Does he genuinely love me? Is he having an affair?

[Unsureofhim]

For the past three months I've been seeing a guy a lot. We've been chatting and texting for about eight months so know each other pretty well. He'd always been really sweet and we got on really well, so when he suggested hooking up 'as friends' I agreed. However, the more and more we saw of each other, the more I began to feel that the 'friends with benefits' line was a way to start a relationship but not be too committal. At times he can be really supportive and romantic, and usually we will talk all day and evening; he buys me presents (and I buy him them too!) and we spend a lot of time together. Several times he has jokingly mentioned between us that I am his 'girlfriend', but although he's told some of his male friends that we are 'seeing' each other; he's never really fully committed. When we go out together he is worried that people might see us together and gossip, but sometimes I wonder if it's just that he is ashamed to be seen with me. I get quite confused because when we are together I feel like he really does love me: he does sweet, thoughtful things, is caring and considerate; but then his reluctance to recognise us as in a relationship makes me wonder if he means any of it. He confuses me a lot. Sometimes he says things like: 'let's just have get a house, get married and have a baby' and then other times he'll seem to revert back to the non-committal stage and mention how I'll move on and find someone else at some stage - as if he wants this to happen. I'm just so confused as to whether he has genuine feelings for me or not, or if he is just using me. I feel like we get on really well and just don't know whether he doesn't want to tell me he loves me as I haven't said anything yet, or if he genuinely doesn't.

I think it is worth mentioning that he talks about his ex a lot, even though they broke up three years ago (and were only together three and a half years). I thought that this was because the time he spent with her formed memories that were part of his life, but I always feel like second best.

Also, he is really good friends with a woman he works with, whom I know and like. He has always been straight that they are best friends. He has often told me that people have asked if they are a couple, and that they are like that but he doesn't find her attractive or anything like that. They've been friends for so long and nothing has ever happened between them so I presumed that if something was going to happen it would have done long before me. However, recently he has (due to outside circumstances) had to rent a room in her house. It is worth mentioning that he has not told her that we are seeing each other, as he doesn't want her to 'worry' about us doing things in her house.

I find it all so weird as when we are out together she obsessively calls and texts him, asking where he is and how long he is going to be. He tells me all this so it's not like he's lying about it. And I've seen them both together and there really doesn't seem to be any 'romantic air' if you know what I mean, and he jokes about her exes and stuff as friends would. He told me he would never cheat on me or anything, but I just have doubts. I feel like I love him, but that he doesn't want to commit to that fully, despite (I believe from things he's said and done) that he does love and care for me. I just don't know what his feelings are anymore, and I just want to know that he's being faithful.

[DoF]

For the past three months I've been seeing a guy a lot. We've been chatting and texting for about eight months so know each other pretty well.

 

Actually you don't, you don't know him at all.

 

He'd always been really sweet and we got on really well, so when he suggested hooking up 'as friends' I agreed. However, the more and more we saw of each other, the more I began to feel that the 'friends with benefits' line was a way to start a relationship but not be too committal. At times he can be really supportive and romantic, and usually we will talk all day and evening; he buys me presents (and I buy him them too!) and we spend a lot of time together. Several times he has jokingly mentioned between us that I am his 'girlfriend', but although he's told some of his male friends that we are 'seeing' each other; he's never really fully committed. When we go out together he is worried that people might see us together and gossip, but sometimes I wonder if it's just that he is ashamed to be seen with me. I get quite confused because when we are together I feel like he really does love me: he does sweet, thoughtful things, is caring and considerate; but then his reluctance to recognise us as in a relationship makes me wonder if he means any of it. He confuses me a lot. Sometimes he says things like: 'let's just have get a house, get married and have a baby' and then other times he'll seem to revert back to the non-committal stage and mention how I'll move on and find someone else at some stage - as if he wants this to happen. I'm just so confused as to whether he has genuine feelings for me or not, or if he is just using me. I feel like we get on really well and just don't know whether he doesn't want to tell me he loves me as I haven't said anything yet, or if he genuinely doesn't.

I think it is worth mentioning that he talks about his ex a lot, even though they broke up three years ago (and were only together three and a half years). I thought that this was because the time he spent with her formed memories that were part of his life, but I always feel like second best.

Also, he is really good friends with a woman he works with, whom I know and like. He has always been straight that they are best friends. He has often told me that people have asked if they are a couple, and that they are like that but he doesn't find her attractive or anything like that. They've been friends for so long and nothing has ever happened between them so I presumed that if something was going to happen it would have done long before me. However, recently he has (due to outside circumstances) had to rent a room in her house. It is worth mentioning that he has not told her that we are seeing each other, as he doesn't want her to 'worry' about us doing things in her house.

I find it all so weird as when we are out together she obsessively calls and texts him, asking where he is and how long he is going to be. He tells me all this so it's not like he's lying about it. And I've seen them both together and there really doesn't seem to be any 'romantic air' if you know what I mean, and he jokes about her exes and stuff as friends would. He told me he would never cheat on me or anything, but I just have doubts. I feel like I love him, but that he doesn't want to commit to that fully, despite (I believe from things he's said and done) that he does love and care for me. I just don't know what his feelings are anymore, and I just want to know that he's being faithful.

 

If you never had a discussion on being exclusive, define boundaries (what's cheating what's not) then there is no relationship.

 

He is doing whatever YOU are allowing him to do. I'm not exactly sure why more ladies don't understand that. YOU are the gate keeper.

 

Sounds like he is working you good. All the benefits of the relationship without the commitment.

 

This guy sounds like a dog....he is using you...

[ParisPaulette]

I don't think she's his ex, frankly. Or else he's sleeping with her as well as you.

 

Come on, the guy is keeping you a secret and is worried people will gossip? Last I checked worrying about others gossiping over the person you're dating meant they didn't want the stories to get back to someone else they had on the line. And sure he'll introduce you to some of his male buddies, they probably all high-five each other behind your back about how he's able to pull it off with two women.

 

I'm sorry, but affair? Yes, but not with her, with you. You're the other woman. She's not an ex or not as ex as he wants you to believe anyways. Don't believe me go look her up and have a little chat. I'm sure you'll find it all very illuminating and so will she.

[ThatwasThen]

They've been friends for so long and nothing has ever happened between them

Did she tell you that or did she?

[alli]

If you feel like you love him, you are both single and there is no other reason you would need to keep a relationship on the down low (such as workplaces that have policies against dating coworkers) why would you not be dating each other right now? Why wouldn't all of your good friends and his good friends know? Why does he need to keep it a secret from the person he is "renting" a room from?

 

The answer to all of these questions is that he doesn't want people to know. It's up to you to determine why that is.

 

If you're fine being a FWB and fine with it ending whenever, that is one thing. But if you want a relationship with him, and it sounds like you do, it isn't going to happen.

 

Let's recap the important points here:

 

He said "hooking up as friends" from the very beginning

He is non-committal. Any words indicating otherwise (house, married, kids) have not in any way come to fruition

He doesn't want people to see you together

He lives with another woman and doesn't want her to know you guys are hooking up

People assume he is in a relationship with said woman. She calls and texts him as a girlfriend would.

 

Even if he has not done anything physical with her yet, I imagine the two of them will start dating in the near future. They live in the same house, after all.

 

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, why wouldn't he do it right now??

 

It sucks but it's better that you see this coming. It's hard when you fall for someone but he did say FWB from the start. It's dumb of him to string you along with talk of marriage and family. He is doing what makes him feel good right now as an immature, self-centered person would. And you are letting him at the expense of your own heart. Open your eyes.

[angelamckenzie]

My first initial thought that is he is either cheating on someone with you as to why he doesn't want to be seen in public with you. Or is just using you. I do find it a little bit disrespectful on your part that you are basically jealous when he talks to other women. I don't believe you have the right to, unless he made it clear to you from the start that he wants a relationship or has showed you genuine signs he wants you to be his woman. His change in behaviour from what you described that he talks about being serious with you, which is a way of reeling you in and then goes back to treating you how he told you he would from the start, is a clear sign he is using you. This is sort of "ghosting" as well. An emotional trap. He wants you to know your place basically. He made it pretty clear to you from the beginning that you two are just "friends with benefits". He seems like a sweet talker and something about him is corny, sorry.

 

As everyone says, you could do better and I believe you can.