4 Best Friends Moved In Together and Now 2 Hate Each Other...How to Move Forward

[samstu89]

Last year me and 3 close friends moved into a house together (2 boys, 2 girls). We had been really close friends for about a year and we're all graduate students. None of us have ever been romantically involved, although we know that P had at one point been interested in B. During one drunken night P pushed the boys into telling her their initial thoughts on her--as in, would they have slept with her or not. They both say no, never crossed their minds. Maybe a bit harsh, but they were all drunk and she was pressing the issue hard. From that moment on things started to get a bit tense between P and B, but nothing too serious. B started seriously dating a girl in October and the hostility has grown exponentially since. Now, P constantly complains about everything B does--for grinding coffee to leaving dishes overnight to breathing. He is very aware of the hostility--she leaves the room when he enters, she straight ignores him when he talks to her, and she refuses to partake in an event if he's coming too. I've brought up her attitude to her before and she seems to think that she isn't doing anything wrong and that I'm making it my problem. But their both my friends, and one is being really unfair to the other. She also refuses to admit she has a problem with him, but its obvious she does. I don't know how you can be someone's best friend one day and totally hate him the next.

 

Cut to now when we're all starting to think about housing options next year. P says she'd live with me, but wants a two bedroom apt that's an upwards of $700 and is definitely getting a cat. The problem is that I'm cheap and know I can find a room for $500 and I'm actually allergic to cats. At first I consider it, but its unrealistic and I'd be really unhappy. A mutual friend has 3 rooms opening up in her house. P told us she has no desire to live in that house, but the boys and I think its totally fine and everyone would pay less than we're paying now. Plus the house is just down the street so the move is super simple. We agree to take the spots ourselves. I feel guilty because she is my friend and I know it hurts that we're all living together without her, and at times I feel like I should have done more, but at the same time I feel like she's made this happen herself. I don't want her to think I don't want to be her friend, but she can be really black or white and I already feel her distancing herself.

 

My questions are: should I feel guilty? Is there something here I did wrong or am I just being overly sensitive? We have all approached her about this behavior and she doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with how she's acting--should I keep trying to explain it to her or just let it be? Should I let her know that I'm still her friend and that I feel her distancing herself or let things heal over for now?

[missmarple]

You did nothing wrong. Regarding B, she's being unfair and won't even admit there's a problem. As for the housing issue, she knows you're allergic to cats and she's 'definitely' getting one. That's not a friend who appreciates you and wants to live with you.

I wouldn't tell her anything if I were you. I would go ahead with my plans and let her do whatever she likes. For a friendship to work, both people need to put in the effort..and, in this case, she's only thinking about herself. Do the same and if the friendship is to continue, it will. If not, there are much better friends than her around.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, of course she is going to feel left out if you guys are going to keep living together. But unfortunately there is nothing you can really do.

 

I would just advise trying to be a good and positive person around her for the rest of your roommate life together.

[Hollyj]

Nothing to feel guilty about.

 

You're paying less and not living with a cat. There's your excuse. If she can't deal with it, then she's not your friend.

[awmd]

I wouldn't feel guilty, she chose to act that was towards B, the three of you get along just fine. So she's out. She did it to her self. Plus if she insist on getting a cat and you are allergic then that's a no brainer, you don't live with her. Justify it as you are looking out for your health if it makes you feel better.

[Lester]

"should I feel guilty?"

- Absolutely not.

 

"Is there something here I did wrong or am I just being overly sensitive?"

- For virtually nothing, the failing housing arrangement has given you an opportunity to see what its really like to live with an abusive person. (Priceless!)

 

"We have all approached her about this behavior and she doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with how she's acting--"

- It's not an act!

 

"should I keep trying to explain it to her or just let it be?"

- For emotional abusers; rejection is the only possible hope of cure.

 

"Should I let her know that I'm still her friend and that I feel her distancing herself or let things heal over for now?"

- You can try but don't be surprised if it doesn't work.

 

 

Be happy Sam, for at a young age you are learning one of the greatest, hidden values of owning your own home!

 

Move!

[samstu89]

Thanks y'all! I think deep down I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but its always good to get an outside opinion! Thanks!