2nd breakup, same woman, broke no contact, I really screwed up!

[robbeebobbee]

I am 49 years and am going through a 2nd break up with the same woman. Her and I have been friends for 30 years but recently became romantic in August of 2015.( we are both the same age) The first break up came after 3 months. The original reason was that she had been in a relationship earlier on in the year and did not feel like she was completely over it. She tried putting me back in the friend zone, but I went into No contact. At the time, I was, and several of my family members were, on facebook. I had advised my family not to contact her and like any of her posts. There were some hurtful exchanges between my grown daughters( all in their 20s) and my Ex.

I thought my chances were dashed and I never thought I would be with her again. She started contacting me before the Holidays by text, I asked her to Christmas Eve service and she was excited to go!

We got back together, spent the winter together at her home on the weekends and everything seemed to be back on track. (My Ex also lives with her parents because she is on disability and has multiple health issues) The time we spent together was while they were in Florida for the winter. This continued on for 3 more months. She would not come to my home, because I live with my 2nd oldest daughter and grandkids. There was still some hard feelings that my Ex had for my daughter. On April 1st, I asked her to attend my father's 91st birthday party at a local restaurant and she agreed. I picked her up and all was going well, then she ran into my daughter. My daughter tried to sit down with us, but my Ex shook her head " no ". She wanted me to take her home, but I asked her to stay just for the dinner.

Afterwards, I took her home. On the way she explained that I had put her in an uncomfortable position at the party. I explained that my daughters were willing to let this go and bury the hatchet so that we would be able to continue to date and spend time with each other.

After attempting to call her the same night, She sent me a text, stating that my family was a mess, my daughters used and abused me, there will never be a truce, I should be ashamed of putting her in this position, I have made my bed and I can sleep in it, Don't call or Text, and Have a nice life!

I did not respond to the text and have been in no contact until this morning. I woke up missing her and wrote that " I did not agree with the things that happened between us and to call me if she changes her mind." It felt like the right thing to do at the time since I did not contact her after her final text. Later this afternoon she sent a 4 page text on how she specifically told me not to text, that I was pushy, she would never be able to forgive my daughter, She has moved on and I should too, Any additional texts or phone calls would be considered aggressive and stalking.

Bottom line is I did not practice what I had been taught to do in this situation and I really screwed up. I have a new book to read on relationships and plan on finding a woman that will accept me for who I am. It just hurts so bad because I have known her for so long and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. (((EHUGS))))

[abitbroken]

Bottom line is I did not practice what I had been taught to do in this situation and I really screwed up. I have a new book to read on relationships and plan on finding a woman that will accept me for who I am. It just hurts so bad because I have known her for so long and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. (((EHUGS))))

 

First of all - you need to figure out how to negotiate boundaries.

 

You spent the whole winter with this woman and it comes off like you were running away from home. Why is your daughter and grandkids living with you? Do you have an action plan where your daughter is going to do things to become more independent so that she can get a place for herself and her kids at some point? Or is it basically a package deal that you will be living with and supporting your daughter and grandkids for life? You need to figure that out regardless of a relationship.

 

Also - at three months of dating - if she was a family friend before - it would have been wise to have kept the fact that you were dating quiet until you were sure it was a go? 3 months is not really a relationship. Its the beginning of dating to see if it will work.

 

You also - boundary wise had decided you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman where dating had ended after three months - you guys can't even keep it together for a few months - so why are you pinning the rest of your life to her?

 

Bottom line is I did not practice what I had been taught to do in this situation and I really screwed up. I have a new book to read on relationships and plan on finding a woman that will accept me for who I am. It just hurts so bad because I have known her for so long and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. (((EHUGS))))

 

You need to get your act together. Its not just finding an accepting woman, because YOU also have to be acceptable - and if I was dating someone just three months and their kid had choice words for me already - I would not want to continue with the relationship because it shows they have no respect for their parent or their relationship or their parent has not instilled respect. If there was a valid concern by one of the kids, they should go to their parent and talk it through. If someone's kid had choice words at three months, what would they be like in a year.

 

 

No it is not up to you to not "agree" about what happened. It happened and you can't put it back in the box. She decided that the dynamic of you and your kids was too much for her and not what she wanted. It is not the fact that you broke no contact but the fact that this was not a go from the beginning. If you had not texted her like she wished - you still wouldn't have gotten her back later on.

[abitbroken]

Please remove the photo from your post. That is in invasion of her privacy if that is her in the photo and shows a clear lack of boundaries, as you did not ask for her permission to have her photo on the internet, where it could be grabbed by anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Hmm... I would not contact anyone who said has moved on and I should too, Any additional texts or phone calls would be considered aggressive and stalking"

 

It sounds as though your living arrangements are creating a bit of dating stress and that your daughters are not respectful/accepting of your dating choices. That however is a family issue.

 

The conflict with the daughters was the primary issue and again the issue this time.

 

You may miss her but that email was in writing and if you persist after a strong warning like that she may do something weird like get a restraining order. Just lay back... maybe get family counseling and try to find someone who is more compatible with you and your family.

I am 49 years and am going through a 2nd break up with the same woman. Her and I have been friends for 30 years but recently became romantic in August of 2015.( we are both the same age) The first break up came after 3 months. The original reason was that she had been in a relationship earlier on in the year and did not feel like she was completely over it. She tried putting me back in the friend zone, but I went into No contact. At the time, I was, and several of my family members were, on facebook. I had advised my family not to contact her and like any of her posts. There were some hurtful exchanges between my grown daughters( all in their 20s) and my Ex.

I thought my chances were dashed and I never thought I would be with her again. She started contacting me before the Holidays by text, I asked her to Christmas Eve service and she was excited to go!

 

We got back together, spent the winter together at her home on the weekends and everything seemed to be back on track. (My Ex also lives with her parents because she is on disability and has multiple health issues) The time we spent together was while they were in Florida for the winter. This continued on for 3 more months. She would not come to my home, because I live with my 2nd oldest daughter and grandkids.

 

There was still some hard feelings that my Ex had for my daughter. On April 1st, I asked her to attend my father's 91st birthday party at a local restaurant and she agreed. I picked her up and all was going well, then she ran into my daughter. My daughter tried to sit down with us, but my Ex shook her head " no ". She wanted me to take her home, but I asked her to stay just for the dinner.

 

Afterwards, I took her home. On the way she explained that I had put her in an uncomfortable position at the party. I explained that my daughters were willing to let this go and bury the hatchet so that we would be able to continue to date and spend time with each other.

After attempting to call her the same night, She sent me a text, stating that my family was a mess, my daughters used and abused me, there will never be a truce, I should be ashamed of putting her in this position, I have made my bed and I can sleep in it, Don't call or Text, and Have a nice life!

I did not respond to the text and have been in no contact until this morning. I woke up missing her and wrote that " I did not agree with the things that happened between us and to call me if she changes her mind." It felt like the right thing to do at the time since I did not contact her after her final text. Later this afternoon she sent a 4 page text on how she specifically told me not to text, that I was pushy, she would never be able to forgive my daughter, She has moved on and I should too, Any additional texts or phone calls would be considered aggressive and stalking.

Bottom line is I did not practice what I had been taught to do in this situation and I really screwed up. I have a new book to read on relationships and plan on finding a woman that will accept me for who I am. It just hurts so bad because I have known her for so long and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. (((EHUGS))))

[catfeeder]

This thing never had any legs. You both created a vacation bubble around seeing one another but it never got off the ground around your families. It makes no sense that this woman wouldn't have anticipated your daughters being at a family gathering, so she was just holding up your daughter as her reason to break what wasn't going to go anywhere anyway.

 

Someone raised a good point to figure out: where is your adult daughter with kids going? Is she in school or working a job to become self sufficient? If not, you're creating parameters around your own life that will limit your ability to form relationships beyond some casual dating, because few women will want to sign on for anything serious that comes with with a household of dependants.

 

So I'd start there. You get to decide how much the choices of your adult daughters will dictate your life going forward. Just as you're not allowed to pick their dates for them, they should have boundaries in their influence over your love life as well. I'd discuss daughter's plans for self sufficiency and get a counselor or case worker involved in her development.

[shiner501]

You should not reach out to this woman again man. She told you not to and you do not want a restraining order. Leave it to her if there are any legs left in this.