misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 My LDR ex broke up with me around end of Jan, and after his 'It's not you it's me', 'I don't see a future with you but you're amazing and I know you'd be a great life partner' talk, I initiated NC right away even though I was heartbroken and devastated. I just don't stay friends with my exes, period. Regardless, 11 days later he initiated contact by text, and I politely replied that I was traveling and pretty much left it at that. Had a brief text session a few days later. It wasn't until 10 days later that we started to be in contact every few days mainly through text, and he called me a few times. He never said anything about getting back together, but he didn't say let's just stay friends either. So now, there are certain behaviors I find very confusing and would very much like some opinions on whether they are just breadcrumbs or more, because if he just wanna be friends, I'd rather cut contact and move on as I can't pretend I don't love him much more than friends: I always take my sweet time replying his texts, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes, but he would always reply immediately, which never really happened when we were together. He would also keep asking questions to keep the conversation going. He keeps flirting heavily with me, complimenting me and often brings up our good happy memories together (he isn't a flirty guy by nature). He made sure to tell me indirectly that he's not dating anyone. He called me a few times out of the blue during our text sessions, and we would talk about our recent lives, memories etc., We would joke, we would laugh, and we always ended up talking longer than we did most of the time when we were still together. He seemed genuinely happy and excited texting / talking to me every single time. Whenever I mentioned I was traveling/watching movies etc., he would always ask if someone else was with me or was I alone. I accidentally called him once late at night, hang up immediately before it rang, but I guess there was a missed call notification and when he woke up, he immediately texted me and asked if I was ok I can't list everything here, but you get the general idea. Then most recently, he said he'd love to go to Bali and Japan with me and teach me surfing, but when I jokingly said let's start planning then (obviously I was testing the waters), he just answered with a 'Sigh'. But then when I said "It's ok if you don't want to, I'll just make other plans *smiley wink*", he asked "Why do you say things like this?". I basically told him I thought it'd be fun and amazing to go together but since he gave me a sigh, I assumed he didn't wanna go but that doesn't mean I'd stop myself from having a good time. And he just answered with an "Alright". Hours later I asked him why the ambiguous sigh (he could have said it's not a good idea, he doesn't want to etc., right?), he ignored my question and just started talking about another great memory of us together... After that, I basically went on NC. As we live in different countries, I'm sure he's not looking for FWB. What I wanna know is, am I over-analyzing his behavior? Are they breadcrumbs, is he testing the waters and see if I'm still around, or does it feel like he wants me back? Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 It's not like either he wants to be with you in a committed relationship, or he wants to be FWB. There are a lot of other grey areas. What matters, and you need to be clear on before you get hurt again, is that he's still very clearly NOT your boyfriend, and he is not asking to be. His ambiguous 'sigh' and zero plans to see you (which would be item #1 if you guys were on your way back together and he were interested in reconciling from long distance) indicate that he's definitely not trying to make that happen. He's straightforward enough to talk to you, to flirt with you because he misses you, to call you etc etc.... so if he wanted to see you and make something happen, he would be. He's not. Analyzing his behaviors is not going to help you. Listen to what he has said, and what he is not saying. You also pushed on him to explain what he wanted with his 'sigh' text, and he didn't respond - THAT is your biggest red flag here. Many guys will miss someone they broke up with, but not have an intention of getting back together. He may even willingly see you if you are ever nearby again, but STILL not want to get back together with you. He told you he doesn't see a future with you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you. So, he misses you, he is done with you, but he wants the comfort of contact and attention while he gets over you and finds someone he WILL see a future with. You may or may not be okay with that scenario, but one way or another you need to stop hoping for anything more than what he is giving you. And btw, the fact that he didn't treat you with as much interest/ attention while you were 'officially' together should not be any kind of indicator of him being a boyfriend to you. If anything it just shows he's more comfortable being your ex and not committed than he ever was being an actual partner to you. Link to comment
DoF Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 He wants all the benefits of the relationship without any commitment. Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Have you two ever met in person? I think this is important to know before giving my opinion on your situation. Link to comment
misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Have you two ever met in person? I think this is important to know before giving my opinion on your situation. We met when he was in my area for a work project, dated many times before he left for home. I also flew over to visit for around 2 weeks, and we were actually planning for another visit before the break up happened... Link to comment
misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 He wants all the benefits of the relationship without any commitment. Why not just tell me directly then that he just want to be friends or doesn't want to be back together, when my intentions are not that subtle? And I thought guys hate when things get complicated, why keep coming back for more? He's always been a straightforward person and a good, decent guy... Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Why not just tell me directly then that he just want to be friends or doesn't want to be back together, when my intentions are not that subtle? And I thought guys hate when things get complicated, why keep coming back for more? He's always been a straightforward person and a good, decent guy... It's not complicated for HIM at all - he already told you he doesn't see a future with you and doesn't want to be with you, so as far as he is concerned if you engage in this phase of things with him, you're fully aware of what he can't do and he doesn't have any responsibility to treat you in particular way. The reason he won't tell you that directly is pretty simple: He knows you want a commitment. So if he makes clear he still doesn't want a commitment, then you may disappear on him and he loses the perk of having you to fulfill his ego/ attention needs in the meantime while he transitions out of this relationship. It is much easier than having to deal with you not talkng to him anymore, trust me. The couple of times this has happened in my life, the guy was just trying to fill the void before he found his next girlfriend. It hurt me like crazy when I realized that, and that is a big reason we all go No Contact with a man who has made it clear he doesn't want to be with us. (Or vice versa, since women do what this guy is doing too). I've also been in his shoes where I knew I didn't want to be with someone, and probably wasn't as into him as he was me, but I still had feelings there and didn't like being alone and without his attention. Therefore, I would still try to talk to him and be involved, but never once had the intention of taking it further. I won't do that again, but I remember how that felt and imagine it was similar to what this guy is doing with you. Sorry if that's hard to hear. In general, if someone tells you he can't/won't be with you, believe them no matter how much affection they throw your way. Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Also, I don't think he's looking for JUST FRIENDS of FWB, or any other label. I think he just wants to maintain contact and have you there for his enjoyment without any intention of eventually committing at all. Link to comment
Clinton Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 This is not and will never be a committed relationship. At best you're booty call and a person to talk to when he's bored. If that's good enough for you fine. If not cut him off because this won't go anywhere Link to comment
DoF Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Why not just tell me directly then that he just want to be friends or doesn't want to be back together, when my intentions are not that subtle? And I thought guys hate when things get complicated, why keep coming back for more? He's always been a straightforward person and a good, decent guy... You are imagining things........your words are a fantasy. Learn to recognize and ACCEPT the person based on their action/words.......not based on your fantasy. This is actually quite normal with long distance relationships.....you don't know the person, don't see them etc. In time, truth comes out.....and the time is NOW. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 What do YOU want? This seems to be all about him. If you dont want this guy back, then you need to block and delete him everywhere. He's not in charge of your feelings, you are, and if this is too much for you, then you can solve it easily. Link to comment
misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 @leseine7 and @Clinton, I understand that, and I plan to stop all contact unless he actually tells me he wants to reconcile. I guess because I've had more than one ex coming back for me, I know getting back together does happen more often than people think, so I was hoping all this indicates maybe he's having doubts about the break up and thus trying to determine whether we should give it another shot... Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 You should come out and ask him, because speculating will not help. But I know that part of the fear of asking him is that he may say what he said before - he doesn't want a relationship. So if he does, that is your cue to really cut contact because it's going to become a cycle before you know it, and it will only be fun for him. Link to comment
misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 What do YOU want? This seems to be all about him. If you dont want this guy back, then you need to block and delete him everywhere. He's not in charge of your feelings, you are, and if this is too much for you, then you can solve it easily. I want him back. I do. That's why I'm wondering if he's just looking for friendship / security blanket, or is he having doubts about the break up and trying to see if we could/should reconcile. I obviously understand he might just want to be in contact for his ego, comfort, or whatever, but there are also times when people don't just jump out and ask for a second chance right off the bat after a break up. If it's the former, then I know I'd just stay away and stop all contact, as I can't be just friends... And @DoF, you said I'm imagining things and living in a fantasy land, but I didn't imagine what he said and did after the break up at all. I'm not lying to myself. I'm not young and have been in enough relationships, a few LDRs too in fact. And even though it was a LDR, I've met his friends at home, I've been to his work, we communicated everyday, and to be honest, you don't have to be next to a person to know a person, the many successful LDRs are a proof of that, but that's not the point. As far as I, and my friends, can tell, his actions/words so far after the breakup, taken at face value, are contradicting what he said during our break up. Yes if they are breadcrumbs, I will definitely walk away, but I'm not imagining them. Link to comment
misstinkerbell Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 You should come out and ask him, because speculating will not help. But I know that part of the fear of asking him is that he may say what he said before - he doesn't want a relationship. So if he does, that is your cue to really cut contact because it's going to become a cycle before you know it, and it will only be fun for him. I don't think I'll ask him directly, but if he continues with this behavior, then I will just tell him I can't do this and will cut all contact then. I have to admit it's not easy, because when we were together we became best friends, and when things happen, good or bad, he's still the first one I want to tell (not that I'm actually contacting him and telling him), but I also know that it's too much pain for me to be just friends. Maybe someday I can, but definitely not in the near future. Link to comment
LovelyDani87 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 My ex did the same thing for several months, whenever I tried to make plans she would change the subject or say "we'll see". Trust me, if he wanted to see you or work on things he would have mentioned it in some sort of way. It's strange how the ex's that are not that interested all unknowingly play the same games lol.. the game of "I'm just not that into you." Move forward, you're going to set yourself up for another broken heart. Link to comment
leseine7 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I don't think I'll ask him directly, but if he continues with this behavior, then I will just tell him I can't do this and will cut all contact then. I have to admit it's not easy, because when we were together we became best friends, and when things happen, good or bad, he's still the first one I want to tell (not that I'm actually contacting him and telling him), but I also know that it's too much pain for me to be just friends. Maybe someday I can, but definitely not in the near future. I think if you're not ready to face the truth, and hoping he has magically changed his mind, you are setting yourself up for a lot more hurt. It would be better for you to know his intentions directly from him than from a forum of strangers who are going to tell you the hard things to hear as well. He hasn't given any indication he wants to be with you again, judging by what you said. You clearly really want to be with him - and he has already dumped you. Are you really willing to put yourself through all this? The only way to know where you stand is to ask him, and not live in denial for an extended period of time reading into his actions and words. Link to comment
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