I Can't Do NC

[DreamLilies]

Long time reader, first time poster.

 

He and I were together for ten months. He broke up with me 4 1/2 months ago. When it happenned, it was a total shock to me. It was such a shock that I didn't know we had broken up until the next day, I thought that he just wanted to take a break. Over the next two weeks, I would call him to meet up and whenever we met up, I would try to convince him to get back together with me. Once he even told me that if I kept hounding him to get back together, he wouldn't want to spend any more time with me. Now that I think about it, it makes sense.

 

I did NC for a month, then called him after a month and left a voicemail that said that I really missed my best friend. He called right back, and we have been spending time together as friends.

 

The reason that I can't do NC with him is that we are working on a project together and both of us are essential to getting this project off the ground. I really do want him back. I have a hope that us working together closely will bring us back together. In the time since we split up I have worked on the issues that came between us, and I am a better person for it. I would have to say that there have been many wonderful things that have happenned and many things I have discovered that might not have occurred if we hadn't broken up. He is really impressed with the new me.

 

He has said that right now he needs plenty of time to be on his own, to be completely focused on his needs and his needs alone. I can understand this. He knows that I have not put my life on hold and that I have been dating.

 

I have healed a great deal, but deep in my heart, I believe that we will be back together. And I'm finally at a point where I don't feel a great sense of longing anymore when I see him or think of him.

 

He has just left town for a couple of weeks, and I have promised myself that I will not call him while he is away. He has already made plans with me for my birthday, which happens to be a couple of days after he returns.

 

Have any of you had a working relationship with the one you were once in love with? And have any of you been able to apply the rules of NC, or actually LC while working together? And have any of you been able to rekindle a relationship while in a situation like the one I am in?

 

Thank you.

[brando]

I have a hard time with NC. I am divorced from my xwife. And i still care much about her. I have no postings on the details, it doesnt matter. I am here today and that is waht counts. Not sure if we have a working relationship.... my emotions have settled, acceptance is present on my part, it is still hard. Talking with her without the I L Y. Not coming home to see her etc... I guess if you want a working relationship with him, then you can have one. No pressure, no expectations, no projections. I hope it helps.

 

Brando

[DreamLilies]

Brando,

 

The thing is that I still love him with all of my heart. The first time I ever saw him, I felt electricity, I felt a physical reaction that zapped me even though he isn't anything at all like the guys who would normally turn my head. And in getting to know him while we worked together on a project, I discovered how much we had in common in ideas, ideals, values and shared experiences. While working together on that project, we had to spend a lot of time together and that lead to us getting to know each other very well. When I left that job, that's when we started dating. We haven't worked together in a little over a year, but we will be working together very closely again very soon. NC will not be an option.

 

This timeline on this working relationship is indefinite. And I know that all things worth having take time. I am in no hurry. I just was wondering if there might be any words of wisdom to share in what my course of action should be to possibly make this working relationship springboard us into a love relationship.

 

Thank you.

[brando]

Dreamlillies

 

Not sure about springboarding into a love relationship. I would be glad to share it with you if i knew. Acceptance of my current situation helps me. Knowing now she is her own person, and she is responsible for herself. It gives me a different perspective. Not pressuring her and constantly contacting her gave me peace of mind.

 

Think back to when you first met, what do you feel attracted you to him??? Before a realtionship developed. Their maybe some answers for you their. (does this make sense.)

[DreamLilies]

Dreamlillies

 

Not sure about springboarding into a love relationship. I would be glad to share it with you if i knew. Acceptance of my current situation helps me. Knowing now she is her own person, and she is responsible for herself. It gives me a different perspective. Not pressuring her and constantly contacting her gave me peace of mind.

 

Think back to when you first met, what do you feel attracted you to him??? Before a realtionship developed. Their maybe some answers for you their. (does this make sense.)

 

I know how you feel about not contacting bringing peace of mind. Because often when I called and left a message and he didn't call back, I'd get upset with myself about waiting around for a reply. If I don't call, I can't face the disappointment of rejection. So I won't call.

 

Besides the initial spark I felt with him, what attracted me to him was his wittiness and intelligence. He gave as good as he got, if that makes sense. There was a lot that he had experienced that I had experienced too. I had never met anyone who seemed so like me.

 

One of my errors was in trying to make myself into what I thought it was he wanted. I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that he thought he was getting himself into. I had a lot of work to do on myself when I met him, and I know that I still have more to do to make myself ready to have a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. Either with him, or with somebody else. The difference between then and now is that now I know the whats and whys of what works in a relationship.

[brando]

I do too. I learned so much about how unhealthy our relationship became. I know much more now than before, and i forgive myself for not having the tools then.

 

We met at a job. We were both in relationships, so we were friends for two years, the smiles on our faces when we would see one another at work were ELECTRIFYING!

 

But the part of us being in relationships somehow made getting together less important. It was not the focus. We talked worked our breaks out together and had people talking. Anyway i guess in a sense we have to see them as they once were when we first met them. They need to see us the sameway. (does this make sense?)

[Blue Skittles]

Ok, I'm having trouble playin NC and we only knew each other a month, and only went on 3 dates. Its hard. I've always had troubles with NC - and eventually one day it is like a SLAP in the face and I"ll never call him again, I'll just give up and move on.

[brando]

u have to try and occupy ur time. Go out with friends, do things. Date others,nothing serious. Act happy. Think about what you want, things you want to do and do them. Im not saying i can do this, it works well for some people, and it may not get an x back, but i think the focus is shifted on yourself when NC is intiated. This way if they don't want the relationship bcak, you will be okay with it as well. Self care is most difficult when in a transition of life.

[Marko]

Well lets see, I worked w/ my ex and it lasted a week. I had to quit. I was in no shape to work with her. I was a mess. a very visible mess.

 

I was actually "the employee of the year", that final week, I spent more time smoking/crying in the bathroom, literally having people "carry me" thru shifts, and just doing horrible work. luckily, my bosses were extremely understanding, and just turned their heads to it.

 

I been out of work for 3 weeks and have 2 more to go before I start my new job.

 

If you can hang...go for it. I could not.

 

As far as NC, Im going into it now, tho have said that before.

 

 

I feel like telling her that she should have just put a gun to my head and made this much easier.

[Palmbaby]

I know that NC is what is considered best for you, I of course have not managed to do this so for the past 4 months the ex and I have kept in touch. I too felt that electricity when we met, so did he. I didn't want someone who did that to me to go.

Well even I finally realised this is no good for me, if we're not going to work on the problems then what's the benefit in keeping in touch and mehanging around waiting for the call/text.

So I'm doing NC, it's day 6, I hate it! But I'm convinced it's for the best.

[Blue Skittles]

I might see him tonight, but After tonight, I'm doing NC - I'm sick of all the BS.

[DreamLilies]

Blue Skittles, under what circumstances might you be seeing the ex tonight?

 

I am trying to do NC while he is out of town for the next two weeks. I sent him a text message yesterday morning before his flight to wish him a nice trip. Sending texts was a way for me to communicate without the expectation of a response, but I am going to cut that out too.

 

So, I guess today is day 1 of this 2 week period of NC.

 

When he gets back, then I will try limited contact. I will try to not initiate communication with him unless it's work related.

Should I try to dodge his calls? Not return messages right away? I have always been available to him when he calls. Perhaps I should not be so available anymore.

 

Jeez, I miss him still. Last Sunday he said that he didn't miss me because I am still in his life. Well, I may have to give him a chance to miss me.

 

What do you all think?

[Kaienna]

I am on day two of no contact with my ex and it hurts like hell, but I also believe this is for the best, for both of us. We've gone through a very turbulent relationship in the past three or four months and have inflicted some very deep scars on each other. I'm here to support anyone who is also having problems maintaining no contact with the person they love. Remember, this is a self healing time for yourself. Embrace it as much as possible and I personally will be trying to find myself again, while slowly putting the pieces of my heart back together.

 

If anyone wants to talk, please don't hesitate to pm me. Many of us are in a very lonely place right now. It feels good to know that we are not alone.

[brando]

Dreamlillie,

NC is a good idea. If he contacts you just don't be too anxious to answer the phone, or let the machine pick up and call back within 24 hours or so. Be casual and sound happy, as if you realize after the NC that the breakup is the best thing. Im not saying this works, but the less emotion you reveal the better. Be polite keep conversations short and happy, and try to say goodbye first, dont hang on the phone wanting to talk.

 

Take what you want and leave the rest. I hope this helps a little bit.

[DreamLilies]

It is now day three of NC with my ex. I'm feeling pretty good about it. But when he comes back into town and we get back to work, I don't think that the NC can continue. Hopefully I'll have healed a bit more over the next week and a half or so while he's out of town.

 

I kinda wish he'd call so that I can ingnore it! I need to prove to myself that I can stay strong. I feel that he'll call me this week at work because that's the phone line he usually calls on. But he is probably too busy right now to even think of calling. But I do have the feeling that he'll call.

[DreamLilies]

6th day of NC. I'm feeling pretty good.

 

We have plans a week from tomorrow. I wish he'd call so that I could ignore it! I will not call him, I will not email him. No no no no no.

 

I guess it's easier right now because he is out of town.

[delmar]

Dreamlilies, you are too cute! Keep at it, I think you are doing great!

 

Stay strong, girl. (I think I need to take me own advice;-))

[freeindeed]

I don't work with my ex, but I had school with him. It was only 3 classes in the evening, but I still had to quit. I couldn't stand wondering who he was talking to or where he was going, my eyes would always be searching for him. It's unfortunate that I had to quit (especially because it was a vocational school where I couldn't transfer anything for what I needed to do), but I'm happy that I did, because I think I panic less. Out of sight, out of mind, sometimes does work.