If she had emotional affiar during previous relationship will it repeat?

[willdation]

Hi,

 

I'm in a new relationship and things are getting pretty serious pretty quick. Everything is great except one little thing...how loyal would she be?

 

She told me she lived with her last bf for four years and at the end she stopped having sex with him because he wouldn't change and listen to her. Basically, he wasn't cleaning, his parents were always interfering, and he would sometimes sleep in until 1:00 pm on weekends instead of do things such as help with the garden etc.

 

Then at a party all of a sudden she met this guy who she instantly had feelings for and was writing with him behind her boyfriend's back and planned to meet up with the guy. Her boyfriend found out by reading her messages, forgave her, and begged her to stay. She left him and slept with that other guy for a while...

 

So.....is this something I should expect to happen if I were to marry this girl and things don't go so well? She said her feelings for the other guy were just so strong and she wasn't happy in the relationship and he "probably knew" she was texting with another guy..

 

For me loyalty is #1 priority. In no way would I want to be married and have wife have affair when things are not going so well. Emotional affair is just as bad as physical for me.

 

Anyways, what do you think? This happened about year and a half ago. Her family is pressuring her to settle down since she is 28 and this is in a place in Europe where people get married around 25.

 

What do you think? I don't want to make a huge mistake....and have to write here like 5 years later that she was having emotional affair with some other guy during a tough time...

[Krankor]

It's said that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That said, nothing is ever written in stone, and sometimes there are isolated incidents.

 

She didn't go about things the right way in the past; no question. But I don't think this means that you should automatically rule her out as a potential mate. I do think you should slow down, however, and I also think it may not be a bad idea to talk to her about your concerns. If you do it in a way that isn't judgmental toward her or in a way that will put her on the defensive, you may get a little clarity on this matter. She'll probably tell you what you want to hear still, but I think you'll still get some answers if you listen closely.

[stuka80]

that is extremely worrying behavior to me. like u i consider loyalty as paramount in relationships and id have to really think hard about this before i continue on with her. weigh in her positive attributes and see if its good enough for u to stay, knowing what shes done in the past.

[willdation]

Thanks for reply. Yeah, we just talked about it and she just said she wasn't happy and tried giving him time to change and he didn't listen and then her feelings for the other person just got too strong.

[lostandhurt]

There are several red flags here.

 

-She seems to go from zero to 100 in relationships every time. So she basically meets a guy and has strong feelings for him right away, in this case enough to cheat on her current bf.

-She doesn't seem to value relationships. Things aren't going well so she goes out to a party and meets a guy to replace her bf.

-She withholds sex to get her way in the relationship.

-She doesn't seem very remorseful for cheating.

 

Slow this thing way down so your vision can clear. Right now you are infatuated with her and ignoring red flags and markers. If it were me I would be wary of this girl.

 

Lost

[Ms Darcy]

Red flag city. Why are you still with her after so many concerned threads?

[willdation]

Thanks for your advice. I just think sometimes I worry a bit because I have had negative experiences in the past ...

 

Now...as commented above, she wasn't withholding sex because she wasn't getting her way, she said she just needs to feel attraction to somebody to sleep with and she would have felt like throwing up if she did with her partner...

 

That being said, I know that its not nice to have somebody lined up in the background when you are planning on exiting a relationship, BUT, isn't this what most people do anyways even if on a subconscious level?

 

You know this person likes you and therefore this person is "Friend Zoned" but is still a backup in case things don't go well. I think most people may have like 3-5 in the background and since most people don't like to feel pain, its only natural to have something lined up before moving on? I know it sounds bad, but isn't this reality for most anyways?

 

Often a guy gets a divorce notice out of nowhere and wasn't expecting it. He wasn't paying attention to what his wife was saying over the years..all of a sudden she has a new partner really quick...usually already lined up just to ease the pain of being single and alone after a breakup...

 

I think this happens a lot...

 

Also there is a saying that if you do not date/court your wife, some other guy will...

 

So in this respect, this is essentially what happened and therefore it is just reality and normal what people do when they feel the relationship is dead and not going anywhere?

[Doc Blaze]

bro is this the girl you have been writing about the past few times?

[willdation]

Hey...yeah it is...you think I am just worrying too much and should try and think more positive ect? Sometimes I think I tend to over-analyze things, but then again...I am really attracted to this girl, so maybe I am not seeing things straight?

 

Anyways, about the previous issue I wrote about with her going to this "all girls" vacation etc, she did end up asking me to join her in the end, so it is for now resolved issue (I decided not to go cause its too short of notice etc).

 

But we do get only when together almost perfect, lots of same interests etc that it is kind of weird...but then again...could all just be infatuation...

[willdation]

This is what my younger brother by one year wrote me (he is pretty wise and lived in China and Japan to study Shaolin Kung Fu and has black belt in Aikido from Japan, so has different perspectives sometimes)

 

"Don't let the fact she cheated bother you. Sure, some people would do it for no reason, but some people might do it because they felt trapped or whatever. You just have to trust that she had a hard time with her old relationship, and that she told you this because she wants to be open and honest. Just think if she didn't tell you at all. You would never know, and it would have no weight on your future decisions. Treat it like that, people make choices, good or bad, and people hopefully grow, learn, and change.

All that matters is enjoying the moments together!

 

In the end, you have to ask yourself, are you going to drive yourself crazy thinking she could cheat at any second. If so, that again comes to you building a self fulfilling prophecy, where instead of enjoying the moments together, you start to embody all the thoughts you feel, and she begins to notice, eventually pushing her away over time. All this just because you could not get out of your own head.

This is a relationship killer, so be careful! Haha Joel does this all the time. Nicki would go on weekend work seminars, and Joel would call her and flip out because this other guy is going to be there too, and he doesn't know what might happen....they might go for a drink after, or sex it up, or who knows! So now Nikki gets pissed because all of a sudden she has a jealous husband on the phone starting an argument for no reason...

Hahaha total self fulfilling prophecy type shiiiit! Of course she for sure wouldn't and didn't cheat, but man, if he keeps that up, all she will have to associate her husband with is , the who doesn't trust her no matter what She does, instead of, the man she loves.

So be careful dude! Don't let jealousy ruin some good moments, because things are not forever, and even if it all ends with a bad reason for a breakup, like cheating, make sure you let it go and be happy for all the good moments you both had up to then!"

[Brokenheart99]

This may not be accurate but sometimes I think if you have to write so many threads about a significant others actions or worry about their behavior, then something is wrong and they're not the right person for you.

[jessor]

I would probably feel better about a relationship with her if she tried to make the other one work by discussing her feelings with her boyfriend. If she didn't then she wanted the relationship to fail. Also I believe you cannot change a persons core values, little things yes but not major ones. It seems she decides that the relationship is not what she wants, will not discuss it, she will make excuses in her own mind to leave, actively look for another partner while making it hard on the existing relationship by withholding or quitting intimacy physical or emotional. My concern it sounds like a core instinct of hers. Take your time, if you see any signs of major withdrawl you will need to confront it. You need loyalty, but even the admission of doing this post already means you have major concerns. If it was me, I would move on, as the others said too many flags and you seem to know it already. Don't set your self up to get hurt. You will sooner or later find what your after. Good luck

[SoulTaker]

She told me she lived with her last bf for four years and at the end she stopped having sex with him because he wouldn't change and listen to her. Basically, he wasn't cleaning, his parents were always interfering, and he would sometimes sleep in until 1:00 pm on weekends instead of do things such as help with the garden etc.

 

Then at a party all of a sudden she met this guy who she instantly had feelings for and was writing with him behind her boyfriend's back and planned to meet up with the guy. Her boyfriend found out by reading her messages, forgave her, and begged her to stay. She left him and slept with that other guy for a while...

 

So.....is this something I should expect to happen if I were to marry this girl and things don't go so well? She said her feelings for the other guy were just so strong and she wasn't happy in the relationship and he "probably knew" she was texting with another guy..

 

For me loyalty is #1 priority. In no way would I want to be married and have wife have affair when things are not going so well. Emotional affair is just as bad as physical for me.

 

Op, I would had dropped her based on a lack of common sense, and intelligence. "Why in the world" would she say something that would cast her in such a negative light, and expose issues such as "trust", "loyalty",...

 

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't have a good head on their shoulders? Also, she doesn't know how to keep private matters between only her and her partner. If she can easily provide intimate details about her past men, she can also do that to you. Tread carefully with this woman (if you feel the need to proceed, despite the obvious red flags).