What causes cheating?

[Lolo21]

I would like to know what everyone's opinion is on the causes of cheating. Do you think that it is caused from a problem in the relationship, or from a problem with the person who is doing the cheating? I have seen on past posts, the majority of responses hinted towards the fact that indidelity is caused by something wrong with the relationship, but I kind of believe that in a lot of cases the problem is with the cheater, meaning this person has some kind of character flaw or morals that don't hold loyalty very high. What does everyone think?

[emma34]

well - my opinion is more towards a charachter flaw. I am the cheater - I have gone out with perfect man, and still cheated. From my perspective, it is a need for constant affection...not necessarily affection, but for a man (or a woman) to WANT them. When I was with my boyfriend I was completely in love with him, but the second we were apart, I needed someone elses affection to get me by. Post me if you have any more questions as this is a little brief - personal experiene with cheaters?

[katiekate1982]

I think the "cheater" is at fault for the most part, I think its one of those things where they want to have their cake and eat it to. Or maby that is just me since I was just cheated on. I wish I knew, I would love to be back with my ex, but I would never be able to trust him again. I also think it may be not be being able to satisfy the other persons every need, at all times, and maby that makes them stray.

[sonjam]

Cheaters tend to defend themselves by saying it is their spouse/gf/relationship that's not satisfying enough (whatever). This always leaves the other person wondering what they did wrong, and doubting themselves. This is not always the case, but usually.

 

I believe it is the person, not the relationship. If you are unhappy in a relationship, fix it, and if you cant, leave it and move on. Don't cheat.

 

If you want sombody else, dump your current gf/bf and go for it.

 

cheaters have very low moral values, and respect for their current partners to be able to do this to them.

 

I saw sombody post the other day - "cheaters are always sorry they cheated, but they are usually even more sorry they got caught!"

[Noggy27]

well said Sonjam...

 

Totally agree there. It can be the relationship that causes the cheater to cheat but its always the cheaters fault for cheating if you know what I mean. If the person cheats instead of fixing or making an effort to fix whatever is making him/her unhappy in the relationship to cheat then they arent worth it. Theres never an excuse to cheat no matter what. See above post for solutions

[peanut15]

I think it is the cheater. They see something they dont' like about a relationship, possibly something they didnt' get and are upset about and they immediately blame the other person or the relationship in general and go out and find someone else. The cheater has more than enough opportunities to correct what is wrong but what do they do instead? They jump into bed with someone else and thereforeeee making a small problem much much worse. Then this nasty cycle begins because when the betrayed finds out, in their mind, they feel violated and taken for granted and they try to go out and find what they have been missing or have lost.

[Heretic]

Cheating is caused by a lack of respect.

 

You'd never hurt someone like that if you respected them. It's really that simple. Now if you want to get into what causes that lack of respect? Well the list goes on and on.

 

Some people don't care about others feelings... other people have been cheated on and that leads them to cheat. Lots of things can cause it and it can happen to ANYONE, and ANYONE can do it. It just has to be the right situation at the wrong time.

 

That's just my point of view.

[Jimbo10]

I don't think we can pin cheating on any 1 thing. Cheating is the result of 1 of a multitude of different problems that can stand alone, or be mixed and matched.

 

Major problems that cause the heart to wonder are deffinatly relationship problems. Not enough sex, no more physical attraction, I could go on, but I'm sure there are too many to bother. As well, some people really are just jerks who can't settle down, and would be better off not trying. Some people just don't like, and can't stand the thought of one partener for life. Everyone before me made great posts about different problems that they think cause a cheater or cheating, but it's not just one, or two of these. It's every single one of them. People's motovation for cheating come from many quite different directions.

 

but here is the truth behind it. Regardless of motive, character flaws aside, it's about the outcome. Cheating really hurts, it's dishonest, and anyone who is christian who cheats should be ashamed of themselves. It's not a solution to anything, and is a sign of weakness.

[FuriousSam]

People cheat because they can, plain and simple.

[mscolly]

There can be many reasons why people would like to cheat: personal problems, problems in the relationship, stress, etc etc etc.

 

But there's a big difference between fantasising vaguely about something, or even the idea crossing your mind, and turning it into a fact. And I think respect for the person you're considering cheating on is the key. You might think you won't get caught, that it will remain your personal secret, but even in that case you're showing very little respect for the person you're cheating on. It all comes down to respect and dignity in the end. Respect for yourself too. Cheating is breaking a promise, compounding it with lies and half-truths, over time too, not just an on the moment faltering, but a long-term living a lie. If you can live with that, then I couldn't live with you.

[OceanEyes]

I've been the cheater once. It was never to "have my cake and eat it too" (what the heck does that mean anyway?), it was more because I was really unhappy and too scared to end the relationship. So basically, my cheating was the result of being a coward and not having the decency and honour of just leaving. When I did cheat, it was at the end of the relationship after all of the "talks" had taken place, and I did come clean about there being someone else, and left shortly afterwards. My infidelity was never for "fun", or to test the limits of my relationship. When you're in love with someone, you just don't cheat because you don't WANT TO.

 

There are different reasons why people cheat. I know habitual cheaters, who I think must convince themselves that what they're doing is justified in some way because of how their partner is. I think that there is a difference between a habitual cheater and a cheater who lets something happen once. Heck, we are human and mistakes can be made once, but there are people who cheat on every person they are with, and usually several times throughout the relationship.

[tiger_lilies]

My opinion is that the cheater is just plain selfish! I mean, who do you think the cheater is thinking about when they cheat? Themselves of course!

 

Cheaters are not thinking about their partner but about what can satisfy themselves.

[OceanEyes]

My opinion is that the cheater is just plain selfish! I mean, who do you think the cheater is thinking about when they cheat? Themselves of course!

 

Cheaters are not thinking about their partner but about what can satisfy themselves.

 

I agree with the part about being selfish. It is selfish to cheat under any circumstances. But at the same time, I think it depends on the situation. It is never "O-K" to cheat, but I think people do it for different reasons.

 

I also don't agree with the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater". It's too general, and I'm living proof that it's not true. I've cheated in the past but never in my current relationship. I will say it again, if you are in love with someone, you do NOT cheat on them because other people are of absolutely no interest to you emotionally or sexually.

[lyladeleone1]

Cheating is a personal choice. Pure and simple. If there is something wrong in the relationship, then good honest people addresses those problems. If they can't be worked out there is a parting of ways. It takes courage to face problems and a great deal of strength to move on after a broken relationship. Those who use the excuse that it was someone else's fault is simply taking the cowards way out to justify their own selfish decision to cheat.

 

We need to be accountable for the relationships we are in. When they are not working..fix them or move on. We need to make the tough choices on the present relationship before we move on to ruin another.

 

Can we cheat on taxes, or cheat businesses and then use the excuse their was something wrong in the "relationship". No we are held accountable by law for the choices we make to cheat.

[FemmeEnigmatic]

Usually, in my experience, (i've been cheated on by everyone i've ever been with) it is because there is too much initial trust laid on the line at the beginning of the relationship. The infatuation stage totally overshadows the questions that should be asked and the cautions that should be taken before delving into a long term relationship. You are either so sexually satisfied or so amazed that you may have found the most wonderful person in your life, that you tend to overlook the small clues that may have been there from the start. I have learned this the hard way. And in return, I have been abused physically, verbally, and mentally for years. I have lost all trust in people, and as a result, it's hard to get into my head, let alone my heart. I have been abandoned, hurt, lied to, deceived by the people I loved the most. But I keep finding myself in this same vicious circle. I want what every woman wants---a monogamous man, with morals, with a personality, and commitment to fidelity. But as far as I have seen, this doesn't exist, and I must find a way to deal with being alone for the rest of my life.

[Cherokeelion]

I have also seen that a large number of cheaters, not all, have not been exposed to good morals while growing up. This isn't an excuse, but I feel from myself and others I know that seeing strong relationships and having good teachers as we grew up goes a long way towards cheating never being something acted on. Most cheaters also think of themselves first... the moral key that says don't do this is not strong enough to stop them.

[Cherokeelion]

By the way... I see you're only 20. Trust me, there are good men out there. I am a man lucky enough to count a few as friends and even more as family. My Grandparents have been married for 72 years, yes... 72 and I can still see the respect and love my Gramps has for his wife. It's really uplifting and cool to see.

[yeawutever]

I think it's both. There are cases where the relationship hits downhill, but yet these people still remain faithful or cases where the perosn dumps the other before even being in another relationship. Then off course we all heard those who ran off another woman's/man's arm, that's doing nothing but escaping from ur problem, all u get from that is the risk of losing ur SO u claim to love (love is so often confuse) or live months/years with the insecurities issues and that long process of rebuilding trust (agh, wouldn't deal with it, would drive me nuts, thereforeeee, for me, no second chances). A question I gotta ask, is why did u posted this, ur young I see, well have u been cheated before or were u the one doing it and didn't know why?

[lewisbn11]

Im not sure what my views are now on trust and cheating. My partner and me were so in love for 11 months. She always told me that she never cheats and that if you do then you really show somone you don't love them. 4 weeks away from her on a trip she rings me up and says she has kissed somone else. i flew back 2 weeks later for christmas. I trusted her so much. So much and now i don't know if i would trust someone else. And for some reason i try and blame myself because i was away etc.

[novaseeker]

Im not sure what my views are now on trust and cheating. My partner and me were so in love for 11 months. She always told me that she never cheats and that if you do then you really show somone you don't love them. 4 weeks away from her on a trip she rings me up and says she has kissed somone else. i flew back 2 weeks later for christmas. I trusted her so much. So much and now i don't know if i would trust someone else. And for some reason i try and blame myself because i was away etc.

 

Well don't blame yourself for something she did. The cheater always has the choice to cheat or not, they always have the choice as to whether they want to [fill in the blank depending on what one considers cheating], noone is twisting their arm.

 

It IS hard to rebuild an idea of trust ... certainly with the person who cheated on you, but also with others as well. Over time you can do it, though, and you have to. Not everyone is the same, and you can't approach everyone with suspicion ... you have to give them the benefit of the doubt and at least be somewhat vulnerable for future relationships to work.

 

But, yes, don't blame yourself for her actions. Your absense may have been what made her feel inclined to kiss someone else, but at the end of the day she wasn't compelled to do that ... she chose to do it, and she could have very well made a different choice.

[coollady1957]

I wish i knew the asnwer to that about the cheating. but i feel myself that it is mostly a problem with the cheater, they have weaknesses, no understanding of love and commitment. etc. If you read my original post of

"He lies, cheats, and deceives, WHY" and read the replies that i have gotten might help some to see what others have told me.

[goingmadithink]

I think it's more about the cheater and his/her flaws. A cheater will often find excuses and say that it'll be better and that it won't happen again, but' it does.

[coollady1957]

I think that once a cheater, that most, maybe not all, but most times, they will do iit again, so i would lean toward ONCE a cheater, ALways a cheater. from my experience, he kept saying would NEVER do it again, kept professing his undying love for ME and only ME. Cheaters have some serious problems going on in their heads in my opinion. Most of them will never own up to having a problem that causes them to do their lying cheating and deceiveing. Just my thought and opinion.

[nymph_nmn]

Actually there's three possible answers to ur question as to wut causes cheating: 1) The relation usually when something is lacking and it going downhill 2) The cheater and his/her character flaws 3) The person doesn't have a clear definition of wut would be consider cheating and wut he/she might consider harmless flirting isn't towards the SO

[raineysong]

I have been a "cheater" in the past. It was a combination of many things that drove me to make bad choices. I was abused by one parent and the other was an alcoholic. I was molested at a very young age, raped at age 15, and went straight from home to marrying a man that physically and emotionally abused me for many years. By the time I married him, I had zero self-esteem and was convinced that I was not worthy of love nor respect. I was also terrified of being alone. Over time, certain events took place in my life that helped to build my self-esteem. I made the decision to cheat out of a desperate need to prove to myself that I was loveable. It was never about sex, although it often evolved into that. I went through years of counseling to deal with my past and eventually found the strength and courage to stand up for myself, believe in myself, and feel like a whole person. My choice to cheat was never justified, and I regret the fact that I made stupid decisions, but I will never regret what I was able to learn about myself through those mistakes, and the fact that I was finally able to develop the self-esteem I so lacked from my childhood. Once I became confident in "me," I no longer had the desire to cheat, regardless of the circumstances. Eventually, I also made the decision to leave my husband and move on with my life.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we share a very healthy relationship. The thought of cheating is not an alternative for me now, and hasn't been for many years. I learned to love and respect myself, and that is what changed me. My affairs were like a part of a process that failed to take place in my childhood. Through them, I was able to develop emotionally into the person I so desperately wanted and needed to be.

The best thing I ever heard from a counselor was that while my former spouse did not force me to cheat on him, he did have a major influence in that decision. I have also heard it put this way, "Affairs do not break up marriages, they are the results of a broken marriage." It's never just black and white folks. If someone is cheating, it's a good indication that they are hurting inside or that they have some deep issues.