Should I risk it? What does he feel for me?

[Beccy]

Hello again, people, Lúthien here.

 

Some of you may have seen my previous thread on my best friend, "Beren". Well, I still haven't seen him in person, but I'm back with more news...and questions.

 

About a week ago my parents kicked me out of my house. I was horribly depressed, confused and afraid, and who better to call than Beren, who has been and is in my same shoes--almost no money and nowhere decent to stay unless friends help him? But, as he hadn't been online for a while (read: since after Christmas, and then it was his best friend's mom and not him) and messages did not reach his phone, I couldn't take it anymore and I messaged his best friend (let's call him Beleg) asking him to ask Beren to call me. Beleg took about a day to respond that he'd let him know.

 

I waited in suspense for two days. Then, I came off work to find THIRTY messages from Beren! He apologized profusely for not answering before, and gave perfectly valid reasons why he was unable to contact me (to my mind, he could've found another way, but knowing his insane amount of work and problems, I didn't want to push, knowing he has even put off job interviews in the past just to come see me), adding that he rushed off to buy a cell phone to talk to me after his friend told him of my message. He was very concerned my parents and I might be angry at him because he didn't take the job my dad got for him, and he said "I realize that you may not want to talk to me any more, but I love you very much my friend, and I want you to know you are the most important person in my life aside from my brother, and I miss you too much", etc. We talked over the phone for about forty minutes until I ran out of phone credit. He disappeared shortly after that, for the same reason, but contacted me again the following night and sang a beautiful song he wrote for me, in which he thanked me for being there for him and not judging him, said we were "much more than friends", "the moments of his life when he was with me were the happiest", and that he "thanked God that it was I and not someone else who turned his moments to happiness"!!!

 

Needless to say, I was thrilled. Beyond belief!

 

Communication has been spotty over the past couple of days, but I put that down to his lack of money for a cell phone credit. And he's still making an effort, even if it isn't half as often as I would like.

 

AND TODAY HE WHATSAPPED ME SAYING HE'S COMING BACK, WANTS TO SEE ME AND WANTS TO ASK ME OUT! He said he'd try to hitch a ride with a trailer as he has only $50 (pesos) in his pocket, but I said NO because it's so unsafe and he is physically weak. I'm going to lend him money for his bus ticket. He said he didn't want to take it, but I insisted, and he agreed on the stipulation that I'd let him pay me back and take me out. (Heck, yeah! I'm DYING to go out with him, lol!) He gushed about how much he loves and misses me, and explained that he hasn't been in contact because his little brother nearly lost his foot to a spider bite.

 

I want to tell him of my feelings for him when I see him, but do you think I should? I've never told a guy I love him, mostly because I want to be sure it's true and am a bit afraid of rejection...and ruining the friendship. Any tips on how to go about that??? What does he feel for me?

 

Thanks in advance!!

[Tom1990]

Heh. I'm trying to get over the names. Excellent references, though. He sounds like he's sweet-talking you, to be honest. It's a bit too good to be true, and if someone's really interested, they usually won't be so flowery and epic with their language. They'll just ask you out. Usually.

 

I'd be hesitant if I were you. You always risk something when dating, but don't risk too much. Take it slow, no matter how tempting it is to leap into something so fast. Bilbo thought that funny little ring was perfectly safe....

[ThatwasThen]

How well do you actually know this guy by spending face to face time with him in person and not just over text/email/internet? I'm asking because I think you'd be foolish to send money for a ticket for a stranger that may or may not even show up. Why not wait until he has a job and can afford to visit you before you do such a thing?

[Beccy]

Stranger? No! We met in person, and have spent countless hours together, talking. He has had a very sad life and shared his pain with me, but he is a hard worker and I have seen him give money to others in need when he has hardly enough to feed himself. He's very innocent and childish still, yet full of so much love in spite of all he's been through. He's so kind and gentle that animals love him to pieces! And I don't believe I've ever seen him angry, though Heaven knows he'd have reason enough. He gets annoyed whenever another guy hits on me.

 

And he has asked me out, but I always said no before...once because I felt shy, twice or thrice because I didn't want him to spend money needlessly when he had an ulcer already from not eating. We started out as co-workers, quickly became friends...and now I think we both want something more. But I would just like to feel certain...

He's not coming just to see me. He has a job here and was going to come anyway. I sent him the money because I didn't want him to hitch a ride with a trailer which might be dangerous as he is physically weak and has very strict moral rules... Like, EVERYONE says it's obvious he likes me, yet he seems almost afraid to even touch me in a friendly way. And he won't hit back even in self-defense...

[abitbroken]

I think anyone who sends you 30 messages and not just one is someone you should hesitate getting involved with. If he left you one or two, then someone with good boundaries would wait for you to reply in some way - 30 messages is obsessive.

 

I think because you are in a vulnerable place, you should not be so quick to declare your feelings. I know you have had a tough time lately. Being attracted to someone because they are in the same level of misery or have similar issues does not end well. It is okay to be friends, but I would hesitate to jump into anything with him at this time. Get yourself into a stable life and build yourself up. Don't latch onto him, nor he you. Be a friend - see him occasionally, but don't commit yourself right now. In fact, this is all so fresh for you, I would give yourself 6 months to a year to get your situation going before getting caught up in a relationship. The more stable you are and the more you can take care of yourself by yourself, the more you have to offer.

 

I have seen him give money to others in need when he has hardly enough to feed himself.

 

I appreciate the sentiment, but I was with the guy who "gave to others when he had no food".

Actually, a better match for you would be one who made sure he had proper food first, then give, or share, so he could be strong enough to help others more - because otherwise you will meet someone who puts his health and his family last and can't hold on to enough money to care for his family. My ex was the guy who gave possessions that were admired by his friends to them, treated countless people for meals, gave the shirt off his back to people, but yet our cupboards were almost always empty. When it should be that we have nutritious food so we can maintain your own health first = and then help others because otherwise you will be too sickly to help.

[Beccy]

I think anyone who sends you 30 messages and not just one is someone you should hesitate getting involved with. If he left you one or two, then someone with good boundaries would wait for you to reply in some way - 30 messages is obsessive.

We hadn't spoken for nearly one month, and he explained to me why and apologized for it. He literally never does this...sends three short messages tops and waits for me to reply, even if I sometimes take all day since I can't take out my phone at work.

 

I think because you are in a vulnerable place, you should not be so quick to declare your feelings. I know you have had a tough time lately. Being attracted to someone because they are in the same level of misery or have similar issues does not end well.

 

I've loved him since before this happened, only I never got up the courage to say anything about it. His problems are much, much more serious than mine; my friends somewhat care for me and I have a small cushion of savings; he, on the other hand, literally has nothing except an old house in his hometown that is badly in need of repairs.

 

I plan to tell him of my feelings and leave the ball in his court...what I'm afraid of, though, is that he might lose interest if he finds out that I care for him. My heart says he won't, and God knows he's given me plenty of signals already...but my brain forever holds on to doubt about everyone and everything, even friends, even family, even him. I'd like tips on wording, etc. ... and I don't plan to ask him to be my bf or anything like that, because, while I think I could potentially handle a relationship now, I don't want him to feel pressured, and I want to make it very clear that I want to continue being friends no matter what happens.

 

 

Actually, a better match for you would be one who made sure he had proper food first, then give, or share, so he could be strong enough to help others more - because otherwise you will meet someone who puts his health and his family last and can't hold on to enough money to care for his family.

 

That's me, too... I can never stand to see someone else in need, and I will go out of my way to help anyone. That is, in fact, how our friendship began. He had nothing to eat and was sitting around waiting for lunch hour to finish, and having already eaten a sandwich I gave him my lunch apple so he wouldn't be completely without food.

 

And goodness only knows that after my mother and father kicked me out and I had no place to stay a LOT of people gave me food, as well...this is even though I do have some savings and can buy food. It makes me tear up how good people have been to me. What can I do, except do the same for others?

 

I know you're right, of course, and I draw the line at where I would actually be physically hurting myself or my loved ones (I won't give someone else food, for example, if I have not enough to eat myself... and I have told him he should take better care of himself, because it kills me to see how hard he works and how he's exploited at jobs and won't stand up for himself. I have also told him to STOP putting himself down...he is NOT beneath me, even if we are from somewhat different social classes.) The incident I was referring to took place when he worked at McDonald's as well as the pet store where I worked and the manager of the restaurant gave him coupons for free burgers; one of our co-workers didn't buy food, so Beren gave him one of the coupons. Then that was the first time he asked me out lol...asked me to grab a burger with him. Having more than enough food, I said no, of course, and told him that while I know a McDonald's burger can hardly be considered 'food', he should still be eating SOMETHING at least.

 

Ahhh. He's on his way back as I type. I can hardly wait to see him!!! My heart is jumping just thinking about this.

 

I guess my insecurity stems mostly from the fact that many people...my mom especially included...have told me how annoying I am, and my mom will say I'm no beauty, don't sing very well, etc. so when he says I'm beautiful, smart, kind, sweet and a great singer...well I know that isn't true, and I find it difficult to believe that anyone could really think that of me. I mean, yes, I'm considered 'better type' physically than the average Mexican (gray eyes, light skin), but I'm not very fit, I'm too short, my hair is too puffy and my ears stick out. And many people have told me I'm annoying. How can he not be annoyed by me?

 

You could argue he just wants something else entirely, but I know this cannot be true. I touched him far more than he touched me, even before I loved him at all. He respects me to a ridiculous extent...will always defend me in front of anyone else where he won't defend himself, will hardly even lay a friendly hand on my shoulder, will ask what day I'm off work instead of asking what time I come off work (Don't ask me why he thinks that would be wrong!), doesn't suggest we meet up anywhere after dark because it's "not correct"...unless I'm out on the street at night and then he'll want to come with me to be sure I'm safe, especially as there's a serial killer on the loose here who goes after girls my age.