Some people would call him a mummys boy

[lulu2015]

Im 30 and I am very passive yes

[Heather Dawn]

Im 30 and I am very passive yes

 

Then you need to learn to be assertive, or spend your life living by other people's agendas.

[Dottieflanogon]

Nope.This guy is not husband or father material.Its called regressed adolescence and its a pain on so many levels. If you stay with him, you'll be pretty much living through his "teenage" years and you will wonder when the hell he will grow up.5 years is a long time and it seems like he is not a committed type , Quite frankly you're wasting your time

[mhowe]

What was he supposed to have done? She hasn't voiced any discontent with the status quo. Many people, men and women alike are of the mind "if it ain't broke, don't fix it".

 

He has his own home, a decent job. He has a gd and a single mother who needs help.

His world is fine.

[abitbroken]

I see no problem in him doing lots of house maintenance, he LIVES THERE. If he lived there alone, he would be also be doing it. That is a non issue. The thing that is of concern is that he stays there "because mom gets lonely" instead of encouraging her to meet new people, etc. But of greater concern is that you admit you are passive, but yet expect things to change. Nothing changes if you sit there and take it. I encourage you to go out and do more on your own. I also encourage you to decide what YOU want irregardless of boyfriend or no. Is it important to you to have kids? If it is, I think you should be up front and lay it on the table and ask your boyfriend where he sees himself in life in the next few years and tell him where you see yourself as well. If they don't match, then you no what to do. No one owes marriage to someone due to "time in". If someone wants marriage or is open to it, at the ages you are, they typically talk about it at least in general terms. If you have never truly laid it on the table, it is as much your fault as his. And be prepared to walk.

 

Right now, you have no commitment, so really, I don't see him seeing a need to change his situation, but if you are not open to living with his mother, I think you need to move on. Helping to care for a disabled parent is different than just not wanting to move forward. There are plenty of mothers who are widowed who have vibrant lives with their sisters, friends, and new friends. Often when one is widowed, yes there is a time when they may lean heavily on their children but to be this enmeshed at this age (vs 90 year old mom and 70 year old divorced son moves back in) then they were enmeshed when she was married

[babydee17]

Hello Lulu,

 

Talking from experience, it wont go nowhere. I was with my ex for 4 years and he was a mommas boy. We had our own place but in anything we did, he always involved his mom. It was not a problem, but it would get annoying sometimes since I wanted some things to be decided by me and him ONLY. During those 4 years, he never mentioned marriage or having kids (should have been a red flag, i know). I also know that his mom told him to break up with me and guess what, HE DID! I am not disrespecting my ex, but he was really immature and he couldnt make his own decisions. It wont last Lulu if he is a mommas boy. I felt more like i was competing to be his mom not his GF. Let him know how you are feeling and if he doesnt change or improve, move on my dear. There are plenty of MEN out there that will WANT to marry you and have children with you.

[catfeeder]

I'd ask myself, "If BF won't ever offer me more than he does today--no less, but no more, would I go or would I stay?"

 

If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

 

From there you get to pick a date and do the work to get yourself prepped in order to meet it.

 

There is nothing wrong with having goals, and there is nothing wrong with having none. But the two states are incompatible.

[Blue_Skirt]

If I were to talk to him about it, what do I ask him exactly?

Do you see a long term future with me? Do you want to get married? (without actually proposing lol)

I havnt got a clue

Before you even have a talk with him, I think you need to have a good talk with yourself. What do you want in life? What do you want in a relationship in general and in a relationship with him? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have children? Where do you want to live? Lots of questions you have to ask to yourself.

 

And once you have an idea what you want, you can speak to your boyfriend. Simply tell him that you would like to have a talk with him about your future. Tell him what you have been thinking about and that you have certain goals in your life and that you want to discuss these with him. If he does not want to talk, or if he avoids clear answers, you must take that as an answer that he is happy with the status quo and does not intend to change anything.

 

Seriously? You are 5 years together and never have discussed the future?

[superfan]

The main problem here is not his mother - it's your lack of ability to communicate with him and even discuss the future of your relationship.

 

I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone for that long and not once discussing the future. What do you guys even talk about? You need to sit down with him and talk about what you want from him and the relationship. If you don't, nothing will ever change.