mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 My ex's is ridiculously disrespectful to me and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Talking to my ex gets me nowhere because he either says it's not happening or its deserved because of arguments her and I have had in the past. I am not asking to be her friend. I'm asking for there to be civility and respect when it's necessary to see or talk to her for my kids. Every text sent, even if it's something as simple as what time a Dr's apt may be, has to be a group text including her. Bigger issues, she feels the need to not just give her opinion but to attack and degrade me. I just dropped my kids off to their house, she was the one that came to the door. She literally ripped my son's book bag from my hand and threw it in the floor before grabbing my 1 year Olds arm and pulling him in the house (not harshly) and then slamming the door in my face before I could finish telling my son I love him and to have a good night. This happens at every drop off and pick up. I have asked for my ex to be the one I exchange the kids with, but that's not happening. She thinks because she is involved in my kids life that everything needs to be consulted with her. Which I wouldn't have an issue with if she were respectful but the smallest things lead to her yelling at me or insulting me. My concern is that my children are seeing this. Something as simple as her shutting the door before I can finish a sentence could send a negative message to my children. If my older son goes against her at all, it's automatically because I talk to bad about her to him, which I dont. But that's what they assume. She went as far as to literally rip an agreement I had drawn up for my ex to sign about him taking my kids out of state for a vacation, out of my hand and tear it up, because she didn't like the terms that were in it. The terms only stated what day and time the kids would be leaving and would be returning and that I gave permission for them to leave state. I can't handle it anymore. Now I won't say I'm completely innocent. Her and I have had arguments before. She's overstepped, and I've said something about it. But never have I just blatantly disrespected her in front of the children. I'd honestly like for her to just stay out of things when it comes to communication unless an emergency arises and my ex is unavailable. I've asked for that and now what I'm getting is doors slammed in my face. And my ex is no better. There cannot be a civil conversation about the kids without him getting angry and insulting me, my family, or my parenting. Right down to what I cook for dinner. I'm a bad mother because twice a month I treat my kids to a happy meal. That's me buying their love. This woman went so far as to call CPS on me because my son sustained a burn from spilling soup on himself. It was a total accident. My son is 5 and was able to even say that he had tipped over a bowl onto himself. It was a minor burn requiring minimal first aid. CPS investigated and it came back unfounded and even the CPS workers said they see no reason to believe my children are mistreated and that this woman must just be out to get me. I don't know what to do. I wish my ex would have a civil and productive conversation with me and ask her to be respectful but he wont. I don't know where to turn and every move I make I'm afraid she's going to find some reason to attack me or call the authorities again. Not that they would find something but it's unnecessary hassle and my children do not need to go through being questioned by CPS workers again simply because she doesn't like me. I'm losing my mind with this. What can I do? Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's not a legal matter. Custody is set. She is not abusive to my children. The fact that she's disrespectful to me is nothing that the courts care about. The most I can do is get a refrain from order, which I've already been told by my lawyer may not even be granted because she is not family and has not committed a crime. She would need to physically assault or threaten me. And even a refrain from only states that she cannot call me names or raise her voice to me. Link to comment
VintageGinger9 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Eek. That sounds terrible, I'm sorry you're going through that. Next time you talk to your ex, try to calmly present your case: she's showing our children bad behavior. He shouldn't want that as much as you don't. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's not a legal matter. Custody is set. She is not abusive to my children. The fact that she's disrespectful to me is nothing that the courts care about. The most I can do is get a refrain from order, which I've already been told by my lawyer may not even be granted because she is not family and has not committed a crime. She would need to physically assault or threaten me. And even a refrain from only states that she cannot call me names or raise her voice to me.I apologize for misreading. I thought you'd mentioned she was ripping your kid's backpack from him and not from you. Looks like you're facing the same problem many divorced parents experience with their ex's new partners: they can be ***holes. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you still involved with her ex-husband? I know for her that's kind of hypocritical she takes your husband but she could be ticked off if you're still with her ex-husband? Because it seems she was all right before that happened. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 I've tried this and he blames me. She wouldn't be rude if you hadn't been in the past. Or he says oh well because I have disrespected her in front of them. Which I havent. But as soon as my son so much as disobeys something she says that's what they assume. When in reality I'm the one telling my son he needs to listen to and respect her just as he should any adult. I've gone so far as to tell my son that it is OK to be her friend and that I am her friend also and that he shouldn't feel that I'd be upset or anything of the sort if he has a good relationship with her. But they claim I don't do this and I just trash talk her to my 5 year old. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you still involved with her ex-husband? I know for her that's kind of hypocritical she takes your husband but she could be ticked off if you're still with her ex-husband? Because it seems she was all right before that happened. No I am not. Because of her actually. She basically made his life hell over it and he backed out. Not sure what her deal is now. But that basically started it I believe. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Well then you know what her deal is. I'm not saying she's right at all but you know when it started and you know why it started. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Regardless of why she's mad at me... Me dating her ex 2 years after she left him, has nothing to do with the kids. All I want is civil interaction when we are forced to see each other. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 That may be but I don't think she's going to give it to you. So maybe send somebody else as a go-between with the kids. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 In California you can easily have drop offs changed so that it is only the ex spouse who picks up and receives the children. It is done all of the time. Check into that. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Would it help if you took another adult with you when you have to go to her house? Would she be less abrasive then? Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 I'm in NY. I can state that the children can only be dropped off to or picked up from an agreed upon party. Only issue there is that when I drop the kids off, he is at work. He refuses to look into other child care since she is home and doesn't work. Custody dots can't really be changed due to my work schedule. Also, it's even the rude texts, get being rude to me when we're at school functions for my son and things like that. She finds a way. She has called my job before. She always finds a way to get to me. The only thing that gets her off my back for at least a little while is when I tell her "I've asked you to stop texting me, one more text is grounds for a harassment charge ." Then she'll stop but only until the next issue arises that she thinks is her business. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Would it help if you took another adult with you when you have to go to her house? Would she be less abrasive then? I'm limited there because on the day that I have to drop them off to her, it's on my way to work. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 If you told her in an email or a text that you don't want any communication with her unless it concerns logistics, then she continues to text you, you have proof that you asked her to stop and she didn't. You've also got documentation of her false CPS report, so if she does it again, you can maybe talk to the CPS people about what to do if a person keeps filing false reports on you. Couldn't you then get her charged with harassment? You could also say goodbye to the kids in the car, then just see them to the door and be on your way. Do whatever you can to come across as a calm and classy person - the kids might not realize it yet, but soon enough they'll see that she is being unreasonable and rude and that you are taking the high road. Silver lining - your ex found a woman who wants to really be involved in your kids' lives. Even if she is unpleasant to you, it sounds like she tries to take care of the kids. You could hire a PI and see if they can dig up anything that suggests she's unfit to be around your children maybe? Otherwise, it seems you are just going to have to find a way to be zen about this idiot. I'm sorry, this sounds like such a stressful situation to be in. What are you doing to handle your stress over this? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I wouldn't make this about me, I'd make it about the experience of the transition for the kids and discuss it with my lawyer. The courts CAN assign a go-between when the parents can't get along, and that's your issue. Your lawyer is the one who can answer how to enforce a kinder and gentler transition for your kids, and the woman's hostility toward you ~in front of your children~ is a valid reason to pursue a legal avenue. Otherwise, we can sympathize, but no armies are available to help you make her any nicer. Link to comment
Lightattheend1 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this. Obviously your children come first and should be the number one priority. Yes...seems you need a lawyer. I would get a new agreement written up that only your ex need participate in drop offs and puck uos...at a neutral location. I would also email anything either to your lawyer o rhis lawyer or him. It is a shame things are this way. I know it's hard but I would always maintain calm and cheerful...no matter what. Your children are your happiness. Just smile and be glad your ex has found such an amazing mate. (Kidding.) Link to comment
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