Asking for too much understanding/empathy?

[rosephase]

Look it sounds like you guys are having a hard time untangling whose issues are whose. And while it would be nice if your girlfriend was a saint and able to provided you with sympathy, empathy and understanding in the face of your blame and anger (which stem from your our history and your own insecurity) she can't do that at the moment. You have created a pattern of over reaction and it's extremely hard to start to dismantle that. Should your girlfriend shape her life around your insecurities? no. because if she did you would never get over them. The fact is she can't immaculate you, that is something that is happening in your own head. I'm sure it feels awful and I'm sure you yelling and slamming doors and blaming her feels awful for her. It takes extremely mature people to stop "highjacking" in conflict. And when a conflict has become a rut, a pattern, then she isn't really highjacking. This issue is about both of your feelings and issues (her hoarding, your crippling insecurity) when you are talking about the stuff she leaves around you are touching on issues she is clearly already struggling with. I would recommend you -get- a therapist instead of seeing one once. This is a complicated, dug in issue between the two of you and it is going to take some time to unpack it.

 

Personally I would find it hard to be with someone who was so insecure, but I would also find it hard to be with a hoarder. This issues is going to take more work then you telling her its her job to fix it for you.

[journeynow]

OK, getting a bigger picture here:

 

Jesus, can we keep it on-subject. THERAPY FOR EVERYTHING.

 

I know you want her to change. That may or may not be possible. But can you change your tactic and develop different communications skills? You don't' feel like you are blaming her, but she feels that way. You disagree with her, BUT that is how she FEELS, and I can see why. That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, in that you are both entitled to your feelings.

 

5. She feels blamed

6. The conversation turns to her explaining and excising herself, and dealing with her sense of blame (hijacking), often ending with defensiveness on her side, saying "it's all on me!" Or "if I'm not good enough find someone else"

7. I haven't gotten the support/understanding/empathy I needed from the conversation due to hijacking

8. I get frustrated or angry

9. She gives up entirely on the conversation (understandably so, because I show frustration).

10. We've gone nowhere. I'm left with no support, or reassurance that if does happen again she'll have my back.

 

That's been the consistent pattern since the first occurrence. This broken process, having failed many times, now has made me feel anxious almost every day.

 

 

….Granted, I'm not saying they would have resorted to the anger I now show (and I am going to speak to someone about this, because it can't spiral any further) but to be fair, I think they probably would have left the relationship entirely, yet I still feel committed so want to resolve it.

 

Every other weekend is ruined because I feel the need to talk about these things and she ends up feeling blamed, or gets defensive. It's been like this for a couple of months and it may well go away very soon.

 

I do not blame her, yet she has a tendency to feel blamed, but i don't care. I only care about solutions.

 

I'm still sad, and it feels like the weight of all those other things still hasn't shifted. It's scary because i don't want it to stay with me and I don't want to be angry with her and I don't want to give her the impression I'm this person, and risk her thinking less of me, because i cherish adoration in a relationship. Yet again, she reassure me well that she is always and will always have adoration for me.

 

I plead for empathy and protection (having a clearout), and instead she:

 

- justifies herself

- avoids criticism (her nature to do so)

- avoids conflict in general

- when we do discuss, often when she realises, saying "if I'm not good enough, find someone else"

- doesn't prioritise a cleanup

 

The sequence of events is always:

 

1. I will begin pointing out things calmly and articulate about how it makes me feel

2. She justifies herself or feels criticised

3. Having failed with calm to make her understand I need empathy, I will be disappointed, but still want to make her understand, resorting to expressing anger / frustration

4. She shuts down shop

5. I'm left with no support when I needed it, and get angrier because i expect it, and am left open knowing I'm no safer from future occurrences

6. When (or rather if) she realises the effect on me, she's flooded with defeatism and goes all WYSIWYG ("if I'm not good enough leave me") missing the point that it's not about how "good" you are overall, but about that one specific need of mine that she should go out of her way to help with, given all I do for her

 

She just doesn't seem to offer a package compatible with mine because it feels like i'm giving so much in material, practical (labouring) and empathetic commitment, yet I can't ask for anything.

 

I know these bits are clipped from several threads, but they deal with the same thing, and reveal a theme.

[journeynow]

What makes you think she's not willing, or at least able to somehow understand?

 

What? I didn't say that. Is she here asking for advise?

[agent1607307371]

tbh, you sound exhausting. And if she is a hoarder, I can't see her getting into the head space necessary to work on that while she's got you setting things up so she's expected to coddle you.