Advice on communicating with male friends.

[Lauren8785]

Hello All,

 

Would like some advice about men and how they communicate please, thanks. I have a few good guy friends that I talk to regularly and hang out with at times. Whenever I feel upset about something I will vent to one of them and they listen and all, but I've noticed that my male friends don't seem to say much after I've told them what's going on with me. Usually, they will say one word responses. When they do that it makes me feel like they don't care and lack being compassionate. I'm not sure if that's just how some guys are? Or maybe, they don't know what else to say to what I've told them? Not sure, but it does hurt cause it would be nice to hear words of compassion. Instead of just "Oh sorry to hear that" or "Awesome" or "Nice" depending on what I've told them. Should I take it personally if they don't say much about what I've told them? Or just accept that maybe that's just how my male friends are and it doesn't mean that they don't care? They are great guy friends I am very blessed to call them my friends. I'm just so confused on how men communicate. It certainly isn't like chatting with my girlfriends, LOL...that's for sure. I vent to my male friends because I'd like their advice or perspective on things as well.

[j.man]

Generally speaking, men are friends of hobby. We get together and do ****. It's a big reason we're relatively drama free in friendships, which is a huge reason why a lot of women seek out guy friends. No, we're not really all that interested in how your day went. It's hard enough bearing it with the women we're seeing, much less those we're simply friends with.

 

There are of course exceptions to every rule and you might well be able to find a male who listens, but chances are that if you have a guy friend who genuinely does make an effort to listen to your mundane daily accounts or complaints, he's just trying to get into your pants.

[mhowe]

Guys don't do "vents". From anyone.

 

Make some girlfriends, talk to your mom, sister, female cousins or aunts.

 

They will not deal with this for long before they start avoiding you.

[lukeb]

The simple answer is that yes this is how they are and it doesn't mean they don't care. I do think that in most cases the stereotypes about men are true, or at least the men I hang out with. There won't be much of a discussion unless they can offer something constructive or advice on how to approach something. I can't really say too much about about the male/female dynamic most of my friends are guys. I do have some female friends of course but generally speaking there isn't all that much interaction as a group. We don't generally do all that much venting among one another, usually the activity is centered around an activity. For the times when there is something going on such as a death, divorce or illness, whatever, the talk still is dominated around details and less around exploration of feelings. We want to know what is going on, and that is pretty much the extent of it. The showing of concern is wanting to know what is going on and expressing that sometimes one of the other guys have also gone through the same thing.

[Lauren8785]

Guys don't do "vents". From anyone.

 

Make some girlfriends, talk to your mom, sister, female cousins or aunts.

 

They will not deal with this for long before they start avoiding you.

 

My guy friends told me they don't mind me venting to them and told me I can talk to them about anything. I have plenty of girlfriends to talk to, including my mom and sisters, but like I said I like to get my male friends input as well.

[mhowe]

In short...don't pretend your guy friends want to be your "women friends". They don't and they will soon be eyeing the door.

[mhowe]

Then they either are wanting to get closer to yo...hence their non responses...or they are gay and are reacting more like your women friends in their emotional responses. And given their responses...they are tuning you out and hoping to get in your pants.

[Lauren8785]

Then they either are wanting to get closer to yo...hence their non responses...or they are gay and are reacting more like your women friends in their emotional responses. And given their responses...they are tuning you out and hoping to get in your pants.

 

LOL...Nah, I don't think my male friends like me like that anyway. None of them have been disrespectful towards me in an inappropriate manner nor ever hinted at liking me as more than a friend, we're just good friends. They're the ones who usually contact me first all the time. Asking me how my day went or inviting me to come hang out. If they ask how my day went (if I have a bad day) that's when I am venting to them about it and get their one word responses.

[Lauren8785]

In short...don't pretend your guy friends want to be your "women friends". They don't and they will soon be eyeing the door.

 

Very true, I agree with you on this. I can't expect them to act like my girlfriends would, guys are just not like that are they? With showing support or expressing empathy/sympathy?

[j.man]

My guy friends told me they don't mind me venting to them and told me I can talk to them about anything. I have plenty of girlfriends to talk to, including my mom and sisters, but like I said I like to get my male friends input as well.

What... they just out of the blue told you that you could tell them anything? Or was it a nonchalant answer to you asking them, "Can I tell you something?"

 

I will tell you what they don't seem to be willing to tell you directly but are still being abundantly clear of with their actions: We don't care.

 

Lukeb might be a better person than me, but I'll be honest... unless you and I are getting down and dirty between the sheets, I don't care. I have a day-to-day life just like you do, and I have problems just like you do. When I hang out with friends, it's so that I can do things that aren't related to those problems. I'm capable of internalizing and dealing with any of my issues myself and don't want to deal with someone else's on top of it. For better or worse, that's how we're raised, whereas women are much more encouraged to share.

 

Not at all saying it's wrong for you to vent to people, but that guy friends are not gonna be the eager sponge a female friend or relative might be.

 

Again, if you do find a guy who's all ears and eyes while you're venting to him, tread very carefully unless you're attracted to him.

[mhowe]

Jman...will you marry me?

[rosephase]

I don't believe it's as strongly gendered as other posters. I do think you should pick who you talk to about your life issues. If some of your friends don't give you the support you want, either talk to other people who meet your needs, or talk to your friend directly about what you would like from them. Some people aren't comfortable giving advice or input. Some people get support just from being listened to. How you personally feel supported by a friend, a family member or a romantic partner can vary a lot from person to person.

 

I have different people in my life that I reach out to when I need different kinds of support. Sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Sometimes I need a kind ear. Sometimes I need to hang out and forget about my stress. Sometimes I need actual advice. Knowing what you need in the way of support can really help you figure out who you can lean on. And remember that you are leaning on them and make sure these aren't one sided relationships where they support you and you just lean.

[Lauren8785]

What... they just out of the blue told you that you could tell them anything? Or was it a nonchalant answer to you asking them, "Can I tell you something?"

 

I will tell you what they don't seem to be willing to tell you directly but are still being abundantly clear of with their actions: We don't care.

 

Lukeb might be a better person than me, but I'll be honest... unless you and I are getting down and dirty between the sheets, I don't care. I have a day-to-day life just like you do, and I have problems just like you do. When I hang out with friends, it's so that I can do things that aren't related to those problems. I'm capable of internalizing and dealing with any of my issues myself and don't want to deal with someone else's on top of it. For better or worse, that's how we're raised, whereas women are much more encouraged to share.

 

Not at all saying it's wrong for you to vent to people, but that guy friends are not gonna be the eager sponge a female friend or relative might be.

 

Again, if you do find a guy who's all ears and eyes while you're venting to him, tread very carefully unless you're attracted to him.

 

Thank you for being honest, I appreciate that ! Yeah, if my male friends ask me about my day and it's a bad one then I will vent to them about it and they said they're cool with me venting to them about what's going on with me. Perhaps, you're right maybe they don't care hence their one worded responses, but it would seem like they do care cause I don't think they would bother to ask about my day to begin with, if they didn't care at all, I don't know, lol...seems kind of confusing to me. Yeah I agree with you on this, "Not at all saying it's wrong for you to vent to people, but that guy friends are not gonna be the eager sponge a female friend or relative might be."

[j.man]

Jman...will you marry me?

You and Pippy are both tied as my #1 backup if I'm single in 5 years. Just a matter of which of you are as well!

[Lauren8785]

I don't believe it's as strongly gendered as other posters. I do think you should pick who you talk to about your life issues. If some of your friends don't give you the support you want, either talk to other people who meet your needs, or talk to your friend directly about what you would like from them. Some people aren't comfortable giving advice or input. Some people get support just from being listened to. How you personally feel supported by a friend, a family member or a romantic partner can vary a lot from person to person.

 

I have different people in my life that I reach out to when I need different kinds of support. Sometimes I really need a kick in the ass. Sometimes I need a kind ear. Sometimes I need to hang out and forget about my stress. Sometimes I need actual advice. Knowing what you need in the way of support can really help you figure out who you can lean on. And remember that you are leaning on them and make sure these aren't one sided relationships where they support you and you just lean.

 

Thank you for your input it's much appreciated. I totally agree with you and thank you for making a very good point about knowing what I need in means of support and who I can go to for that !

[j.man]

Thank you for being honest, I appreciate that ! Yeah, if my male friends ask me about my day and it's a bad one then I will vent to them about it and they said they're cool with me venting to them about what's going on with me. Perhaps, you're right maybe they don't care hence their one worded responses, but it would seem like they do care cause I don't think they would bother to ask about my day to begin with, if they didn't care at all, I don't know, lol...seems kind of confusing to me. Yeah I agree with you on this, "Not at all saying it's wrong for you to vent to people, but that guy friends are not gonna be the eager sponge a female friend or relative might be."

That one's easy! "How was your day?" is nothing more than "Hey" Part II. Unless you were just diagnosed with cancer or your dad fell off a ladder, the correct answer is and always will be.... "Good."

 

rosephase gave some great advice and is of course right that it's not strictly gender defined, but accepting the generality will ultimately keep you from expecting more than you should from a guy friend.

 

One thing I'd stipulate is that, for the love of Jesus and his baby pet lamb, don't go to your guy friends and tell them what you need from them in terms of support. Stick with who among those you know to be naturally more inclined to deliver whatever it is you need.

[Lauren8785]

That one's easy! "How was your day?" is nothing more than "Hey" Part II. Unless you were just diagnosed with cancer or your dad fell off a ladder, the correct answer is and always will be.... "Good."

 

rosephase gave some great advice and is of course right that it's not strictly gender defined, but accepting the generality will ultimately keep you from expecting more than you should from a guy friend.

 

One thing I'd stipulate is that, for the love of Jesus and his baby pet lamb, don't go to your guy friends and tell them what you need from them in terms of support. Stick with who among those you know to be naturally more inclined to deliver whatever it is you need.

 

LOL...I love how you're so blunt and outspoken J.man and lol@Mhowe asking to marry you!! I appreciate you keeping it real! I just felt like since I consider my male friends good and close friends to me, that I could tell them how I feel and expect some emotional support back cause isn't that what being a friend is all about whether you're male or female is being there for each other? *Smacks head* Then again, maybe men aren't as emotionally supportive as women would be...grr, Man this sucks. lol

[Lauren8785]

I would assume it's a safe bet that men aren't as emotionally supportive towards us lady friends about things as our lady friends would? Guess I can't expect that from them and just be grateful for having good guy friends and having fun when we hang out eh? Man that really sucks. I guess I need a lesson in understaning Men 101, lol.

[j.man]

I would assume it's a safe bet that men aren't as emotionally supportive towards us lady friends about things as our lady friends would? Guess I can't expect that from them and just be grateful for having good guy friends and having fun when we hang out eh? Man that really sucks.

Keep in mind that lack of emotional involvement goes both ways. It might suck that they're not hearing you out on your venting, but they're also a lot less likely to hit you with friendship drama.

[Lauren8785]

Keep in mind that lack of emotional involvement goes both ways. It might suck that they're not hearing you out on your venting, but they're also a lot less likely to hit you with friendship drama.

 

Oh they know I am always there for them too, and they vent to me too about what may have ticked them off during the day and I always show my support or say I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope it gets better for you, etc, etc, then of course me being a woman it's in my nature to be --I don't know how you can say this "correctly"...more caring or expressive when they vent to me whereas they are not as expressive when I vent to them. I know you both said it's not really a gender thing. Maybe that's just how my guy friends are. I remember them telling me they're not very good at communicating well, so maybe it's just the lack of knowing how to express it or not really knowing what to say in response to what I tell them. Now dissecting all of this and getting feedback, it makes me wonder if they do care about me. They must or they wouldn't bother to talk to me at all right? A male won't waste his time on someone he doesn't want to talk to.

[Batya33]

I think in part it's how you define friendship. If a friend is someone you can vent to on a regular basis then you will find people (men and women) who are ok with that and others who simply don't see friendship that way. I don't. If I needed someone to vent to on a regular basis I would find a therapist or a person who wanted to have that role in my life. If you need to vent regularly then I would first exercise/meditate/do yoga/do structured breathing exercises/write in a journal, etc. Be a friend to your friends - sure, call when you need support but don't "vent" - call if you think that person can offer valuable input and make that person understand you are not just calling because you need to vent. Then, on the rare occasions when you just need to vent -when it is a true crisis - sure, go for it. Most of the time your purpose in calling should be to share fun stories, anecdotes, insights, ask for advice (not just vent), give advice, check on how your friend is doing, etc.

 

I don't think this is about gender. You want someone to listen to you vent and then offer sympathetic words. It's kinda one sided and can get kind of boring even if you're ok with others calling you just to vent. See if things change if the reason you call your guy friends 95% of the time is to have a back and forth conversation where you each share what is going on with you and hopefully it is mostly positive/interesting/funny or all of the above.

 

As far as wanting to talk to you -if this is by phone what probably is happening is that when you vent they listen with one ear, no ears, or multitask and figure they'll just be polite and interject "uh huh" when you take a breath.

[DoF]

Not many guys out there will be your friend unless they find you attractive or want you. Which does NOT make them your friends.

 

 

 

They have nothing to say because chances are, they haven't heard anything from you that they really want to hear.

 

: D

[mhowe]

LOL...I love how you're so blunt and outspoken J.man and lol@Mhowe asking to marry you!! I appreciate you keeping it real! I just felt like since I consider my male friends good and close friends to me, that I could tell them how I feel and expect some emotional support back cause isn't that what being a friend is all about whether you're male or female is being there for each other? *Smacks head* Then again, maybe men aren't as emotionally supportive as women would be...grr, Man this sucks. lol

 

Wrong! I have a 20 yr guy friendship...been to both of his weddings. And he will pull me up short...or support me, as the situation fits. But that is the exception to the rule.

[Lauren8785]

I think in part it's how you define friendship. If a friend is someone you can vent to on a regular basis then you will find people (men and women) who are ok with that and others who simply don't see friendship that way. I don't. If I needed someone to vent to on a regular basis I would find a therapist or a person who wanted to have that role in my life. If you need to vent regularly then I would first exercise/meditate/do yoga/do structured breathing exercises/write in a journal, etc. Be a friend to your friends - sure, call when you need support but don't "vent" - call if you think that person can offer valuable input and make that person understand you are not just calling because you need to vent. Then, on the rare occasions when you just need to vent -when it is a true crisis - sure, go for it. Most of the time your purpose in calling should be to share fun stories, anecdotes, insights, ask for advice (not just vent), give advice, check on how your friend is doing, etc.

 

I don't think this is about gender. You want someone to listen to you vent and then offer sympathetic words. It's kinda one sided and can get kind of boring even if you're ok with others calling you just to vent. See if things change if the reason you call your guy friends 95% of the time is to have a back and forth conversation where you each share what is going on with you and hopefully it is mostly positive/interesting/funny or all of the above.

 

As far as wanting to talk to you -if this is by phone what probably is happening is that when you vent they listen with one ear, no ears, or multitask and figure they'll just be polite and interject "uh huh" when you take a breath.

 

Thank you, that is some good advice. No, I just usually vent if they ask how my day went and if it was a bad day then I will vent to them about it, but 99% of the time our conversations are very fun, free flowing, and funny. I have a great friendship with my male friends. I guess I can't expect them to be like my girlfriends and offer that emotional support that I may need, but with me feeling close to them I thought maybe I could get that back from them. I don't understand why that would be hard for a male friend to do though, give that emotional support but perhaps that is just not in their nature, that's where I am so confused at.

[DoF]

Guys don't do "vents". From anyone.

 

Me and plenty of males around me do plenty of "venting". Heck, actually, I see more venting from men than women!