I miss him when he is obviosly someone else, because when I think of some situations he lied to me, and took adventage of me. A lot of things he said he didn't like but he is doing it with her. So I feel like I don't know him, like there are two different persons. I can't forgive myself for being humiliated in front of my friends, in front of his friends and some other people who actually were telling my friends that he will hurt me and that he is doing something behind my back. I defended him. I know that with time I will get better, but forgiving myself for being a fool and so naive is harder. I find hard to trust new people I meet, I don't wanna meet someone new because I feel disgusting. I hate thinking about someone even touching my hand or something more.

 

Sorry for such a long post.

[Wiseman2]

Do what is best for you, not him. Continue no contact because he seems to be occupying too much of your head-space for you to effectively move forward and find happiness. Don't be his new mistress to his other mistress.

he cheated on me with I girl I know he was hanging out. But he was begging to stay friends

[Lady Blonde]

That's true and thats bothering me, thinking too much about him, remembering and letting him to block my future happiness. Thanks, I will continue NC, and advise everyone to never suttle with the less if they want more. A lot of things I wanted I've put aside thinking there is time for that, don't want to push him. Always put yourself first.

[Lady Blonde]

Today is the ten day of NC. And I woke up cheerful. Yesterday I was terrible. I was alone in my apartmant and the whole place is a memory. But since I'm moving soon I will be leaving that memory behind. I started texting with one guy, I will go out this weekend. I'm not ready for any kind of a relationship but one date won't kill me. Still thnik of him before I go to sleep. I got a promotion on my job ( last time we saw each other he asked me about that promotion and said he would be happy if I get it and that I deserve it) and I felt sad I couldn't share it with him but than I remember how many friends I have around me and how lucky I am.

 

Always look around in these situations, you will see you are not alone. And there are people you didn't noticed because focusing on the wrong person.

 

I had to share today's feeling and to spread some positive energy Not sure how will I feel next few days but it's a healing process.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent!

I started texting with one guy, I will go out this weekend. I'm not ready for any kind of a relationship but one date won't kill me.

[shiner501]

Sounds like you're doing great Lady Blonde. Acknowledge you will have up days and down days. Some days he will be on your mind a lot and that is to be expected and part of the grieving process. And it really is a grieving process, the relationship you were part of has died and it takes time to recover from that, for him as well.

 

I'm day 53 of NC. I am doing well although I get a few pangs of missing her now and then too. Been on a few dates but, like you, just taking things steady.

[Lady Blonde]

Well, I broke the rule. Today I got a text from him asking me how I'm doing, do I need help moving out, he would be happy to help me, that he is out of town this week. I texted back with a short message that everything is ok and that I don't need help, I have everything covered. Now I feel guilty for texting back because I feel it took me back few steps. I expected that he will contact me but still I was surprised when I saw a text. Especially about helping me.

[Lady Blonde]

53 days? Wow! Proud of you! Don't rush for a relationship, but dates help you to feel better. You are doing great

[Lady Blonde]

He's been sending texts all day. I didn't reply any of it. He has been explaining why he is out of town, for how long and how he's doing making jokes. I know I should ignore it all but it's confusing me. Why I need to know where is he, what's he is doing if I didn't ask. Hate how people are taking other people for granted. Well, I guess my silence will give him some signals, but it's disturbing for me. Before NC I asked him not to contact me but he did, trying to remind me how good times we had and how it is pity to throw it away. Well, it wasn't my fault it's thrown away.

 

My friend had same issue with his ex girlfriend, she's been coming back to his life every two months, stick around few months then disappear. Its selfish what people do today. How twisted friendships and relationships have become.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should block him. He cheated on you ... Gain some self respect.

[Lady Blonde]

I'm aware that my self esteem went down after all this, cause he was my center for a year, but I'll get it back. I blocked him on every social network but this is SMS, I deleted number. And I didn't reply on any new text.

 

I'm writing this here just to let it off from my chest and to remind someone else not to fall for a less then they deserve and want. Now I'm building life again, new apartment, new job title and in few days I will graduate finally. So everything that was on hold for a while, I focused myself to finish in this period.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Never look back.

Now I'm building life again, new apartment, new job title and in few days I will graduate finally.

[Lady Blonde]

Thank you! It's not easy. I'm surprised and angry on myself how I fell on the ground. Never happened before to be this attached to someone, but it's a life lesson.

 

It's not a shame to fall, it's a shame not to pick yourself up when you can.