I want to handle this better, please help

[Worriedgf]

I'm in a long distance relationship, we love in different states. My boyfriend has a quite new Co. He and his other male Co. Worker talked about her when I was with them once and I remember that my bf said that she's really pretty. Few weeks after my boyfriend had some tyckets to a game, I was not there that weekend, his male friends couldn't go and he told me that he had said to her that he'd go with her but at the same time he said, but maybe we shouldn't, it might be inappropriate or a bad idea (not syre which one). She'd said that she would go. Later that day he told me about their conversation and it really bothered me, and to be honest I felt rather sad. He kind of asked for a permission to go with her, and I felt that he sent out strange signals to her saying he'd go but they shouldn't.., i made a whole thing out of it, which I actually really regret. I know that I should let him choose his friends, and that they might be female sometimes. I know I have to trust him, the way he did it and that I know he think she's pretty really bothers me. How do I make this right? Am I to sensitive about this? I feel so torned, and it seem to me he took it as he shouldn't invite any girl to the game, which was really not what I meant or wanted. I feel controlling and I don't want to be, that would make him leave if anything. I'm also worried vecause he once left a girl for another girl he had befriended (not for me). I guess I shouldn't judge him for his past, but it is hard. Please give me some advide, can I fix this?

[Man with Dog]

Men can find a girl pretty but not want to sleep with them. Also, it is possible to be friends with someone of the gender you are attracted to.

 

If he was a player, he'd find a way of cheating without inviting a girl to a sports event.

 

I'd say don't worry.

[Worriedgf]

I guess you're right. It's just that they spend alot of time together in a group of other people. That doesn't bother me at all, I guess my jealousy comes from fearing they'll get to close. But again, I have to trust him. I'm just affraid that the damage is already done, he said he'd stay away from her which was not what I wanted at all. I want to let him know that I am not going to decide who he can and cannot meet or be friends with and that I trust him to know whats appropriet. I'm affraid to annoy him by bringing up the subject again. I understand that jealousy arises from being away, I'm envious of everyone who gets to spend time with him because he is wonderful and I wish I could be there to spend time with him. Usually I'm not really a jealous person at all, but distance makes a difference. Any good advices how to deal with jealous feelings?

[Heather Dawn]

I think the problem is that she's there, daily, and you're not. That's what might pose the problem at some point, if he finds her attractive and likes her in other ways.

[DoF]

First off, you are in a Long Distance relationship. It's most likely not enough companionship and intimacy to meet yours or his needs. One of thousands of reasons why LDR don't work......

 

What he is doing is quite inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and your relationship.

 

Go ahead and ask him how he would feel if you went out with some guy. If he says he wouldn't mind......chances are that this relationship is done with already....

 

men can find a girl pretty but not want to sleep with them.

 

But that's not a foundation/basis of a healthy "friendship". And men will not be friends with a woman they don't find attractive, which means.....they can't really be friends with a woman.

 

Unless you believe in some fake/make believe "friendships".

 

Also, it is possible to be friends with someone of the gender you are attracted to.

 

It is, but not for most men. If there is ANY kind of attraction from either side.....it's not friendship.

[Worriedgf]

He actually got the tickets a long time ago, for a good price I think. He offered me to go if I could make it that weekend. We've been in a relationship for two years, yes it us hard, but it's been working so far. When I latched out he actually said that he understood why it seemed wrong, and he was sad about the whole situation. I just started to think afterwards wether my reaction was wrong or right. After all, i should not control him. I would absolutely not be ok with them hanging out a lot and grew closer the we are of course, but I just don't know if it was fair to mistrust him and kind of deny him to see a game with a Co worker. See what I mean? I don't want to push him away by being jealous.

[mhowe]

he took it as he shouldn't invite any girl to the game, which was really not what I meant or wanted.

 

It really is what you wanted or you wouldn't have gone off on him.

[Andrina]

Does your dad tell your mom that his co-worker Julie wants to go bowling, and since your mother doesn't like bowling, that he's going with Julie? I don't know of any established couples where this is happening. In the world of couples I know, guys hang out with their guy friends, couples get together for double dates, and then there are group activities with many couples.

 

I know that you're probably in your early twenties, and it's common to have opposite sex friends, but once people get in serious relationships, as you can see, it causes problems. There are some adults who do have opposite sex close friends, even though they are in a relationship and it works for them, and all the power to them. In my case, I wouldn't be comfortable with that, and my husband and I have discussed boundaries and we don't have a problem sticking to them, since we're both on the same page.

 

Basically, these are boundaries you should have discussed when you became exclusive, and if you weren't on the same page, then he wouldn't be the right one for you. Don't go against your wishes because you think you're "controlling." There's nothing controlling about it. It's called being accountable when you're in a relationship. Basically, the discussion should be that if you agree on boundaries, and if you don't, it's time to move on, which you probably don't want to hear.

 

With long distance, and a guy being young and unmarried, it may very well be like the song says, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Spending time with a young pretty thing, one on one, does open the door for feelings to develop, and it's not good for your relationship. When do you expect to be permanently be in the same locality together? Do you have the same life goals if it leads to marriage? Always remember that your needs are important, and don't cling to a man just because you love him. He needs to treat you as the priority you are. Take care.

[DoF]

He actually got the tickets a long time ago, for a good price I think. He offered me to go if I could make it that weekend. We've been in a relationship for two years, yes it us hard, but it's been working so far. When I latched out he actually said that he understood why it seemed wrong, and he was sad about the whole situation. I just started to think afterwards wether my reaction was wrong or right. After all, i should not control him. I would absolutely not be ok with them hanging out a lot and grew closer the we are of course, but I just don't know if it was fair to mistrust him and kind of deny him to see a game with a Co worker. See what I mean? I don't want to push him away by being jealous.

 

Appologise for your reaction. And thank him for his honesty.

 

This is important.

 

As for hanging out with opposite sex, it's a "boundary/rule" in most relationships including mine. It's simply inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

NOTHING to do with trust, and everything to do with HUMAN NATURE. Whenever you take 2 members of opposite sex and they spend time together, nature will take it's course and feelings will develop IN TIME.

 

I don't care how strong willed a person might be, nature is a force you cannot defeat.

 

 

[Man with Dog]

From the reactions, it seems that someone bisexual cannot have friends at all because either gender could be someone who can't wait to snatch them off their partner!

[Heather Dawn]

And men will not be friends with a woman they don't find attractive, which means.....they can't really be friends with a woman.

 

Unless you believe in some fake/make believe "friendships".

 

When I was single, I'd had a few dates with a guy that was really lovely in every way - but one night, we were hanging out and he made a snarky comment about a passing woman - one he'd perceived to be unattractive. It spurred a conversation about women's appearances and here was this otherwise very nice guy, in all sincerity, telling me that men won't even be friends with unattractive women.

 

I was shocked at this, and I KNOW that not all men are like that - but a lot are. It's weird. Women don't base friendships on appearance, male or female.

[Man with Dog]

When I was single, I'd had a few dates with a guy that was really lovely in every way - but one night, we were hanging out and he made a snarky comment about a passing woman - one he'd perceived to be unattractive. It spurred a conversation about women's appearances and here was this otherwise very nice guy, in all sincerity, telling me that men won't even be friends with unattractive women.

 

I was shocked at this, and I KNOW that not all men are like that - but a lot are. It's weird. Women don't base friendships on appearance, male or female.

 

What an ! Was his name Shallow Hal by any chance?

[Heather Dawn]

What an ! Was his name Shallow Hal by any chance?

 

Haha, right? He was like, "Yeah, if a woman isn't attractive we don't even want to be friends because then we have nothing to look at when we're together."

[Worriedgf]

Thanks you guys, maybe it's not completely unreasobable then. Well, good thing is that he could understand why I reacted the way I did. At least I think he did. I said to him to put himself in my shoes and asked what he would feel and he would feel a lot like me. I also told him that I try to put myself in his shoes whenever I'm meeting new male friends, because I think very often that is a good way to know boundries. I have no problem with his old female friends, i don't mind that he spends time in a group of Co worker either. I'm just not really comfortable with him spending time alone with a woman he just met a while a go. As for the distance, hopefully we'll close that by the end of the year

[Worriedgf]

And I would of course not want him to hang out a whole lot with any girl, even if she´s not "pretty".

There is a fine line I guess, and I guess it's true. It's not all about trusting somebody, but human nature. That is the reason why I would not

want my boyfriend to spend too much time with another girl, it is risky. I think I will talk to him once we meet, I guess we need to

have a conversation about what we both feel is okey and not.

[reinventmyself]

I think the fact that one or the other said "but maybe we shouldn't, it might be inappropriate or a bad idea" taints the situation a little bit.

 

I wouldn't think twice of going somewhere with one of my male friends because whether it's appropriate or not isn't on our radar.

Our friendship isn't in question and we are both clear where we stand.

[Worriedgf]

I think the fact that one or the other said "but maybe we shouldn't, it might be inappropriate or a bad idea" taints the situation a little bit.

 

I wouldn't think twice of going somewhere with one of my male friends because whether it's appropriate or not isn't on our radar.

Our friendship isn't in question and we are both clear where we stand.

 

 

I know right! It's like he know I would mind, and I also think one his friends has a thing for her so it would be inappropriate for more then one reason.

Anyway, he told me he'd stay away, not because he's worried that something might happen, but out of respect for me and our relationship, because that is

more important.