My gf just ended our relationship and my heart is completely broken

[HeartBrokn]

I am older member and used to come here a lot after I went through a painful divorce back in 2009. I've been in three relationships up to now, two of them were very good. Loving, happy not to say without issues but nothing like the negatives I experienced in my 10 year marriage. This last one was 15 months. We just broke up earlier today. Here is the story and I will try to keep it short...

 

I met my perfect soul mate 15 months ago. This girl was smart, carrying, emotionally available and attractive. She was literally the best woman I've dated up to this point in my life and perfect for me. I am 36 yrs she was 25. We were absolutely in love and still are but what was lacking for her and ultimately lead to our break up was the lack of sex initiative from me. I left for a deployment back in September and am still away and scheduled to return home sometimes next month. It's been pretty tough on us, the separation, the heavy weight of dealing with being in a combat environment, to taking school to us trying to keep our bond strong and the relationship going while I was away. Prior to me leaving I had a very stressful downgrade from my Boss that really knocked the confidence away from me and in my line of job, it is absolutely imperative to be confident in your work not only for yourself but for shielding against the constant scrutiny from your peers. To say the least, it put me in a minor depression. This all happened before leaving for my deployment which was causing incredible amount of strain for me and my gf.

 

Some of the other contributing factors that she pointed out was my use of porn. I watch it maybe 2-3 per week and mostly on Tumblr. Not much of hard core video or anything like that, but mostly pictures. I would say its not excessive use of porn by any means. From the start of our relationship she identified that she did not like that I was looking at porn and although she never made that a go or no go item, it would always bother her more than I thought it would. One day after she left the house to get something from the store, I started to watch it on my laptop as I was sitting in front of the TV and she came back few minutes after departing and saw what I was doing and it made her really upset. I deliberately did it while she was gone to not make her upset, but that provoked a very strong feeling in her as to why I needed to look at porn while she was always there willing and able to have sex.

 

Long story short, while I've been apart things have been relatively pretty good. We text daily, we skype 2-3 per week and talk on the phone just as much. She has sent wonderful cards that trully expressed her love towards me. She has sent care packages to me and really showed her love in so many small ways. She has never in that whole time mentioned that she wants to break up. When I return from my deployment I am moving to another base to a different state and the plan was for her to move in with me. We discussed marriage and all of our future plans together. One of the things that kept poping up on a constant basis was my lack of sex drive and that she is having a tough time with it. She wanted almost a guarantee that it would be better after I came back, and although I could not promise that things would get better, I told her that more than likely after we settle down in our new place and the stress subsides things would be much better with me. She is having incredible high stress levels now. She recently, within last few months switched her professional goals to pursue Medical School so she has been not only finishing her very difficult Science degree but has also been hard at work studying for her MCAT. She was aiming to get accepted at this one Medical School that was located very close to my next duty station.

 

She had a car accident couple months ago and totaled her car, so I let her use my vehicle in mean time. But overall her stress levels were also very high. Another thing worth mentioning is that 3 of her close friends have broken up with their boyfriends within the last month and they have been hanging out together, and I made a joke few weeks back about her breaking up with me, and she laughed and said that she has no plans or intentions to break up with me. I asked her today after she told me if there is someone else and she claims there isn't. I many ways I believe her and she wrote me a text after our conversation saying that she still loves me and that I am the only man in her life that she cares about. She said she just couldn't be happy and for that she had to end it. She defriended me on FB and told me that she still wants me in her life but she just couldn't stand to see me in her newsfeeds because it would break her heart each and every time again if she did.

 

At this point I am incredibly heart broken. My whole world has been turned up side down and really at the worst time in my life. In the line of work I do, your mind has to be clear and distractions, even important ones that people deal with on a daily basis need to be compartmentalized or things get very complex and life or death decisions can be erroneously made. I am really not sure what to do. I really don't want to break up with her and I really don't want to promise her something I cannot deliver. I'd like to think my sex drive will improve after I go to a different squadron and perhaps have a better working environment. I expect that to happen since my job there will be less demanding and the hours would be more predictable, and that is something I definitely don't have now. Also, Since I've been in three long(er) relationships in my life, I am painfully aware that attraction over time subsides and things aren't always same as they were when a couple is first dating. I would hate to build her expectations to a high point and then not being able to attain them for her, and now she has uprooted her entire life for me and us to just feel unhappy and like she made a bad choice to go with me.

 

About a week ago we had a very heart to heart situation, and at that time I asked her if she still wanted to be with me. She told me that she loves me so much, that if I was to propose to her now she would say yes without a question. All this brings so much confusion and pain that I am really having a difficult time not only processing everything that is happening but also to see what the best course of action would be. I don't know if this is something she has thought over for months or something that was the boiling point for her and decided to end it more on a feeling, hunch that she is having at the moment from all the stress, or something that she has given a lot of thought over.

 

Any advice, perspective, comments would really be appreciated. I apologize for the long post, but I thought most of these details were important to establish correct context to my break up. I am so in love with her and my heart is shattered right now. Bottomline I want the best for her, i want her to be happy in life and to feel content in her relationship. I also know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and the best thing you can do is work on the things that need attention.

 

Thank you so much,

 

Very Heartbroken

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, she has thought over it for a long time. The sex drive issue at least has been bothering her for a while and making her question the future. You sound sexually incompatible. As much as you care about each other, 15 months is enough time to know it's not working. I think it would be a good idea to stay away.

[HeartBrokn]

Yeah I can see that being an issue and I agree that sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship but I also think there are multi layer facets to the "Sexual Compatibility" subject. For example we like sex the same way, we are completely turned on by the same stuff but the frequency of sex and when we are in the mood can change based on life events. Those have nothing really to do with compatibility, but more so timing and events. I'd like to believe that being part of a successful relationship is to work with one another in adjusting needs and being able to provide for those needs based on life events. Otherwise we would all go around dumping each other at any sign of friction.

[shessofly]

I am sorry for your pain. At 25 years old, she's still pretty young and maybe not as serious minded as she led you to believe. You have been gone since September so if my math is right you've been gone 6 months...and were together only 9 months prior to deployment and the sex issue was a problem back then. I think the foundation for your relationship wasn't really all that solid prior to your departure and the added stress of everything else caused it to crumble, at least for her. She has started a new journey in her schooling and her friends are all single too. I think that you just have to accept her decision not let your mind get even more screwed up by trying to keep up with what's she's up to. You have been through heartache before so you know you can come through and meet someone more suitable for you down the line. You are right, this is an extra crummy time for you to have to experience heartache but just know that you can get through this.

[HeartBrokn]

I am sorry for your pain. At 25 years old, she's still pretty young and maybe not as serious minded as she led you to believe. You have been gone since September so if my math is right you've been gone 6 months...and were together only 9 months prior to deployment and the sex issue was a problem back then. I think the foundation for your relationship wasn't really all that solid prior to your departure and the added stress of everything else caused it to crumble, at least for her. She has started a new journey in her schooling and her friends are all single too. I think that you just have to accept her decision not let your mind get even more screwed up by trying to keep up with what's she's up to. You have been through heartache before so you know you can come through and meet someone more suitable for you down the line. You are right, this is an extra crummy time for you to have to experience heartache but just know that you can get through this.

 

Thank you so much -shesofly-, I think that is well said, and I also think that the amount of stress she is dealing with is overwhelming her and its making her feel incredibly unhappy, especially with our lack of sex. She then dwells on it and wants a fix, despite us not even being on the same side of the world. So fixing a lack of physical intimacy is impossible to do from here, unless you use skype and that really is a spotty substitute for a hug or kiss or being there with them. I had another talk with her earlier post break up discussion. I told her that I understand her unhappiness because I was on the receiving end with my marriage where my drive was bigger then my ex wife's. It wasn't easy but I told her that I am willing to go to counseling when I get back, give her some space to think this over and to give up porn until I get back home. I am still waiting for a response and not expecting one for a week or two. I am hopeful, at the same time I am not expecting her to change her mind.

 

Its really too bad some people don't see values in things that don't relate to sex in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, sex is a very strong and important part of a healthy relationship but there are so many other qualities a couple can share that transcend sex. I am sure many people disagree with that last one, but Sex diminishes over time and what do you have left then?

[notalady]

Sorry to hear this happening to you. But to clarify, you masturbate 2-3 times a week on porn, how many times do you actually have sex with her then? If it's less than 2-3 times, or none at all, it's perfectly understandable that she feels that porn and masturbation has replaced your sex life.

[HeartBrokn]

Yeah no worries, I do that here while I am deployed. Back home I am sure its maybe once per week if that. We have sex about 2-3 per week but when there is less stress probably 4-5. The issue come to find out is the lack of effort in my department, maybe a little lack in intimacy and then to top it off adding porn to the equation. It left her undesired and hurt and I frankly didn't see it until it came to this point. I can totally see that now and luckily today we had a long conversation and highlighted that we have some things to work on such as Communication, Being Intimate and learning more productive ways to deal with stress. So she said she will look for a counselor so we can see one when I get back. I am pretty relieved since this is the girl i want to marry, I am absolutely in love with her, she is my best friend and I am very hopeful for the future. Thanks again!

[Rainbowrabbid]

Of course she felt undesired. She left for minutes and came back to you jerking it to a screen. When you could have just had sex with her. Women have needs too and more than likely her sex drive is higher than yours already. So think of all the times u masturbated instead of having sex with her. U dont think about tht do you? But she is thinking about it. Believe me. If you're over here pleasuring yourself. What does she get out of it? Not a damn thing. There were probably also many nights you fell asleep next to her and didn't even bother to touch her while inside she's screaming at you... PLEASE have sex with me tonight. And what do u do? Go straight to sleep. Guys dont notice these things but your girlfriend gets sexually frustrated too. She was right to leave you. You blatantly ignored her feelings about porn for your own selfish needs. Its one thing to watch it while deployed but if you have the chance to be with your girlfriend and you choose porn instead then you don't deserve her and obviously prefer going solo. I feel for your stupidity. Just next time...leave the porn alone...its not that crucial. Unless you prefer to be alone for the rest of your life. Because that will happen if you arent careful. No girl in her right mind tolerates a sexually incompetent man with no desire for the real thing. Guys dont realize that porn is not their friend when it comes to the maintenance of a stable relationship. It will destroy it. U will break her heart and make her feel like she has lost a battle against s on the screen. A girl wants to be the apple of your eye. Desired. Passion. Do u ever see passion in porn. Ha no. Thats because its male dominated. And if you try to imitate sex positions that u see in porn you are sure to disappoint. Read some books about true love making. Learn to put her first always.