Where am I supposed to get the strength for this??

[gypsybird87]

Hi all,

 

I am three weeks post breakup, and on day seven of NC. For details, see my main thread in ex-boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Long story short, after 1.5 years he decided he wasn't feeling a necessary spark or connection, and ended the romantic relationship, but asked to stay friends. After two weeks of sporadic communication, I initiated NC on May 3rd, much to his dismay. Whether we can be friends or not, who knows.... It's not a decision I can make while in my current state of mind, and I told him so.

 

NC is excruciating. As in, unbearable. I've never had to do it before, because I realized I've never gone through a break up like this before. I've had 5 LTR's in my life. Two I ended, so while not "easy", it was a different kind of pain and there was no desire to stay in contact afterwards. Two were ended by infidelity on the guys part. Another brutal type of pain, but also paired with anger, disgust etc and therefore no desire to stay in contact. This time... he ended it, but there was no betrayal, no drama. We talked it through- at length- the way we have handled things throughout the relationship. Much of that discussion was about how great the relationship has been. And yet... it's over.

 

I'm not angry with him. I'm hurt, of course, but it's not the kind of hurt I felt after being cheated on. That hurt was empowering, infuriating, and gave me a ton of strength to get through the pain and do what I needed to do. It invoked a deep "you think you can break me? FU!!!" response. I deserved better, and I had no doubts that I was going to be better off without a cheating, lying NPD a-hole in my life. And that was all true.

 

This time... I get no strength from the hurt. Just sadness, and some frustration with him for walking away from such a great thing, in order to seek something I don't think he's ever going to find. It feels pointless. Like a waste. We were so good together, and now we are both alone, because he's got some deluded notion that he needs to recreate the "magic" he felt while married to his cheating B of an ex. Why does he seek that? Who knows... I have some theories but in the end it doesn't matter. He made his decision and that's all there is to it. I don't understand it or agree with it, but I have to respect it, because what else can I do?

 

If I feel any spark of anger, it's in regards to his desire to stay friends. That is in his best interest, not mine, and it's selfish of him to ask that of me. It complicates staying NC tremendously, because I know he *wants* to hear from me. He *wants* to see me. If I called, he would answer. If I said let's get together, he would agree immediately. I know he would. And so that makes resisting all the more difficult, because I MISS HIM like crazy. And there's the bit of anger: that on top of my pain, on top of being the one who got dumped, I'm also the one being called upon to be strong, because he's too weak and needy to make a clean break. Where the he11 am I supposed to get the strength for all this???

 

I hope NC gets easier.

[Wiseman2]

Just block him from everything and do what's best for you. Don't allow his appeasement of "let's stay friends" to occupy your mind.

If I feel any spark of anger, it's in regards to his desire to stay friends. I know he *wants* to hear from me. He *wants* to see me.

[gypsybird87]

Thanks, wiseman. I realized today I may need to block him on Pinterest. I unfollowed him there awhile ago, but his pins still come up in my feed. I thought that would end when I unfriended him on facebook, but apparently not. I'm fairly new to Pinterest and still learning about it. I didn't want to do anything as decisive as blocking but I think I may have no choice.

 

I miss him so much.

[Wiseman2]

As nice as he was about things, don't feel guilty about having boundaries. it's ok to draw your own line in the sand...wherever you need that to be. He will not die if he's blocked from your social media. He will probably respect that you are not falling for wishy-washy shabby treatment.

I didn't want to do anything as decisive as blocking but I think I may have no choice.

[gypsybird87]

don't feel guilty about having boundaries. it's ok to draw your own line in the sand...wherever you need that to be.

 

YES, exactly. I needed that reminder. Thank you.

[Jibralta]

I'm not angry with him. I'm hurt, of course, but it's not the kind of hurt I felt after being cheated on. That hurt was empowering, infuriating, and gave me a ton of strength to get through the pain and do what I needed to do. It invoked a deep "you think you can break me? FU!!!" response. I deserved better, and I had no doubts that I was going to be better off without a cheating, lying NPD a-hole in my life. And that was all true.

 

This time... I get no strength from the hurt. Just sadness, and some frustration with him for walking away from such a great thing, in order to seek something I don't think he's ever going to find. It feels pointless. Like a waste.

 

I get it. A similar thing happened to me once, and there was nothing I could do about it. It sucked because he was good guy, and the fact that he handled it in a (mostly) classy way made me like him even more. I think that might have made it worse!

 

Unfortunately, there's no website or store where you can swipe your card and buy strength. Right now, your best access to strength is through patience. You have to dig down deep and be patient, because it's going to take time to get over this.

 

Wiseman is spot-on. You have to block your ex and set up boundaries. There's no saying how much time it will take for you to feel better. But setting boundaries will ensure the duration is shorter, not longer.

[TeaLeaf1234]

Hello, thanks for your post. I am in a similar position. My ex and I broke up, he wanted to stay friends, and I said no. I am currently on day 15 of NC, and while I still miss him I know I made the right decision not to be friends. Accepting a friendship so soon after a breakul is a recipe for heartbreak because it allows the dumper to slowly get over you while it prolongs the dumpee's recovery. Maybe in the future you guys can be friends but not anytime soon while you're recovering. Stick to your guns, know that NC is a daily decision to make and you may have your down days, but it will be better for you in the long run. Goodluck with your recovery.

[LovelyDani87]

Break ups are so hard and unbearable but you don't have a choice but to move forward, it sucks but time will definitely make things easier to cope with.

[JA0371]

I feel similar angst. No horrible ending.....we loved each other. I think just horrible timing. It sucks. It hurts a lot...but at least it leaves you with goodness in your heart and mind. I keep remembering how happy I was with my ex...and it's hard, but at least it makes me know it IS possible again..

[Astar]

So sorry youre going through this, this describes my situation to a T. You have to pull yourself away and resist them. because they wont give you the space to do it. youre doing well though, Just see it this way, youre doing him a favour of seeing what it will be like without you. so if there is ever a chance of reconciling this is your best bet. If you didnt do this, he would have the safety of you in the friend-zone, being an 'option' at best and he could sift through other girls all the while talking to you his 'friend' about them. (I got friend zoned by this same dude i was posting about before hence why Im so sure not to do this ) This way he really feels the LOSS. he can really feel what he had. if there is ever him coming back. I know what you mean about it being harder when you feel nothing was really wrong, makes you question so much more. there's nothing to 'hate' them for as silly as that sounds, however, he does sound a bit fickle in his thinking and unrealistic - they chose to leave for 'could be' instead of what they had 'right now' so let him have it.

[gypsybird87]

Thanks for the responses, and hugs to everyone who is going through the same thing. Astar, I hope you're right. I hope he is feeling the loss of me. He panicked when I put NC in place, saying he didn't want to lose me completely. Well... guess what? You dump someone and that's the risk you take, buddy. I think he's going to have a hard time finding someone else to put up with him. His life has some unconventional elements to it. Nothing kinky, lol... but his work schedule is insane, his hobbies are extreme, his living arrangement is a bit odd. I think part of him knows he's taking a risk finding anyone else who will accept all that, on top of him just being him with his faults and (now obvious) emotional baggage. But he ended things anyway, knowing that risk, so ce la vie. He doesn't get to keep me around as a safety net while he shops for something "better."