Very confused, feels like the beginning of the end

[Bluestone]

My BF and I are in our mid-30's and have been together for 10 months. Both of us were single for a long time before we met, and we fell straight into a regular pattern of spending a lot of time together. I've not had the easiest past when it comes to relationships, and activity avoided them for years, when I did I try I would always run at the first sign of trouble so haven't got a lot of experience with moving past conflict.

 

After a few months together, I started to really let him in, physically into my home (we always spend shared time at mine as I have a larger home) and mentally (sharing my fun life story), communication was really good between us. By November, he was spending 4-5 nights a week at mine and leaving more belongings here and he already had a key, I started to really cast aside my former fears and felt ready to start talking about living together. But he moved home without actually fully telling me, I had to piece it together from clues, and although he moved his belongings to a different place was still spending the same amount of time at mine. It was the start of our communication break down.

 

Things have been fluctuating since, sometimes they're fine, but on at least once a week at the moment he's sending my anxiety into overdrive.

 

He often gets frustrated when I don't share what is on my mind, but this week when I did finally share, he was instantly defensive rather than wanting to talk through why something might upset me and said that maybe I shouldn't tell him stuff anymore, and while we were having a conversation about how to try and improve our relationship was busy texting on his phone. When there's conflict, it always seems to be my fault, even when I'm upset over something he has done or not done.

 

It often feels like our relationship is good when it's on his terms, I fit in around his schedule, he often has short and long term plans that are "from before he met me" that now he's in a relationship seems that I don't need to be told, or asked for input on. He's stopped talking about the future recently, about plans, kids etc. Recently I admitted to him that I feel like he is ashamed of me, we went on holiday and he didn't want to be in photos with me, or have any of me. He's recently met up with friends telling me it's a guys night, but then tells me afterwards other partners were there.

 

We discussed money/ bills etc at the end of last year, he offered to start contributing towards my bills (as he's here all the time) from January, he's had some cash issues recently so I've not seen any money from him, and now that things are getting better for him, I asked if he was going to contribute (he said yes) and if there would be back-pay (he was very surprised I would ask for this). Although whenever we discuss money, he always says he thinks we are equal.

 

I'm starting to not trust him, it feels like he's holding back on saying things to me. I've also asked him directly and he said that he doesn't want space from our relationship.

 

I just can't tell at the moment if the way I'm feeling at the moment is because something is really wrong with our relationship at the moment or if it's just my old fears coming out, I think maybe I need a bit of space to work out what is going on in my head, but I don't know if that's from the side of me that runs away, any advice/ perspective would be welcomed!

[Hermes]

This isn't sounding good, Bluestone.

 

"When there's conflict, it always seems to be my fault, even when I'm upset over something he has done or not done. "

 

".... we went on holiday and he didn't want to be in photos with me, or have any of me."

 

"It often feels like our relationship is good when it's on his terms, I fit in around his schedule,"

 

Does he still have his place (I didn't quite get that from your post) and if he does then does he spend time there.

 

He's taking advantage of you financially. That's bad for a start. You are supporting him.

 

This is all very shadowy and gives me a bad feeling.....

[Bluestone]

He still has a place he spends 2-3 nights a week, 2 of those nights are his usual sports training nights that I never see him on, and the third is an optional depending if he's tired or wants to see friends.

 

The financial side of things I see from both sides, he's self employed and I'm moderately successful in my career so am comfortable with a contribution towards the bills rather than expecting him to pay half.

 

The thing I find challenging is the part where it feels like things are on his terms, especially when it comes time away from each other, it doesn't help that over a long period of time (before I met him) I've been having some issues with friends and now at the point where ready to walk away from my primary social group, so I know my trust issues and insecurities are worse.

 

Last night we were talking about going away for a weekend break, and because he's now going on a stag weekender (surprise to me, apparently been booked for a while) and him and his friends have various plans coming up, he suggested I went away alone (not great timing after the Tuesday conversation where I admitted it felt like he was ashamed of me).

[Hermes]

There isn't much to be said, Blue.

 

What is in this relationship for you? Is it worth it. And could I remark whether he is self-employed or not, he should be contributing to the household bills seeing as he lives there with you.

 

Oh yes....

 

Do you know his friends/family? How/where did you first meet?

 

When you say single a long time does this mean he was married or in a partnership before?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like when you brought up money for him basically living there things went downhill. He may have enjoyed being a free guest but not the thought of the responsibilities of living costs and living together.

 

There seems to be 'visitor to living-together creep' which is often poorly defined. For example, his name is not on the mortgage/lease. He is maintaining his own residence and expenses? Asking for back-pay sounds like he is a tenant in arrears.

 

It seems the issue is he views himself as a frequent guest and you view this as living together. What if he just contributes to the actual extra costs such as food or whatever?

My BF and I are in our mid-30's and have been together for 10 months. By November, he was spending 4-5 nights a week at mine and leaving more belongings here and he already had a key...although he moved his belongings to a different place was still spending the same amount of time at mine.

 

We discussed money/ bills etc at the end of last year, he offered to start contributing towards my bills from January, he's had some cash issues recently so I've not seen any money from him, and now that things are getting better for him, I asked if he was going to contribute (he said yes) and if there would be back-pay (he was very surprised I would ask for this).

[Bluestone]

He was the one who offered to contribute towards living expenses and said it would be from January, so I don't feel unreasonable given it's mid-April to check with him what the situation is that, he has belongings here, he's invited on different occasions his parents and friends over for dinner - he knows he's more than a visitor.

 

We have talked about fully living together, and decided (for various reasons) to park the conversation until the summer.

[Wiseman2]

That comes from his maintaining his own place and you allowing yours to be the 'our place' destination. Rather than both people visiting each other at each others homes on a more equal footing. So in effect you allowed your place to become "our place" and his is a private man-cave.

 

Do you really need the living expenses contribution? You were supporting it alone before? Charging him for being there seems to be some sort of message rather monetary need? He has already removed most of his things? That is a step in the right direction.

He still has a place. The thing I find challenging is the part where it feels like things are on his terms, especially when it comes time away from each other, it doesn't help that over a long period of time.

[Bluestone]

There isn't much to be said, Blue.

 

What is in this relationship for you? Is it worth it. And could I remark whether he is self-employed or not, he should be contributing to the household bills seeing as he lives there with you.

 

Oh yes....

 

Do you know his friends/family? How/where did you first meet?

 

When you say single a long time does this mean he was married or in a partnership before?

 

 

I feel it is worth it, there is a lot of great things about us, he makes me laugh, he's the first person I want to tell things to, he's the first person in a very long time that makes me even consider thinking about the future not just living day by day.

He wanted me to meet friends and family quite early, and I get on well with them all, although he's not invited me out with his friends for a few months.

 

We met on a dating site, turns out we should of known each other though, same schools, bars etc.

 

I'm the longest relationship he's been in, like most long singletons at this age he had been hurt in the past and I think he just enjoyed spending time with friends

[ecaryn]

I don't like to jump to conclusions on these type of things, but your description of his actions, his evasiveness, his unwillingness for public recognition of your relationship, and his seemingly new lack of availability makes me suspect there is another woman in the picture.

[Bluestone]

I don't like to jump to conclusions on these type of things, but your description of his actions, his evasiveness, his unwillingness for public recognition of your relationship, and his seemingly new lack of availability makes me suspect there is another woman in the picture.

 

He is available, on the nights he doesn't see me always calls. I don't think there's another woman, and been cheated on enough times in the past to know the signs.

 

I think it's a communication slump we're in, that I know know how to improve. He gets upset if I don't share, he now gets upset if I do share, and when I share he doesn't then want to acknowledge why I'm upset!

[Bluestone]

That comes from his maintaining his own place and you allowing yours to be the 'our place' destination. Rather than both people visiting each other at each others homes on a more equal footing. So in effect you allowed your place to become "our place" and his is a private man-cave.

 

Do you really need the living expenses contribution? You were supporting it alone before? Charging him for being there seems to be some sort of message rather monetary need? He has already removed most of his things? That is a step in the right direction.

 

Interesting point about the man-cave, and not to sound defensive but regardless of if I need the money or not, how can we be in a financially balanced relationship if he doesn't contribute something towards household expenses? And yes, I could use the money, as my water, gas and electric bills are double what they used to be!

 

Also he still has stuff here, he just moved is "other/ real" home.

[reinventmyself]

I've been having some issues with friends and now at the point where ready to walk away from my primary social group, so I know my trust issues and insecurities are worse.

 

I agree with all the other feedback but wanted to touch on this.

 

No doubt it's a difficult time but without support and an outlet it's likely you might be over relying on him.

In addition to sorting things out with him it's important that you focus on this part of your life as well.

 

When you have a full life of your own there tends to be a shift in what you'll tolerate and what you'll let bother you.

I imagine that if you had more friends you wouldn't tolerate the freeloading financial side of his behavior and you'd be more selective when choosing a partner.

On the same note it probably wouldn't bother you as much that he's out with his friends and you don't feel like a priority to him because you'll be doing the same.

[Hermes]

Acaryn.

 

You just expressed the first thought I had when I read the OP. I didn't want to say......

 

Bluestone: Just ask: why would he not want you in a photo along with him. That is very strange. But it isn't, if he wants to show his photos to others but doesn't want you to be seen in those photos.

 

It often feels like our relationship is good when it's on his terms,

 

Is that the kind of relationship you want?. He makes you laugh, you can tell him things.....

 

I know several people in my world who make me laugh, I can tell them things....but they sure ain't living with me for free.

[Bluestone]

reinventmyself - agree with you, the current friend issues is damaging to my confidence, one of the reasons I've withdrawn from them is one felt the need to comment how if this relationship went bad it would be because I would be the one to screw it up (not in those words, but that was the jist) and that was only a couple of months in before we had any form of problem.

 

Hermes - He's not a fan of having his photo taken (neither am I sometimes) and he did have a couple taken with me, but I had to ask him and it was on the last night before I left (he stayed overseas for a few more weeks - one of those "plans before he met me")

 

For years I avoided relationships, the closest I would get would be a long-term fling, now I do want a relationship, and for the most part I think we have a healthy one. But there are the things I mentioned which are making it challenging for me to work out how to move past

[SooSad33]

Good thing these 'issue's are coming out BEFORE he has actually moved in.

I suggest you do NOT rightly agree on him moving in anytime soon.

 

Sounds like you two have some things you need to iron out.

 

One is communication.

Two is respect. He should try to remember to inform you of things going on.. especially when you thought you two had plans.

 

But, you also need to remember he DID have a life before you came along and that IS still allowed. he does not have to drop everything because he is now dating you.

It is just fine to have a social life.. but yes, there needs to be that communication & respect involved.

 

it has been 10 months? And yes, in time you will come to see IF you two are 'compatible'. sadly, doesn't always work out.

[Bluestone]

Good thing these 'issue's are coming out BEFORE he has actually moved in.

I suggest you do NOT rightly agree on him moving in anytime soon.

 

Sounds like you two have some things you need to iron out.

 

One is communication.

Two is respect. He should try to remember to inform you of things going on.. especially when you thought you two had plans.

 

But, you also need to remember he DID have a life before you came along and that IS still allowed. he does not have to drop everything because he is now dating you.

It is just fine to have a social life.. but yes, there needs to be that communication & respect involved.

 

it has been 10 months? And yes, in time you will come to see IF you two are 'compatible'. sadly, doesn't always work out.

 

 

Agree on the life, I've been really independent for years, I've lived alone for 5 years and the idea of having someone else in my home was so alien at first, but I realised how much I enjoy him being here, and the fact we can give each other space when in the same room. But I agree we are not ready at the moment (and given the last few months) to consider living together, which is one of the reasons why the conversation about formally living together was parked until the summer (although that hasn't changed the time he spends at mine).

 

I welcome the fact he has a life, it would drive me insane spending every non-working minute with the same person, but his lack of communication about plans is an issue that I've asked him to work on

 

Does anyone have any ideas how to work the communication side??? because I feel like I can't say anything now to him without upsetting him or somehow it looping back to me

[Hermes]

Bluestone:

 

This is what you said:

 

"I feel like he is ashamed of me, we went on holiday and he didn't want to be in photos with me, or have any of me. "

 

And... he doesn't want to have a photo of you either....

[reinventmyself]

reinventmyself - agree with you, the current friend issues is damaging to my confidence, one of the reasons I've withdrawn from them is one felt the need to comment how if this relationship went bad it would be because I would be the one to screw it up (not in those words, but that was the jist) and that was only a couple of months in before we had any form of problem.

 

In that context, no it's not a kind thing to say to a friend.

 

However there are a couple common denominators here and that is this relationship is in trouble and your friend made a comment about it.

I wasn't there and don't know what was said in `jist' But friends often tell us the very things we don't want to hear.

 

Does anyone have any ideas how to work the communication side??? because I feel like I can't say anything now to him without upsetting him or somehow it looping back to me

It feels as if you asking if you say it a different way then maybe he'll get it?

It takes the willingness of two people to learn communication skills for it work.

It he on board with learning?

[Hermes]

So so true, Reinvent.

 

"But friends often tell us the very things we don't want to hear."

[Bluestone]

We have 4 photos of us from the last 10 months, and when we were on holiday if my camera was near him he made a big deal about it (even if I was taking a photo of something else). I guess I want a future with him, I want to be able to look at a lifetime of photos when we're older (I know that's cheesy), I've spent years seeing friends and family put up on facebook or display in their homes photos of day trips and holidays, I don't think it's wrong to want that too.

[Bluestone]

The comment the friend made was in reference to my previous fling mostly (long story), and I think a lot of jealously as she's been single a long time. PLUS was made at the start of our relationship, I mentioned it as an example of confidence/ trust issues.

 

My friends and family really like my BF

[Hermes]

Absolutely nothing wrong with that Bluestone. Definitely not cheesy. What family doesn't want to have photos to look back on. I feel so grateful to whoever it was that kept photos of my great-grandparents. Yes! And my grandparents.

Sure, some people don't like getting their photo taken, fair enough. But not wanting you in the photo is what stirs me here.

 

I am recalling at this moment a girl I used to know years ago. She got married, and she had some very nice studio photos taken, got one put in a frame for her husband to have at his place of work (he worked for himself so no problem there). He totally refused! Then again of course he also refused point blank to wear the wedding ring.....

Suffice to say that the outcome was not good.

[Wiseman2]

Does he consider it his "home" or home away from home? Has he contributed? Do you feel he carries on a separate life where he makes independent plans only advising you after the fact? Do you think getting a check for the bills will help the relationship?

Interesting point about the man-cave, and not to sound defensive but regardless of if I need the money or not, how can we be in a financially balanced relationship if he doesn't contribute something towards household expenses? And yes, I could use the money, as my water, gas and electric bills are double what they used to be! Also he still has stuff here, he just moved is "other/ real" home.

[Bluestone]

Does he consider it his "home" or home away from home? Has he contributed? Do you feel he carries on a separate life where he makes independent plans only advising you after the fact? Do you think getting a check for the bills will help the relationship?

 

 

He has often referred to my home as "home" privately to me and in front of me to friends. He buys food sometimes, but often at tills will ask me to pay half. I think it would help as I feel I'm starting to resent him about it.

 

Separate life? not sure, when we go out (even with other people) he wants to be "home" (as in mine) by 10pm, often he will have work the next morning or has made sunday morning plans for a 7am bike ride, when he goes out with friends (without me) he'll text at midnight to say he's heading back to his. I don't always want to stay out late, but I would like it if he wanted to with me. And the whole fitting in around his plans, I know when he's filling up his Friday night and Sunday early morning, all he's going to want to do with me on the Saturday he wants to spend with me is sit on the sofa and watch a movie.

 

Also, I would love to drunk dance with him, never have, once commented on it and he said because there hasn't been an opportunity, I responded that was because we leave before there is an opportunity. Even when were on holiday he wanted to be back at the hotel by 10, but when I went home and he met up with friends in the extra few weeks he was away he was doing all-nighters in bars and dancing, getting in at 6am and then telling me on the phone how his guy mates were pulling girls. I just don't understand that side of it, why is it so different for him with friends compared to me?

[Hermes]

Geeze, Blue, he lives at your place, eats there. I cannot see why he wouldn't pay his share. And he should not even have to be asked to do so. It should come from him. If you had a room-mate, for example, wouldn't you expect him or her to contribute towards the bills (utilities)?

He's got a real cozy arrangement going.