Capricorn3 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 May I ask how old you are? Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 People don't go and burn/throw out their old photo albums or old Facebook pictures after a relationship has ended. You can't expect someone to erase their past and pretend it doesn't exist. The onus is on you to not being retroactively jealous. You are letting your issues poison your current relationship. 1. I am not asking for past to be erased. 2. Despite what the counsellor has said? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, despite one persons opinion. Why did you read the letter she asked you to burn? Why doe seeing a picture of her ex boyfriend and her emasculate you....perhaps that is a question worth more examination? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, the onus is on you to not be retroactively jealous. It's not productive. Again, please answer my question, how many times have you find this stuff? Just twice: the letter and the photos? Or were there others? I am trying to determine if she's leaving this stuff out in the open ALL the time or if you're looking around and poking around for it. Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Are you sure you want to be with her? Your other posts sound like you are unhappy with her and with the relationship, and maybe this is the phase in which you determine you are not right for each other? Or maybe it's time to try and work something out to make it right again? You ask what attracts me to her: Her intellect, he calm, her similar "tempo" to mine, her looks, her ambition, a bunch of other physical stuff. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 1. I am not asking for past to be erased. 2. Despite what the counsellor has said? How long was she broken up with her ex before you met? You said in early September that she is a hoarder and just beginning to clear out this stuff so it's probably a matter of time. Do you personally have an unspoken deadline for her to do this? Or have you two agreed upon this process? I wonder if you two are incompatible, and 10 months in are gaining this information. It takes time to determine compatibility. - since the start I have found various items hanging around in her home that caused me huge feelings of jealousy. There have been about 10 occurrences, the latest of which was last weekend. They range from photos of her ex boyfriends on her tablet, to valentines cards to her ex boyfriend, to love letters with one of her ex with sexual comments. She is a hoarded in general so she doesnt know these things exist, yet I still get very angry when I stumble accross them. She is now clearing this stuff out so I guess it's a matter of time until these things no longer appear. Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, despite one persons opinion. One person who happens to be a qualified and experienced counsellor. Why are you discarding that so? Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Or maybe it's time to try and work something out to make it right again? Maybe. You work on you, right? If she's not who you want to be with, you don't have to stay. I understand that two people can work on things and grow together, but the other one has to be willing, and it really boils down to you making personal choices and not trying to control or script the other person. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 You ask what attracts me to her: Her intellect, he calm, her similar "tempo" to mine, her looks, her ambition, a bunch of other physical stuff. How did you two start out? Was she still with her ex, or how long had it been since they broke up? How about you, what happened previous to this relationship? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 One person who happens to be a qualified and experienced counsellor. Why are you discarding that so? Because I think you only heard sentences that bolstered your cause. If your gf is a hoarder and doesn't even realize this stuff is around, how can you justify getting angry when you stumble accross it. When she hands you something to put in the burn pile, how do you justify reading it before burning it? Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Again, please answer my question, how many times have you find this stuff? Just twice: the letter and the photos? Or were there others? I am trying to determine if she's leaving this stuff out in the open ALL the time or if you're looking around and poking around for it. I counted 10 that i remembered. She is not "leaving" it out in the open. She doesn't know it's there, but she hasn't cared to do a clearout, despite what I asked months ago (justified by the counsellor then saying the same thing). It's curious how people jump to conclusion here. I haven't searched for this stuff. I've explained about those two examples. With the papers, there were LOADS of them, and I had to scrunch them up a bunch at a time, i was fumbling them all over the place, and i fumbled one that was written in a way that stood out (those graphic words) so i was drawn to it unfortunately. I can only assume there would have been more, but i had no interest to find out. Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Maybe. You work on you, right? If she's not who you want to be with, you don't have to stay. I understand that two people can work on things and grow together, but the other one has to be willing, and it really boils down to you making personal choices and not trying to control or script the other person. What makes you think she's not willing, or at least able to somehow understand? Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Because I think you only heard sentences that bolstered your cause.? Why do you think that? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 I didn't realize that she was a hoarder. Wow, that changes things a bit. Listen, you need to realize that she's not keeping it to spite you or because she is still in love with the guy. She's a HOARDER. They keep everything! She hasn't been cleaning and things pile up. She needs to get help for her hoarding. Was the therapist aware that she is a hoarder? Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 I didn't realize that she was a hoarder. Wow, that changes things a bit. Listen, you need to realize that she's not keeping it to spite you or because she is still in love with the guy. She's a HOARDER. They keep everything! She hasn't been cleaning and things pile up. She needs to get help for her hoarding. Was the therapist aware that she is a hoarder? Jesus, can we keep it on-subject. THERAPY FOR EVERYTHING. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 The subject at hand is you expecting your gf to tip toe around your fragile masculinity that cannot handle her throwing away past mementos without you feeling sad. Why not take a break until she can clean up her place in a year or so? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Jesus, can we keep it on-subject. THERAPY FOR EVERYTHING. Not sure if you are aware, but hoarding behavior is an abnormal and debilitating disorder that usually results from past trauma. Unless that is addressed, she will continue to hoard, even if you help her clean, she will just keep collecting things until she fixes the underlying issue. So YES, hoarders get therapy to address the problems that lead to hoarding. It is on subject. She is a hoarder. She collects things and doesn't throw them away because of her disorder. You are blaming her unnecessarily. You assume it's out of disrespect and maybe a desire to be with the ex. IT'S NOT. IT'S BECAUSE SHE IS A HOARDER. She would collect anything, regardless of significance. You need to read up about this and stop taking it personally. She needs help. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Do you see the irony here that your post is about understanding and empathy, and yet you have none for her situation? Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 The subject at hand is you expecting your gf to tip toe around your fragile masculinity that cannot handle her throwing away past mementos without you feeling sad. Why not take a break until she can clean up her place in a year or so? Why should she tip-toe? Is a simple conversation like the one i outlined in the original post tip-toeing? If you re-read the original post, you'll see that it's no longer predominantly the clearing up that's the problem. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 It's you feeling sad and anxious and blaming her for your mood. You keep stumbling over things because she is working at cleaning up her stuff. I did read the whole thread, sadly. And I don't think you have a leg to stand on. Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 So it's not reasonable to be in a bad mood for something a partner has done (or not done), deliberately or not? Why is it sad that you read the whole post? I have stopped stumbling over things, I have explained that the problem is another. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 You can be in a bad mood about it but you're taking it out on her and that's not fair. It's not like she does this deliberately to hurt you. She's a hoarder. You being upset over something that's largely out of her control right now does not give you the right to huff and puff and blame her or make her feel bad. Link to comment
Anxiousguy4 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 So basically were saying that compassion / empathy / understanding doesn't have to be provided if the cause isn't directly linked to person that apparently needs to give it? If so, why would the counsellor say that in general such instances should be avoided in a relationship and that in a shared living environment generally they shouldn't be there? And that it would reasonable to see why it could feel threatening. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 It has nothing to do with doling empathy, I'm talking about you BLAMING her for what's going on. Stop taking out your bad mood on her. Does your therapist know that your GF is a hoarder? Because she is and that makes the therapist's advice not applicable here. Your GF has too much stuff and hasn't cleaned in years and is trying to clean. It's a totally different scenario than someone who is deliberately leaving things around to upset you, which is what it sounds like you've told your therapist. And that's not accurate. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Because I think you only heard sentences that bolstered your cause. If your gf is a hoarder and doesn't even realize this stuff is around, how can you justify getting angry when you stumble accross it. When she hands you something to put in the burn pile, how do you justify reading it before burning it? So incombination of you only hearing what you want to hear, you only give your on line therapist limited information...leaving out that your gf is a hoarder. And you have moved in with her after only 10 months? And you did this why? Link to comment
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