localvet Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Curious, I am talking about after 3-4 dates. Once you establish that you dig each other. I have decided that if I am going to give a girl my energy and time, she should do the same. Recently a gal we hit it off stunningly said I am a catch, she had no idea she would meet a guy like me right out of the gates. She doesn't want to lose me, or the opportunity to be with me. SHe proposed seeing other people but still dating each other then re-evaluate in a month. I said no. If she feels she can do better, or wants to see if she can then she doesnt need me. I told her I will not be a place holder or an option. So she didn't know what to do. We tabled the discussion. I am a bit cautious now. Yes along with a few other minor concerns, but those are my internal issues (for those who read my other thread). We have been on 5 dates now, we talk and laugh for hours without noticing the time fly. We seem totally compatible, I am 10 years older so maybe I just have a better grasp on how rare that is to find. Thoughts? Link to comment
Patrick974 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Multiple dating is not wrong. You are free to choose who you want. When you decide to be exclusive its different indeed. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 As long as you are honest with people you are dating, and you haven't had an exclusivity conversation with any one person, you can date as many as you can handle. Just like the store, you don't buy the first product you see, you shop around to see which one you really want Link to comment
DoF Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's a unwritten code of conduct. 3-4 dates in, if you like someone, by default you are exclusive. But conversation does have to happen.....OP indicated that it did. I would go with your gut on this one OP. You know what kind of a woman you want, this one is not it. Her actions do not match her words. If she really had "no idea she would meet a guy like you", "didn't want to lose you" or "opportunity to be with you" then SHE would be working hard to be exclusive. Right now, it's not on her agenda. And above is a HUGE red flag (which is what clearly OP senses). She is either dating or is involved with someone. Next Link to comment
faraday Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Some people take longer to become exclusive. They don't want to rush things...moving too fast in the past has burned them so they're more cautious. I would continue to do what feels right for you, without placing your expectations on her- see how things are in a month...if she's still hesitant, I'd move on. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 SHe proposed seeing other people but still dating each other then re-evaluate in a month. I said no. If she feels she can do better, or wants to see if she can then she doesnt need me. I told her I will not be a place holder or an option. So she didn't know what to do. Thoughts? I put myself in her shoes and if some guy, after three dates, threw me an ultimatum like that, he's history. I'd rather a person choose to be exclusive with me in the natural in the course of events, and because in their heart they want to; not because the other party threw an ultimatum. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I think this exclusive business is nonsense. If you are ready to be in a relationship with her, ask her that. If she's not ready yet either wait or walk. But being "exclusive" without commitment to a relationship is like saying, I don't want you in a meaningful way yet but I don't want anyone else to have you. So, I think that exclusivity approach makes it easier to string someone along. Having said that, one month is a bit soon for a relationship. I feel more comfortable with establishing a relationship after two to three months. Link to comment
DoF Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I put myself in her shoes and if some guy, after three dates, threw me an ultimatum like that, he's history. I'd rather a person choose to be exclusive with me in the natural in the course of events, and because in their heart they want to; not because the other party threw an ultimatum. It's not an ultimatum, it's OP's preference and he simply took her up on HER words.......and she failed, miserably. If she never said any of those things, OP wouldn't even be thinking about "relationship" conversation. She should be history for false impression... Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's not an ultimatum, it's OP's preference and he simply took her up on HER words.......and she failed, miserably. If she never said any of those things, OP wouldn't even be thinking about "relationship" conversation. She should be history for false impression... He said date only me or you don't need me. That's pretty much an ultimatum. Link to comment
localvet Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 He said date only me or you don't need me. That's pretty much an ultimatum. No it isn't. It is me telling her I can't be an option. If she wants me, take me, dont keep shopping. If you are open to multiple partners then you cant be open to the one. Btw, I learned this from experience and my own dating errors. But seriously, if a guy said to you he limes you but baisicly wants to see if someone better is outt there, you are really ok? Not me, I called her on it, told her how I do things and I can not stay home wo,dering if I will be her,one. I am or I am not. Link to comment
localvet Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Btw, she is on her way over for date 5.... So.... Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 No it isn't. It is me telling her I can't be an option. If she wants me, take me, dont keep shopping. If you are open to multiple partners then you cant be open to the one. Btw, I learned this from experience and my own dating errors. But seriously, if a guy said to you he limes you but baisicly wants to see if someone better is outt there, you are really ok? Not me, I called her on it, told her how I do things and I can not stay home wo,dering if I will be her,one. I am or I am not. Wouldn't you want her to feel like she made the best possible choice by choosing you out of maybe five potential guys as opposed to choosing you because you put your foot down and won't have it any other way? That's like a petulant child. After three dates, I still expect the guy I'm dating to be dating others, so yes, I am okay with it. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If you are open to multiple partners then you cant be open to the one. This is only for one month; not forever. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Btw, she is on her way over for date 5.... So.... Well, then, what are you worried about? Link to comment
localvet Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Being a child???? No, it is being an adult. I am honest and open. I want her to be with me because she wants me, not because I am the best she could find. Link to comment
DoF Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 He said date only me or you don't need me. That's pretty much an ultimatum. No, that's how YOU perceive it. The things she stated are of a person that is interested in pursuing a relationship. OP took her up on it and her words didn't match her actions (quite the opposite actually). Well, then, what are you worried about? OP should be worried, she is getting her way as we speak. hehe Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 When two people start dating, expect each to be dating others. Make yourself date others too. It helps keep the emotions in check, the lust in check. When you decide one person warrants your sole focus, as you have with this woman, then focus on her. Put her on your calendar more often, check in by phone at the same time each morning and evening, whatever ways you like to express your stepped up level of interest, do that. She may not be at the same pace as you. That's okay! You CAN NOT expect someone else to arrive at this exclusive phase at the same time that you do. All you can do is say: I am interested in dating only you. I recognize you have your own choices to make, and I want you to know I have made this choice for myself. DO NOT demand anything of her. Let her GIVE HERSELF to you when she is ready. DEMANDING it of her is like demanding a gift. Be patient so she can give the gift instead. Link to comment
notalady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I have indeed been on the receiving end of such "ultimatums" after somewhere between 2-4 dates. With one of whom I agreed to being exclusive after only 3 dates, and that indeed turned out to be too soon. Guys who made such requests to me (and not implying that is the case for you) were insecure and essentially afraid that I might meet someone better and leave them. Whereas the guys who are confident and share the same view that this is a getting to know you process and they too are assessing our compatibility, never asked me for exclusivity this early. It is usually somewhere between one to two months (about 8 dates). This is a perfectly valid point if you've been dating for a month or two and know each other reasonably well to know that you can see yourself keep dating them and this could turn into a long term relationship. After 3-4 dates though, you really don't know sh*t about them and it's perfectly ok for someone to want to keep their options open at that stage. This isn't contradictory to her saying how great she thinks you are. My response now to anyone who is pushing for exclusivity before I'm ready is that, they are more than entitled to do what they are comfortable with, as am I, so if they are not comfortable with dating multiple people after such a short period of time, I would urge them to reconsider whether they want to continue seeing me at all. Meanwhile I will do what I'm comfortable with, which is to continue dating others and assessing who is the most compatible person for me. I don't think it's anything to do with age. And if you think you are such a good catch and you guys have a great thing going, why does it matter that she's keeping her options open? She wouldn't meet anyone that can compare anyway. If anything, it will help confirm her views of whether this is/you are right for her. Link to comment
notalady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I want her to be with me because she wants me, not because I am the best she could find. How does she know if she wants YOU, specifically you as a person, when she barely knows you? All there is right now is initial attraction and chemistry. A more appropriate way to put it is being the most compatible partner she can find. And why wouldn't you want to be that? If a guy I've been on a few dates with finds someone else he thinks is more compatible with him and goes for it, then good on him. Disappointing for me maybe but one has to do what's best for them. And all we're talking about here is really just keeping your options open for the first number of dates, not on an ongoing basis. So I don't see what's wrong with it. However if you take a different view and clearly you do with the woman you are dating, then perhaps you are showing early signs of incompatibility and you are more than entitled to walk away now rather than force it upon her to choose between what she wants to do and what you want her to do. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 How old are you and how old is she? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It is me telling her I can't be an option. If she wants me, take me, dont keep shopping. If you are open to multiple partners then you cant be open to the one. This is pretty much the definition of an ultimatum. And ultimatums after a few dates are a pretty classic red flag in my book. Link to comment
notalady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Not me, I called her on it, told her how I do things and I can not stay home wo,dering if I will be her,one. I am or I am not. Why are you staying home wondering if you are her one, when you should be getting to know her and assessing if she is the one for you. And be out meeting others to see if she is indeed the best match for you. There is nothing to "call her" on, she isn't doing anything wrong. She moves at a different pace than you and one that is more than reasonable to expect, as a lot of people are not comfortable with exclusivity so soon. Just because your views are different doesn't mean you are right and she is wrong. Perhaps you are better off dating someone who has the same views as you. Also, if you are so uncomfortable with it and think it's wrong, don't make threats about walking away, just do. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Being a child???? No, it is being an adult. I am honest and open. I want her to be with me because she wants me, not because I am the best she could find. No, not a child. A petulant child. But that is beside the point. You want her to want you even though there might be another guy out there who shares more commonality with her than you? Don't you think that is a little bit selfish? Being an adult means having confidence that she will make the right choice for herself regardless of who she picks. An adult doesn't corner a person into making a decision, but would give them time and space to let things naturally unfold. I agree the casual dating shouldn't go on forever, but three/four dates is way too soon to state exclusivity. Really, what is the rush? Reminds me of those TV infomercials "You only have two minutes to catch this deal; After that, it's gone forever." Who wants to be pressured into making a decision like that when it comes to a potential life partner? It almost screams insecure to me, like you're afraid to let her shop around because you think she WILL find someone better than you.. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 There is nothing to "call her" on, she isn't doing anything wrong. She moves at a different pace than you and one that is more than reasonable to expect, as a lot of people are not comfortable with exclusivity so soon. Also, if you are so uncomfortable with it and think it's wrong, don't make threats about walking away, just do. THIS!!! You state you're 10 years older with "more experience," but she seems to hold a healthier and more sensible viewpoint of dating. Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Why the rush? You're pressuring her when after 3-4 dates, you should still be dating others. You do seem insecure. Probably need to work on that. If you did that to me I'd bolt. Link to comment
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