Meeting right guy at wrong time.

[leseine7]

This feels a bit juvenile to post, honestly, but it is on my mind so much right now that I need to dump it somewhere and make sense of it.

 

A little over a month ago I broke up with my Long Distance boyfriend (who will be 30 this year). I am 31. We were doing very well, had one of the most loving relationships of my life, but I am at a point in my life where I want to know it has a future, and he freaked out about if he ever wants kids (I really want kids one day, and he and I had previously talked at length about wanting them together). He was suffering at his job and struggling with a fight with his family, and realized he just doesn't know if he can ever be 100% the kind of father he would want to be. After we went back and forth for a few days, I finally ended it, a decision he expressed a lot of heartbreak over. We've talked a lot since then and he's been expressing things to me that now completely contradict what he said when I was about to break up with him. He wants to see me when I am back in the states next month (I haven't seen him in three months, another reason for our troubles). Now he says he wants future plans with me. Now that I ended things believing the opposite....

 

In the meantime, I decided to make myself very busy, set up several concerts here in Europe (I am a musician), started spending lots of time with good friends and having little dinner parties, and in general I have felt a lot better about my life and myself. I've been going for long runs with these friends (we are all athletes), and feel more at home here than ever.

 

But, one of the friendships I've had is with a man here (36) who is ... pretty much nothing short of a great match for me. We get along very well, see things almost identically and he's never crossed a line once so it was easy to develop a trusting friendship with him. The last week or so, chemistry has built somewhat and just over the past few days he has admitted there are feelings on his side. He's straightforward, looking for a solid partner for him, and logically I do think I could be that.

 

Except for the obvious: This is the wrong time for me to date anyone, and I don't want to ruin a potentially great relationship by jumping in before I'm ready. I obviously cannot ask that he wait a certain number of months for me to be in the right head space to date. I definitely recognize that I have feelings for him, but I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm confused about what to do. Do I take a chance and go on a real date with him (something he has expressed wanting)? Or do I tell him I'm not in a good place for that, risking him thinking I'm 'just not that into him,' and that my recent break up is just an excuse?

 

Anyway, I'm not concerned that he and I won't still be friends in the long run, but I'm torn between really wanting to give it a shot and knowing it's just not a good time to do that.

[FlashEng1]

The beautiful part about your story, Leseine, is that you seem to be in tune with your emotions and heart, as well as able to think clearly with your head, even through troubled times..

 

Only you know when you're ready.. Personally, I see nothing wrong with accepting a date, and seeing where things lead. Your past relationship, you knew what you wanted, and when the time came for you to realize he wasn't right for you, and why, you left. Feelings may always come and go for the ex, as I'm sure you cared about him and wanted more with him, but only you truly know if you can move on or not. Personally, i wouldn't put much thought or weight into a LDR that you hardly saw one another in for so long anyway.

 

So again, though I see no harm in entertaining a lunch or dinner date, only you know if you're truly ready to move on or not.

[leseine7]

Thank you for such a thoughtful, comforting reply. For whatever reason, I have been feeling very 'guilty' for having feelings like this already, which may weigh into the whole 'not being ready' thing. I tend to worry a lot about what COULD happen (especially negatives), rather than just waiting and seeing the way I know I need to. Your advice is wonderful, and I really appreciate it. Thank you.

[Sportster2005]

The big advantage you have in this situation is you are going in eyes wide open. You know the potential risks and the potential benefits. You're pausing and being careful. You don't strike me as inexperienced or irresponsible.

 

I agree with FlashEng. You should be fine accepting a date. Try not to rush or get too caught up in emotion. We tend to be a little erratic after breakups and are prone to emotional roller coaster rides. Slow and casual for now. I think the potential big error to make would be to jump in head first right now. You can mitigate most of the risk by maintaining open communication and taking your time.

 

Good luck.

[leseine7]

Again, very good advice, thank you Sportster.

[DoF]

Nothing is 100% or perfect. Can you blame him for not knowing? Is there even a person on this planet that really knows what kind of a father they will be?

 

My advice:

You just broke up a month ago. That is NOT enough time to heal/recover after long term relationship. Sorry.

 

To make things worse, you continue to engage with your ex, which means you have not even started the healing process/recovery.

 

And now you want to complicate things further with getting involved with another male?

 

Let me ask you, would you date a man that is 1 month out of a relationship and still engaging with their ex?

 

If the answer is yes than I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for a complete failure.

 

I'm sorry

 

At least 3-6 months to heal and recover. No contact with Ex (ever again) and no contact with opposite sex during this time is my advice.

[John John]

You never know when you'll meet the right person, but meeting the right person at the wrong time sucks. You can't really force things. I'm also a big advocate of only going into something if you're in the right frame of mind.

 

HOWEVER - you sound very mature, wise and experienced. And you're clearly going in with you eyes wide open, and you're being cautious. I'm wondering if maybe you could accept the first date, see how that goes, and then if you guys want to keep dating, express that you'd like to take things slowly.

 

Opportunity favors the prepared mind!

[leseine7]

Nothing is 100% or perfect. Can you blame him for not knowing? Is there even a person on this planet that really knows what kind of a father they will be?

 

My advice:

You just broke up a month ago. That is NOT enough time to heal/recover after long term relationship. Sorry.

 

To make things worse, you continue to engage with your ex, which means you have not even started the healing process/recovery.

 

And now you want to complicate things further with getting involved with another male?

 

Let me ask you, would you date a man that is 1 month out of a relationship and still engaging with their ex?

 

If the answer is yes than I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for a complete failure.

 

I'm sorry

 

At least 3-6 months to heal and recover. No contact with Ex (ever again) and no contact with opposite sex during this time is my advice.

 

Um no.. I do not want to complicate things further by getting involved with another male, that is my whole point.

 

The guy in question is one of my close friends here,and part of a group I regularly work out with.

 

You're definitely over-dramatizing what I said, but I understand your advice. I also said exactly what you said in your post to me, so would appreciate not being attacked. It may just be the way you're wording things, but it seems like you're responding without fully reading what I posted and with a lot of harsh judgments that don't apply to this situation.

 

For instance: My contact with my ex is because it is a unique situation, but I don't really want to get into that in this thread, since I've posted about it elsewhere. And most importantly in response to your post, I wasn't asking him to be 100% perfect or know what he wants for his future all the time - I'm not sure where you're even getting that? I broke up with my ex because he said he can't be committed to the extent I am ready and looking for right now, as well as not knowing if he wants the same things for his future. But he is not a bad person, and it was a very difficult decision to make. But no, my reasons for breaking it off were not just because he doesn't know if he wants to be a father (not that he'll be a GOOD father - that he wants TO BE ONE, period, which is a very big deal to me as I said).

 

Anyway, thanks, yes as I was saying I already know this isn't the time for me to date and I have no intention of diving into something before I am ready. Please read all threads before attacking without all the info or don't post.

[leseine7]

You never know when you'll meet the right person, but meeting the right person at the wrong time sucks. You can't really force things. I'm also a big advocate of only going into something if you're in the right frame of mind.

 

HOWEVER - you sound very mature, wise and experienced. And you're clearly going in with you eyes wide open, and you're being cautious. I'm wondering if maybe you could accept the first date, see how that goes, and then if you guys want to keep dating, express that you'd like to take things slowly.

 

Opportunity favors the prepared mind!

 

Thanks for this - he's also regularly in my circle of friends, so I wonder if it will help me in the coming months to just spend some time with him in that setting and not go out on a pressure-filled DATE anytime soon, since I do want to be fully ready for that (and agree all around that I'm obviously not yet). It's just the very first time I've been able to really see a solid prospect in someone other than my ex, and I'm trying to be careful with the feelings involved - mine as well as my friends'.

[overthemoon86]

OP, only you can determine when you are ready for your next relationship. You're definitely right that timing does play a role, but you need to decide for yourself what you can handle. It sounds like your previous relationship was going to end anyway, you hadn't seen him in awhile and you have conflicting views about the future. It appears to me that you had already mentally moved on from the relationship when you were feeling it wasn't right.

 

I feel it is always easy to date people you have frequent interaction with, like this man you have developed a friendship with. In my opinion, there is no harm in continuing to develop that friendship to see where it leads and see if you have similar interests, views, ect. But that is entirely up to you.

[hyden]

Um no.. I do not want to complicate things further by getting involved with another male, that is my whole point.

 

The guy in question is one of my close friends here,and part of a group I regularly work out with.

 

You're definitely over-dramatizing what I said, but I understand your advice. I also said exactly what you said in your post to me, so would appreciate not being attacked. It may just be the way you're wording things, but it seems like you're responding without fully reading what I posted and with a lot of harsh judgments that don't apply to this situation.

 

For instance: My contact with my ex is because it is a unique situation, but I don't really want to get into that in this thread, since I've posted about it elsewhere. And most importantly in response to your post, I wasn't asking him to be 100% perfect or know what he wants for his future all the time - I'm not sure where you're even getting that? I broke up with my ex because he said he can't be committed to the extent I am ready and looking for right now, as well as not knowing if he wants the same things for his future. But he is not a bad person, and it was a very difficult decision to make. But no, my reasons for breaking it off were not just because he doesn't know if he wants to be a father (not that he'll be a GOOD father - that he wants TO BE ONE, period, which is a very big deal to me as I said).

 

Anyway, thanks, yes as I was saying I already know this isn't the time for me to date and I have no intention of diving into something before I am ready. Please read all threads before attacking without all the info or don't post.

 

DOF cant help his 'one size fits all' responses. He should have them stored on a word doc so he can just copy and paste. As some of the other posters have stated, you are aware of the postion you are in and have a good sense of what you feel comfortable with. At the very least, I dont think it would hurt to let your interest be known with the caveat that you might need a little time. As someone else mentioned, since you already know the person, maybe a few casual dates to talk would help you gauge where you are and what you can handle.

[leseine7]

DOF cant help his 'one size fits all' responses. He should have them stored on a word doc so he can just copy and paste. As some of the other posters have stated, you are aware of the postion you are in and have a good sense of what you feel comfortable with. At the very least, I dont think it would hurt to let your interest be known with the caveat that you might need a little time. As someone else mentioned, since you already know the person, maybe a few casual dates to talk would help you gauge where you are and what you can handle.

 

Thank you for this laugh Hahaha

 

I tend to worry about hurting peoples' feelings romantically way too often. I know that it gets me nowhere in life, except for prolonging inevitable break ups and avoiding the 'tough conversations.' Luckily, as I get older it is getting a bit easier. For now, he is just talking to me about his feelings, being way more respectful about it than I've ever experienced with a guy before, and I plan to see him for his bday party on Sunday with the rest of our friends, so I'm sure we will talk there, even just a little.

 

I do want time, but I also know that I'm not going to mess with him and fully respect and understand if he meets someone more ready than I am in the meantime. That is life, right???

[RainyCoast]

I agree with everyone that you're very aware and not lacking insight. I would put that quality to a good use.

 

You have a good moral code- and your conundrum is legitimate. allowing this to escalate and then deciding you didn't want another relationship, then leaving him feeling led on or disappointed at least would shake it. it could tell you you've jumped in as soon as the reliability that you've lost in your ex was, at least seemingly offered because you haven't progressed from "i need to rely" to "i can rely on myself" and then onto "one can rely on me". i think what bothers you is that this could widen the gap between who you were at that point and who you need to be to really really like yourself. but i also i think if at some point you two talk about your expectations (preferably, agree to not have them), the info could help you gauge your behavior with him so as to avoid the guilt of temporarily receding into your smaller self.

 

Keep your eyes open at what you want, it seems like he's showing you what it is. You can control how much you reciprocate to not delve into "a promise of more" territory. If it's the priviledge of being able to rely on him- treat him as reliable. Continue to rely on yourself. Be the reliable person for him. Same with trustworthyness, honesty, warmth, kindness. You can learn the dynamics you want with a partner with people of even zero romantic interest to you. You grow into the partner you want to be, into cocreating the dynamics you want in a relationship, in a way you're an aid to the other person to learn it- and whether you end up together or not, you'll at least know you totally got it for whoever that person is. If you make your current indecisiveness and "zero promise for romance but i find this bond meaningful" policy tenderly known, and if he is as mature as you are- then this has good stuff written all over it.

 

And if stuff gets so hot you find yourself worried about breaking your ethics and course of break-up recovery...take a step back...breathe in... and think of ebola.

Well, for now at least.

 

It might be wise to retain the thought that what you are struggling with is not so much the gap between the end of the last relationship and the beginning of a new one, nor really between where you are at this point and where this new guy is....it is the gap between how you see yourself and how you want to be able to see yourself to be fully confident, and to believe you are deserving and ready for the big thing. Your superego is fair, empathic and responsible and has the emotional autonomy to not barter those qualities out of the need for a reliable other --and you're scared of not filling it's shoes.

you could decide filling that shoesize is a priority for now. you could also decide to leave that for later- but then, whatever the outcome of that, you also need to decide to forgive yourself and not feel like a criminal because at times the emotional craving outweighed reason. you're human, not a law book.

 

i struggle with a sort of "addiction to ethics". i find it easiest to live by putting every move through a three step filtre of 1.sincerity of motive, 2.honesty of method and 3.no over-attachment to the results of it.

 

good luck with everything, i hope you update us!

[leseine7]

@RainyCoast, I wanted to quote parts of what you wrote, but found that I was basically just quoting your entire entry to me here. Wow, I do not think I've ever heard such incredible insight - certainly not on this forum, and definitely not lately. I've been keeping most of my thoughts to myself while trying to think this through, and you absolutely pulled out my major issues and listed them out here.

 

YES, this is 100% an ethics question. You are so completely right!!! I can handle being single, leaving an unhealthy relationship to be on my own, and I can certainly handle a good solid relationship, but none of that is the point. There is temptation of course (I'm attracted, he's wonderful, I had no clue the kind of man I had befriended before all of this unfolded, etc.) but it's way more than that: I DO feel like it has to do with reliability in oneself completely.

 

I feel that I've grown a lot in the past few years, and make decisions I am proud of, so whenever feelings get involved or there is any kind of physical temptation, I do tend to get nervous. Things can happen on impulse so quickly, but I've always been good at compartmentalizing that. In many ways, I'm more comfortable with the idea that both of these men move on from me right now rather than wait for me to figure out which step is 'right', since that could probably take months.

 

Your advice here: "And if stuff gets so hot you find yourself worried about breaking your ethics and course of break-up recovery...take a step back...breathe in... and think of ebola.

Well, for now at least."

 

....absolutely brilliant, and I am typing that into the notes app in my phone as we speak.

 

Thank you for reminding me about looking inward, waiting, breathing, and acting from a place of mindfulness/sincerity above all else. This is what I needed to hear.

 

I will keep posted for sure, and thank you SO much for your insane wisdom.

[RainyCoast]

so whenever feelings get involved or there is any kind of physical temptation, I do tend to get nervous.

i do too, with me it's either

a)i'm so embarrassed i want to disappear into the gutter- which points to "i'm undeserving and have trouble accepting someone would actually reach for me out of their own volition" so periodically testing the validity of that statement of a self-worth so low no one could possibly want me, and replacing the thought with more realistic proofs of my worth is kind of a regular self-esteem building activity for me that helps. it also HUGELY helps to remember you're not the only vulnerable one. unless the other is a dominant predator type (which, with your brain, you would've spotted by now) they're also looking to bond, which makes them equally vulnerable and gives you the uplifting and self-building opportunity to inwardly go "yeah, i have luvs to offer, yeah, i'm a safe harbor, i may not end up in bed with you but i'm honest about that, i'm a trustworthy, comforting person and i build people up, it's safe for you to reach out". it's a lot easier to allow for and reciprocate bonding this way. you can also read up on body language (or use your instinctual knowledge of it) to keep physical bonding warm and comforting but not misleading. reciprocating touch with "safe" touches is a good option until you decide where you want things to go, so you can shortly touch the shoulder or upper middle back without it screaming eff me to most people. it usually comes off as an act of encouragement. once you're able to pull it off and see a good and safe reaction, it gets a lot easier. ebola will still come handy though lol. or, if it feels really good, the suffering of jesus.

or b)emotionally, i crave stuff- but i can't commit to anything so i don't want to be a s... which is countered by somehow making the lack of promises clearly known, but also making the wish for a continued bond known. then you also need to examine with scrutiny whether he is truly accepting of the fact that you may not end up together. usually, a guy will linger, play, and hope that with enough time, you'll decide he is it regardless of what you said about no promises. then you need to be doubly responsible with the bonding, because he won't entirely be so. keep your intentions honest and your method fair and then however he takes it, you won't feel guilty.

sometimes, avoiding bonding is also a disbelief that others will ever really be there for you. it's a version of "i tell myself that i don't need anyone-- because i believe noone will really be there for me". sometimes independence boarders on counterdependence. so learning to trust- and to trust a trustworthy person, not foolishly relying on just anyone is a huge step for one who has been highly self-sufficient out of sheer necessity in the past. it's hard to handle the thought that wow, this one is really there for me. handle it in small doses, like when he's on time for a lunch break, encouraging when you do something really well etc...and every now and then point it out casually that you appreciate him being like that. if you've always been everything for yourself, it almost feels like you're being undeservedly spoiled when someone takes off the slightest atom of the burden so accepting it openly and in a relaxed manner comes gradually.

 

 

gosh sometimes i want to amputate the inner moralizer...but then, i've come to believe silly things about myself when i allowed others to be the source of what i really believed i needed to develop and that image took time to repaint. i'm only just learning one can balance the inner and external sources. it's harder to do when you're post-break up...but it's also when you're most aware of what you're hungry for. you've the insight and honour to continue being there for you before you become dependant on another- if you decide to walk the tightrope, do it confidently, wisely and elegantly and remember we're cheering you on!