Confusing Situation...He's Newly Single...

[lockdown91]

I recently became friends with a guy who was in a long-distance relationship when we met. The relationship wasn't going well...she was dating on the side, he wasn't happy. I was cautious because I thought he was cute, but I thought we could really just be friends....but as time went on, we both realized we had feelings for one another. We had several talks about it, he told his girlfriend about it, and when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago, they sat down and had a talk. It was a rough weekend, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but they decided to "take a break", which ended up with them breaking up officially last weekend.

 

So...things have been confusing from the start. I made it clear that I didn't want him to leave her for me, and he made it clear that if he left her, it would be for himself, because the relationship hadn't been going well and he wasn't happy. Now that it's over...I feel like we're in a weird place. He obviously needs time to work through it. His knee-jerk reaction the day after was that he had just gotten out of a long relationship, and we could only go on as friends. I suggested that we just take some time and think it through. And as the week has gone on, we've gotten back to talking as we usually do. The thing now is...I feel like I'm getting no consistency from him. Last week he was jealous that I was running into old flames, and this week he's saying he isn't sure if it would bother me if I dated other people. (He had suggested before they broke up that I could date other people in the meantime....to which I said if I'm dating other people, that means I've moved on and I won't be dating you). I know he's probably just confused right now. I know that he has feelings for me and cares for me. I do communicate a lot of my worries with him. For instance, I've put my foot down with him that I wouldn't be okay with him seeing other people, I don't want us to be just a "fling" (and he's said he doesn't want me to be a rebound), and I wouldn't be okay with just being friends with benefits.

 

This is getting kind of long, and I apologize, but I'm just so confused about how to move forward. I'm trying to be patient because I know he's going through a rough time and I don't want to rush him into anything, but I'm at a loss. Does anyone have experience with a situation like this?

[mhowe]

You guys are not dating, so neither of you gets to tell the other who they can and cannot see. He broke up last weekend, in part because you guys were connecting on an emotional level. Dial back this quasi friendship and go about your lives.

 

He isn't ready to date and if you don't want to be his emotional crutch as he processes the break up, you should give him plenty of space.

[kathy679]

He has baggage, he is hurting from this situation and is confused. He needs to be on his own for a while to sort himself out. If you both try anything now it will only be

messy and full of confusIng emotions.

 

I would suggest you tell him to take at least 6 months to be single and move on from the person he was with and then MAYBE contact you. Maybe in that time he will be in a better place, or decide what he really wants.

 

Completely cut ties WIth him for now, carry on with your life and if it's ment to be it will be. If it's not then you've just saved yourself a whole lot of pain there!

[SooSad33]

"It was a rough weekend, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but they decided to "take a break", which ended up with them breaking up officially last weekend."

 

He is in NO means 'ready' to date again. he's going to need a few months on his own to work on accepting & healing from his BU.

He is not ready to move on again and date anyone.. for a while. He's got nothing to 'give' at this point.

 

Yes, all you would be is a Rebound. They hurt & don't last.

 

Sadly, it sounds like you just came around at the wrong time in his life

 

it's best to just back off and respect the fact that he isn't ready. Give him space and NO pressures.

[SoulTaker]

You know the saying, "be careful what you ask for, because you....". He's now your problem. You're confused because he's giving you mixed signals. He said that he left his gf because of himself, yet he injected you into the situation by telling her about you. There was no reason for that, whatsoever. He also shouldn't have discussed details on his relationship with another woman. It's not the honorable thing to do.

 

He used you to do (breakup) what he didn't have the guts to do himself. You should not have had any talks with him about "feelings" while he had a gf (long distance or not). It's called "gf" for a reason. By having "feelings" for you, he was cheating on his gf (it doesn't have to be physical). And this is the type of man you want to be with.

 

Until you can come to grasp with what happened, you can't move forward.

[catfeeder]

Decide whether you want to enjoy this guy for a while, or whether you want to preserve the potential for something lasting.

 

If you position yourself as his rebound by playing his emotional red cross and a distraction from his ex, you can have something intense, and he'll likely really appreciate you--until the day he feels really lousy about telling you how fabulous you are, how you'll find the right guy someday--but it can't be him. He never took the time to explore the single life, and now he needs to go 'find himself'.

 

I'd drop off his radar completely for a few months. He knows who you are and he knows how to reach you if he's ever interested in forming a relationship. But that's just me, I'm not a fling person. You get to pick where you want to stand.

 

Head high. Timing is everything.

[greta96]

This is not all that unheard of. His relationship was on the rocks, and he used you as an emotional crutch, the last push to do what he wanted (but was too chicken) to do - break up with her. You two did have an emotional affair, therefore he cheated.

It was easy for him to get jealous, because the roles were different - he was still stuck in a relationship, while you were single and free to do whatever you pleased. You were his distraction, flirting with you was appealing and provided all the ego boost he needed. Now that the roles have changed, he is a free man and wants to enjoy his newly found freedom. He doesn't want to have to deal with the rules of a relationship right away, he wants to enjoy life - meaning, date around and make up for the time he was unable to do so, while in his relationship.

Unfortunately, you were a filler. A trampoline, that helped him shake off a relationship that was no longer working, and project him back into the single life. Now that he has the freedom, he wants to take full advantage of it, and a relationship with you is not the way to do so.

 

What I would do, I would step back, wayyy back, cut contact, and tell him that if he ever feels ready to date me seriously and exclusively, he can give me a call at that time, and if I'm still available, we may give things a shot. But in all fairness, would you really want to be with this guy who had no qualms about cheating on his girlfriend emotionally? Are you going to be able to trust him? Cause I wouldn't.