Thinking of cheating!

[mandyglass]

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5, share a 4-year old son and an 18-month old daughter. For the past year or so, I find myself constantly seeking attention/affection from other men/women. My husband smokes marijuana daily. He works hard and is a good father, but a very distant husband. I think this is because of the pot. We are on two totally different playing fields. I've tried to talk to him about this and even warned him that our marriage is in "serious trouble." Anytime I bring anything up, he tells me to either quit complaining or leave. I've suggested counseling, and he says he doesn't need it, if I am not happy, I need to go to counseling, it's my problem! We very rarely have sex, and do not spend anytime alone... I've tried, but he's not interested. My friends and I have made it a point to go out one weekend a month. We go out dancing, and it is soooo much fun!!! I seem to get alot of attention when we go out, which feels... AMAZING! I've asked my husband to go out with me, but he just wants to stay home, smoke, play playstation, and watch tv. I guess I am just exhausted by even trying anymore. It's like I'm not even there. But when I go out, It's completely different. I am so confused because I don't want to hurt him, but I am hurting every time I have to come back home. I find myself thinking constantly about being with other people... Someone that would be happy to be with me... and show it! Someone please help me figure out what to do!!![/b]

[Spirits Away]

Try different methods of getting your point accross without coming off as "complaining". It's difficult to get something accross as "very serious" when you've been that way with him for 10 years. In a way, i think you're the one whose just not putting effort into communicating appropriately with him.

 

When you come up with something, try communicating in a way that it doesn't hurt him but make your point clear.

 

You're either going to choose the path of developing love, or like you've said, cheating for it.

[Caldus]

My only advice if you decide to leave him is to leave him first and then go find someone new.

[mandyglass]

I don't understand what method I should use to convey my message. I told him that I think we should go to counseling because it scares me that I feel this way. He loves me, I know he does, but honestly, he is quite lazy and just does not want to put in any effort into making our relationship better. I don't know how to tell him how I feel without coming off as "complaining" or being hurtful by telling him my desire to be with someone else. Also, he is very defensive when I bring anything up. That is why I would like to go to counseling, but he is not willing to do that.

[Abacab]

Looks like your hubby is taking you for granted.

 

Now think very hard: If you're pretty sure that you can look after the children with him not around, declare an ultimatum to the effect that he should stop smoking pot (which shouldn't take place in a home with kids around) and curtail playing video-games and pay more attention to you! That, is another form of communication as well.

 

Well, if he doesn't want to play ball, unfortunately you're going to become more and more bitter against him with time; which might lead you to adultery. So act now, and don't let him off the hook.

 

If everything goes downhill, consider divorce. But in the meantime, affairs are a big no-no. It can be used against you in a court, resulting in you losing custody of the children.

 

Hope everything turns out OK.

[TheMailMan]

try doing something very sexy... get some good looking lingerie... and leave a note saying there is something special for him in the bedroom... and then have him walk in to the room with you in the sexy lingerie with the lights off and the room full of candles... i would not advise leaving him for the sake of the children...

[Spirits Away]

Good, I see that you're communicating in the same wavelength as I. When you bring up something to "work out" on, or to improve on, you're reminding them of their weak points. I'll try to give you an image. Try to think about your weakness that always bothers you, and be pointed out by yelling and shouting (criticism & rejection). Who actually likes to be pointed out their weakness? And to be pointed out with that type of communcation, and to expect him to take you seriously, it's just absurd.

 

Woman who only knows how to communicate that way cannot gain my respect for them. They're just being stupid. Not talking about you because you are at least aware of it & wants to see the other half of the picture.

 

I don't know whether your husband is brave enough to face it or not. But definitely not from someone whom he may not have respect for. Do you remember times where you really respect someone and that they taught you a lot about life? That may be a way to approach it if you got that circumstance avaliable. Be a respectable woman yourself. Or get someone he respects to talk about it with him. Who knows, you may discovered that he is aware of it and perhaps he may never have learnt to love in the first place. Then you get a better understanding of how to approach what you want.

 

What popped up my mind when you stated your problem in the first post was, to make him uncomfortable by not doing certain things for him anymore. But I remember being "doned that to" and i took the revenge step to solve the whole thing. I have nothing to lose at all. So ignoring, or not paying attention to him is not a good way either.

 

I'm actually taking a very good course right now, and hopefully this skill will help you out. You may have heard of it, but never tried it. It's healthy for your son as well. If you're going to state something to improve on, try to compliment him on the things he did well as detailed as you can. Then followed by something that is good to improve on to make him a better person.

 

I'm not married, so i'm not sure stating your feeling would be a good thing or not. Guys like to make girls happy. But I'm not sure if that's a priority in a married man. Stating your feeling may come off as a bury to him, which do you think it is?

 

Just remember that a woman complaining will never get respected by a man. So try different methods, if one doesn't work, try another way.

 

When I read your post, it kind of hurt me because you're looking at changing something that has been like that for 10 years. It may need some dedication in your side. The question may be, would u be willing to put this dedication? I also have to remind you that when you get attention either from guys/girls outside, do you really not see how surface things are? I mean, when i see someone who pays a lot of attention to me, i would try to get the feel of whether they're the long term material. The exciting ones are often not.

[mandyglass]

I do understand what you are saying. The last thing I want to do is to make him feel... like he is not worthy or something. I do understand about the implications of someone paying attention to me. I guess it's just that I enjoy, so much, having someone to talk to and to joke around with and to dance with. I am completely aware that it's not all his fault... I need stimulation in life, he is fine because he can get high every day, but I cannot afford a drug habit, because of the children. I have tried so many ways to communicate with him, but he doesn't understand, because his life is good, it's just the way he wants it. He has literally come out right and told me "If you are unhappy, that's your problem!" I really don't know what else to do. Cheating is not the answer, and I know that deep down. I guess I am torn between my happiness and my kids and husbands happiness. I guess a better woman would sacrifice her own for that of her family. Thanks for your advice.

[sonjam]

I guess a better woman would sacrifice her own for that of her family.

 

Mandyglass, you are the best woman, wife and mother to your kids, becouse you are seeking help, before going off into the deep end. There is no better woman. The thing is, answers are not always there, and solutions are not always easy, but you dared to state the problem and ask for help. It's a start. How about going to counciling on your own? Thing is, it's not going to save your marraige, but it will give you the opportunity to clear your own mind about things, in a safe environment, it will help you get stronger, and more decisive on what you want, and maybe it will even bring the answers on what to do about the situation. Once you get going, maybe your hubby will notice, and realise if he's going to stay with you, he'd better start doing something about it too..

 

All in all, I can't see any negative things about helping yourself, and your kids, and your marraige will follow!

[cleverme123]

Send him a clear message without dragging someone else in. Leave for a little while until you can put your head together and decide if you want to deal with the marijuana problem or not. It certainly isn't a good thing for the kids. He is giving you all the clear signals that he doesn't care, so if he told me to leave I would.

 

Then when he doesn't understand why you will get your chance to speak whats on your mind and if you can't resolve it then you know its time to move on.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that you need to show him that if there is a problem in the marriage then its not just one persons problem, its a problem for both people. Use whatever is necessary to convey this message to your husband. If you dont want to support this kind of behavior anymore then you have to show your displeasure and it has to be clear what the problem is. If you cant show him there is a problem then nothing will be done. At this point if you feel your marriage is in question then you need to do something to get his attention and so he can see there is a problem.

[tanned_production]

I really respect you for seeking help with this... Since I am only 16 its hard for me to understand the aspect of having a husband and children... but i advise not leaving him unless you're THAT unhappy... for the sake of the kids.

 

 

Dont cheat... that's the worst way to show him that something is wrong. You said he is a good father ... are you more complaining about the issue than actually talking about it? You need to show him, not just talk about it. Most guys don't take hints very well, but you never know.

 

But best of luck with everything

 

[Spirits Away]

Right I forgot, marajuna and the lack of caring. So it's not as normal as I thought it was. What you really want to do is to leave anyways.

 

There are reasons why some of the male posters wants to help the guy. Sometimes we are comfortable and ignored your so called warning. But this is how we're like especially listening to the female way of communication. They sound like a door rattling, and we just get used to the repetition. And there are methods to get the message accross without actual scene of you leaving and him regreting.

 

By the way, i sounded like it's wrong to be leaving him, but there are certain types of people who are basically hopeless and whatever you say doesn't move them one bit. If he's one of those, i would think you may have married to the wrong guy to begin with.

[OldGuy]

I suggest you go to the counseling alone. Go to a counseler that will see you alone or both of you so that should your guy decide to join you later it won't be a problem.

 

Just going and being sure he knows you are going and why will send a clear message that you think you are in serious trouble.

 

Don't mess around outside the marriage, that's worse for your kids than anything else you could do. They will eventually find out and blame you for the breakup of the marriage.

[spiderman_56]

humm .... i don't think it's the pot the problem ..my gf used to smke some b4 and at the beginning of the relationship and it rather makes her horny and willing to do freaky stuff ...really freaky ..

 

the huge problem is that ur husband is taking you for granted and has been neglecting himself , you and ur emotional relationship and everything that includes him . Now the big question is that do u love him ? Have you stopped loving him ? Do u feel attraction for other men ? if yes , is it because that they provide u "admiration" , respect and other things that your husband has stop providing you , r u longing for the thrill of beeing pursued by someone else , r u just overly fed up with his lousy attitude that u no longer feel nothing for him ?...

I think you really need to know the answer to those questions ..and if you deeply love ur husband , but can't stand his coach -potato , make him loose that feeling of him taking you for granted ... Make him feel lose you ..and if he does love you he will want to "have" you back ... and instinctly try to seduce you over again .. which i think it's basically what you want ...

0X

[justagirl20f]

Leave him. Don't cheat on him. Just because the kids are there doesn't mean you have to live a life with a man you aren't in love with anymore. Take the kids, give them a good life, and encourage their father to be in their life. If he wants to, he will. If he doesn't, the kids are better off without him.

 

Imagine what kind of a mother you'll be if you're unhappy for the rest of your life/their lives. You owe it to everyone involved to start your own life and build a new relationship. Lots of couples stay together "because of the kids" but I honestly never understood how they reasoned that a life of lies, cheating, and deceit were better than living an honest, happy life with a single parent.

 

Good luck!