Still so angry/looking for therapy

[hidden_kitten]

This may read like verbal vomit - posting from my phone and having horrible urges to reach out to the ex again. Hoping to post here until it passes.

 

One thing for certain is that I still get waves of anger and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never felt as bad as this towards anyone before. It was around this time last year the relationship broke down and he had checked out, despite me desperately wanting him to meet me half way. Now I want to put him through a wall/ruin his business/have him fail in some other ridiculous and irrational way.

 

So rather than end up with a police record I should really seek some counselling, however in the past I've never used it in such a specific way before. My previous sessions didn't have any specific focus or goal in mind but if I went now I would rather know that there would be 'structure' to the sessions, if that makes any sense? Has anyone here sought help in this way? My last round of counselling was through the nhs but maybe going private this time would fare better?

[ParisPaulette]

I did, but at the same time I also went out to a gym and punched the crap out of a bag, ran more miles than I care to count, (dang I looked good back then!) and I kept a journal. My therapist talked to me about it yes, but it was more getting me to look past the anger to the underlying issues. And I went private although it was with a woman I'd worked with and was friendly with, so I worked out a barter system with her.

 

That's not something most will have, but if you can find someone good yes even a few sessions will help. But also try the physical workouts, the journal where you keep everything down and never let anyone see it. And you keep it until you're bored to tears of the whole thing and then you destroy it however you see fit.

 

Oh, and try taking up some really mentally and/or physically intensive skill or hobby. Something that takes up enough concentration and mental energy you don't have so much left over. One of the big things with anger that won't go is there's nothing to sort of take it's place, it becomes the fuel and your primary focus, and that's not good past the initial stages of recovery. So find something else to focus on, even if it takes some time, your mind and emotions need to reset to find something else to focus on.

 

At least that's what worked for me: punching bags, running, journaling and art.

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks Paris, all great points. I've never set foot in a gym but have rolling hills on my doorstep, the constant rain and snow of recent hasn't been very inviting though!

 

Journalling is a good idea but I've been averse to it so far. Hard to explain but it's like if it's all down in a notepad it's still there, festering away.....I know this is nonsense!

[catfeeder]

Journalling is a good idea but I've been averse to it so far. Hard to explain but it's like if it's all down in a notepad it's still there, festering away.....I know this is nonsense!

 

Just use a cheap spiral pad so you can rip out pages and ceremoniously destroy them.

[Waraqqa]

Thanks Paris, all great points. I've never set foot in a gym but have rolling hills on my doorstep, the constant rain and snow of recent hasn't been very inviting though!

 

Journalling is a good idea but I've been averse to it so far. Hard to explain but it's like if it's all down in a notepad it's still there, festering away.....I know this is nonsense!

 

I can understand this. Where I am, the weather is far from inviting also. I noticed, though, that when I'm in a good mood, I prefer running in sunshine and being comfortable. When I'm ticked off, riddled with guilt, anger, sadness, all these symptoms, then actually I barely notice the biting cold and rain. Or if I do, they take my attention away from the bad thoughts. So, in a weird way, while I'm recovering, I like the idea of going to jog in horrible weather. Sometimes it reflects my mood, and there is this weird harmony.

 

I can also understand you on journalling. Sometimes, it helps to let things out; while others, if I write something down, it makes it feel that much more real. But if it's really coming out, write it out. It is much better than either suppressing it and pretending to yourself you are ok, or - worse yet - exposing that side of you to the ex.

Sometimes I write to try and make sense of smth, and other times - just cathartically, with all the irrationality, but allowing myself to Observe it - this makes it easier not to react to it, you can see all the crap there is but be descriptive about it and put some distance between your angry mind and You. You are not your mind, you are something deeper inside, the mind is an accummulation of outside. But it is not you. It is more of a tool. Sometimes in life we have situations where we mismanage the tool, it runs out of control and it acts in the ways that we don't want it to act. At the same time, trying to control it can be difficult and sometimes impossible: so then, just observe it. Say to yourself: yes, these are the crazy angry thoughts and emotions; I see them, but I observe them rather than identify with them or act upon them.

 

I already wrote somewhere that sometimes it helps to convert anger into sadness. In my recent case, it's been a big challenge, but twice before it actually helped Hugely! Some spiritual people say that anger is an unhealthy emotion, you are harming yourself; sadness may be painful, but it is a healthy emotion that everyone, even the most adequate and enlightened people experience. Sadness has seeds of compassion in it and can be used for growth; anger cannot, it is destructive. Converting one into the other takes some courage and even ego-crushing. For me, it is replacing "x) How dared he do that, that ***hole" with "y) we made some mistakes, but I can only acknowledge and be in charge of my side, and now it looks like he doesn't care about me anymore, and it is sad, but the Universe doesn't want it, whatever happens must be for the best, so I should bow to It and accept it.

 

This is just an example, you can construct it your ways that may work for you given the intricacies of your situation. Be prepared that this "conversion" may be painful, but it helps to process things and dissolve.

 

I went to therapy for some time also, but didn't find it very helpful due to language issue (not an English-speaking country) and lack of a good connection with the therapist (this can be important!). However, one of the useful things she told me was that the nature of anger is such that it actually ties you closer to the person you are angry at. It is an attaching kind of emotion. Whereas sadness, on the contrary, is detaching, and when you go through that motion and allow it, it gets out of you.

 

If you are not able to "convert" it, at least make a conscious effort not to feed the anger further and avoid those mental dialogues and arguments and don't encourage them in your head.

 

Another thing that helps is very genuinely understanding him and how/why he did what he did that you are angry at. In the process, don't be judgemental or "label" his behaviour. It doesn't mean you are excusing or approving what he did, but just dispassionately explaining/understanding.

[No1]

This question is going to come up.. but who are you really angry with? You angry at yourself or at him? Dont you think that you could be projecting your inner anger outwards towards your X?

Sounds like that you need to physically release your anger.. so you go out and you be physically active. Use your energy in a positive way. Go out for a long walk, or run, even doing push ups helps. You are so tightly wound up that you need to get that energy out. So I would say just go be active. Never been to a gym, then look into joining one. Never played a sport? Then go learn a new one or take up a new hobby.

As far as your mind and those thoughts. I think seeing a counseler is a great idea.. that would help you sort out your thoughts.