I can't get past the comments...

[filmraven]

I feel sick right now. It's been exactly one week since my boyfriend broke up with me and suprisingly what's bothering me the most is the way relatives are responding to it.

 

The most common I've received is, "But he seemed like such a nice guy..." and it feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart every time someone says it. Perhaps because it feels like they are siding with him and not me. More like a, "so what did you do wrong then??" instead of supporting me. Granted they saw a very different person from the one that I saw but I really don't know how to deal with that comment everytime it comes along.

 

He said REALLY hurtful stuff to me, didn't treat me right and I know this is all true yet when I hear that comment from anyone it just makes me move backwards and deeper into my upset.

 

What do I do?

[dreynolds]

What do you do? Realize you're better off without a guy who doesn't treat you right!!!! Isn't that the bottom line???

 

Yes - you'll hurt - for a while...it's only been a week. Theres nothing much worse than that gut wrenching feeling when someone no longer desires being with you! THing is - it happens to us all.....EVERY SINGLE INDIVIDUAL who's actually brave enough to let their heart go!

 

As for your family/relatives - what do they know?!? They don't know EVERYTHING. Did you go run to your family and tell them about the hot/steamy phone conversation you had with him...no...that's none of their business...they don't need to know 'THAT stuff. They just know him as the guy you brought home - the guy they met! You know the rest...the whole story - what you think is what matters!

 

It will take time...and it is good to just jump into bed, grab a teddy bear or pillow and squeeze and cry as hard as you can.....but after a few minutes of that....take a deep breath and remember...you deserve so much better...so much more....time to force yourself to get out there and find him...in time....

[nosoul]

i went through the same thing when my boyfriend dumped almost a month ago but all i had to do was ignore it you know the truth and who needs sumone that doesnt treat you like the princness you are right?thats how i see it and if you want anyone to talk to im here!!! good luck!! and just remember you didnt do anything wrong no matter what they see!!

[annie24]

yeah! I agree with dreynolds - they didn't really know him, so they can't judge. I remember your original post, and he sounded like a real jerk with those comments he made to you. Just tell your family that "things weren't as they seemed." I hope you meet someone better in your future! You deserve it!

[arwen]

You would expect different from the people who are close to you! I would try to communicate that as well. If someone says this again, maybe ask them back 'So, if he hurts me, he is good for me and it's because I did something wrong?' or 'Not all that shimmers is gold' (ugh, sorry I am no native speaker, but isn't that what you say?)

 

Or you can just say that you feel that comments like this are really NOT helping you, so if they know nothing better to say, they should just say nothing?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[DN]

why did he break up with you and how do you feel about that?

[Celadon]

Filmraven -- I know what you mean!!!

 

The same thing happened with my ex. Everyone else saw the happy, funny guy, while I got the "other" stuff. Yes, as dreynolds says - you're better off without him, and someday, you'll be sooo thankful you didn't end up with him permanently.

 

I think it's fine to say something short, but pointed, in response. "I was really hopeful about him, but there was more to him than met the eye. So I'm sad, but it's for the best."

 

People can be really stupid sometimes. In your case, your relatives want to believe the best about him. But the result is that they're being insensitive to you.

 

My own "worst" experience was with this woman who barely even knew me. We were at a party and she found out I'd dated my ex, whom her husband knew a little, and then without a beat asked why we broke up. (That's rudeness #1.) I gave some vague answer because she took me by surprise, and then SHE said, "Oh, but he's SUCH a GREAT guy!!!"

 

She's forever on my blacklist. That kind of stupidity on her part just can't be explained. She never saw the temper tantrums he threw, and to act like she knew him better than I did was a pure Barbie moment.

 

Filmraven, hang in there. Vent to your close friends, but let everyone else and their opinions just roll off your back. You're better than that!

[DN]

IThe most common I've received is, "But he seemed like such a nice guy..." and it feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart ?

 

Another way to look at that is that they are actually sympathising with you because they realsie he must have been different to what they thought. So they feel sorry that what they thought was a good relationship was not.

 

It's better than "well, we all knew you'd eventually see he was such a jerk, what took you so long, you musta been real dumb not to see it when we did."

[annie24]

Yeah, I guess for every one of my male friends or co-workers I think seems like a great guy, I'm sure he has some ex-gfs that would strongly disagree. And for every great girl, I'm sure that she has some ex-bfs that may not think she's a great person either. Don't be too hurt by it. That woman just said some really stupid stuff - she seems very socially inept. Obviously, you knew him a lot better than she did - she's an acquaintance, at most. It's hard to have a really negative impression of someone if you've only talked to him for 4 minutes.

[MetallicAguy]

Ignore your relatives, they don't help. It lets off the stress from this anyway if you ignore them. And tell your relatives he didn't treat you right, and everything. Tell them that "Looks can be deceiving". It also lets off the stress if you talk to someone you trust or God. Well hope you get over this jerk. And they aren't siding with him they just don't know anything about the relationship.

[sisterlynch]

I would distance myself from those people and allow yourself to heal for a while. You can't expect to get better if they keep on reminding you of your own hardships...it is a kind of aggression that they are playing on your emotions. You will need to talk things out with them.

 

Tell them that they are judging the situation from an outside position, and that they will never understand what he really did to hurt you.

[Celadon]

Don't be too hurt by it. That woman just said some really stupid stuff - she seems very socially inept. Obviously, you knew him a lot better than she did - she's an acquaintance, at most. It's hard to have a really negative impression of someone if you've only talked to him for 4 minutes.

 

Thanks Annie. You're right, and I really needed to hear that!

[annie24]

Don't be too hurt by it. That woman just said some really stupid stuff - she seems very socially inept. Obviously, you knew him a lot better than she did - she's an acquaintance, at most. It's hard to have a really negative impression of someone if you've only talked to him for 4 minutes.

 

Thanks Annie. You're right, and I really needed to hear that!

 

he he ... no problem!

[filmraven]

Thanks for the encourgement you guys...appreciated as always. Break up's just suck BIG TIME, but I understand that this too shall pass and that time will only heal my wounds. I realize that it does not matter what others think of my ex since they truly didn't know him the way I did and for that matter didn't see him in the same light as I did either.

 

I agree that their comments are insensitive and inappropriate and I guess I have to realize that that's the unfortunate world we live in. Thanks again.