How to get an ex back

[Marko]

well, I wouold say you have good chances based on the fact that you have 12 years of history.

 

my sister told me that once a connection is made, it never truly endsand the door does become available again. I believe that.

 

To test her theory, i called a former love. 5 year relationship gone terribly wrong.

 

I spoke to her about everything...about our failed relationship, what we both did wrong, etc. She has been there for me thru my recent broken-heart. Despite our rocky history, she made itknown that I was the best friend she ever had, that she still loved me, and Im the only perosn that knows her. I know we could get back togther if I wanted to, but i don't.

 

the point is, you have too much history not to have a "possibilty".

 

Sounds like you have a lot to work on, as do i. Do it, make yourself feel better. he landed this new girl to help ease away from his problems with you. it won't last.

 

you put up with each other for 12 years, so give it some time and be pacient.

 

NC and improve yourself. Once you get to the point you need to be personally, we'll talk about what to do and how you feel then.

[lawandorder]

Marko has alot of good points. Andie, I learned the hard way or didnt realize I knew my answers. If you have that many years together then there is alot of love and interest. Now remember men love what they see and women love what they hear. In general. If you will spend some time working on your own looks and so forth as you listed it will make a heck of a difference. Then also date someone or alot of someones. Have fun. Let him know there are others interested in you. dont tell him but show him and act perfect and happy when you do go face to face. If he runs into your mom tell her to tell him you are doing great and have a date this weekend. It will get him off his but and make him worry about you. Your on the right path, if you are making your life better. It will make you feel so great.

 

Marko, where in the devil do you live?? there has to be girls with in a distance. If not man I would thinking of moving. LOL Seriously you have to use your head and look at whats up and start dating. Or make her think you are dating. It helps alot.

 

Dating others: The whole point is to take your mind off your ex. Gives you someone to lean on. Enjoy going out and feeling good. It makes you want to better yourself. Most off all an ex that dumped you will really take notice that someone is interested in what they had and that what they had is becoming a total package they would like to have in the back of their minds. Then step up and play a little hard to get.

 

 

[Andie]

It would be nice to show him, but despite those 12 years together, we don't hang out with the same people and I was not close with his family (we both had/have emotional baggage/problems) I've been in a BAD depression and he had said more than once he couldn't handle it, that I was too dependent on him.. but I got that way because he was so damn jealous I cut everybody off! To the point where I stopped going anywhere and the computer became my social life and he was jealous of that! WHAT THE HELL?!? Make up your mind, do you want me to go out and have a life or am I too dependent, JEEZ! Anyway, even if/when I do all this improving, how will I see him? Y'know to let him know I'm 'new and improved'? How will I know if he's with someone still? When he broke it off, it was very civil, loving even.. we hugged, we cried.. I acted very maturely (cried a lot, but no fighting or screaming or accusing.. very big of me considering he cheated on me, especially after YEARS of telling me that if I ever cheated on him he'd kill me and the guy I cheated with) Understand about his weight loss and fixing his teeth and that he's got some self esteem for the first time in his life at age 32, where as the rest of life he was treatly badly by peers and even his own father (told he was fat, ugly, gross for YEARS til I came along.. and even then it took a year before I would date him).. I know, why would I wanna be with someone so insecure and whatnot.. well, I wasn't with him for 12 years because it was all bad.. we had many MANY good times, just our own personal demons getting in the way.. like when I started running into a man around the neighborhood who had tried to rape me when I was 19 and was freaked out and started pushing my ex away when he wanted sex or simply to hug me, he took it as I thought he was ugly and didn't love him, but really I was just having trauma from seeing the would-be rapist (yes, my ex knew about it, but his insecurities made him too weak to help me.. he just saw it as me being like his peers and his father - thinking of him as fat and ugly.. meanwhile I was having near-rape flashbacks).. so now he's lost 120 pounds, fixed his rotted teeth and women have noticed, the self esteem kicked in for the first time at age 32.. I stuck by him through his suicidal depression, but now I'm having a serious depression and he "can't handle it".. *sigh*

[brando]

Sounds a little like my situation. It is as if my x finally gained her independence and then felt i wasnt needed in her life anymore. My history is too long to post. But it is all relevantly the same, except no affair. At least that i know of.

 

I don't know how he would see the changes you make. Maybe by leaving some sort of door open. I guess you would need to have faith, that he may contact you. Each contact can be crucial in showing him you made changes. Attitude, light heartedness.etc... The less emotional you appear the more he may be thinking why you arent a mess. I think dumpers expect this of the dumpee. Good luck.

 

Marko made a good point about what his sister told him, once a close connection, it is hard to truly sever. Ive read somethng about people coming into our lives that leave footprints or something on our souls.

These are the connections i believe Marko was referring to..

[Marko]

YOu know your answers and what you have to do. It sounds like you have enough on your plate to keep you busy and get your mind somewhat off it.

 

Believe me, after 12 years a person is just not oging to forget. He may stumble thru his day dream, but he is thinking about you. thereforeeee, NC is a good enough way to let him know you others find you desirable.

 

Bottom line. There was co-dependence and self-esteem issues. Whats he gonna think when the person so dependent on him suddenly doesn't call ?

 

that will drive him crazy. meanwhile, in his new realtionship, he will learn whatever it is he needs to learn. Perhaps that the grass is not greener, that everyone has issues, that restarting a new relationship is tiring etc.

 

Get busy!

 

You have so much to do, you can set daily goals.

 

learn to drive, then get your liscence.

 

work out everyday. Look up healthy recipes and eat right. Go get your nails done and change your hair. then the best part comes (this was a virtual high for me when i did this...) go shopping.

 

Spend way too much $$ on really expensive nice cloths. I know what you're thinking, but It was not financially responsible for me to be spending 150$ on a pair of jeans, but I bought 3 pairs anyway.

 

i also bought new shoes, clologne ( a first) bracelets, sunglasses, everything.

 

Im having a really hard time right now, but i do enjoy the part of the day when i shower (and now shave every day) and get dressed after carefully choosing an outfit.

 

BTW, I live in Florida. NO GIRLS, believe it or not. The ones that are here are all hoochie momma skimpy cloths wearing ignorant trash.

 

In Chicago where I am from, there would literally be a parade of people walking down the street. I would talk to girls all day, and every now and then, one would bite.

 

I need to be here for 6 more months to get my finances straight before I can think of moving back. plus I don't want to leave my ex just yet.

 

I mean, what if I left, then she came back ??

[lawandorder]

Update!!!

 

It blew today. LOL I have had NC since Friday. Then today she caught me at the store. She wanted money at first. Then when I said no she was mad. Went all off on me for taking a girl to the casino's and going out and so forth. She told me she hates me. She was all pissed today. I guess it set in that I was serious about moving on. I know there is a calm before the storm. Well the storm hit. This ex was mad. Or beyond mad at every aspect of everything.

 

Now, I had a date last night and again tonight. Well, I have a girl that wants me to come eat dinner and watch movies. So I thought this may be fun. Now the issue with the ex. What should I do?? LOL nothing from what I see. I know I would be mad if I was her. She wants a divorce and thought I would be here for her for ever. Not going to happen. Now that all this has started coming to a head she is the one mad. Now it will take a few days or a week to sink in to her. I know it will. But the issue of all this is going to have to set hard for a bit then I feel she will realize she has lost or come close anyway to her entire world. Now this is good for me in the effect of her realizing that it is almost over and she does not have much time or I will and may already be in the arms of someone else. LOL thats life.

 

Does anyone out there have a view on this subject and a way they would play this different?? If so let me know any ideas you all may come up with. Peace

[brando]

I think you r doing the best thing, dating, going out. Not much else you can do about the ex. Denying her request for money was stellar. How much longer did she think you were going to roll over for her. Its funny how when they want to do what they want despite what we think it is okay. Saying no to a request even if she was still with you is perfectly ok.

 

 

I think she is realizing the tables r now turning. Good for you l&o.

[detox5]

so are you gonna go back with your ex, or just make her relise that you can live without her and are fine without her, and then start to try work things out. what are you waiting for from her, i wish i was in your shoes, uve inspired me to do cool things, but first i need a job again heh.

[Andie]

Hey lawandorder I think you did GREAT by refusing her the money!

 

I do have a question though - at what point does someone make the move an say "let's work it out"?

[fantasia2004]

marko and others ,

 

would you agree , while on the road to improving yourself that you could invest in a image consultant if you have no clue on how to look good from clothes to hair and makeup?

 

I made the mistake about a year and a half ago in begging and pleading asking for my ex back.

 

In your point that you can't tell them you must show them, when will they know?

 

When you are dead and gone?

 

Or just by chance after finally cooling off, and finally giving them a break and giving them space so that they can breathe a sigh of relief and then say wow?

 

When will that day come?

 

Or am I jumping the gun.?

 

Do they really ever bump into you again when you finally let go?

 

After moving on?

 

Does trying to look good having hobbies taking care of yourself make the difference and show them that you are different in a new light?

[Marko]

funny you should ask....especially about the image consultant thing.

 

when i was in Chicago, I was staying in "boy's town" (gay town). thats where i lived, thats where I liked it, thats where my best friend still lives.

 

Anyway, credit card in hand, I walked into a "boy's boutique". Walked up to the prettiest guy in there that was working, and sid "make me look good".

 

he picked some stuff out, then asked if i would like to go shopping the next day.

 

we went to urban outfitters, Diesal, all these expensive places. he had a blast "making me over" and i had a blast racking up my credit card.

 

(i took him to dinner and for a couple drinks as thanks)

 

Now don't get me wrong....i still feel like crap (week 5), but i KNOW i look good.

 

She was attracted to the sloppy long-haired 170 pound chubster. i cut my hair, shopped, and lost 25 pounds.

 

i saw her for a split second and she didn't recognize me. Meanwhile, everybody else was telling me how good i looked.

 

I think the idea is to boost your self-esteem, and try to have fun. I've been going out everynight w/ a fella that i met who is also trying to cope with the loss of his g/f.

 

i wouldn't say its fun, but it keeps us busy and removes us further from our thoughts.

 

My theory is to meet new people, have new adventures and experiences, and even new drama to occupy my mind. im working on this now.

 

Also, you have to want to gte better. 3 weeks in, i didn't want to get better. i do now.

 

i want to imagine that she sees me and eats her heart out. i want to imagine that she is wondering why I look so good now and who its for.

 

I did everything i could to get her back, and it didn't work. All i can do now is wait. our x's have the ball in their court. there si nothing we could do. They are either going to come back or not.

 

Im moving on and trying not to think about her. If she comes, then she does. theres nothing I can do to make that happen.

 

this also helps...

 

In the last 5 weeks since she left, i have...

 

begun smoking 3 packs a day

spent all my $$

quit my job

lost 25 pounds in an unhealthy way

gotten little sleep

had many MANY panic attacks

Cried my eyes and heart out

developed an eating disorder

 

i think of those things and I miss her less because I get angry. Angry is healthy as long as it is kept private and nothing or nobody is harmed.

 

tho i miss her and want her back, part of me is telling myself, "nobody does that to me".

 

this also helps...

 

take a good introspective look at yourself. (as an example, im saying this to myself...) I have traveled and crossed thsi country more times than most people, by following the grateful dead and phish. I am a professional wrestling manager who has had an opportunity to work w/ my childhood heroes. I am a college graduate. so on and on....my point is, she might meet sombody who is one of those things, but she will never meet anybody who is all of those things.

 

therein lies the key. we are all unique and have our own things going on. Its these bits that make us who we are and who they love(ed?).

 

Ultimately, this could make them want to come back if they left you under similar circumstances as mine (she says she loves me, etc.)

 

just take care of yourself and make yourself happy or at least try.

[Marko]

and to answer the second part of the question...

 

they will know when/if they call you and or come back. (unless they hear things thru the grapevine)

 

meanwhile, you are feeling better about yourself anyway, and hopefully prepared yourself for the possibility that the call will not come.

[brando]

good advice Marko. I agree.

 

Please for everyone here dont make changes for the ex, make them for you.

[fantasia2004]

bravo, marko

 

I agree.

[lawandorder]

MARKO IS RIGHT

 

I have went from 226lbs to 178lbs in 9 weeks. Now I started this before the break up. I run 2 miles a day and work out for 2 hours per day. I do cheat by being on DBol but hey, what the heck. I have to watch my temper on this and I dont drink while in a cycle. But I am cheating on the weight training.

 

Update!!

 

now my ex was so mad yesterday. But oh well. Today I got a call. I didnt pick up. text came in. I called her. I have to pay only $150 a week till my divorce is over. (I thank God that is all I have to pay) She wanted to know when she could go by my lawyer and pick it up. Then she wanted me to give her more money. I told her if Im not f&*^ing it im not going to feed it. then she went on about how bad her life is. Heck, has no bills. Then she got off about me having a girl friend. I never said yes or no. I just said a lady friend I do things with.

 

then the kicker. She wanted to know if she could move back in. Now she did say that we could have separate bed rooms. Being the gentleman that I am I told her in a nice manner that there is no damn way. I told her to try to take me back to court so she could live her too. I welcome the challenge. I told her that I am moving on with my life. All 5600 sq feet of the house is clean and perfect and she knows about my cars and how I look. She then assumed that a girl is causing my changes. I told her that it is for me not for anyone else. She was a different person today. LOL tomorrow she will be mad again.

 

Now the reasons. If I let her move back in we would go out and sleep together and get back together. But, it would be on her terms. I know this. Ya see, as Marko is doing is what I am doing on improvement. But if you let them come back as soon as they decide they may want back then it will happen again. I am going to complete what I desire in my company and grow it to a level I set for it. I am going to finish my quam. I want to be a 100% changed and better person. Now by getting back now I will be stepping down. Its a poker game. If you know that you are going to get a Royal Flush at the end of the game then bet all you have. Why settle for a small pot now when the big pot is going to hit the table and you know there is nothing that can beat a Royal Flush. LOL

[lawandorder]

Thoughts on Progress:

 

1. get yourself out of pain. See the big picture. Each and everyone of us need to make changes and have goals for ourselves not for our ex. Then obtain the goals in a positive manner. WORK TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

 

2. LIfe will get better. Dont sweat the small stuff. Everything in this life is small. Dont dwell on things. Do like Marko and find a way to get new drama in your life.

 

3. Date others: It will make the ex mad at first but so what. They dont want you now anyway. why not go out and have some fun. I sat on my but for 5 weeks and then boom the hammer hit me in the head. I have dated 5 girls in 4 weeks. I enjoy each date and it has hellped. Now my ex went through the roof at first but now it has made a positive change in her.

 

4. Take care of yourself. Make the changes. If its going to church, helping others, your weight, your looks, your career. Just do it.... It will help win back your love and it may come down to the fact you fall for someone else and are even happier.

 

5. Dont talk much about your ex. Stay away from that subject. No one wants to know how you were hurt. No one wants to know that you love your ex. No one wants to come to a pitty party when dating you.

 

Just food for thought and thought I would add this to my post.

 

If you have some thoughts please chime in with me.

[fantasia2004]

one question , lawandorder

 

how has this change in you changed your ex

[lawandorder]

Well, who really wants to be around someone that is needy and is in self pitty and depressed. Then is overweight and just does not have their life together.

 

Now, I am in the game with my body like I want it. My whole world changed and for the better.

 

She came by a few minutes ago and wanted a few little things. I took them out to her. I was working out and she noticed right fast that I was back in shape and it made her pretty mad. She knows that I have the coin, I have my poop in a group. She knows when I go out I dress top notch and she knows that I am on my game 100%. Now she is in a tight spot. She has yet to go on a diet and she is way over weight now. So when she looks at me she gets pretty upset looking at me now and then looking at her.

 

They will eat their heart out. And they want what they cant have. That is the beauty of it.

[fantasia2004]

Is it okay to laugh at this because it sounds funny but it is not funny lol

 

sorry but it will make me burst throught the seams.

 

Sounds like I need inspiration and this might do the trick. I love it!

[lawandorder]

LOL now stop laughing at me I laugh at myself enough.

 

The key to all is to have will power. Stick to what ever you start and the end will come out great.

[Marko]

Law and Order,

 

what I am learning right now is very similar to that.

 

If I call her, it sets me back. My 1 # priority should be getting over her, not getting back with her.(even tho Im dieing to be with her).

 

I couldn't take her back while Im still so fragile anyway. that I believe is how most relationships fail when the couple gets back togther. the dumpee's pain turns to resentment, or they continue acting like a wounded puppy, thus turning of the ex.

 

But for my situation, I figure for every time she calls and the conversation goes well, there will be at least 1 more call. Since she called me yesterday, even if i don't call her back, she should call at least 1 more time, just to see why i haven't called her back or somthing. In other words, i don't think she would stop calling w/out closure.

 

And if she, the dumper (who still has feelings for me and misses me, in her own words) is giving in to calling me now, i would think things may get worse for her, driving her to actually pursue me.

 

meanwhile, i have to get over her because there is no guarentee that we will be back togther and life must go on.

 

it may sound like a game, but its not. As I stated, i have done everything in my power to get her back and failed. All i did was push her away by trying.

 

She needs her time to figure out if she wants me back, which I have accepted that won't, so i can move on without her. If she does come back, in theory, I learned an important lesson, and I will have improved myself, thus strengthing the relationship...if it were to come to that.

[fantasia2004]

The key to all is to have will power. Stick to what ever you start and the end will come out great

 

Being consistent?

[lawandorder]

I agree whole hearted.

 

I would be still be sitting at the phone for hours and be depressed until logic did slap me off my feet.

 

but once you start a plan you have to stick to it and make it long term. Then in a short period you will see things in a new light. Now I have also seen alot of people do this plan and date someone else and end up wanting to be with the new person alot more than the old person. It really helps them alot.

 

I have dated a girl for a bit now. I can say that I enjoy her so much more than my ex that it is not funny. Today I would pick the new one over my ex hands down. but I will not back slide. I still want to go above my curret postion on my goals with me and my career and nothing will stop that. The more I follow through daily the better I feel and the more I want out of life. Depressed?? Its been a few weeks and now I feel like I am on cloud nine and love life again.

[Marko]

Im still depressed, but its mostly out of lonliness and boredom. nothing to do round' here, and no friends.

 

I miss her terribly, but its turned more into resentment than anything.

 

I WISH there were even girls to turn me down around here.

[fantasia2004]

don't give up hope marko someone out there loves you baby