Not sure what to do, think or feel

[emmajane1987]

Hey everyone. I wasn;t sure where to post this...maybe "infidelity" is a push because we were not married and only together three months, but I have been cheated on.

 

We have been together about 3 months, friends for much longer. He had some serious commitment issues and would blow a little hot and cold and pull away. I posted a bit about it before, because I felt I wanted more than he did. Nevertheless he didn't want to let me go.

 

I just found out he cheated.

 

Just before he started dating me, he met a girl in a bar and they added each other on Facebook. She lives the other side of the world in a country he used to live in. He's confessed all this, which is why I know, but basically he has been texting her the whole time - she was very interested in him, he was not that interested in her but he enjoyed the attention from a woman. As I mentioned in my previous thread, he's not a ladies man or anything...a little dorky if anything so he found himself with two women into him. I knew he was friends with this girl (her name pops up on the phone) but had no idea they just met -I thought she was an old friend.

 

So he decided he is going to go on holiday, he says both to see her and also to see his old friends there but he tells me he is just going on holiday to see friends and says he will come to me right after he gets home direct from the airport nd spend the weekend together.

 

We had kind of a blowout a couple of days before he left and I told him it was over. He goes on the holiday and sleeps with this girl (as he was intending to do even if I hadn't ended it) and she basically posts it ALL over Facebook and that was how I found out.

 

So I know we were not technically together, but he booked a romantic vacation to be with another girl when he was dating me exclusively and he has been lying to me the whole time and concealing it.

 

I don't know what to do or think. He says he is relived to have confessed, that he's so sorry, wants to do anything to make ammends, wants to be with me either as a girlfriend or as a friend or in any capacity I will let him be. Says he doesn't know why he did it, that he has never done anything like that before, that he hates himself.

 

He wants to make me feel better but I do not know what CAN make me feel better.

 

I just keep crying. I spent ages feeling something was "off", that he was not quite in it 100% and he made me feel like I was paranoid and the whole time I was right. But at the same time, he means a lot to me, I believe he is genuinely really sorry to see me suffer and I am not sure if I want to keep him in my life.

 

Half of me wants to delete him off everything and never see him again. the other half wants him to just hug me while I cry.

 

I am not understanding why I am not more angry. I should be so angry. We were SUCH close friends even before we dated and he knew I had trust issues and a hard past and he promised me over and over again that he was honest and could be trusted and I put so much faith into him. I never thought he could do this to me.

 

What is the best way for me to heal and feel better.

 

He wants to see me. He wants me back. If he can't have me back he wants me to stay in his life. He says no matter what happens he will never do this to another person as he has hated the shame he feels. He hasn't tried to lie, and says he likes us both though. He says the time with her was special, but that he knows he never put 100% into things with me and he feels like if he had we would have been together because he thinks we fit. He says the old him before his ex fiance hurt him was diferrent and he wishes I could not have met him at his worst. He says he cares about me and can't lose me but will go away if I ask him to.

 

I feel so weak and lost.

 

What should I do?

 

I feel like I want him to comfort me, but he is the one who did it.

[shellyf62]

I'm sorry he did this to you, but you need to block him & not look back.

 

He was talking to her while dating you, that is an emotional affair. He then booked a holiday to sleep with her. He knew exactly what he was doing, how he was hurting you, but still went ahead & did it.

 

He has no respect for you, and you wont be able to trust him now.

 

You deserve someone better than him. Don't listen to his crap about caring for you, he has already done the damage.

[HLnoelle]

If you spent ages feeling like something was off, and your romantic relationship has only been going on for three months, then I'm assuming you felt something was off for a good portion of that time. And that's not good considering three months isn't that long to start off with. I'm sensing some insecurities on his part, and so of course he is liking the female attention from both you and this other girl. It's a nice ego boost for him. It doesn't matter that you both were technically over when he slept with another girl. You said so yourself, he planned the whole trip with the intention to have a nice little getaway with this other girl while you were still with him. And then he was just planning on returning to you right after he got back so he can have some more convenient sex. Doesn't that disgust you when you think about it that way? Listen I've been there in your place when you love someone so much and are blinded by it. I think many have and can relate. We each have to learn our own way. The decision you have to make is do you know your self-worth enough now to end it now, or keep suffering through this inevitable cycle with him, and end up having to do it later. It's your time. Use it wisely is my best advice. Because he will hurt you again. It isn't a matter of if, only when.

[emmajane1987]

I honestly do feel disgusted, of course I do, but I feel so weak and lost.

 

I should block and want to be like that but I feel no respect for myself right now. I have no idea what is wrong with me

[HLnoelle]

Well if you are feeling weak, I can tell you 100 percent being with a person like that right now is a terrible idea. He's manipulative, and probably charming. And you are weak, and lacking the self-respect to hold your ground. Again, been there. That's a really bad combo for you, good for him because you are easy prey for him and he knows it. If you go back to him he will continue to use you. You're going to do what you're going to do. And we understand that. But I think most people on here (being from an objective perspective) will advise you to stay away from this guy.

[shellyf62]

I understand that you are in shock, frightened, scared of your future, feeling helpless. I have been there, I had 2 small children when I found out about my exs affair. I threw him out. I had no other choice, I couldn't live with someone who had so little respect & love for me or his children.

 

It was hard, I wont lie to you, but soooo much better than having him lying to me, telling me he would never do it again, and then me having to believe him, but checking on him all the time. That is no way to live your life.

 

You are stronger than you think, and will get through this. Believe you deserve more.

[emmajane1987]

I know this is not as bad as a husband, sorry, I know our relationship was short. It was just so calculated, so awful and it's hard to type but he invested so much time into me nd into getting me to trust him nd show how much he cared that I'm just left too shocked to understand how to feel.

[shellyf62]

Your pain is as bad as mine was. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make light of your situation. Whenever someone is cheated on it hurts the same, regardless of how long you were with that person.

 

Just be kind to yourself, go for a walk, have a bubble bath, have a nap, anything to take your mind off this.

[emmajane1987]

No, I am sorry, I ws not saying that. I was feeling guilty for whining over something much smaller than most people suffer.

 

If it is any help...my fiance left me at the alter a few years ago. I have been through more "serious" pain before.

 

What I am strugglign with is what I am supposed to feel, how to react, confused over why I feel like I want to see him instead of blocking him as I should feel.

[mhowe]

You want to prove something to him.

 

But the best way to prove you are better than all his lies and false promises is for him to be dead to you. Block on all media. Refuse to answer any text. Don't call, don't write....hell, don't evennspeqk of him to friends. He simply doesn't exist.

 

He thinks you are going to forgive him. Why should you? His act was purposeful. He is a con man.

[youareworthy]

Dear EmmaJane1987,

 

I am glad you aren't married to him. It is much easier, and less expensive, to break up with a boyfriend than a husband, and when no children are in the picture.

 

In your situation, it is natural to have a wide range of feelings. Do not beat yourself up for feeling lost and weak. He has done a number on you, building up your trust for so long as a friend and then a girlfriend, but all the while knowingly cheating on you, and planning the trip.

 

I agree that you should block him and not see him again. You really are much better off without him. I am sorry he turned out to be such a jerk.

 

You will feel better in a little while. Hang in there.

[HeartGoesOn]

After telling him "it was over" (which I don't blame you in the least) why did continue to have contact when he returned? I think the one lesson to learn here, is when you feel red flags floating over your head, listen to your intuition very closely as it's rarely incorrect.

 

Either way, people don't cheat by chance, they cheat by choice. Recognize your value...

[youareworthy]

Dear Heart Goes On,

 

Thank you for that remark, "People don't cheat by chance, they cheat by choice. Recognize your value."

 

It helps me see things in a clearer light.

 

Youareworthy

[dave_1966]

You have probably encountered your first sociopath, I have discovered a male friend of mine is one recently. There's nothing you can do to change him, he wilfully made plans to sleep with this other woman whilst with you. He most likely doesn't equate actions with consequences, and is now saying anything he can to maintain you as more or less a FWB in his books. How you perceive things may be very different, and he won't even care. The only thing you can do for your own sanity and well being is to to never respond to anything he says or does, and totally block him in every way possible.

 

He sounds as mad as a box full of frogs, and may even be on the autistic spectrum. Nobody needs this bs in their life.

[youareworthy]

He sounds as mad as a box [full] of frogs.

 

Dear Dave,

 

I just looked up this great expression; as I suspected, it is popular in GB but hasn't made it across the Pond yet. I'm going to start using it, and its companion, "mad as a bag of ferrets" a lot, and share this creativity with your American cousins!

 

Youareworthy

[dave_1966]

Dear Dave,

 

I just looked up this great expression; as I suspected, it is popular in GB but hasn't made it across the Pond yet. I'm going to start using it, and its companion, "mad as a bag of ferrets" a lot, and share this creativity with your American cousins!

 

Youareworthy

 

Not so familiar with the 'ferrets' one, could be a North of England expression though. The 'box of frogs' is more widely used. Good luck with sorting this guy out in your mind, just listen to everyone's advice.