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I broke up with him because he wouldn't marry me or have children

kate111

By kate111
in Getting Back Together

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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I don't see what the problem is with me hoping he will change his mind or become enthusiastic. I am not going to hop to and have children with this person willy nilly. Clearly it would have to be a process and I'd have to feel secure he wanted those things too. I am not a complete idiot.

 

What you just posted here makes no sense based on what you've previously written on this thread.

 

You broke up with him because he doesn't want marriage and kids.

 

Now you suggest that if he changes his mind, you'll take him back, hoping that IN THE FUTURE he'll want to have kids and get married.

 

If that's the case- that you are ok with waiting to see if he changes his mind down the line, then why did you break up with him?

 

No need to answer the question- it's rhetorical. It's designed to make you realize that you are completely contradicting yourself, and hey, I get it, you're confused, you're second guessing your decision to break up with him but it doesn't change the fact that you want him to agree to get married and have kids because it's what YOU want.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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I don't see what the problem is with me hoping he will change his mind or become enthusiastic. I am not going to hop to and have children with this person willy nilly. Clearly it would have to be a process and I'd have to feel secure he wanted those things too. I am not a complete idiot.

 

The problem with him changing is mind on some nebulous day in the future is you are 42.

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Helpexpressme Rookie

Helpexpressme

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Posted
I don't see what the problem is with me hoping he will change his mind or become enthusiastic. I am not going to hop to and have children with this person willy nilly. Clearly it would have to be a process and I'd have to feel secure he wanted those things too. I am not a complete idiot.

 

I don't think time is on your side. I think if he wants kids he would want to have them now. You are 42.

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Helpexpressme Rookie

Helpexpressme

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Also, I'm pretty sure you can have kids right up to 45/46 as a lot of woman get pregnant in their 40's by mistake. They have an "mistake" baby later in life, after not having protected sex. Happens alot.

 

So for you, spend your time wisely trying to find another partner who wants kids/marriage. This can all happen in a year. Focus on that, not this pipe dream.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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Over age 40, they are considered "at risk" pregnancies and the odds of having a child with a handicap or learning disability increase greatly. Considered the proposed father has a medical condition, which may or may not be hereditary... And it doesn't look lime a walk in the park.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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Also, I'm pretty sure you can have kids right up to 45/46 as a lot of woman get pregnant in their 40's by mistake. They have an "mistake" baby later in life, after not having protected sex. Happens alot.

 

So for you, spend your time wisely trying to find another partner who wants kids/marriage. This can all happen in a year. Focus on that, not this pipe dream.

 

 

I agree with you. I am also trying to find a partner who actively wants those things now.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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I can't wait for the day he says he is firm in his decision and I post in this thread heartbroken, so that you can tell me "I told you so". It is going to be so great.

 

You're still hoping that somehow the shock of the breakup will cause him to waffle in his decision.

 

You still don't get it.

 

To expect him to change his mind, to begin doubt his decision- all because you dumped him- is selfish and completely irresponsible especially when it is about bringing a child into this world.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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You're still hoping that somehow the shock of the breakup will cause him to waffle in his decision.

 

You still don't get it.

 

To expect him to change his mind, to begin doubt his decision- all because you dumped him- is selfish and completely irresponsible especially when it is about bringing a child into this world.

 

 

That sounds very self righteous to me. I do not expect it. I hope it.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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I'm being criticized for hoping he will change his mind.

 

That's right.

 

You hope to manipulate his decisions and feelings to better suit your needs.

 

That's a lot different then just saying "we're in two different places, we want two different things, good bye and good luck", with no hopes or expectations that by doing so he will suddenly agree to your terms.

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Shane Falco Rookie

Shane Falco

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It doesn't feel much like help as much as criticism.

 

Well, you aren't exactly doing yourself favors. I agree with sargon -- I don't get the point of breaking up with this man if you are just going to be sitting around waiting for him to change his mind anyway. If that's what you are going to do anyway, you should have just stayed with him.

 

I mean, if you want something that he doesn't want, that's fine, but you are never going to find the person who wants what you want when you are sitting around waiting for this other guy to have some sort of epiphany that hasn't happened in eight years. You are basically sitting around waiting for a one-in-a-million chance.

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a marriage and children. But what you are doing right now -- one foot in the water, one foot out -- does nothing but guarantee that you will never find what you are looking for. It's time for you to commit to this breakup, put both feet in the water, and move forward with a goal of finding what you want. But what you are doing right now isn't going to cut it. Your decision is fine, but you need to commit to it fully.

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