Feeling jealous and insecure, afraid he'll leave because of this.

[CrystalMinds]

Hello all

Thanks for reading my question, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

So it started a few weeks ago, I started feeling quite insecure about myself. I don't know what caused this though. Now every time my boyfriend and I go to the gym, I get jealous of all the girls who are fitter than me and I think he should be with one of them because they look hotter. We talked about this and this usually leads to me crying because I feel so ty about myself and him comforting me and reassuring me, telling me he loves me like I am and he doesn't want them (to say it bluntly, if he wanted to be with one of them, he would have been because he knows them longer than he knows me). Recently I saw a text of him to his best friend (quite a ladiesman his friend), saying this: "I saw C. again today, mmmmmh xD she has a bit more of a belly now though" (C. is a girl they both know for a while and used to see a lot in the gym). That made me feel bad because he thinks she's hot apparently, I don't want him saying "mmmmmm" about other girls.

Today, I felt bad, AGAIN. We were calling and he was a bit moody and snarly towards me and talking about this coworker (a girl) he had to work a nightshift with and that it was fun and she's cool to work with and all that. And that got me jealous AGAIN so I told him and apologized for being annoyed with it.

 

I just want to be the non-jealous girlfriend again. Thinking about my own behaviour lately makes me cry because I'm afraid he'll get sick and tired of it and will leave me. He's been very understanding about all this and we're open about it, but I'm scared he'll come to his boiling point soon and will say "nevermind, I'm not dealing with your insecurity anymore, we're through". For the record, we're in a relationship for a little over a year.

Hope you guys will have some advice!!

[leseine7]

Well, first of all, I do think you should work on your insecurities - for you, though, not because you are afraid of him leaving.

 

Inevitably, you will have rocky moments with a boyfriend - you cannot prevent this from happening, but you CAN work on how you handle yourself so you always feel secure.

 

That being said, I would be concerned about your boyfriends' behavior towards other women. I warn you not to go into his phone and read his texts - is that how you saw what he wrote to his best friend about 'C'? Because if you're reading texts in his phone, you have much bigger problems and that will DEFINITELY be the kind of behavior that leads to a split. You're snooping into his conversations. Still, the way he talks about women is a red flag. Saying 'mmmm' about another girl, especially a friend of his, would not be cool with me and I'm sure that's the basis of your insecurities - you have a gut feeling there's something to be insecure about.

 

I would come clean with what you read, and say you have a feeling that he is interested in other girls (and give him your reasons why - not just speculation or insecurity. Stop telling him you're insecure - say you're uncomfortable with his behavior because that is the root of the problem).

 

Then, I would work on taking the space to work on you. He's going to do what he's going to do, and you'll either be able to stay with him and work through those things, or not. But your focus needs to be on YOU and not the relationship, because you have no control over whether or not he'll break up with you, you can only do your best to make it work and work on you.

 

And decide whether or not you are really happy with any guy who talks about his female friends' bodies like that.

[CrystalMinds]

Thank you for your reply. I know I need to work on them, I don't know what caused it though or how to work on them.

I don't really want to bring up the text, it's been almost a month ago, he probably won't remember me using his phone then so he'll think I was snooping. I kinda see it as guy talk, his friend talks about women like that and I think my boyfriend wants to keep a bond with him and talk like that too. He assured me he doesn't want any of those other girls and just me. He hasn't given me any other reason to think he's interested in other girls, he recently told me he felt bad about me feeling like that because he thinks it's his fault.

 

I don't know if I should keep talking about it to him or just let him know I won't talk about it anymore and try to deal with it on my own so I won't bring our relationship in danger.

[Krankor]

The text you saw was just one guy talking to another guy; your boyfriend probably said it more for his buddy's benefit (you should check her out) than his own. Guys are going to notice other women sometimes; that's just something you are going to have to live with if you want to have a relationship with one. Women are going to do the same thing. I do wonder a bit what his motivation was in telling you about this other girl; it almost seems as if he was trying to make you a little jealous there, but I could be wrong. But if he was, it had to do with what was going on between you two at that moment, not her.

 

What do think your boyfriend thinks: "CrystalMinds is completely gross to look at and I'm not in the least attracted to her. There are so many better-looking and more fit women in my sphere than her, but I'm going to make her my girlfriend anyway just because." Come on, does that make sense? I know, I know; these are your insecurities and they don't necessarily have to make sense, but sometimes you just have to logically talk yourself out of what you are feeling. Your boyfriend chose you.

 

We all have things about ourselves we wish were different. I'm about 5'10; I'd really like to be an even 6 ft tall. This slight insecurity is now magnified by the fact that the woman I've started seeing is almost 5'9. But if my height were a deal-breaker for her, she wouldn't have started seeing me. But if I were 6ft, I'd probably be envious of the guys 6'2 and taller. Then again, there are guys 5'5 or 5'6 who would just love to be as tall as me. Here's the thing; no matter how fit, beautiful, well-built, etc. you are, there is always going to be someone even more physically attractive out there. That's just the reality, so it does you no good to worry about it. There are also homely, overweight women out there who would love to look like you so that they could get a boyfriend like yours.

 

You are wrong to worry about the more fit girls at the gym. However, you are right to worry that your insecurities may drive your boyfriend away, because, frankly, that's a legitimate concern. We all need a little reassurance now and again, but having to constantly coddle your partner's insecurities gets very tiring after a while, so you really need to try hard to knock this off. Stop thinking you are lucky to have him and start thinking he's lucky to have you. Better yet, think that you are lucky to have each other.

[CrystalMinds]

The text you saw was just one guy talking to another guy; your boyfriend probably said it more for his buddy's benefit (you should check her out) than his own. Guys are going to notice other women sometimes; that's just something you are going to have to live with if you want to have a relationship with one. Women are going to do the same thing. I do wonder a bit what his motivation was in telling you about this other girl; it almost seems as if he was trying to make you a little jealous there, but I could be wrong. But if he was, it had to do with what was going on between you two at that moment, not her.

 

What do think your boyfriend thinks: "CrystalMinds is completely gross to look at and I'm not in the least attracted to her. There are so many better-looking and more fit women in my sphere than her, but I'm going to make her my girlfriend anyway just because." Come on, does that make sense? I know, I know; these are your insecurities and they don't necessarily have to make sense, but sometimes you just have to logically talk yourself out of what you are feeling. Your boyfriend chose you.

 

We all have things about ourselves we wish were different. I'm about 5'10; I'd really like to be an even 6 ft tall. This slight insecurity is now magnified by the fact that the woman I've started seeing is almost 5'9. But if my height were a deal-breaker for her, she wouldn't have started seeing me. But if I were 6ft, I'd probably be envious of the guys 6'2 and taller. Then again, there are guys 5'5 or 5'6 who would just love to be as tall as me. Here's the thing; no matter how fit, beautiful, well-built, etc. you are, there is always going to be someone even more physically attractive out there. That's just the reality, so it does you no good to worry about it. There are also homely, overweight women out there who would love to look like you so that they could get a boyfriend like yours.

 

You are wrong to worry about the more fit girls at the gym. However, you are right to worry that your insecurities may drive your boyfriend away, because, frankly, that's a legitimate concern. We all need a little reassurance now and again, but having to constantly coddle your partner's insecurities gets very tiring after a while, so you really need to try hard to knock this off. Stop thinking you are lucky to have him and start thinking he's lucky to have you. Better yet, think that you are lucky to have each other.

 

That's a great answer, thank you! I do also think that was just guy talk, I kind of know how this friend is and that explains a lot.

Quick question, how should I deal with future insecurities? He's sleeping now after a nightshift and I already apologized for my annoying behaviour on the phone this morning. Should I just let it be and pretend nothing happened or let him know I don't want to talk about it anymore?

[montanaland]

I would be very confident and content with yourself. Workout for you and do not let anyone disrespect you. Let him know how you feel but don't let insecurity control you...just know you will not tolerate any b.s. actions on his part.

[Krankor]

You already apologized for that situation; I'd just leave it be.

 

As far as future insecurities; you could try discussing them with someone other than your boyfriend; no they can't give you the same reassurance, but maybe just talking about them will help. You can also discuss them with your boyfriend, but just try not do it in an accusing/needy/overly emotional way. But while it's not necessarily good to let things fester, sometimes just realize that they are your own insecurities and your own problem and deal with them on your own instead of dumping them all in your boyfriend's lap.

 

One thing that helps: if you are sitting there, thinking, feeling insecure about other girls, stand up and (if there's no-one around) throw your hands up in the air and say something like "My boyfriend chose me because he loves me and I have a lot to offer." Do this as many times as you need to. It sounds silly, but you are actually changing your brain by doing that.

[CrystalMinds]

You already apologized for that situation; I'd just leave it be.

 

As far as future insecurities; you could try discussing them with someone other than your boyfriend; no they can't give you the same reassurance, but maybe just talking about them will help. You can also discuss them with your boyfriend, but just try not do it in an accusing/needy/overly emotional way. But while it's not necessarily good to let things fester, sometimes just realize that they are your own insecurities and your own problem and deal with them on your own instead of dumping them all in your boyfriend's lap.

 

One thing that helps: if you are sitting there, thinking, feeling insecure about other girls, stand up and (if there's no-one around) throw your hands up in the air and say something like "My boyfriend chose me because he loves me and I have a lot to offer." Do this as many times as you need to. It sounds silly, but you are actually changing your brain by doing that.

 

Thanks! I was thinking on sending him a text saying that I appreciate his effort to make me feel better and that I'm aware I'm being too insecure and jealous but that it's something I need to work on and I don't want to burden him with it anymore. Good idea or just leave it be alltogether?

[Krankor]

Thanks! I was thinking on sending him a text saying that I appreciate his effort to make me feel better and that I'm aware I'm being too insecure and jealous but that it's something I need to work on and I don't want to burden him with it anymore. Good idea or just leave it be alltogether?

 

Meh; I'd just leave it be altogether and instead just try not to act that way anymore. Unless of course he brings it back up, in which case something like that would be fine.

[notalady]

Did you have this kind of insecurity in any other relationships?

[CrystalMinds]

Did you have this kind of insecurity in any other relationships?

 

Yes, I'm used to my boyfriends cheating on me or hitting on other girls while being together.

[CrystalMinds]

Meh; I'd just leave it be altogether and instead just try not to act that way anymore. Unless of course he brings it back up, in which case something like that would be fine.

 

Thanks a lot for your answers!

[monkey4kitten]

I've been in that situation alot. Been with mine for 8 and a half years. I had a few boyfriends before that cheated on me and it never got easier to hear. The one I am with now has sort of cheated and then broke up with me about 2 weeks after but he cheated around my birthday, we where only together for just over a year at that point. I still don't trust him and I never will 100%. You get use to the way you feel and find little things to help to control it. It's natural to feel insecure if you have had bad experiences. I've looked through my bf phone too so your not alone. But i don't anymore as I forced my self not to. Instead I ask him how his day has been and get info that way. Even now I feel insecure but its made easier because he knows how insecure I feel. Don't worry on how you feel, take it day by day and if it comes to a near breaking point on how you feel then sit down with him and tell him the things he do to why you feel that way. If he loves you he will talk to you and understand. Hope it works out!