cubs101 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Hey Guys, First time poster (28M), hoping for some advice. This past Saturday was probably the worst night of my life. My girlfriend (24F) and I have gone through up's and down's in our relationship. She is in her second year of grad school and I live 50 miles away and work full time, needless to say we don't spend all that much time together which at times put stress on the relationship. We've been together for 2 years and in this time frame we broke up once, right about a year ago. Her schedule was so hectic we barely had time to talk, I became too needy at the time and we decided to take a break for about a month and a half. After taking things easy its like we picked off exactly where we left off. Everything seemed to be going great until the last couple of months. We both like to drink and have a good time. There was one instance about a month and a half ago, we when things took a slight turn. Out of nowhere she got completely drunk, told me not to go back to her apartment and that we were done. I spent the night at my friends place and went back to her apartment first thing in the morning, she had no recollection of what she said and apologized extensively. I let the whole ordeal go and we didn't talk about it again. Fast forward to this past Saturday. We were both tailgating for the football game, we ended up going to the bar and once again we got into an argument. Her ex was at the bar and started talking to her for 15-20 minutes, after they got done talking to each other I had asked her what that was all about. She went off on a rant asking why I was getting jealous for no reason. I let it go and went to another bar with my friends and continued drinking. About 2-3 hours after that I went back to her apartment, she had my bag ready by the door and told me to leave, told me that she didn't want to see me and what not. I was very drunk at this point and for some reason the first thing that came to mind to say to her was "oh what are you going to have your ex come over instead" (very stupid on my part) she got in my face and started yelling at me basically saying in a sarcastic tone "yeah im going to call him over and him" and that's when I made the worst decision of my life. Never in my life had I put my hand on a woman, but as she was screaming at me my first reaction was to shove her away. She did not go flying but I did push her into a wall and out of my way. Right away she threatened to call the police on me and told me to leave, which I did right away. I went over to my friends place and spent the night there in disbelief for what had happened. I felt like I lost my cool under the influence. I would have never done that sober, I've never in my life called her a / or insulted her in such a way. The next morning I went over to her house to apologize and she was not having it at all. She said that she was not sure of what to make of the whole situation and told me to leave. I am at a loss for word for the whole situation, never in my life have I felt so disappointing and embarrassed in myself for putting my hands on another woman. I sent her a very long apology and she replied back saying this. "Im still completely shocked by what happened yesterday. I feel like our relationship has been dysfunctional for a while now and lat night reached a new level. I can't do this anymore and you've left me with no choice other than to end this relationship. We need time apart and I need time to think about things. I hope you understand the situation that you have put me in and can respect my decision. I'll always be here for you but for now I cant continue to bey our girlfriend. This is hard for me too so please just give me my space" It's two days since all of that went down, and I'm still shocked by what had happened. I've looked into going to an AA meeting and even seeing a therapist. I feel like I lost my cool and I never want to do that again. Is there hope for us to make this work again? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 It was already dysfunctional and the stress, alcohol and a mix of an ex just broke its spine. Look into therapy, AA..but you really need to stay away from her. You gotta respect her request for space. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I think if it is ever to work again, you two definitely need some significant time apart. It sounds like right now, her mind is pretty made up. I'm glad you are looking into counseling and AA meetings; I think those are both a really good idea. I'd also like to say, don't completely villainize yourself over the relationship ending; yes, what you did was wrong, but it's not the only reason the relationship is over and in fact, it does sound like she wanted to end it for awhile. You can rehash the dynamics of the relationship in therapy and probably gain some new perspective on it. Time to focus on yourself now. I would maybe send her one last text/email just to say you understand and will respect her need for space, and that what happened freaked you out too and you are getting help for it. Then, go strict no contact. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Agree that it was already dysfunctional. It's just a shock to you now. You will need time and therapy to help you process everything. Link to comment
cubs101 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 I appreciate the feedback. The last text that I sent to her basically said "I agree with everything that you said. I'm extremely disappointed and embarrassed with myself. Clearly I need to reevaluate things in my life such as my problem with alcohol. I can't explain how sorry I am for the pain that I have caused you. I'm hopeful that you'll give me a chance to talk to you again whenever that might be. In the meantime I'll give you your space like you had asked" She never responded back, this was two days ago. Strange enough she sent me a SnapChat this morning of a lab that she was in. I didn't respond back or anything, just threw me for a loop as to why she would send it. I have been really down on myself the last few days, for some reason I had this idea that she was the one for me. Independent, beautiful, smart she has everything going for herself. Two weeks ago I asked her what her thoughts would be on moving in together at the end of the next quarter since she will be in clinical s and working closer to where I live. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Your first task is to try to stop idealizing her and the relationship. It was a trainwreck that was a sure course for an explosion. Link to comment
jobelle Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 We all make mistakes. I hope you've learned from this. It does seem to me that the relationship was doomed anyway though - the distancing and the snapping at you for asking about the ex, even going as far as packing your bag, are big red flags... Stay away and work on yourself and your life. Things will feel better in time. Good luck. Link to comment
cubs101 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Your first task is to try to stop idealizing her and the relationship. It was a trainwreck that was a sure course for an explosion. You're absolutely right. I have been trying to look at the whole situation from the outside in and have come to a realization that a lot of the problems were on my end. For some reason in my head I felt like our relationship was so great when in reality a lot of the problems came down on me and my attitude. I would compare our relationship to other couples for instance my friends and some of hers then wonder why we couldn't spend as much time together as these other people. Basically it came down to her being extremely busy trying to juggle school, family, friends and me. I have no idea why this didn't click for me months ago or when she first started grad school, I wish I could have been more understanding. It's weird that this break up happened a few days ago and already I feel like a cloud has cleared and exposed all of my faults which I didn't realize I was doing. Link to comment
ntAgainPetunia Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I had the same realizations after my ex broke up with me a couple of months ago. I realized after just a couple of days that I had distanced myself from my ex so much that she really had no choice but to break it off with me. Of course, it's too late to fix at that point. All I can do is try to learn from this and not make the same mistakes in the future. I suspect that will be your course of action too. Link to comment
Tayla92 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 You need to stop putting so much blame on yourself, you're not the sole reason this relationship ended like you keep making it out to be! As others have said, it sounded doomed from the beginning sorry. There is someone out there much better suited for you I'm sure so just stay positive, and lose the negativity because it will only keep dragging you down if you keep this up. Stay no contact, and move forward with your life without her. You can do it, we all have at some point.. Link to comment
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