Feeling like I'll never get through this

[jex24]

Just really need to vent- had had a tough weekend. I'm hoping someone can relate or offer support.

 

I've been officially split from my ex for 2.5 years now and I'm still not over him. I've tried both NC and LC and I'm just as miserable either way. I really thought he was it for me, and the fact that we're not together anymore continues to break me. I've done everything anyone would possibly tell you to do to heal after going through a traumatic break-up: poured myself into work (even got 2 promotions), built my social life back up and go out with friends regularly (even made some new friends), started working out again, took some classes, went on a few fun vacations, went full NC, even started seeing a therapist for a few months. I still can't shake him. I think about him every single day and I still get upset and cry on occasion. I have a really great and full life with so many great things going on around me....but I just can't get past this. It's been over 2 years now. I'm starting to think that there's something really wrong here.

 

To add insult to injury, I also truly feel like I'll never find love again. Dating since has been pretty much awful. I've tried it all- meeting people out, having friends set me up, doing the online thing. I lost count, but I've gone out with a decent amount of guys since my ex to no avail. I've expanded my horizons and even tried going out with people way outside my type. I just can't find seem to find that click/connection I'm looking for. The one time I actually went out and had a good time on a date, it didn't pan out. All the others, I just haven't been interested in seeing again. I'm trying to stay positive and keep moving along, but every time it happens, it just beats me down harder and harder. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do you keep moving forward when you feel like it's just not in the cards for you?

 

This has been going on for far too long and it's breaking my spirit. Has anyone else gone through this or is on the other side after a seemingly hopeless situation?

[Crank]

Sounds like you don't really want to get over him. Possibly thinking everything you do would be better with him rather with anyone else or by yourself. Maybe consider trying not to worry so much about finding someone. Can't tell you not to hold to someone but that is what your doing. Hate to say it but sometime it takes a figurative slap in the face from the person you can't let go in order to move on.

[DoF]

You are not ready for dating. Don't even think about that yet.

 

There is # of things that might be an issue or preventing you from healing completely.

 

1) you said you are in no contact, is this the case? Without NC....forget it. You will never heal. I assume LC means low contact......that's a no go. ANY contact with ex = reset of your healing time as well. I have a feeling you have been resetting your healing time a lot!

 

2) you said you work out, how often? Make this part of your daily routine. Invest at least 1 hour of your time into getting your blood pumping. Running is probably best. Sports...anything physical that's challenging. IN TIME (few weeks/months) your mental strength and stability will improve.

 

3) how is your diet? Make sure it's full of healthy foods (fruits/veggies)l. Stay away from fast food/soda etc....those will simply make you miserable by default.

 

4) mental diversion. You can't control thoughts that come to your head, but you can control what you do with them. When thoughts of him come up, deflect them, divert your mind to something you enjoy/something peaceful. Remember, if you allow the thoughts to flourish and sustain, it will be a downward spiral and never ending. THOUGHTS and your mental process can easily sabotage your healing. After that it's all about consistency and practice. IN TIME, the thoughts will disappear and go away as fast as they come.

 

Hope that helps, Good luck

[jex24]

Sounds like you don't really want to get over him. Possibly thinking everything you do would be better with him rather with anyone else or by yourself. Maybe consider trying not to worry so much about finding someone. Can't tell you not to hold to someone but that is what your doing. Hate to say it but sometime it takes a figurative slap in the face from the person you can't let go in order to move on.

 

You're right and I do put a lot of emphasis on being with someone. Probably making myself that much more stressed too

[jex24]

You are not ready for dating. Don't even think about that yet.

 

There is # of things that might be an issue or preventing you from healing completely.

 

1) you said you are in no contact, is this the case? Without NC....forget it. You will never heal. I assume LC means low contact......that's a no go. ANY contact with ex = reset of your healing time as well. I have a feeling you have been resetting your healing time a lot!

 

2) you said you work out, how often? Make this part of your daily routine. Invest at least 1 hour of your time into getting your blood pumping. Running is probably best. Sports...anything physical that's challenging. IN TIME (few weeks/months) your mental strength and stability will improve.

 

3) how is your diet? Make sure it's full of healthy foods (fruits/veggies)l. Stay away from fast food/soda etc....those will simply make you miserable by default.

 

4) mental diversion. You can't control thoughts that come to your head, but you can control what you do with them. When thoughts of him come up, deflect them, divert your mind to something you enjoy/something peaceful. Remember, if you allow the thoughts to flourish and sustain, it will be a downward spiral and never ending. THOUGHTS and your mental process can easily sabotage your healing. After that it's all about consistency and practice. IN TIME, the thoughts will disappear and go away as fast as they come.

 

Hope that helps, Good luck

 

 

I was complete NC for a year- blocked his number, changed gyms (we used to go together), the whole 180. We've been back in contact since Sept (he reached out). But I am strongly considering going NC again b/c I just can't take it anymore.

 

I think the mental diversion is the hardest. That's my problem, I dwell and I think and I overanalyze. I'm like that with everything, but since this situation is so overwhelming it tends to get the better of me. It's just SO tough not to think about it.

 

Thank you for the advice, it does help

[Brokenheart99]

I think it's a combo of you're still in contact with him, you know he's out there so you always have that hope, and you don't want to move on either. I understand that too. Because I'm kinda the same. It's hard to give up hope and shut the door completely when they are still single and its a possibility for you two. Luckily(unluckily for me atm), my exes got engaged so they shut the door for me and that gave me the push and figurative slap in the face to move on, or begin to. Bc it ended hope. In your case, it seems like that hasn't happened. And so you hold on. Sometimes we need to close those doors ourselves.

[jex24]

I think it's a combo of you're still in contact with him, you know he's out there so you always have that hope, and you don't want to move on either. I understand that too. Because I'm kinda the same. It's hard to give up hope and shut the door completely when they are still single and its a possibility for you two. Luckily(unluckily for me atm), my exes got engaged so they shut the door for me and that gave me the push and figurative slap in the face to move on, or begin to. Bc it ended hope. In your case, it seems like that hasn't happened. And so you hold on. Sometimes we need to close those doors ourselves.

 

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow to talk about things and I'm going to end contact with him from there. I blocked him for a year and he eventually got in touch and is still trying to be "friends" with me. Going NC didn't really help me heal, but it's better than him stringing me along. I don't deserve that. But you're right. I think it's time I shut that door once and for all. I really do want to move on from this, I've lost enough of my life to it. It's just been incredibly hard to do so. I've never felt this way about anyone EVER.

[Allycat780]

I think it's time I shut that door once and for all. I really do want to move on from this, I've lost enough of my life to it. It's just been incredibly hard to do so. I've never felt this way about anyone EVER.

 

This is so applicable to me....except I got the push and the figurative slap when he left me for someone else. I gave so much and I feel so lost. Jex24 you are doing the right thing to close the door. You will find someone who lover and respects you to the point you won't have to guess. We have lost a lot of our happiness to these guys and we need to rebuild. Just take baby steps...for me my focus is one hour at a time. Anything more than that is too overwhelming. Stay strong!

[boltnrun]

Please do not sleep with him. Don't even kiss him.

 

Why are you two getting together to "talk"? Talk about what?

[jex24]

I think it's time I shut that door once and for all. I really do want to move on from this, I've lost enough of my life to it. It's just been incredibly hard to do so. I've never felt this way about anyone EVER.

 

This is so applicable to me....except I got the push and the figurative slap when he left me for someone else. I gave so much and I feel so lost. Jex24 you are doing the right thing to close the door. You will find someone who lover and respects you to the point you won't have to guess. We have lost a lot of our happiness to these guys and we need to rebuild. Just take baby steps...for me my focus is one hour at a time. Anything more than that is too overwhelming. Stay strong!

 

Thank you for your input. I think it's time I give myself the figurative slap and end this because he'll always be around giving me false hope. He was in a relationship with someone last year, and even then he couldn't let me go. We spoke regularly and hung out despite him being with her. She hated that he was still in touch with me, but refused to cut contact with me. They've been long broken up now but he was seeing someone else a few months ago and never even mentioned her to me.

 

It's so hard letting go of someone you love so much and saw yourself building a future with. He doesn't want to be with me, but he doesn't exactly want to let me go either. I deserve so much more. I just need to have the balls to tell him to F off- and that's the hard part.

 

Thanks Allycat. Stay strong too...one hour at a time. I'm right here with you.

[jex24]

Please do not sleep with him. Don't even kiss him.

 

Why are you two getting together to "talk"? Talk about what?

 

No no definitely not sleeping with him or anything. We're supposed to get together because I just need to air my grievances, get some answers, and get closure. I sent him some pretty nasty drunk texts on NYE and he was upset that I felt so angry about things...Told me he'd do whatever he needs to do to make me happy. So I said let's talk- put everything on the table. I just have a lot of things I need to say to him. I'm at my breaking point with this.

[SAButterfly]

jex, I know what you're going through. It's so very hard for me to move on from someone I really loved, but the fact that you still texting him and wanting to meet up with him to even "air grievances" is proof that you're not ready to let go. That's why you haven't moved on yet. The only way that you will be able to fully move on is to really stop talking to him, stop seeing him. You said that you went NC for a period of time, but did you ruminate about him? That means you haven't really been in NC. You have to really believe that there is someone better out there for you and let go of any hope that you two will work things out. Focus on yourself and what it will take to open yourself up to someone new who will make the better partner for you. That's the hardest part for me- letting go the hope. Good luck!

[jex24]

jex, I know what you're going through. It's so very hard for me to move on from someone I really loved, but the fact that you still texting him and wanting to meet up with him to even "air grievances" is proof that you're not ready to let go. That's why you haven't moved on yet. The only way that you will be able to fully move on is to really stop talking to him, stop seeing him. You said that you went NC for a period of time, but did you ruminate about him? That means you haven't really been in NC. You have to really believe that there is someone better out there for you and let go of any hope that you two will work things out. Focus on yourself and what it will take to open yourself up to someone new who will make the better partner for you. That's the hardest part for me- letting go the hope. Good luck!

 

Thank you for understanding. I did go full NC for about a year (blocked his number and everything). Even though he was fully out of my life for that period of time, I still thought about him every single day. It was definitely hard on me having him out of my life for that year. My block expired in Aug and I never renewed it- figured I'd never hear from him again. Sure enough, he texted me in Sept and we've been in touch since. I found out later that once he was texting me quite a bit and then eventually realized he was blocked-even then he'd try and reach out periodically hoping for a response. It's not me reaching out, it's ALWAYS him. I guess I need to be the one to cut the cord again but not look back this time- that's the hard part.

[boltnrun]

What do you want from life?

 

Do you want a 25 year non-relationship with this guy? Or do you want a true relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love him, who will commit to you and who will build a life with you?

[jex24]

What do you want from life?

 

Do you want a 25 year non-relationship with this guy? Or do you want a true relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love him, who will commit to you and who will build a life with you?

 

At this moment, I have everything I want in life except a bf.

 

I don't want to continue this road with him if he's going to keep stringing me along. But at the same time, dating seems entirely hopeless. I've been doing my fair share of dating and I can't find what I'm looking for at ALL. I keep on putting myself out there and it's just not happening for me. That's half of my battle right now- my biggest fear is ending up alone or settling for someone because they are "good enough". Not sure what's worse and I just don't know what to do anymore. This all feels so completely hopeless, I just don't know anymore.

[boltnrun]

Right now you're "settling" for someone who you know FOR A FACT will not be anything to you but what he is right now. So, I can't see how this is getting you what you want.

 

Plus, since you won't break this emotional connection to him, you can't give yourself fully to anyone else.

 

How about forgetting about the "talk" (which, if you're honest, is an attempt to give him ONE MORE SHOT at committing to you in a real relationship) and be single for a while until you can trust yourself to stay away from him? And block him again (and mean it this time) so you can move on for real?

 

Otherwise, you can spend the next 25-30 years spinning your wheels with him when he's between girlfriends.

[jex24]

You're 100% right.

 

I know, realistically, if he really wanted to be with me- he would. And I can't keep hoping he'll change. If he hasn't learned better after losing me for a year, he never will. I'm going to block him for good this time. I guess I'll put dating on hold for now too because it's breaking me just as badly.

[catfeeder]

I guess I'll put dating on hold for now too because it's breaking me just as badly.

 

One thing that helped me was to stop framing everything in negative dramatic language that only drilled me deeper into a pit. I mean, sure--it's a helluva lot more difficult to climb my way out of the pit I've talked myself into than to change the habit of the bummer self talk I adopted to keep myself stagnating there.

 

Depression is anger turned inward. The main person who I was angry with was me. It occurred to me that I wasn't doing myself any favors by calling myself 'broken' when I was the one breaking my own spirit with my negative self talk and the expectation that someone would ever want to come along and excite me and heal me. Who in his right mind would want the energy I was putting out?

 

We had a coach at work teach us that it takes 21 days to change a habit and replace it with something else, and that we should keep a list of all the habits we want to change rather than attempt to change more than one thing at a time. So the first thing I focused on was changing the critical voice I ran in my head from the harsh judge and jury to a more gentle and encouraging coach.

 

It changed everything for me, and it gave me the motivation to make a goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from heartbreak. So consider why you'd allow some clown to rob you of the ability to enjoy your own life?

 

At what point do you decide that Mr. Wonderful isn't all you've cracked him up to be? You can keep yourself miserable if you want to, it's not against the law--but if your goal is to liberate yourself from such a focus, consider starting with the language you use to frame it and what payoff you get from that.

 

Write more if it helps, and we're here for you.

 

Head high.

[boltnrun]

Agree 100% catfeeder.

 

If I tell myself I'm a damaged loser who no one would ever want to date...then I am one.

 

If I tell myself that I need to hold on to someone who clearly doesn't love me because I will never find anyone else...well, guess what? I did that, not him.

 

How about we say "I love myself too much to give myself to someone who isn't ever going to give back" ?

[jex24]

You make so much sense.

 

But for me, it's not so much that I'm negative about myself. I definitely have a good sense of what I'm worth, what I have to offer, and what I have to deserve. It's more so that I'm negative and dramatic about my current situation- a mix of not getting over my ex, getting led on by my ex, and not having any success with dating. It's hard not to when it's been going on for so long. I keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel but I still haven't come close.

 

But I agree, I need to be kinder to myself regarding my current situation- maybe not putting so much emphasis on finding someone and the bad luck I've been having with it. I'm naturally a very pessimistic person, so it's always a challenge for me. I've been trying to redirect those negative thoughts today. I'm working on planning a weekend trip in February too- I thin having something fun in the near future will help give me something to look forward to. I'm trying my best not to think about him but it's really hard. I cared so deeply about him. We used to talk about getting married, having a family, and dogs, and I truly believed we would have those things together.

 

We never ended up meeting tonight to talk, and I think that was the last straw for me. He pretty much blew me off. I'm sure I'll get some lame excuse in the morning as to what happened, but it doesn't mean anything. But point of the matter is, he didn't care enough to follow through. I think it's time to block his number and never look back. I deserve so much more than this. I'm just so hurt right now.

[catfeeder]

You make so much sense.

 

But for me,

 

The 'but' means, "...I'm not listening to a word you've said because my kneejerk reaction is to tell myself how difficult this must be...because..."

 

Consider that you've spent a year brainwashing yourself--and the good news about that is--you can undo what you've done.

 

It's natural that your impulse is to resist new suggestions and defend the misery you're comfortable with, but your self-imposed 'because' loop is exactly what's keeping you paralyzed. And defending it only reinforces your belief in it.

 

None of this invalides your pain or diminishes your experience. Just the opposite. It validates your ability to learn from your experience so that you don't keep doing the same things that do not work.

 

Your year taught you that your old way doesn't work. So when you are ready, try something else.

 

What if moving past this guy really doesn't 'need' be be as difficult as you've convinced yourself?

 

Give it some thought. When you're ready, consider talking yourself OUT of what you've been talking yourself into--and consider the possibility that it could be easier than you think.

 

You just might thank yourself later for having an open mind about this today.

[boltnrun]

I know you won't believe it, but he actually did yoiu a favor by "blowing you off" tonight.

 

You ran the risk of totally humiliating yourself tonight. You would have wanted to know "why, why, why???". You would have apologized for SOMETHING in the hope he would say it was ok and that he wanted to keep seeing you. You may have even agreed to seeing him on a casual basis just to keep him in your life. All of which would have hurt you more than you're hurting now.

 

Please, please resist the temptation to text him with an apology or to tell him how hurt you are. I bet you've thought about it, but please don't.

 

It's ok to cry, but not to him.

[Ms Darcy]

Honey, you haven't moved on at all. You are still looking for closure from your EX.

 

I certainly hope that you realize that is not healthy for you at all. I would have been surprised if he did meet up with you after the angry texts. I think he's keeping you on the backburner, not because he would ever get back with you but for the ego boost.

 

Because you haven't been willing to let go of the hope of being together, you can't move on. NC is a tool for healing, not the only means for healing. That's your starting point. You might consider going back to therapy. Even consider journaling about what kind of relationship you would like to have in the future.

[jex24]

Catfeeder- I'm not sure what you mean, can you explain further? I acknowledged that I need to change my outlook on my situation. Maybe I'm not understanding?

 

Boltnrun- You're right. It would have probably gone the same way it always goes: I'd tell him why I'm pissed and then he gives me BS reasons that don't make sense. I still feel crappy and nothing comes from it. I don't have anything to apologize to him for, I just needed some answers and to tell him why I was so angry. I was going to end things either way, but I guess this was the extra push.

 

Ms Darcy-No I haven't moved on at all and I know it's so unhealthy. I was NC for almost a year and it was a little better I suppose, but I was not even close to healed. I still thought about him every day, held on to hope, and cried on occasion. But I'm going to try it again and hope this time will be better (and make sure it's for good). Not sure I'll return to therapy though, I was going for about 7-8 months and even the therapist told me there wasn't much she can do to help me. I do keep a journal and I know what kind of relationship I want to have in the future, I just haven't been having much luck finding it.

 

I'm doing my best and hanging in there. It just feels terrible. I'm so sad. I really appreciate everyone's input

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder- I'm not sure what you mean, can you explain further? I acknowledged that I need to change my outlook on my situation. Maybe I'm not understanding?

 

Just observing that you acknowledge that you want to change your outlook but then launch straight into all your reasons for not changing it.

 

That's not how to change it.

 

The problem with defending any behaviors you don't want is that the defense only reinforces the behavior.

 

We get that you're unhappy and we get why. You no longer need to describe the problem and reinforce it with dramatic terms like 'broken'--that's what keeps you stuck. That's the stuff you walk around with all day and keep telling yourself in order to kill you own joy. Nothing can lift you up when you do that. It's no mystery.

 

So change your language and it will change your vision.

 

Take some time. Consider that this guy knows that you're relationship material, and you know that he is not. Tell him this, and tell him that you adore him, but you don't want him to contact you unless his position changes. If he ever decides that he wants the same kind of relationship that you want, he can let you know. Otherwise, you wish him well but don't want to hear from him again.

 

From there, it's all on him and you're free to stop dwelling on him.

 

Consider writing a list of all the positive reasons you want to move forward. Envision the kind of love and compatibility and simpatico you want to find with someone someday. Take an inventory of the qualities you love about yourself and and your life, and envision how you want to feel about those things. Plan how you will get there.

 

If writing here can inspire you, do that. Transform this place from a tool for dwelling where you do NOT want to be into a platform for getting yourself where you DO want to be. If reading and responding to the posts of others can help, try that. You may find that helping the next person inspires you to start thinking and living in ways that you would hope for them.

 

Head high.