Ugh, this is killing me!

[concho]

I've been divorced for six years and have three children. I have not dated a lot since the divorce because I have been focused on recovery and kids. But six months ago, I jumped in with both feet. A friend of mine set me up with a guy she had known in college. He had never been married and didn't have children and was in his mid 40s, which I liked because there was no baggage. Well, fast forward six months and he has lost interest and I'm broken hearted. I know dating can be a numbers game but there was so much about him that I enjoyed, especially the laughter. There were red flags as well though. So why can't I think 'good riddance' instead of this wimpy mentality of 'what just happened?' Any advice would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to just have fun and infatuation on your first rodeo after divorce. What were the red flags?

There were red flags as well though.

[adviceplease2]

I'd guess because it was nice feeling something again.

 

I'm divorced, three kids, was set up with a woman who was friends with my cousin....we both fell for each other quickly, both were happy starting from last summer to around Thanksgiving....she let me know she was pregnant, then let me know she didn't want me around, then told me she wished she'd never met me. That was four months ago and I'm still in that mentality of what just happened and can't get over any of it.

 

I know for me, it was nice to be happy again. I hadn't felt anything or been happy with life for years. Then this woman comes along and, honestly, she gave me the type relationship I'd always wanted to have. So I'd guess yours was similar, it was great to feel something, to be happy, now dealing with the shock of it all ending so quickly.

[ParisPaulette]

Never married, no kids, in his 40s. You missed the fact the guy did have baggage though of the "can't maintain a long-term relationship."

 

I'm sorry, but that was pretty much on the table along with other red flags. I know it hurts when they don't turn out to be who you hoped or you think you'll be that exception to their rule and history, but that's just how life is.

 

I did the same thing. Instead focus on the fact you got out there, this guy sort of reminded you of how nice dating and being a woman can be. So look at it as a learning experience and move on and see who else might be out there.

[concho]

Occasional insensitive comments and talking about exes. I would always rationalize it as 90% of our time is good. Live and learn. Thanks for your response.

[concho]

Wow, I'm so sorry. It's hard when you think that their feelings were not reciprocated when you put so much on the line.

[Hermes]

Heh heh. Just to remark that my father was 40 (and single) when he married. And I know a number of men who did not marry before age 40. Darn it, 40 is young nowadays. In the case of the man the OP was dating it wasn't his age, but the man himself (whether 20/40/70) who did not wish to move forward in the relationship.

[concho]

Thank you for your reply. You're right. I think I had blinders on and let the good outweigh the bad when I knew I deserved better. It did feel good to 'feel' something and I suppose there is fear wondering if it'll be another six years until I find it again.

[adviceplease2]

Wow, yeah, my girlfriend...she would mention here and there something about some guy she dated. A topic would come up and she'd say, a guy I dated....followed by whatever reminded her of him. And, she is mid 30's and had only ever dated men much younger than her. Similar red flags that I should have picked up on.

[catfeeder]

Ugh, this is killing me!

 

Awww, (((Hug))). And naaah, this is not 'killing' you, so talk yourself away from the kind of language that just spins you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

We all do this after a long dry spell. We invest too much, too soon, despite red flags, and that burns. The good news is, you've already learned how to invest yourself in other aspects of your life, so your capacity to heal is enhanced if you'll recognize that instead of beating yourself up.

 

This was your wakeup call to open for romance again. The idea is to use it as such instead of closing yourself off because your eyes were opened by the wrong guy. Most people are NOT our match. So yes, waiting for another opportunity to cross your path organically could take years to manifest. You don't need to settle for that route when there are so many ways to get yourself involved in dating again.

 

Consider borrowing 'Dating for Dummies' by Dr. Joy Browne from your library, preferably the most recent edition that teaches you how to use online dating apps to 'speed date' or 'non-date' just to meet potential people rather than suffering through full first dates when you can tell there's no chemistry in the first 5 minutes.

 

The idea is a common method used these days to set up quick coffee meets for 15 minutes or so to check one another out. Neither can ask for a 'real' date on the spot, and if either wants to contact the other afterward with an invitation, the other can respond if the answer is yes, and if the answer is no, no response is necessary. This takes the whole squirmy rejection thing off the table, which is the toughest part of screening for dates.

 

If you can roll with the idea that dating is all about screening OUT bad matches rather than latching on to anyone who's willing to play, then you can view rejection as coming from someone who don't own the capacity to view you through the right lens rather than a reflection of any deficiency in you.

 

Finding love isn't easy, or what would be so special about it? Your gut already told you that this guy wasn't long term material, but you were having such a good time, you ignored what you knew. That's common and doesn't make you stupid--it just means you're ready to learn about screening first, investment later.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[concho]

Thank you, the support alone means so much.