Sees a future with me, but doesn't have his head to be in a relationship

[evam]

I've been with this guy for almost 3 years. Everything was going really well, we never argued, but he said he doesn't feel the same way as before, as in he got bored of doing what we were doing in the relationship. Some type of spark disappeared so we decided to break up even though I wanted to work on the relationship and he didn't think it would help. He left like our relationship was beginning to be a routine, and not driven by passion as it's supposed to be and I don't disagree. There is a limit to what you can improve with your relationship when you have to prioritize other things in your life. We both live with our respective families, and our intimacy has always been limited. I don't have a car, so he always drove, which might have been annoying. We had opposite schedules for work and school, and I've always had to limit my activities because of money issues as opposed to him. He's currently in a new and demanding program for the next 4 years (he struggled to get into the program and fell into a depression, but now things are better). He says that he's not planning to see any friends whatsoever during the week to stay focused. I feel like he pushed me away because he needs some alone time. He told me after the break-up that he still sees a future with me and and that whatever he could offer to someone else, he's only willing to offer it to me and is not interested in anybody else. He can't stand the fact that he's not as into the relationship as before, and that it's not fair to me.

 

I'm lost because I love him very dearly, if he needs time to figure out his life and focus on school, that's alright with me. Perhaps, it's bad timing to have a relationship right now, but will I be stupid to be waiting after him? My friends tell me that he will eventually come back, but I'm scared that while we are apart, someone better will come and catch his heart...Also when you love someone dearly, don't you want to have them close-by? Or you push them away to see if it's truly meant to be?

[Hollyj]

Do not wait for him to come back. He is saying these things to string you along. Not fair.

 

It sounds like this relationship has come to an end. Don't waste your precious life on what ifs.

[Dottieflanogon]

Unfortunately I've had something similar happen to me in the past. They didn't want to hurt my feelings. But in my case he was just bored and wanted to meet other people without cheating on me at the time. He doesn't expect for you to wait for him, and maybe will end up together someday, that's just said to make you feel better. or maybe he's just afraid of commitment as he sees how serious your relationship is getting. ,

 

 

Don't wait. Move on and figure out your life for a while

[DizzyBritches]

I agree with the others. If he doesn't want you in THE PRESENT, that tells you all you need to know. He has no clue whether he will ever feel differently about you in the future, and is keeping you as a possible Plan B. You deserve better. Go and find someone who wants you now, not maybe 5 or more years from now.

[Tanzi]

If he really saw a future with you then he would not risk losing you by ending things NOW. He is telling you things he thinks you want to hear .... to help soften the blow.

 

My advice to you is to NOT wait around for him. No-one can know whether he is going to come back ... not your friends, not you, not us and not even your boyfriend .... so work on accepting that things are over. After all that won't stop him from coming back if that is what he wants .... but if he doesn't, well, at least you would have made some significant steps forward already.

[evam]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess it's hard to face the truth when someone tells you ''i see a future with you, i'm not interested in anyone else, i'm not looking for another relationship, i just want to be alone''. I'm currently waiting for an honest reply from him as in, ''I don't think you are the one'' ''There is no chance for us to be back ever again''. We'll see what he replies.

[IAmFCA]

One of the aspects of not being ready for a relationship is not being able to choose a long term partner. He is signaling that his choices are unreliable. Believe him.

 

This is a time to focus on you, your path. Do not wait for him. It is important to date without getting into a relationship. Do that on occasion, see your friends. It is important to grow, be the best you can be. He will respect you,; more importantly, you will respect yourself more.

 

BTDT

 

He still sees a future with me. But he might just as easily see a future with his gf. He says "I have no judgment right now."

[IAmFCA]

If he really saw a future with you then he would not risk losing you by ending things NOW. He is telling you things he thinks you want to hear .... to help soften the blow.

 

This is not necessarily true. He may think being with you now is likely to ruin any chance he might have of a future with you later.

 

It does mean he is not clear that he is ready to take advantage of what you offer. By the time he IS ready, you both will be different people. Maybe you still will choose each other. Maybe not.

 

Give yourself the power of options.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess it's hard to face the truth when someone tells you ''i see a future with you, i'm not interested in anyone else, i'm not looking for another relationship, i just want to be alone''. I'm currently waiting for an honest reply from him as in, ''I don't think you are the one'' ''There is no chance for us to be back ever again''. We'll see what he replies.

 

I just want to be alone is easily a precursor to I ended up with someone else who fits me better at this time.

 

A person who isn't ready... isn't ready. Everything can be both sincere and unreliable.

[Tanzi]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess it's hard to face the truth when someone tells you ''i see a future with you, i'm not interested in anyone else, i'm not looking for another relationship, i just want to be alone''. I'm currently waiting for an honest reply from him as in, ''I don't think you are the one'' ''There is no chance for us to be back ever again''. We'll see what he replies.

 

That all my might be true .... for now .... but the only reason he still sees a future with YOU is because it is all he has known for the last 3 years and he has yet to meet someone else to fill that space. Clinging on to that thought most likely provides him with some form of security and familiarity whilst he heads off into the unknown but he might as well be saying "if all else fails, evam will still be there".

 

Ultimately, however, he wants the opportunity to explore new possibilities and it could take him absolutely anywhere and thus open up new horizons.

 

If he doesn't want to be with you NOW, then he can't possibly know if he will want to be with you in the future. There is no point in waiting for someone who has no idea themselves if they are going to come back.

[evam]

But the thing is that there is no one else and I truly believe him, I'm not naive.

[evam]

I just want to be alone is easily a precursor to I ended up with someone else who fits me better at this time.

 

A person who isn't ready... isn't ready. Everything can be both sincere and unreliable.

 

But the thing is that there is no one else and I truly believe him, I'm not naive.

[IAmFCA]

But the thing is that there is no one else and I truly believe him, I'm not naive.

 

But there isn't him either. It is better to be moving forward than treading water waiting for someone else to save you.

[evam]

But there isn't him either. It is better to be moving forward than treading water waiting for someone else to save you.

 

I know that I will eventually move on, but I might always have feelings for him. It's a hard process, I've honestly never been this sad in my life. Everything ended so suddenly, there's this knot in my chest every time I think about him. We talked openly about marriage, the name of our kids, where we would live...all of a sudden everything crumbled...

[mhowe]

One day you will look back on this and the feelings will have faded to dust.

[evam]

There's a part of me that will regret how things ended and how he was not willing to work on the relationship. We didn't even try once to fix things and it was both our first long term relationship. Maybe he's making a rookie mistake or maybe he made the best decision for himself.

 

I'm currently on NC and I won't contact him until he does.