Major breakup - sad, lost, confused

[Lotusavx]

Hello. I am in the midst of going through my first major break up with the man I have been with for 4 years, and lived with for 2.5 years. I guess I am just looking for some insight, as this break up is also bringing on the added stresses of moving and starting a whole new life. Basically, this man was my everything. We started going out when I was 17, and he was 22. I am now 21 and he is 26. We had a rocky relationship. It was mostly my fault. I had no idea what I was doing. I had all these insecurity and jealousy issues since it started. It was my first relationship, so I had never felt these strong emotions before. It got really bad and I kept pushing him away, but underneath all the problems, we loved each other very deeply and had a special connection. As we moved in together, things were good then bad. Good for a few weeks, bad for a few days. This cycle never stopped. He was bi-polar and had a very bad temper, so dealing with my issues didn't help him. There were really, really bad times. He wasn't too great either though. He never worked, had loser friends that influenced him to drink more. He is making me feel like I am all to blame for my issues, but he will never admit what he did wrong. He makes me feel like I am in the wrong for being mad at him when he would drink in the middle of the day, even if it was only having 2 beers. There were even 2 incidents involving the police and physical assault. I had caused the problem with my insecurities or jealousy and he had gotten physical and I was scared as there was assault. This is a major problem that I went back to that. I guess you could say that I felt as though I deserved that assault because of the problems I caused. I just feel like his problems, combined with mine didn't work together. He didn't know how to deal with my insecurities, and I did put him through a lot - jealousy of past relationships, constant fear of him leaving me, and I don't expect people to know how to deal with that. But his issues were bad and upsetting for me too. We had broken up 5 times, this time being the final time. He was always the one to leave, even though he has did me wrong and I wanted to stay. I have always begged for him back, I have never been the one to put my foot down, but I wish I had that strength.

 

So next month, I am moving out the apartment we have lived in for 2.5 years (he has already moved out - my name was on lease) and going to live with my mother and starting school in the fall. I am very nervous and I am dealing with a lot - blame for the relationship problems I caused, stress and sadness of moving out of the apartment we have lived in and moving across the city and being away from that area all together. There are times when I can realize that this break up is a good thing, as I feel like I have lost myself in the relationship, and didn't even know who I was at 17 when it began. We are communicating since we have to hash out details of who is getting what and our pet, but he has also told me how he feels bad it had to come to this, and he is telling me of all the positive changes he is going to be making - no more drinking, living a healthier life style, getting rid of some of his bad influence friends. And I am wondering why couldn't he have made those changes while we were together? Over the years, my insecurities got better, but he continued being the way he was. If he fixed his problems during the relationship, I feel like I wouldn't have gotten so upset with him.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. But any advice is greatly appreciated. Everyone I know says I am better off without him, but it still hurts. Maybe my low self esteem had me stay with someone who wasn't right, and just for comfort and security. I guess you can say I am struggling with too many emotions right now. But I really want to figure out if I will get over it, because right now I feel like its impossible. I am afraid the the changes happening right now, finding who I am, and taking the blame for what I have done to push him away. I am afraid I will never find someone, I am afraid that he will find someone a long time from now and I will be obsessing and jealous over him. I just want to make positive changes in my life. Thank you for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your friends you are better off. An on/off rocky relationship is too much drama. It takes two so don't beat yourself up or have any remorse or guilt. It just wasn't working out. There was a lot of investment in time energy and unfortunately too much drama. Change is an adjustment even if it is better in the long run. Ignore his self-improvement talk...if he were able to do this he would have already. Keep any contact unemotional, businesslike and to and to a minimum...then when all is divided /settled... go no contact.

[SooSad33]

You invested a lot into this relationship, over time and it's going to take a lot of time to work on accepting this as a loss.

Loss is never easy and you'll be going thru many thoughts & emotions over the next few months. grieving.

 

And even though he has hurt you in many ways.. yes, you'l still have feelings. It al takes time.

 

I have had a few in my day... dating as far back as 20 yrs ago. ( married an alcy).

Some break ups are harder than other's.. and some are still painful even though we know they were bad experiences.

 

In time you will come to see why it failed and learn from this. Life is an experience... sometimes rough ones

 

In a few months you won't feel as rough. But if you find it dibilitating with anxiety etc for a length of time, I suggest some therapy and maybe something from the dr for anxiety or sleep.

 

One day at a time.. keep your family & friends close.