My friend comes to me for help, but she just doesn't want to see!

[Lovelavie]

So I have this friend, who happened to become my friend because she is the GF of one of my boyfriend's best friends... We've become closer in the past 3 to 4 months due to a crisis in their relationship. She has come to me for help and advice and although she has listened to me most of the time, she is extremely submissive to him!

 

Long story short, they've been dating on and off for almost 3 years now. She's 19 and he's 33, however, he's extremely immature, especially for his age. He barely works, he lives with his parents and he treats her really bad. He doesn't care about her, he barely talks to her during the week, and every time he treats her worse and worse, and she's always finding excuses for his behavior.

 

About a month ago, she found Tinder on his cellphone, he gave an excuse that it was from the time they had broken up... we both knew, however, that was not true. Still, she made excuses for it, like: he's probably unhappy with work, he probably has low self esteem so he did this to make him feel better... and everything along that line. She's always insecure in the relationship and she doesn't have the freedom to be herself, in resume, it's basically an abusive relationship where she's too weak to get out.

 

So, today, she went through his phone again (she's always doubtful and doesn't trust him), and she found Tinder again, and this time with conversations with different women, even texting them good morning, something he doesn't do for her, ever. She came to me again, to talk about it. I got angry at the situation of course, and told her she's the only one in control of her decisions. Even he said she deserves better and humiliated her, saying it was better for her to see the conversations so they could break up already. And instead of her picking her stuff and leaving his house, she simply stayed there! She kept texting me, saying she just couldn't leave, that she was used to the routine... after three years she just couldn't accept it and come to her senses and break up with him.

 

I've already told her that he is cheating in her face and she had to make a decision yet she chooses to be with him, but keeps talking to me, seeking me for "advice", I don't understand what kind of advice she wants since I've already told her that in my opinion cheating is cheating, and catching it the second time means he'll always do it... I'm starting to get mad at her, I think she's a nice person and all but what kind of person chooses a relationship like this?? She talks to me almost everyday complaining about him and after this it's clear that he's cheating and has no respect for her, so why does she choose to stay with him?

[itsallgrand]

How is it that your boyfriend is best friends with this guy? And how is that ok with you?

 

It seems to me you aren't in much of a position to help this girl while you are in the compromised position of basically endorsing his behaviour as ok by being with someone yourself who is alright with it. Do you see what I am saying??

[Lovelavie]

He is a good friend, he's just not a good boyfriend for her! Before her, he was in a relationship for 6 years where he suffered a lot so I think that damaged him in some way. And in no way I said my BF is ok with, in fact he's already talked to him about it, but he's a 33 year old man, he has to make decisions for himself. Also, my BF is not all that attached to him, I say one of my BF's best friends because he's the one we mostly hang out with. It's just frustrating that she comes to me for help and I've told her what I would do in her position but she never listens and this keeps happening

[SooSad33]

You can only say or do so much. The rest IS up to her. If she can't see thru this haze on her own.. it's her own issue.

She sounds really insecure.. yet she knows what's going on and can't seem to let go and walk....weakness.

 

This is TERRIBLE to one's self esteem and mentality! She does need to see this. Tht this is NOT in any way 'love' or respect and is damaging....

 

I suggest YOU back off with giving her any more 'assistance' and ask her to STOP asking for anymore. That she has to deal with it on her own now... hopefully soon enough she will.

 

Don't let yourself get brought down in it too.

[Lovelavie]

It's making me angry to the point where I'm almost being rude to her. Like, if she was snooping through his phone, she was hoping to find something, and if she was hoping to find something, what reason was it for?? To break up with him, or to only suffer even more? It's ridiculous

[itsallgrand]

By spending all this time with him, while he is making these sorts of decisions, you two are in a sense supporting it and though your words say one thing...by your actions, she gets the message this is ok and normal.

 

Yeah he's a grown man and makes his own choices. He could also choose therapy, instead of harming this girl. Think of the lasting impact on her, even after she leaves, because he chose to take out his issues on a girl who doesn't know better.

 

If you are going to be angry at anyone, be mad at him. You can choose not to hang out with him until unless he gets on a healthier path.

 

Maybe then, you would have a slight chance to help her. But people only change when they are ready. All you can do is be there in a position to support if when they are ready for that.

[tallydoo]

Tough love in this situation. "I've already told you my advice; when the situation changes or you're ready to act on it, I'm here."

[Lovelavie]

It is a tough situation, and I don't think that if I stop hanging out with him it will change anything. It is the way it is... we have a circle of friends and he just happens to be a part of it. The issue is with himself. He has internal issues and takes it out on this girl.

 

I've been in a similar situation even though not as close as this, I think we've all been with someone at some point who doesn't deserve us, but I had enough strength to get out of it. She even told me she wants to try and make him fall in love with her again, I mean come on! Love yourself a little.

 

He even told her she deserves better. He's told me before he doesn't like her but doesn't have the guts to break up with her and I've told her that but she keeps making excuses and excuses... I don't understand why she comes to me expecting different answers when I'll ALWAYS think this way. Cheating is cheating, no matter what. No excuses.