We're exclusive but he doesn't call/text every day. Is that normal?

[missy1114]

I've been casually seeing a guy I met off of a dating app for about 3 months. He and I are both 23 years old and we're both busy students and we go to different colleges, but we live about 30 minutes from each other. About a week ago, I initiated the "what are we" conversation with him and he said he hasn't been seeing anyone and he wants to be exclusive. Prior to this, we were seeing each other about once a week, we texted maybe every 2-3 days. He was slow with responding to texts and he never called me. Our communication was mainly to set up dates. We still haven't been intimate yet but I have spent time at his place a couple of times and met his roommates.

 

I'm used to having guys texting or calling me on a daily basis. Therefore, after the exclusive talk, I told him that it's nice to hear from him everyday and asked how often he would like to communicate. He said that he's fine with texting anytime and we can try to talk on the phone every other day. The following week, he was on his holiday break while I had to work. I ended up initiating text and phone call the first two days. His texting speed has improved but he still doesn't initiate much. Then I let him take his turn, but he didn't text or call me at all for two days straight. I know he was busy with Christmas Eve parties but it was still weird. It made me feel like he didn't care enough to talk to me or he didn't think about me at all. Am I overreacting in this situation or does it all sound normal in this early relationship?

[mhowe]

You are busy students. You are in college. Live your life.

 

What do you need to be in constant communication for? Texting IS to set up dates! Not a way to have deep meaningful conversations.

 

You are used to guys who are either bored to tears with their own lives, or who have codependency issues. And expecting him to be leashed to his phone over the Christmas holiday when you have just started dating is unreasonable.

 

His level of communication appears normal. Yours appears needy.

[j.man]

I'm used to having guys texting or calling me on a daily basis.

Just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

 

It takes me a long time before I start considering a daily quota. Sometimes I travel for a month at a time and I might miss a day getting in touch with my girlfriend. She understands I'm busy and fortunately she has her own life to keep herself busy as well. And we've been exclusive much longer than a week.

 

Deciding to be exclusive simply means just that. It's not some kind of switch you flip to make you two co-dependent.

[Tom1990]

Everybody's different. My last gf texted or FB-messaged me constantly, every day. I thought it was because she liked hearing from me and sharing her life. It turned out she was just doing it because we were dating. I've concluded that daily communication isn't my thing. Sounds like it isn't your guy's thing, either.

[bluewaters]

In this case, I'd go with his preference and not talk every other day. Some guys aren't huge talkers - even some girls. I'm not; I hate talking on the phone for any time longer than a few minutes. Take that as part of who he is. In fact, don't text or call or email him for a couple of days or even a few and see what happens. He'll start missing you (theoretically) and you'll hear from him. It's not about playing hard to get, or playing games. It's about being your own person and living your life, and having a life that he will fit into; not making one around him. Make him chase you a little bit, and make him appreciate what he has! Let him miss you for a bit. Live your life and have fun in college and the rest will follow. College only lasts a few years and it is the best time of your life; don't hyperanalyze over a certain guy (even if you're exclusive) and let the great stuff pass you by. Sounds to me like he wants to pace things, which is GOOD.

[Sportster2005]

There's no such thing as normal. Some people like, and do, keep in touch daily. Some people might be O.K with once a week. Then there are some way out on the bell curve that like to text all day, and some that text once every two weeks to set up dates, or send a grocery list. Point is everyone is different, not normal.

 

He agreed to daily, but is not maintaining that commitment. You can address that and see if you can come to a compromise. At the end of the day if you can't agree on communication, you're not a good match communication wise. If it's a deal breaker find someone more suited to your style.

[missy1114]

I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time?

[j.man]

There's no such thing as normal. Some people like, and do, keep in touch daily. Some people might be O.K with once a week. Then there are some way out on the bell curve that like to text all day, and some that text once every two weeks to set up dates, or send a grocery list. Point is everyone is different, not normal.

 

He agreed to daily, but is not maintaining that commitment. You can address that and see if you can come to a compromise. At the end of the day if you can't agree on communication, you're not a good match communication wise. If it's a deal breaker find someone more suited to your style.

Says there's no such thing as normal.

Cites the bell curve model... aka "normal distribution."

 

It is worth noting that while "normal" certainly does exist, it isn't meant to be used interchangeably with "right."

[mhowe]

I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time?

 

He can't miss you if he talks to you everyday.

 

Don't expect HIM to be YOU. He is busy living his college life, studying, hanging with friends and looking forward to BEING WITH you.....not texting or calling for "quantity time".

[Ms Darcy]

I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time?

 

Missy, those guys who you did all that texting with everyday ... are they still in your life? Nope. You aren't dating them. You are dating this guy.

 

Maybe you should get to know THIS guy. From what you have told us, he didn't commit to initiating contact with you every day nor did he commit to taking turns. He said he was fine with texting anytime and talking every two days. You would need to ask him how often he would/could REACH OUT to you, because that's different from response time. And then you have to give him room to transition to that pace.

 

But overall, I think the thing young girls don't get about relationships (and men because this is who you are dating) is that it is best to give them the gift of missing you when they are first getting to know you. That, in addition to fun dates, is how attachment is formed.

[missmarple]

I have a different opinion to the rest of the posters. Personally, when I'm with someone (we're not talking having been on a couple of dates but if I keep seeing him for 3 months like you have), I'm also used to them calling or texting, if not daily, at least every other day.

Sure, if someone was very busy, it might make sense not hearing from them in 2 days...but he was on his holiday break + you had already told him you'd like to communicate more often + you had already texted and called him yourself.

2 guesses: he's not that much into you or he may have suggested dating exclusively but dating means something different to him than it does to you...because seeing one another once a week and no communication between dates can hardly lead to anything meaningful.

[reinventmyself]

Though you may not be seeing others at this time, you are still just dating.

You haven't even been intimate yet. I would be careful calling this a `relationship'

He is showing you who he is and his level of communicating is different then yours. Nothing wrong, just different.

I understand you would probably like more contact but that's either not where he's at or in his comfort zone.

I would relax, dial back, get busy with your life and manage your expectations.

If in the end you need someone more communicative, he may not be the guy for you.

Time will tell.

[bikl13]

I love daily communication. Sharing articles, asking simple questions, saying goodnight, whatever. Mostly chit-chat. I get your point of view though. I always find time to text my gf, regardless of what I'm doing, and I expect to hear from her at least once a day as well (That being a ''goodnight'' from her). Always helps you sleep a bit better.

But not everybody are like this..Most grown-ups like those above hate like that. Either call or meet-up, right?

But texting is also easy.. So why doesn't he? Well, probably because he has that mentality just mentioned, so he doesn't feel the need to text you very often. Just throw in a goodnight text if you want to reassure he's well and alive. Nothing else to do, really.

[Batya33]

I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time?

 

It's natural to want to talk to someone but we don't always act on that if the other person is busy/not much of a phone person/needs space from you and/or everyone, etc. It's good to miss each other, to have space, to come back together and have lots of anecdotes to share. My husband is in touch with me every day when he is away -if he can be - because we're married and have a young child. When we were dating long distance we both enjoyed nightly phone calls but it was not out of obligation. We often emailed once a day or more too. I did not need to hear from him as reassurance of his level of interest and vice versa. With one exception -there was one time in our 3 years of dating he was unusually out of touch for 8 hours and I worried (needlessly it tuned out).

 

You must differentiate needing/wanting on the one hand and acting on that need/want on the other hand. I was terrified to send my then 3 year old to pre-school -I wanted him home with me, safe, learning from me -but I knew he had to spread his wings a bit, socialize with his peers etc. When you love someone, set them free -don't obligate him to check in every day to prove that he misses you.

[missy1114]

Thank you all for your response. I ended up spending NYE by myself, not with him. He already had prior arrangement with his friends back home (before we became official) so I guess I can't blame him too much. But he did text me today and we exchanged a few texts. Besides the lack of communications in between dates, there are a few other things that I thought are red flags. Let me know what you think:

 

1. He doesn't want to put our relationship status on Facebook (he said he also didn't do this with any of his exes)

 

2. He said he doesn't really introduce any of his gf's to his family because most of them ended up being short-term. He has only brought one girl home because she ended up dating him for about 6 months

 

3. He seems hesitant about me meeting his friends. When we go out in public and run into his classmates, he doesn't introduce me. However, I have met his roommates who are also in his class.

 

Other than these things, he seems to treat me well. Always offers to pay on dates (but I have offered to pay for him as well), drove back 3 hours to visit me during his break, never pushes me for sex as I'm not the type who would hook up with guys early on.

[mhowe]

1. He doesn't love for FB...how refreshing.

2. You haven't passes the six month test....that fine.

3. Introduce yourself...by name. Not "I'm his girlfriend"

[missmarple]

1. He doesn't want to put our relationship status on Facebook (he said he also didn't do this with any of his exes)

 

2. He said he doesn't really introduce any of his gf's to his family because most of them ended up being short-term. He has only brought one girl home because she ended up dating him for about 6 months

 

3. He seems hesitant about me meeting his friends. When we go out in public and run into his classmates, he doesn't introduce me. However, I have met his roommates who are also in his class.

 

1. If he's the type of person who only uses f/b once in a blue moon (like I do), I wouldn't consider that a red flag. If, on the other hand, he uses it daily and 'reports' his life to the world, I would wonder why he doesn't want to mention he has a g/f.

 

2. This one I find normal as I do it, too. I only introduce partners to family when we've been dating for, at least, 6 months.

 

3. Tricky. Do his roommates know you're his g/f? Have you been out with his friends? Most men I've been with couldn't wait to introduce me to their friends.