exes and money

[Fran2]

Hi all. I have posted here in the past (a long time ago) and found the answers very helpful. Perhaps you can help me now. To refresh a bit of the story, this was the worst break up I ever had to endure because it involved subtle abuse (which I did not see until later) and betrayal (not physical, but knowing what I know now I ould not be surprised). Not surprisingly, going NC was the best thing I ever did. It took tremendous strenght not to engage with him in any way but the rule works good and to cut a long story short I am doing much better now.

 

In fact I am doing better than ever before. I have not dated since and realize I have huge trust issues after what happened last year, but I have tured my life around big time. I founded my own small charity, I have been on the field doing really meaningful work for children of war, I have gained professional resepct, been around the globe, twice, and I am waiting for my first book to be published. All this happened within the last eleven months, since the last time I spoke to him. I guess I poured all the energy and frustration into what I saw as a worthy cause and it paid off. First thing that went was the desire to get back together (yes, human nature is so weird, he treated me like dirt and I still ached for him back for a long time). I now would not touch him if he was the last person on earth. I became genuinely happy and not faking it. Weeks go by when he doesn't enter my mind. I still feel pangs of anger towards him and also towards me for utting up with all that he put me through, but I do not allow myself to think of him that way and to think about how unbelievably happy we were (at least I thought so) for five years, all that we went through, our baby that died etc. I feel that I am ready to actually forget. The past several months he usually doesn't even feature in my thoughts and I am very happy about it.

 

BUT, he happens to owe me money. A lot of money. Not the kind of money one chuckles and accepts the loss as a lesson learned. He has of course promised to pay me back even after the breakup and there are papers certifying the debt. But honestly, I do not believe him. I also know that even though he signed a paper it is very unlikely for me to ever see that money again and he sure as hell is not going to volunteer it unless I challenge him about it. But it pisses me off as a matter of principle. If I don't ask I will definitely not get a penny. But asking involves speaking with him (he will ignore a mail or message of that sort for sure) and I really do not want to. But every now and again, the matter comes into my head (especially since I know a lot of good things that can be accomplished even with half that money) and it prevents me from moving on. It creates the illusion of "unfinished business" and I hate it. Taking him to court would of course be an option but with no work and with nothing in his name (officially) it will require way too much time and energy for a doubtful outcome. I just want to close the case completely. To leave no pending thing.

 

I was planning to wait until September and not to think about it until then (this would be 2 years since he borrowed the sum) but maybe it is worse the longer I leave it ? I am really not comfortable speaking with him about anything at all and I am scared if I do I will be back to square one but as I said no one is that generous to just give away that much money without at least making an effort to get it back (or part of it). The worst thing is that every time I think about this money all the anger comes back to me and all I can think about was how he used me on top of everything which means I have to think about him again and all I want to do is forget he ever existed (something that can actually work. I normally don't think about him). What would you do? I would really appreciate sober advise.

 

PS to admins, this is not a double account. I lost access of my other e mail months ago so I had to make a new one.

[agent1607307371]

If he won't talk to you, and you can't chalk it up as a loss, then court is really your only option.

[mustlovedogs]

Small claims court. Go to your local courthouse, pay the filing fee, and someone else will serve him papers. No contact needed.

[Fran2]

Thank you, both of you. I know the legal avenues but it is complicated since he moved to a different country after the break and it will be a lenghty process so it makes sense to first try and see if I can get him to agree with some sort of a settlement before initiating court proceedures, which I am not ruling out. Also, he does not refuse to talk to me if I so choose so. I am the one who went NC completely. I just cringe at the thought of speaking with him but the longer I leave it the worse it will be right? I guess I am asking how can I break NC in that case without really breaking it (I don't want to leave the door open for ANY communication between us in the future) I am NOT ready to face him but know I kind of must. I just don't know how to do it and it is bugging me so much.

[kbbcoop77]

Financial ties should have been addressed before NC but that's neither here nor there. If he's in another country your only option is to contact himand ask about it and then if he doesn't pay you're going to have to let it go

[musicman777]

Financial ties should have been addressed before NC but that's neither here nor there. If he's in another country your only option is to contact himand ask about it and then if he doesn't pay you're going to have to let it go

 

Yeah, this. If he were in the same country it would be different. I wouldn't hold back on taking legal action against him if the amount of money is that much. On the other hand, if he's out of the country, you are going to have to bow to his whim unfortunately. Let this be a lesson learned for the future.

[boltnrun]

Have an attorney draft a letter asking for repayment. If he does not respond to the letter, then have the attorney proceed with a court case.

[Fran2]

Thanks for the answers. I really appreciate your input. I am an attorney. I know exactly how to go after him. I probably will too. I just wanted to avoid the entire saga, but he has not suggested an amicable solution and the break up was bad enough for us to get down and solve financial issues before severing ties. At the moment, NC was best. It is also best right now which is why I made the post, I really do not want to talk to him. I am thinking of having a colleague lawyer deal with it instead. But perhaps I can be strong enough to give him one chance to solve this without me initiating action.

PS He has nothing. I am likely to get nothing but I can screw him over (he'll get a job eventually) and I am very tempted to, which makes me feel like a bad person.

Thank you for the answers, I am just frustrated because I do not wish to speak with him and I keep putting it off but I know I should and it sucks cause I want him out of my life for good (but as I said, the money is too much to just bow and put it to experience)

[mustlovedogs]

Yes, I agree; I think it would be taken more... Seriously, perhaps? if an attorney who wasn't you sent the letter. Good luck!