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I broke up with him because he wouldn't marry me or have children

kate111

By kate111
in Getting Back Together

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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Thank you all for your words. I do admit that I am hoping he comes to his senses once I am gone and he misses me.

 

You hope he changes his mind because he misses you, and agrees to marrying you and having kids even though he clearly does not want that?

 

How incredibly selfish.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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Hi Silverbirch, thank you for sharing that story. It is wonderful and fills me with hope.

 

Sargon - he hasn't said he doesn't want that. It is not "clear". He is ambivalent. There is a difference. Commitment is a difficult thing and it is a choice. People change their minds about that kind of thing, it's not always black and white.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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Hi Silverbirch, thank you for sharing that story. It is wonderful and fills me with hope.

 

Sargon - he hasn't said he doesn't want that. It is not "clear". He is ambivalent. There is a difference. Commitment is a difficult thing and it is a choice. People change their minds about that kind of thing, it's not always black and white.

 

Still doesn't do any good to force the issue.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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How exactly am I forcing the issue?

 

By breaking up with him, hoping he'll change his mind for the wrong reasons.

 

Ok, "forcing" is a bit strong because you are hoping to passively manipulate him into making a decision that is in your own best interests.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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In order to be willing to put out the emotional, financial and physical effort to raise a child...ambivalence simply doesn't cut it. Parenthood, at its best, should be a enthusiastic choice by both people.

 

Exactly.

 

Although I'll do an about face here and say that I was ambivalent about having children. All through the pregnancy, I was uninvolved. Until I saw my newborn daughter laying on the table after her birth.

 

Everything changed after that and I became a doting father.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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By breaking up with him, hoping he'll change his mind for the wrong reasons.

 

Ok, "forcing" is a bit strong because you are hoping to passively manipulate him into making a decision that is in your own best interests.

 

I broke up with him because I wanted those things and he kept putting me off. I felt I had to leave him, but I still love him, so I hope he comes back. I don't really see that as manipulation.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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In order to be willing to put out the emotional, financial and physical effort to raise a child...ambivalence simply doesn't cut it. Parenthood, at its best, should be a enthusiastic choice by both people.

 

 

Yes I agree and I realize that. He has always maintained he does want those things. Just not now. which gives me hope.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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I broke up with him because I wanted those things and he kept putting me off. I felt I had to leave him, but I still love him, so I hope he comes back. I don't really see that as manipulation.

 

The leaving part is just fine, the part about hoping he changes his mind and comes back and agrees to marriage and children, is not.

 

My girlfriend and I went through something similar. She was going to dump me after 3 years because I didn't want to give up my independent lifestyle, I was content to see her a few times a week. She was longing for a committed, live in relationship. She didn't even consider that I'd try to do it her way when faced with the decision to break up or step up to the plate.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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The leaving part is just fine, the part about hoping he changes his mind and comes back and agrees to marriage and children, is not.

 

My girlfriend and I went through something similar. She was going to dump me after 3 years because I didn't want to give up my independent lifestyle, I was content to see her a few times a week. She was longing for a committed, live in relationship. She didn't even consider that I'd try to do it her way when faced with the decision to break up or step up to the plate.

 

You are telling me my feelings are wrong?

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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Your feelings are what they are....your expectations that you leaving will cause an epiphany are misplaced.

 

You believe he will never change his mind. You might be right, or you might not be. People do make mistakes, and peoples feelings change. That's my view. I think things are more fluid than you do. In any case I'm clearly not doing any harm to him. Calling me selfish is a bit much. I'm not allowed to have my own selfish hopes?!!! If hopes can't be selfish then what can be?!

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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You believe he will never change his mind. You might be right, or you might not be. People do make mistakes, and peoples feelings change. That's my view. I think things are more fluid than you do. In any case I'm clearly not doing any harm to him. Calling me selfish is a bit much. I'm not allowed to have my own selfish hopes?!!! If hopes can't be selfish then what can be?!

 

Everyone is selfish to some degree.

 

It's just human nature.

 

As far as your particular situation goes, you aren't doing any harm to him, yet. If he returns and says "ok lets do it your way, here's a ring and I've tossed the condoms" and you accept him back under those conditions, you are not only harming and manipulating him but you are setting both of you up for a huge future FAIL.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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You believe he will never change his mind. You might be right, or you might not be. People do make mistakes, and peoples feelings change. That's my view. I think things are more fluid than you do. In any case I'm clearly not doing any harm to him. Calling me selfish is a bit much. I'm not allowed to have my own selfish hopes?!!! If hopes can't be selfish then what can be?!

 

I didn't call you selfish. I said your expectations that he will have an epiphany are misplaced. Breaking up wasn't a mistake ....it was the right thing to do.

 

He hasn't changed his mind in 8 years. "Someday I might" isn't something g to base a future on.

 

At age 42, your ability to have, carry and deliver a healthy baby isn't going g to be easy. In addition, you mentioned he has a health issue. Unless adoption was on the table...it is likely the baby ship has sailed anyway.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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Everyone is selfish to some degree.

 

It's just human nature.

 

As far as your particular situation goes, you aren't doing any harm to him, yet. If he returns and says "ok lets do it your way, here's a ring and I've tossed the condoms" and you accept him back under those conditions, you are not only harming and manipulating him but you are setting both of you up for a huge future FAIL.

 

 

Really? You know that is going to happen do you?!

 

You've already said you were ambivalent about children yourself until your child was born. This is exactly the point. People grow, they change, they develop. Things aren't so fixed. Anything can happen. That's my view.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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I didn't call you selfish. I said your expectations that he will have an epiphany are misplaced. Breaking up wasn't a mistake ....it was the right thing to do.

 

He hasn't changed his mind in 8 years. "Someday I might" isn't something g to base a future on.

 

How old are you guys?

 

The other poster did. He didn't say "someday I might". This is a simplistic representation of our relationship.

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sargon Rookie

sargon

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Really? You know that is going to happen do you?!

 

You've already said you were ambivalent about children yourself until your child was born. This is exactly the point. People grow, they change, they develop. Things aren't so fixed. Anything can happen. That's my view.

 

I changed when I had kids. He might, he might not. That's one heck of a risk.

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kate111 Mentor

kate111

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I don't see what the problem is with me hoping he will change his mind or become enthusiastic. I am not going to hop to and have children with this person willy nilly. Clearly it would have to be a process and I'd have to feel secure he wanted those things too. I am not a complete idiot.

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