Dating multiple people, ok of not?

[notalady]

I don't think we should declare we are a couple yet, but after 4-5 dates serious effort should go to getting to know each other, not multiple people.

 

Unless one is really really bad with multitasking and cannot focus on the person they are spending time with, I don't see how her keeping her options open (and that might mean going on other dates, or simply keeping her online profile active), detracts from putting in serious effort to get to know you.

 

If she takes a serious interest in getting to know you, spend quality time together, keep in regular contact and promptly arrange future dates, essentially doing all the right things in getting to know you in this early dating stage, how is she not putting in serious effort?

 

If she's being flaky with dates and contact, goes hot and cold, seem distracted on dates, shows some kind of disinterest, then you could say sure, she's not putting in serious effort to get to know you.

[notalady]

SO bottom line, it makes me feel like an option, I like I am not good enough unless there isnt better out there. I mean I may be the best now, but in a year or two then what?

 

You're putting the cart before the horse. There are appropriate and acceptable behaviours at each stage of a relationship. Being open to consider other potentially compatible guys out there after just a few weeks or a month or even two months of dating is perfectly acceptable and normal.

 

Being open to consider someone "better" (which is a very subjective term, what are we talking about here, looks? Money? Chemistry?) or actively looking for other options when you've been serious for a year or two, without having broken up with the current partner isn't acceptable behaviour. Some might even say...cheating.

 

So what you're really questioning here is, we've been on 5 dates, but she doesn't want to be exclusive yet, oh no what if she cheats on me in a year or two when she meets someone "better"?!

 

See how ridiculous that is.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes along with a few other minor concerns, but those are my internal issues (for those who read my other thread). We have been on 5 dates now, we talk and laugh for hours without noticing the time fly. We seem totally compatible, I am 10 years older so maybe I just have a better grasp on how rare that is to find.

 

It's actually not that hard to have great chemistry with someone for a month or two. Go to the journal section for proof of that. What's harder is finding something that lasts for years and maybe even a lifetime. Too often people mistake these early butterflies as perfection and focus too much on someone who ends up not being right for them.

[IAmFCA]

My views on this are in my signature.

 

At some point, neither one of us will have interest in any one else. If that point never happens, it wouldn't have happened if one of us demanded it of the other, the dating would have simply moved underground.

 

It's okay to offer dating exclusivity. It's okay to inquire if you're ready to hear any sort of answer. It's not okay to demand it; that leads to a forced yesnot an end to the relationship, neither of which is the desired response.

[greta96]

No it isn't. It is me telling her I can't be an option. If she wants me, take me, dont keep shopping. If you are open to multiple partners then you cant be open to the one.

 

Btw, I learned this from experience and my own dating errors.

 

But seriously, if a guy said to you he limes you but baisicly wants to see if someone better is outt there, you are really ok?

 

Not me, I called her on it, told her how I do things and I can not stay home wo,dering if I will be her,one. I am or I am not.

 

 

I agree with you 100%. But then again, I am from an older generation, plus I didn't grow up in US, so in our culture multi dating was not a thing, in fact dating multiple people at the same time was considered cheating. I still believe, just like you, that if two people like each other and feel there is potential, they should just focus on each other and see where it goes, and if it doesn't work out, that's ok, they are free to pursue someone else. One can tell pretty quickly if they want to get to know the other better or not, and at least in my case, if I met a guy I REALLY liked, I wouldn't be interested AT ALL in meeting another one and going out with him, because all I would be able to think about would be the first guy. I wouldn't even enjoy a date with someone else. But I do realize the thinking on this continent is different, so all you can do is make your stance known to the potential partner. If they feel the same way great, if they are into this multi dating mentality then they are not a good match, too bad so sad, and you move on.

 

To answer your question, if a guy told me he liked me after 2-3 dates but also that he wanted to still date around, I would thank him for his time, wish him the best, and remove myself from the equation. I don't need to be anyone's option, I'm not in anyone's rotation, no thanks, I like myself and deserve better.

 

So if this girl wants to keep dating others, let her. You go find yourself a girl who happens to think like you, and who is able to focus on getting to know you and only you.

[localvet]

I agree with you 100%. But then again, I am from an older generation, plus I didn't grow up in US, so in our culture multi dating was not a thing, in fact dating multiple people at the same time was considered cheating. I still believe, just like you, that if two people like each other and feel there is potential, they should just focus on each other and see where it goes, and if it doesn't work out, that's ok, they are free to pursue someone else. One can tell pretty quickly if they want to get to know the other better or not, and at least in my case, if I met a guy I REALLY liked, I wouldn't be interested AT ALL in meeting another one and going out with him, because all I would be able to think about would be the first guy. I wouldn't even enjoy a date with someone else. But I do realize the thinking on this continent is different, so all you can do is make your stance known to the potential partner. If they feel the same way great, if they are into this multi dating mentality then they are not a good match, too bad so sad, and you move on.

 

To answer your question, if a guy told me he liked me after 2-3 dates but also that he wanted to still date around, I would thank him for his time, wish him the best, and remove myself from the equation. I don't need to be anyone's option, I'm not in anyone's rotation, no thanks, I like myself and deserve better.

 

So if this girl wants to keep dating others, let her. You go find yourself a girl who happens to think like you, and who is able to focus on getting to know you and only you.[p/QUOTE]

 

Thank you

[IAmFCA]

I agree with you 100%. But then again, I am from an older generation, plus I didn't grow up in US, so in our culture multi dating was not a thing, in fact dating multiple people at the same time was considered cheating. I still believe, just like you, that if two people like each other and feel there is potential, they should just focus on each other and see where it goes, and if it doesn't work out, that's ok, they are free to pursue someone else.

 

 

I agree with this: once two people feel there is potential, its time to focus on each other, see where it goes. The question is, WHEN does one make such a determination?

 

One can tell pretty quickly if they want to get to know the other better or not, and at least in my case, if I met a guy I REALLY liked, I wouldn't be interested AT ALL in meeting another one and going out with him, because all I would be able to think about would be the first guy. I wouldn't even enjoy a date with someone else. But I do realize the thinking on this continent is different, so all you can do is make your stance known to the potential partner.

 

Quickly I can tell if I want to get to know you better, yes. It takes more than that for me to gauge whether you are marriage material, or even LTR material. Whether I choose you over others I have not yet met.

 

If they feel the same way great, if they are into this multi dating mentality then they are not a good match, too bad so sad, and you move on.

 

On this point I couldn't disagree more. If both people have similar goals and think there is potential, keep at it. Slow down to match the other person's pace. If sex is something that needs to wait until later, then wait. If sleeping over needs to wait, then wait. Do not let yourself become vulnerable until invited to do so.

 

To answer your question, if a guy told me he liked me after 2-3 dates but also that he wanted to still date around, I would thank him for his time, wish him the best, and remove myself from the equation. I don't need to be anyone's option, I'm not in anyone's rotation, no thanks, I like myself and deserve better.

 

Why is my time frame interpreted as a personal affront against you? After two or three dates, I am not likely to know that I want to date only you. I may hold you in high esteem, I may like you more than anyone else. Three dates tells me nothing of your character, your reliability, your honesty, your behavior when uncomfortable/under pressure/afraid. I will get exclusive with you after we have been together more than two or three times. You will take the time I require to make a decision as an insult. I take it as a reflection of how much I value myself. I deserve to take as much time as I require and will not be pressured by the threat of losing you.

 

So if this girl wants to keep dating others, let her.

Of course. It's her choice.

 

You go find yourself a girl who happens to think like you, and who is able to focus on getting to know you and only you.

... and couple and uncouple over and over, living in serial monogamy until a choice happens to stick. BTDT; exhausting. How does commitment have any meaning, when given so freely? All it means is, I am committed to dating only you, until one day, when I am not. Nope, avoid serial monogamy, consider commitment carefully.

 

Therefore, date several people. Delay activities that mimic emotional intimacy before it is really there. Be intentional and careful before agreeing to date one person. The next person is just around the corner, as is the next challenge. Why commit if either event presents a reason to break up?

[Ms Darcy]

To answer your question, if a guy told me he liked me after 2-3 dates but also that he wanted to still date around, I would thank him for his time, wish him the best, and remove myself from the equation. I don't need to be anyone's option, I'm not in anyone's rotation, no thanks, I like myself and deserve better.

 

Out of curiosity, has that worked out for you?

[IAmFCA]

It's actually not that hard to have great chemistry with someone for a month or two. Go to the journal section for proof of that. What's harder is finding something that lasts for years and maybe even a lifetime. Too often people mistake these early butterflies as perfection and focus too much on someone who ends up not being right for them.

 

True!

 

And true, "go to the journal section" HAHAHAHAHA yes, my journal is no exception! My sister and I used to have a post-date habit. One would say to the other, "How did it go?" The one just home from the date would say, rolling her eyes, "He thinks we clicked." The other would her eyes in understanding. Both of us felt this mutual chemistry of which the man was confident was silly and self involved on his part. All we would do is make good conversation over the dinner table, and that was enough for the guys to be assured of "chemistry". Oh brother!

 

I am wary of chemistry. Well, okay, I felt so in love with Mr Wow!!!! And you good people of eNA tried to clear my vision but I was loyal beyond all reason. When we first met, we both felt destined for one another. And we were, in a way. My child-self was destined to pair with his alter ego. My real self had one more lesson to learn about being codependent, and his real self had to face the reality of thoroughly disordered life. I saw Mr Wow recently --- yes we still are made of the same skin pulled over different bones, oddly the same. A good couple? A couple? No, most assuredly not.

 

Chemistry? It seems like a gift. Instead, it is often a red flag telling us that our dysfunctions wish to feed on each other.

 

The more I understand the value of my commitment, the harder it is for me to give it. Determining suitability for the long haul takes more than a few dates.

[faraday]

Beautiful post IAG, full of honest self reflection and truths. You've come a long way in understanding...I'm proud of you

[greta96]

Out of curiosity, has that worked out for you?

 

Yes, definitely! I dated a lot in my life, and yet never in my life have I multi dated, nor have my boyfriends, actually I guess I was lucky enough to only meet guys who wouldn't multi date anyway. Just like I can understand the multi dating mentality because I live here now, people should also try to understand our mentality, because it is just as valid. It may not make sense to you, just like the multi dating thing doesn't make any sense to me, it's simply one of those things that exist out there, in some parts of the world.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks Greta. I think your mentality is perfectly valid about wanting to date one person at a time. What I have trouble with for any perspective is two things. One, imposing.one perspective as wrong. She's not wrong for wanting to keep her options open so early on. They are just not compatible. Two, using that mentality as a way to string someone along .... which I explained earlier. I would have no issues with him asking her to be his gf but this exclusivity stuff is basically keeping the girl in a glass case. I don't want it completely right now but I don't want anyone else to have it.

[greta96]

Thanks Greta. I think your mentality is perfectly valid about wanting to date one person at a time. What I have trouble with for any perspective is two things. One, imposing.one perspective as wrong. She's not wrong for wanting to keep her options open so early on. They are just not compatible. Two, using that mentality as a way to string someone along .... which I explained earlier. I would have no issues with him asking her to be his gf but this exclusivity stuff is basically keeping the girl in a glass case. I don't want it completely right now but I don't want anyone else to have it.

 

For sure, I would never say one way of thinking is right and one is wrong, it is just something that is out there and one more thing people have to be compatible about - just like all the other beliefs us humans hold. I agree that what is wrong is trying to impose a belief (whatever that may be) on someone else, as they either have it or they don't. Also, if one expects exclusivity, they have to be prepared to reciprocate.

It all comes down to compatibility in beliefs and goals, much like everything else in life...

[IAmFCA]

My biggest point on this topic is that each person comes to a relationship at his or her own pace, and to dismiss someone whose pace is different than our own is a risky business.