Hurt by my family again

[Jetta]

I moved last weekend. Hired movers for 2 hours (all I could afford), in addition to mom and her husband, as well as a few good friends.

 

My brother planned a trip so he would have an excuse not to help but did loan me his enclosed trailer. Mom and her husband planned a trip the next day for a week. She said yes to my brother when he asked her to dogsit. I in the midst of moving went to her house to check on the dog and clean up my moving mess, in addition to various chores. Despite being in excruciating pain I got her house in good shape.

 

My brother calls shortly after I hobbled upstairs saying he wanted me to drop his dog off. I'm like you said you would pick her up. He's like your apartment is close why you staying at mom's, thought you moved. I said I have stuff to do and come get your dog I need rest. He says I've been driving 3 hours. I respond I've been moving the last 2 days and can't walk. He hangs up shows up a while later screams at me horrible, hurtful stuff. Takes his dog and poof gone.

 

A week later. I've spent 2 nights in my apartment. Chores at mom's that can't wait. But this morning mom tells me he's still angry with me about the dog. For real? He's angry?

 

He's the one who beat me up with name calling. Needless to say I'm excluded from the family mother's day. Also my mom calls to ask about taking my daughter on a trip this summer with my brothers family. I get paid time off but am I invited, hell no.

 

I don't even know what to anymore. They are so hurtful, so cruel.

[thejigsup]

Just a typical family. Jetta, most families are like this. My sister and I didn't talk for years, so what? Moved twice without any help from my family. Didn't care. Stop expecting ANYTHING from your family and you will be happier. I live away from all of them now and I'm fine. But I've always been very independent from them. I support myself and my son without anyone's help. Independence is golden.

[tina-rocks]

Oh Jetta! Sounds like your completely exhausted and being in pain doesn't help. Unfortunately there are families that are just like that and sadly yours is one of them. My sister and I are total opposites and we no longer have any contact, so I hear you. The way I look at it, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Also the saying, Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

 

Hold your head up high and know that you are there for others, despite the way they may behave.

 

Christina x

[abitbroken]

I moved last weekend. Hired movers for 2 hours (all I could afford), in addition to mom and her husband, as well as a few good friends.

 

My brother planned a trip so he would have an excuse not to help but did loan me his enclosed trailer. Mom and her husband planned a trip the next day for a week. She said yes to my brother when he asked her to dogsit. I in the midst of moving went to her house to check on the dog and clean up my moving mess, in addition to various chores. Despite being in excruciating pain I got her house in good shape.

 

My brother calls shortly after I hobbled upstairs saying he wanted me to drop his dog off. I'm like you said you would pick her up. He's like your apartment is close why you staying at mom's, thought you moved. I said I have stuff to do and come get your dog I need rest. He says I've been driving 3 hours. I respond I've been moving the last 2 days and can't walk. He hangs up shows up a while later screams at me horrible, hurtful stuff. Takes his dog and poof gone.

 

A week later. I've spent 2 nights in my apartment. Chores at mom's that can't wait. But this morning mom tells me he's still angry with me about the dog. For real? He's angry?

 

He's the one who beat me up with name calling. Needless to say I'm excluded from the family mother's day. Also my mom calls to ask about taking my daughter on a trip this summer with my brothers family. I get paid time off but am I invited, hell no.

 

I don't even know what to anymore. They are so hurtful, so cruel.

 

I would have put sibling rivalry aside and instead of arguing about the dog, I would have said, "If you would like me to bring you the dog, I will do it tomorrow. I am too tired tonight. If you want him/her back tonight, you are welcome to stop by." And just be calm. he is tired. You are tired. Not a good combo. It sure nips a fight in the bud.

 

Did mom specifically tell you that you cannot come to Mother's Day or have you chosen not to go yourself?

 

Honestly, I would recognize you were both tired and I would say to your brother, "I am sorry you were disappointed that I didn't bring your dog when you wanted. We were both tired that night and both not at our best. Truce?" And address the name calling at another time. The next time he starts in on you, say "I will listen, but as long as I am called names, I am going to hang up and talk to you later." That way you don't get into a shouting match, and if he calls you names, you calmly say "Whoops. Kettle's whistling. I am going to have to call you later" or something of that matter and he will learn to speak to your respectfully.

 

I know it hurts you for your mom to take your daughter places - but grandparents do love doing one on one things with grandkids big time. Maybe she is actually thinking she is giving you a little respite. Maybe that is how you should look at it - instead of being so hurt you are not included - tell your mom that you appreciate her taking your daughter to the zoo/for a weekend/wherever they go because you know how much it means to (daughters name). And when they come back, you can say "did you have a good time" and say "i feel so accomplished. I got your new closet organized and I was able to work on some resumes and catch up with my girlfriend Mary Jo." Or whatever you did that is upbeat.

 

My grandparents do things without our parents and just the grandkids. My parents do things with just their grandkids and not the kids (parents of the kids). If she is the only grandchild, then its magnified. So don't get so hurt about the "Grandma and me" stuff. Also, mom knows you might be broke as well. So maybe you could come up with your own idea for a plan and invite your daughter, mom and stepdad to it as the pan initiator.

 

Families can be complicated, but I urge you to not boycott Mother's Day. If you were uninvited - go see your mom some other way on that day.

[catfeeder]

(((Big HUG))) Jetta. In terms of stress, moving is right up there with divorce and job loss, so consider it a crisis rite of passage and hunker down to focus on creating your new home. Let the family settle down on their own.

 

Brother was out of line expecting a service from you that you never volunteered, and Mom is rubbing salt in the wound because she views your move as financially premature. So let it go, and don't take the bait.

 

Your family knows how to press the buttons that make you feel lousy and react a certain way. It's always up to you whether you'll do that dance. I wouldn't say another word about any of it. I'd be kind when I see them, and I'd develop a convenient case on amnesia about their behavior when they're cruel.

 

CongrAts on your new place. Fix it up, make it your own, and allow all else to pass without notice.

 

Head high.

[Jetta]

I have a birth defect. I was born with a club foot. Walking issues are a part of my life and only get worse with age.

 

Catfeeder your post is truly helpful thank you. I invited my mother and her husband over for lunch on the opposite day. Been working my but off to make it presentable.

[tina-rocks]

I have a birth defect. I was born with a club foot. Walking issues are a part of my life and only get worse with age.

 

Catfeeder your post is truly helpful thank you. I invited my mother and her husband over for lunch on the opposite day. Been working my but off to make it presentable.

 

Jetta, I am sorry your family are not supporting you like you would have liked. I had no idea myself that you were born with a club foot. That must make it Sooo! Hard for you, just doing normal chores and make day to day living with the pain, exhausting.

 

I hope your new home is all you would wish it to be and more.

 

Christina

[catfeeder]

I have a birth defect. I was born with a club foot. Walking issues are a part of my life and only get worse with age.

 

Catfeeder your post is truly helpful thank you. I invited my mother and her husband over for lunch on the opposite day. Been working my but off to make it presentable.

 

Glad to hear this, Jetta. Hopefully, you're already aware that Mom may speak from a position of discouragement for moving according to your own timeline, not hers. When you can see that clearly, you can roll with it and let it roll off of you. If you CANNOT see that clearly, then you're setting yourself up for an unnecessary challenge.

 

Understand that the reason you keep feeling burned is that you keep meeting your family half way to the flame, and you have not yet changed your own habits in that regard. I can appreciate always wanting it to be different THIS time, but when it's not, recognize the dynamic as two hands clapping--and just remove your hand from clashing with theirs.

 

Is your Mom picking a vulnerable time to speak of excluding you from stuff, or are you picking at her for responses you don't really need to hear right now? Is she defending your brother, or are you stirring the pot with your own discussion of him?

 

This is stuff only you can answer, so think about it carefully and avoid setting up a minefield to navigate.

 

Head high, and enjoy your new place!

[Ms Darcy]

Jetta, I completely understand your feelings here and am sorry your brother treated you this way.

[melancholy123]

My family sucked too, as you can read about in my "My brother died" post. I learned to never ask any of them for help as it would never happen. I became very independent and would rather do things myself than expect anything from them.

[catfeeder]

My family sucked too, as you can read about in my "My brother died" post. I learned to never ask any of them for help as it would never happen. I became very independent and would rather do things myself than expect anything from them.

 

Yeah, there can be some hidden price tags when we accept help from people. Sometimes it's worth the cost, and other times not. It's especially true with family members who are provincial rather than friends who we've grown into using sound judgment to hand pick carefully.

 

With family members, we're always dealing with the deck we're dealt. In Jetta's case, having lived with her Mom may have prompted a bit of sour sibling rivalry from brother who assumes that sharing residence with HIS mother somehow entitles him to make demands. We can all know that that's not true, but arguing with him isn't going to correct him. If Mom has learned how to use the fallout to push her own agenda, then the only way out of that is to stay calm and feign a failure to notice as you move forward.

[Gorgazma]

I moved last weekend. Hired movers for 2 hours (all I could afford), in addition to mom and her husband, as well as a few good friends.

 

My brother planned a trip so he would have an excuse not to help but did loan me his enclosed trailer. Mom and her husband planned a trip the next day for a week. She said yes to my brother when he asked her to dogsit. I in the midst of moving went to her house to check on the dog and clean up my moving mess, in addition to various chores. Despite being in excruciating pain I got her house in good shape.

 

My brother calls shortly after I hobbled upstairs saying he wanted me to drop his dog off. I'm like you said you would pick her up. He's like your apartment is close why you staying at mom's, thought you moved. I said I have stuff to do and come get your dog I need rest. He says I've been driving 3 hours. I respond I've been moving the last 2 days and can't walk. He hangs up shows up a while later screams at me horrible, hurtful stuff. Takes his dog and poof gone.

 

A week later. I've spent 2 nights in my apartment. Chores at mom's that can't wait. But this morning mom tells me he's still angry with me about the dog. For real? He's angry?

 

He's the one who beat me up with name calling. Needless to say I'm excluded from the family mother's day. Also my mom calls to ask about taking my daughter on a trip this summer with my brothers family. I get paid time off but am I invited, hell no.

 

I don't even know what to anymore. They are so hurtful, so cruel.[/QUOT