I need male advice on how to get him back

[rainy soul]

ok, here goes...My fiance of almost four years ended our relationship on new years eve. Just alittle history before I get to my point. I lived with this man for almost all of our relationship. I believed that I had met "the one" for as cheesy as that sounds when I met him. Our friends saw us as the ideal couple, passionate, committed, openly loving. In september I moved an hour away to follow my dreams and go to university. Although I feared that this would put an immense strain on our relationship my heart believed that our foundation was strong enough to see us through...here's where the trouble began...I would drive to see him every weekend, talk to him on the phone every night and little by little I felt him pull away from me. Even though I was putting out all the effort when I would go to see him he would not make an effort to spend time with me or alter his plans in the slightest to be with me. I felt humiliated and heartbroken that the man I thought I was going to marry the man that I had shared my soul with was acting the way he was. It got to the point that several of our mutual friends including the guys were telling me to "get out" of the relationship. The more heartbroken I felt the more I started to lash out at him and finally after having alittle too much to drink on the 3oth of december I told him to "just get it over with." Its strange a big part of me was preparing myself to leave him and yet I was hanging on with every ounce of hope that I had that we would pull through. We had never fought in the past and I realized on new year's eve that we had to resolve something...big mistake! He ended up ending the relationship saying that we were going in different directions...what the hell does that mean...It has been two months and we have seen eachother twice and have talked on the phone 4 or 5 times because I called him every time except for once. I have put my head on the chopping block almost every time asking him to consider trying one more time...his simple answer is I just can't see it working. My friends have told me that he partied almost every night for the first month and has settled down a bit since then but didn't ever ask about me or mention our relationship/breakup until 2weeks ago and luckly my friend said I was doing better and then he asked about me again a few days later...I'm terrified to call him as the last thing I want to do is be the crazy ex girlfriend, crazy when I think that just a couple of months ago we shared the same bed for years...I would like to give our relationship another chance but I feel lost as to what to do...does anyone have any insight into why he's acting this way, or how I can ho about getting him back at least back to talking! love to all you others out there broken hearted! rainy soul

[Mermaid]

Honey, I hate to say this but... he's clearly ready to move on with his life. He's told you as much--now it's up to you to accept it.

[melrich]

I don't have any advice about how you can get him back. It sounds like he found something he was missing when you guys moved apart. I guess he liked the greater freedom and began to start questioning the relationship. I am sure it was nothing you have specifically done or not done. You can only console yourself with the fact that at least you guys did not go ahead and get married and then find out it was not what one of you wanted.

[S4il]

Ask yourself the question, is he really worth all that much to you in life?

 

Your future, your goals you set for yourself in school, maintaining a positive attitude about getting back together with this guy, when he's been letting you down by saying "i just don't see it happening" that is sort of a given of a guy telling you that he's scared, or not wanting to be with anyone at the moment, or something else, I think what your faced with here is that you need to respect him, and more importantly yourself, looking desperate for things isn't always the best way to go about getting what you want, sometimes u have to play it cool, my advice to you is simple give him some space, see if he later on comes around and gives you a call when he doesn't hear from you for 2-3 weeks, I'm sure the results of no contact will play out in your favor more than what you may expect.

 

Good luck

[romantic sweetheart]

I want to write and tell you I am right there with you in the broken heart department. Sometimes our pain seems so severe, so life-shattering, we wonder how we can bear each second of our day. Right now you are hurting deeply, and your heart, mind and soul are reeling from the shock of loss. When someone we love seems to turn away from us, from everything that we have given, from all that we are, it is no small matter---these are the hold-on-for-dear-life moments. After four years of love and companionship, it seems so unclear why your boyfriend would suddenly end the relationship without much of an explanation or struggle. It seems that the distance had put a slight strain on things, but like you said, you unwaveringly drove to see him each weekend and kept the lines of communication wide open.

 

Many times men will not discuss problems they are having--with a relationship, with life in general, etc. Sometimes men fear that by talking about problems will only cause more problems. Men are often raised to divert attention away from internal states----It seems that something had been building, something not talked about, and when it came to staying or leaving, your boyfriend took the quickest way out--no questions asked. Now you are left standing there, wondering what happened, wondering why he isn't willing to discuss it further, try again, at least show that this was hard for him, too.

 

Men often distract themselves first, then ponder things later, as evidenced from your boyfriends month of partying. naturally, he is hurting, and surely quite deeply. Four years is a lengthy time to be together, and only a robot could walk away from that without so much a second thought, a tear, a sigh, a sleepless night or a wistful yearning.

 

It is torture to wonder, wonder what is going on, what you can do, say...should you call or not, why isn't he calling, when will he call....the relentless questions never end. I think it is all right to want to talk things out and gain a sense of understanding. After the years you spent togther, you want to have this level of communication. He meant something to you, something very precious and dear. His behaviours now indicate he is trying to sort through a lot of things, things he probably didn't discuss in length with you while you were together.

 

These modern times are so trying, and can leave us swirling about in a world of questions, doubts. It's hard to hold on to love when everything around us is so fleeting.....disposable cameras, 5 mintues of fame, fast food......relationships get wrung through the same cycle. I can tell, though, that your heart is true and deep--your devotion is complete and you aren't ready to give up so easily. Sure, every conneciton has its little rough patches, but many things can be resolved with love and patience.

 

If your boyfriend is not responding to your attempts to heal what has happened, then your heart is free......And when the pain subsides, the grief will have carved a new path, made a new chance for another love to enter into your life. Of course, that is not what sounds right at this point in time. So what you can do...is just allow your boyfriend to be distant for this time. Allow his thoughts to settle...and see what happens in a week or two or three. There is no chance he will just fade from your life all at once. You will get to talk again. Just let him come to you. You have extended the olive branch each and every time. He knows where your heart is. If he cannot continue on, you will know.......Please do not feel alone, because so many of us are struggling with the devestation of a shattered heart.

 

We are all here for you, holding on with you. I don't know if any of this helped. I wish I could say something exactly right--but at this time in your dear life, nothing seems right. I know everyhting feels so aching and melencholy, surreal and fearful.....it is shock, it is loss, it is ruin, it is loneliness, it is terror.....it is trying so hard to get through another day.....it is yearning, wanting, wishing, and crying so hard......

 

Life always finds a way....love always wants to continue....and the soul is so vast.....a realm, a heaven where a true and right match will enter and never, ever leave......

 

Today I felt so down, but a small little thought came into my head....now I have a chance to find a love that will last....a new person who will adore me for me and not make me hurt, not make me feel alone......I know that is going to happen for you..I just know it. You have so much to give. You were so generous with your time and affection, even when your boyfriend did not return the same to you. You did not give up. And that is what love is all about. There are people in this life who will see this about you, who will fall in love with your kindness, and who will nevr risk losing the precious thing that you are......

[rainy soul]

Dear Romantic sweetheart

A million thank-yous for your kind words and real understanding of what mine and so many other heartbreaks are enduring...I can see you have been here. I guess part of this pain stems from my fear, and disbelief that someone so near to my heart, my depths could walk away so easily...maybe like some have said he has moved on and I should too, but its comforting to know(believe?) that maybe this has been a lonely time for him too...stay strong...

[romantic sweetheart]

Yes...it is right that we feel our pain and seek out others who can help us heal. Our comfort comes from the kind words extended to us out of love and compassion. Without a doubt, your fiance has also sought out ways to recover from the separation, even if his feelings aren't as apparant. It is certain that you were very important to him--he was by your side for four years. Some things are so mysterious...how a soul can drift away from us after this long. And then we turn to our steely resolve to get us through, but it is just not the same as turning toward those warm, sweet arms that used to hold us all night.

 

What can we do..save write out all our thoughts, reach out for the small kindnesses that are offered us, shed passionate tears, and look up at the stars and make heart-felt wishes.......

 

What has helped me...is feeling like I can still send my love to someone, even if we cannot be together in this life....I walk outside, think of him, and then send him all my love and many blessings...just send it out into the world, wish him well, and blow a little kiss.........Somehow, it is very healing, and it makes me feel better to know I can still love......and that one day, that kind of love will always be returned......in the flesh........a pair of sweet eyes, a warm embrace, nighttime talks.....forever.......

 

Love doesn't just stop...there is nothing abrupt about love's ending......it is like a song that slowly fades away into another land......once upon a time we were listening to the same song....but now we go into our separate places, at our own pace...........it is okay to grieve now........and to take your time in pondering all that has been happening.

 

Because you hurt, you are alive.....and you love...........you have not closed yourself to love.........you have taken the risk...........One day, the risk of the thrilling leap will be rewarded....you will never be let go........

[freeben321]

could be either that he is ready to move on with his life, or that he thinks since you are advancing in your life, that soon you'd just push him out of your life, so he's done this first to avoid the hurt of you doing so...

 

in other words, "i think she's going to dump me soon, so i'll dump her before she can dump me..."

 

 

Works that way sometimes too...

[rainy soul]

freeben,

 

yes tell me, life is like what from your perspective? You could be on to something, re: he ended it before I had the chance to...as in the last month of our relationship I reached my boiling point and on several occasions mentioned to him that I couldn't go on with the way things were, and that I thought he had changed. If he left me because he was afraid I would leave him first do you think then that he could believe in us once again and welcome another chance? thanks! rainy soul

[rainy soul]

Is there anybody out there?

 

I'm starting to feel more and more desperate. My thoughts have become obsessive and my intire body is consumed with pain. I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed in the morning and its been over two months now. My mind is reeling over thoughts of what I might have done to sabotage the relationship and regret. Help! What can I do to start copping? I've tried everything, going out with friends, going to the gym, studying hard for school, going away for a week! The sad reality is you do all of this and it all comes back to one point...he's gone! I've started to think that I might try and see him this weekend, diner or something. It has been over a month since I last saw him. Maybe I could yet again ask for a second try...any advice of dos and don't say if I see him? Thanks

[djedix]

Qwell the obsession, you need to stop thinking about it so much. You're going to drive yourself insane, and get so stressed out, then eventually make yourself physcially sick. I know you love him, and you want to be with him, but if it's ment to be, time is the only thing that can fix it. You have to let Fate take it's course. I know it's hard but you have to face the reality. It might take a while, but eventually you will, and you'll be better off. chop your anchor off and put some wind back in your sails, and get moving again.

 

My fiancee left me. I swear on everything i thought she was the one. I can remember the exact moment i met her when i was 14 and a freshman at HS at a friends house. I don't know if she liked me then, but there was something there. In time we became friends in HS, because of another friend. she just kept coming into my life. She told me the last day of HS after graduation she was breaking up with my best friend, and she was inlove with me. I couldn't hurt my best friend, and i told her we can't do this now... I didn't speak to her for 5 years after HS, and she came back into my life, and we were so happy. we had a hell of a 2004, and we got engaged on christmas eve. then she changed. She wasn't the same person that told me she wanted a family, kids, and everything. She said she was afriad of growing up. I thought i did everything i could to be a good b/f. I never fought with her, i never disrespected her, i took her places, i did everything in my power to make her happy. apparently it wasn't enuff. Everything changed so fast, it was like runing head on into a wall at 90 mph. I was killed.In the months leading up to it she pushed away, i relized it now. I had dreams of getting a house, kids, and starting a family. All destroyed like instantly. Like if the deathstar shot my world and it exploded. Gone, all gone in an instant. I got sick, a few days later, and just wanted to die. All my dreams were fading away, and there was nothing i could do about it.

 

Cept get up, brush myself off, and get moving again. I Wish she would change and come back. I don't know if she's capable of that. But i also know if i keep bugging the hell out of her, it's going to ruin any chance. My advice to you, let him go for a while, and find out who you are again. Don't think about all the little crap. Think about you and getting better. Listen to music, write your feelings down, just go out side and stare at the stars. Cry if you have to, but trust me the tears will dry up eventually. and remember you can post up here, and someone will listen. Even if you tell your story over in every post! lol. I haven't seen mine since that night, when she left and i shut the door, and said bye. Don't wait for them to come back, because you might end up missing out on something else. If they do come back, take it slow, and proceed with caution. Don't rush it, because it's gonna take time to get back to where it was.

[rainy soul]

Well, I guess the more time moves on the layers of my deception begin to blow away one by one. I read over my initial message where I recounted my relationship and end of, in one fell swoop. Suddenly I've started to remember things that I had said in the past that I have I suppose selectively tried to ignore or erase from my memory. For example, I remember now that on possibly more than one occasion I said to my ex that I was preparing myself to move on. I understand at the same time though that these words held little conviction and much emotion resulting from my feeling that he was distancing himself. Some friends of mine recently told me that during the summer he would often joke that I was going to move to the city and dump him...Maybe he felt like I was going on without him and subconsciously begain to distance himself which in turn made me freak-out and reconsider things leading to statements such as "I'm preparing myself to leave you." Did I sabotage my relationship? I have always been the dumpee, and most of my relationships I realized in the end that I sabotaged or gave some sort of signal that I was ready to call it quits...I don't know really what it is to be the dumper...do you think he's over us?? Will we ever be ready to mend things?? Ps: just so that I don't come accross as totally pathetic, I was feeling somewhat better a couple of weeks ago, I have been getting out as much as possible, exercising, writting, crying, anything I could do, its just recently that I feel as if I've sunk lower than ever before. I think this sink is largely inpart to the realization that its been 2months and that he might be looking around for others to fill the void...heartbroken!!!

[jabean]

If you did sabotage your relationship it was probably because some where deep inside you knew he was not the one for you. I've done that before. ANd after the pain subsided, I was able to look back and go...yeah I did. ANd these are the reasons why........ Time can give you perspective. BUt during the course of the healing it can be very painful if you sabotaged or not. It does get better. Day by day it does.

[rainy soul]

I'm feeling awefull today...I feel as if i'm being suffocated by the pain inside and i'm feeling frantic!! I don't know how things have arrived at where they are? I sit and wait in vain by the phone night after night waiting for him to call...night after night he doesn't. We have not spoken now in 2weeks...I guess I just feel shocked that he could cut off contact altogether after 4years of being together. I went on a very out of the blue blind date last night, something I have never done before...it was a big let down. I was hoping that maybe at the very least I might have seen that there are other interesting people out there and that I might be desirable as well. I came home just feeling more lost without my ex than ever. I want to call him, see him anything! I'm fliping out! Should I call?

[alphonsefa]

Sometimes we miss the most obvious things; I'm a prime example myself. The most obvious thing you must realize and hold onto is that you cannot kill true love. That may sound simplistic but it's an undeniable fact of life. We all have arguments and disagreements with each other, but never once would I do anything to jeapordize the relationship, because I loved her with all of my heart. From reading your posts, you are the same exact way. There's no statement or small incident that drove him away; don't beat yourself up with the "should've and could've" things. Those are the things that derail us; we sit there and think, "geeze, if only I would've said this or done this", this might of never happened. That second guessing stuff is the real illusion, and nothing comes from it except more pain and heartache. You can't kill true love, it's an impossibility. The problem we fall into sometimes is that we let out emotions cloud the reality of the situation. Truly think about this...If you had the love of your life in your grasp, would you ever just break it off and walk away from the relationship? No way, you'd do everything possible to keep the relationship strong and healthy. Do you really want a relationship with someone who would breakup with you for what amounts to really no good reason? Just think how this person would be in a crisis situation; they'd tuck tail and run. The best piece of advice I can give you, and I will swear to you that it is the only thing that is guarenteed to work, is to go total NO CONTACT. If he wants to live without you, let him. Let him wonder why you aren't calling or writing anymore. I had a girl who strongly stated, "we're over hun!", when she broke up with me. She aslo told me "it just wasn't there", "that I needed to move on", and bunch of other hurtful stuff. So I let her go, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing! Lo and behold, less than a month later, guess who starts calling me and telling me, I was the greatest guy in the world, she never had anyone treat her so well, ect.. Then would call me up in hysterics to tell me about how bad things were going for her...lol. She thought she controlled the relationship because I was good to her, what she didn't realize is that you should never mistake kindness for weakness. Don't hang onto this guy with the occasional phone call or email, he'll only wind up using you. Take yourself off of the table as an option for him, this is what will grab his attention. What haunted my EX is that I wasn't calling, wasn't writing, and wasn't chasing. Just break all contact with him, this will work!

[rainy soul]

Good points! I'm starting to realize through all this pain that although I may not ever be with my ex again I will always have the love...what I mean is in some ways I have been truly blessed to have experienced love, that deep everything is possible love. I am keeping up the no contact thing. I guess I've also realized that if he has not called me its because he doesn't want to talk to me and in some ways I don't want to talk to him either. Even if I could speak to him like everything was "great" in my life the fact that I would call him indicates that I still need him in some way, and if I still need him he still has me dangling from his little fingers. I'm not trying to say that I want to play games, not at all, I just don't need to put myself in the "one down" situation over and over again. So I'm going to go on with no contact for as long as i can and hopefully in the meantime gather some strength for myself! take care

[cassiana]

a girlfriend got together with her man at a young age. about four years into the relationship she dumped him went wild for a year and went back to him. she just needed to have her fling you know. anyway they are married now.

 

i would adviise you not to contact him.

when he contacts you be happy and bright and do not mention the relationship.

get on with your life new activities etc.

do not beg him do not criticise him do not try to guilttrip him do not apologise. be happy and fun no matter how little you feel it.

do not volunteer any information about whether you are attached or single.

I bet you will get some reaction.

its hard on a person's ego when the person that begged to have them back one week seems to have happily put it all behind them the next.

 

good luck.

[rainy soul]

Thanks Cassiana,

I've been doing the no contact thing for three weeks now and even before that I spoke to him accidently two days in a row, I say accidently as one night I called him and the following day I was at a friends house and picked up the phone and it was him (no they don't have call display ) Anyways, i was genuinly happy when I talked to him those times and didn't mention anything about 'us.' My age on my profile is actually a mistake and I am in my mid to late twenties and the ex is too...We both have had long term relationships in the past so I don't think its an issue of spreading his wings. I am kind of at a loss as what I should do now? I'm terribly hurt that although our relationship ended for no good reason and ended relatively well ie: not cheating or big blow out he has decided to cut off contact all together with me? Any insights? Thanks again, take care.

[GATSBY]

rainy soul,

Let me ask you something...............what happened to your dream?

"In september I moved an hour away to follow my dreams and go to university.".....those are your words.

 

 

You left to pursue YOUR dream. YOUR dream!! Keep your focus on the BIG picture. Yes, your heart hurts. I have had a broken heart....the pain is almost unbearable. BUT....your heart will HEAL. Don't give up your dream....plunge forward into it. Love yourself enough to realize that this pain will pass with time, but if you give up your dream for this guy....I can assure you that there will come a time in the future when you will hate him for it.

[rainy soul]

Hi Gatsby,

I hear exactly what your saying and ironicly the ex said to me on several different occasions that if I didn't go to school that I would wake up in ten years from now and hate him. This is true I was not and am not willing to give up my dream. Although we were long distance for a few months it was only one hour away long distance and in the summer I'll be moving back to where he is for work. I guess I'm not willing to completely let go right now. I miss him, I feel like there's still alot of unfinished buisiness and I feel like he wimped out on us and is such a coward now that he can't face me! I have taken what you said to heart and am making every effort to live my life for myself right now and rediscover passions I put on the back burner for years! thank-you!

[rainy soul]

Ok,

Three weeks of no contact and he called me tonight. I had to call him back and hesitated before picking up the phone. Part of me was satisfied just to see that he had called and the other part of me dreaded the conversation...now what? We talked like we always did, no heaviness, no bringing up the relationship, it was nice to talk to him and the minute I felt like i needed more from him then he was giving I lightly told him that I had to go and left the door open for him to call me anytime. I don't know if i'm writing this to get advice as to where to now or just to let everyone who has been in this waiting for the phone to ring (more or less) situation that there is hope out there...even if his phone call was simply just to see how I'm doing or for someother reason its nice to know that yes there is some connection of friendship between us still...continuing to gather my strengths! take care

[rainy soul]

I'm starting to wonder if I should even be in this forum. I feel as if I'm just obsessing over this instead of moving on. I mean really what hope do I have after not seeing him for 2months and only speaking once in the past three weeks and him giving me no indication of wanting to talk things over or that he has feelings for me. I feel like I'm spining my wheels. I just spoke to a friend of mine who sees him often. She told me that he seems just as happy as ever and is excited about his summer plans. I'm starting to think that i'm just kidding myself and holding onto false hopes. Maybe I need to face the potential fact that it is really over it sounds stupid for me to even say that as how could I not face that fact when he ended the relationship 2.5 months ago. When do you decide that its time to face what you have been given instead of hoping for what could be?

[Fif Angel]

hey girl, I know what you meam I am right there with you Wondering if I should really be in this forum sometimes as all I ever seem to do is obsess over him.

 

Well this forum has been a Godsend to me! Every time I feel low or sad I re-read an old post or word of advice and it keeps me going. Without this forum I would never have any idea about `No Contact `etc, would have been on the phone everynight begging and crying for him to take me back.

 

I, too, am at the stage of wondering when it`s time to face the music, metaphorically speaking and accept it`s over. At the moment I`m deparately hoping that it`s not but y`know I think we have to figure out these things in our own time, no matter what people tell you I think ultimately you learn from your own mistakes, not anyone elses.

 

Hang in there hon. Pm me if you want to talk- I am in the exact same boat..

[rainy soul]

Help!

I'm going to a work related function tomorrow and there is a good chance I will see my ex after not seeing him for two months. I'm scared of the emotional damage this could do. I don't want everything I've worked through and for to be derailed!!!any advice words of wisdom??

[chimera_25]

im no expert, but my advice would be because you cant skip work functions (as tempting as it might be) you need to find a way to feel brave. go out and buy and new dress, shoes or get your hair done (if you dont have much money just having a profesional style your hair can make you feel glamorous and can cost under 20$) anything that might make you feel better and makes you look different from what he remembers you looking like might give you the strenght to hold your head up even if its just for a few hours. look to strong females in the media (i know this sounds strange) but use someone like Angelina jolie or jennifer aniston as your role modle for the night, they wouldnt let their very public breakups have them hiding in the corner at an office party. i want you to know i understant where you are coming from. having just been dumped by my first love i saw him for the first time two days ago. he was having lunch with one of my friends (im suposed to be moving in with her in 6 weeks) they didnt see me, they were both laughing and happy, i was totaly unprepared for that, it broke my heart over aging. at least you have the chance to build yourself up and be prepared for anything. my best wishes! be strong!