Issues in new relationship due to ex

[Simonm18]

I've known this girl for about 2 months now, we've spoken everyday and since she came back from 3 weeks in Thailand we have seen each other practically 5 days a week. We officially went exclusive last monday but still aren't at the stage of calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I got cheated on by my ex (first time i've ever experienced it) and my current girl was also cheated on by her ex november last year. She is becoming more affectionate but very rarely does she compliment me or open up to me about feelings etc.

 

I am a bit insecure and have trust issues due to what my ex did to me. My new girl has stated that her heart is in the freezer (as she hated men for months but i'm the first guy she's wanted to be exclusive with since) but the freezer door is open just a crack but not enough to defrost just yet. So i am making progress but she is an attractive and popular girl, i'm 25 and she's 24. We spoke about being exclusive and she wanted it as well but i know she is still talking to this guy who is a friend of a friend of hers. I hate that i did this but i looked at her whatsapp messages to him and saw that he is persistent in trying to flirt with her and say they are a perfect match and he really likes her etc. Her messages did not acknowledge that stuff he said and she doesn't reply with much so i assume she is just being nice to him and doesn't want to hurt his feelings?

 

It does make me worry because i think she should tell him me and her are exclusive and stop letting him talk to her in that way. She mentioned him before we were exclusive that she didn't find him attractive and his body was too big and horrible even though he's a lovely guy she wouldn't be interested in him (we were talking about their mutual friend and she brought him up). I'm getting in my own head about it, she says she trusts me which is rare since her ex but i don't fully trust her.

 

How do i stop this from ruining my mind and my potential relationship with a great girl? As even though she doesn't say it often, i know she really likes me and wants to spend a lot of time with me etc. I start a new job tomorrow and i said i dunno how much i'd be able to see her and she said we could see each other at least 3 times a week still, so i'm happy that she wants to continue investing a good amount of time in me. But i need to stop my spiral. Do i admit to her i read her messages and i am uncomfortable with him messaging her or do i just try to solve it in my own mind? I'm quite lost so any advice would be amazing

[Wiseman2]

If you need to go through her phone reading private messages neither of you is ready for a relationship. She is still chatting with various guys and you are not able to trust enough yet. You may want to define what "exclusive" means to you and why you are not officially bf/gf. If your past is haunting you with jealousy and mistrust you may want to rethink snooping around for the purposes of injustice collecting to prove a new person is "guilty" of whatever your ex did.

[ThatwasThen]

Her messages did not acknowledge that stuff he said and she doesn't reply with much so i assume she is just being nice to him and doesn't want to hurt his feelings?

If she doesn't want to hurt his feelings then why is she just not kindly telling him that she has a boyfriend and she's not romantically interested in him instead of leading him on like she's doing by not SHUTTING HIM DOWN?

 

If you're going to snoop but not talk about what (if anything) you've found then why snoop? Tell her what you found and kindly tell her that she is leading this guy on by not telling him that she is in an exclusive relationship with you and that she's not interested in him, she is basically telling him that she's not ruled him out and is leading him on which is cruel unless of course she actually hasn't ruled him out, in which case you need to know that so that YOU can get on with your life without her and finding someone who is settled in being with you.

[Clinton]

Couple of things. Why does it matter That she's attractive and popular. Does that mean you overlook things to try and keep her?

 

Also, if you're at the stage where you're snooping you have big problems. Relationships have to be based on trust. No trust, they end. Usually badly.

 

Talk to her. If you can't communicate your relationship is dead anyway. Express your concerns. If you're still not comfortable, end it and find someone you can trust.