Am I ungrateful and inconsiderate?

[JaceyLo]

A short time ago a friend of mine had a surprise birthday party for me. It was a kind gesture and she really did a great job at surprising me! I had a blast with family and friends that night. I thanked her numerous times and gave her much praise in front of everyone for the party. My boyfriend and I spent the night there as we have done in the past....... there are no taxis where I live and its about a 30 min drive to my house. The next day, we got up to go to community breakfast as my nephew was visiting and I wanted to see him before he had to return home. I invited my friend and her husband to come but he said no, that his wife was still sleeping. I told him to tell her I would msg her in the afternoon. Long story short, she was upset that I left that morning and that I wasn't appreciative of the effort, time and money she spent. She also said her and her husband felt used when we both just got up and left as she put it. In addition to that, she was upset that my boyfriends birthday gift to me was a weekend away that included an excursion that she wanted to do for her birthday with us.

After I left, she msgd me and said, "you left?Lol".... I knew by that msg she was upset so I called her to explain that I wanted to see my nephew before he went home... I only see him 3 or 4 times a year and that if she wanted to come up later that day to hike she was more than welcome to. From there forward her demeanor towards me changed. It started with his gift to me and then leaving that next mornng set her right off... so I hoped that she would come around. I continued to msg and chat with her like I normally would but her responses to me were quick and snarky. This week she finally came forward and explained why she was frustrated with me. The reasons I listed above and in addition to that the following day was when my boyfriend had the excursions booked so I was gone for a couple days with him which she was also upset about as the week before my birthday him and I were sorting through a miscommunication we had and I guess she thought that I should be spending less time with him. Just as a side note... she introduce me to my boyfriend and is mad at him as well for the same reasons she is upset with me.

 

I've only known her a couple months and I have seen glimpses of her controlling nature with her husband but i was never subjected to it. I am in my thirties and in my opinion her behavior towards me is immature and child like. I am embarassed even writing to ask for an opinion on how I should move forward. We have spoken about it and I have told her that I am sorry she feels that way about me and that I was sorry if my actions made them feel that way but it was never my intention to make her feel used and that I was very very appreciative of her hosting the party. As for the present form the BF, what was I supposed to do. It was a gift... I couldnt very well say no, I'm sorry you didn't invite our friends so we're not going???

 

I don't really know how to move forward. We used to talk everyday but now I don't know what to say to her. And at this point I don't want to be around her. Am I totally off in saying that she is acting like a child???

[Snny]

Long story short, she was upset that I left that morning and that I wasn't appreciative of the effort, time and money she spent. She also said her and her husband felt used when we both just got up and left as she put it. In addition to that, she was upset that my boyfriends birthday gift to me was a weekend away that included an excursion that she wanted to do for her birthday with us.

Um... the party ended. She needs to chill out.

 

After I left, she msgd me and said, "you left?Lol"

And she goes passive aggressive on you... over what? Seriously, chill out.

 

so I called her to explain that I wanted to see my nephew before he went home... I only see him 3 or 4 times a year and that if she wanted to come up later that day to hike she was more than welcome to. From there forward her demeanor towards me changed.

You didn't have to explain anything to her. She's an awful friend if she is guilting you over... leaving after a party was over?

 

The reasons I listed above and in addition to that the following day was when my boyfriend had the excursions booked so I was gone for a couple days with him which she was also upset about as the week before my birthday him and I were sorting through a miscommunication we had and I guess she thought that I should be spending less time with him. Just as a side note... she introduce me to my boyfriend and is mad at him as well for the same reasons she is upset with me.

Sounds like a great friend! She needs to get over herself and grow up.

 

I've only known her a couple months and I have seen glimpses of her controlling nature with her husband but i was never subjected to it.

So she isn't a close friend. Yea, I'd end this friendship if I were you. She's a drama queen.

 

We have spoken about it and I have told her that I am sorry she feels that way about me and that I was sorry if my actions made them feel that way but it was never my intention to make her feel used

You had nothing to apologize for. You thanked her plenty. She's the one who is out of line and melodramatic.

[melancholy123]

If you were as thankful to her for the party as you say you were then you have done your job in being a grateful recipient of her generosity. She does sound like a control freak and as such maybe she's not the great friend you thought she was. You appear to have done your best apologizing to her and being thankful for the party, so let it go. She may come around and quit being so PO'd about it, or maybe she won't. If I was you I'd stop communicating with her for a while and see what happens.

[Hollyj]

You barely know this woman, it will not be a great loss to lose her as a friend.

 

Be thankful she showed you who she was, early on.

[AriesMoonlight]

I've only known her a couple months and I have seen glimpses of her controlling nature with her husband but i was never subjected to it.

 

This is a big red flag to me. It sounds like she's an emotional manipulator. She might not even know she's doing it. But she's only known you a few months and is already throwing you a huge surprise party? She wants you to be indebted to her so she can control you. Likely it's the only way she knows how to get attention from others. You didn't make a plan to have breakfast with her in the morning and then break it suddenly without telling her, right? It sounds like she set up some imaginary boundary and you crossed it, unknowingly. So she feels justified in punishing you and you can't protest because she threw a lavish party for you. You didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like she's manipulating you.

 

If you're interested, try looking up emotional manipulation and gift giving. It can be a tactic for some people.

[ThatwasThen]

She sounds inappropriate and a tad unhinged. Who, amongst us with good personal boundaries and filters in place would have a surprise party for someone we've only know a few months?

 

She's troubled and intrusive and petulant and controlling. I'd stop responding or initiating and I'd hope that your boyfriend would do the same.

[catfeeder]

I think you're aware that a gift is not a gift when there are strings attached.

 

A party is a grand gesture, and a bit much from someone you've only known a few months. Had it all gone well with zero drama from her, then you could call it an intense act by a new friend who recognizes a rare and special bond that she hopes to cultivate over the long haul. Instead, she's demo'd that it comes from a place that's needy and demanding.

 

The generous and healthy friends I've known over the years offer small acts of kindness designed to make people feel GOOD, not obligated.

 

On the other hand, there've been 2 women who I sensed were ingratiating, and it made me uncomfortable. Sure enough, in times of stress, these women came out sideways and complained about how generous they are to others without getting anything back in return, and this confirmed for me that I could 'feel' the difference between generosity versus an agenda.

 

This woman ran her agenda on you, and you didn't play whatever role she assigned to you in her mind. That's not a gift, it's a booby trap.

 

I'd pull back and stop trying to win this woman back into your life. She showed you what she's made of, and unless you want to spend your future jumping through invisible hoops to cater to some unknown and unreasonable expectations, you're best off cutting that cord.

 

Head high, and happy birthday.