He cheated on me. won't talk to me and won't return my house key

[melancholy123]

Angiro your advice to this girl is so wrong!

[JennaG]

I know angrios advice is wrong, haha, dont worry, im not silly, but thank you for pointing that out lol.

[ParisPaulette]

In looking over your responses, some of which came in after I sent mine, I think the problem is you don't realize some things are red flags. Uber-passivity can be just as bad as being too aggressive and in this guy's case I think that may be a serious problem. He was mistreated in his last relationship yet stayed. You had to aggressively pursue him for two months before he began something with you. Some girl is aggressive to him at a party and right away he caves and cheats. It's a pretty clear pattern this guy goes with whatever female is in front of him pushing on him to do something.

 

Honestly, the red flag here is you have someone who acts like a leaf blowing in the wind who is going to simply please whoever pushes him rather than standing up for his own beliefs and rightness. That you had to talk to him for two months and that he was a doormat in his last relationship are not signs he'd be good to someone who was good to him. They are signs he has no boundaries and no self-esteem to simply say no and stand up for what he thinks is right.

 

I think you need to heal and take a step back from relationships altogether, work on your own life and happiness and learn how to spot problematic people and not let them get a toehold in the door to begin with. And I know that's not easy, but I suspect you've been either looking for the wrong qualities in people or something else is going on. To the end of you choosing the wrong sorts of people for partners that may indeed by your fault. But it's not your fault this guy sounds like he has zero spine. That's on him.

 

P.S.

I made all conversation for the first 2 months of our relationship until he opened up.

This is in direct conflict with your earlier statement about how you wouldn't let him get close for the first six months. Do you see it was never you? You made the first moves all along. And bluntly speaking you also all started something too soon. If he was just four months out of a long relationship then he never had time to process everything, to learn and grow with what his role in letting himself get walked on was. He just sort of passively sat there then went off with the next girl, you, who made an effort on him.

 

So there's another red flag right there. He didn't learn anything from his last relationship and truly move past it. He just fell into lockstep with the next girl who came along and that was you. If the girl he cheated with you on decided to put a ring in his nose and lead him around it's my sense he will simply do so. Is he happy in any of those scenarios? I doubt it. He probably honestly felt he didn't deserve you and there's some truth to that. Because he hadn't done the hard work of putting his life together and learning to choose and be an active true partner instead of just saying "sure" to everything and everyone.

[Hermes]

Yes, Paulette.

 

"I think you need to heal and take a step back from relationships altogether, work on your own life and happiness and learn how to spot problematic people and not let them get a toehold in the door to begin with. And I know that's not easy, but I suspect you've been either looking for the wrong qualities in people or something else is going on. To the end of you choosing the wrong sorts of people for partners that may indeed by your fault."

 

Hence, Jenna, do read the link I posted above.

[JennaG]

Hi sorry, I'm not being very clear. I diddnt pursue him. He pursued me and asked me to meet and he asked to see me and to meet up. What I'm trying to explain he's not very good at conversation so I always brought up topics to talk about etc but he always messaged me first and always made the first move. After around 3 months he asked if we were serious and I said no. He asked again a month or so later and I said no. That's what I mean by I pushed him away at the beginning. Yes his ex treat him badly and he did eventually leave. I agree with your point about him thinking he dosnt deserve me as he had said that to me a couple of times. I have been very good to him and he's not used to it. I think he's been treat badly alot and dosnt know how to look after someone who looks after him.

[ParisPaulette]

This just makes my point even more. This guy jumped out of a bad relationship and rather than do the hard work of getting himself straightened out he pursued you, a woman he couldn't even manage to make conversation with for three months. Three months. Do you not realize how insane that sounds. "I want to meet up with you." Then sits there like a bump in a log while you do all the heavy lifting. And then wants to know if it's serious--? He couldn't even talk to you and he was wanting to rush into something else.

 

This just tells me the guy can't be alone. He never sat down and got any sort of therapy or clarity about why he stayed so long in a bad relationship. He bailed for the first woman who would pay him any serious attention, but frankly if you had to do most of the talking for three months he wasn't that into you to begin with.

 

I'm sorry, still seeing a ton of red flags here. And you will too once you get clear and free and have your own moments of clarity. Please stay single. Please stay gone. The person who can't have or accept a good thing, who makes sure to sabotage it, is the one who is emotionally so unhealthy it doesn't matter what it is. They will not be able to handle having it. People forget this in their rush to be good to someone who has had it bad in life. It only works if the person who had it bad in life or was mistreated is at a point in their lives and sanity where they can actually accept a good thing.

 

Your comments almost make me wonder if you aren't attracted to the guys who you perceive have been hurt in some way or need saving. That may not be the case, but with this one you keep going on about how hurt he was. And yet no one took a gun to his head and forced him to stay with the ex. He did that all on his own, which says something. And now he's gone and cheated and effectively flushed away another relationship.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't see that you were ever with someone who was emotionally healthy or frankly anywhere close to being in a relationship to begin with. You were actually right to not want to jump into things with him in the beginning. And that is definitely not why he later cheated on you. Come on, how often have you known people who said, "I want this thing," and then they work and work and finally they get it, it's good, and then they toss it aside "meh, not so great after all." Or I guess I should say, how many sane, normal, healthy, happy individuals do you know that do that. Most of us are just happy and grateful as all get out that we succeeded. It's not normal to let a good thing go either.

 

You need to stop looking into yourself beyond why you keep ending up in the same place being cheated on. Something about these guys, even if not on the surface, has a common denominator. You're missing a red flag of five somewhere at the beginning that they display and that's where you're going wrong. It's not that you aren't cooking properly or cleaning or telling the guy to slow down and get to know each other better before you all rush into seriousville. A truly good person would have respected your wishes on that and would love you more, not be using it as the excuse to why they later cheated on you.

 

Bottom line you need to stop making excuses for this guy. He pursued you too soon out of a relationship, it sounds like he maybe did it for all the wrong reasons, wasn't happy but wouldn't communicate since he definitely has problems in that area, and then just made a choice to cheat then try to lie about it. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't want to break up with you long before he did, but is so passive aggressive this was the only way he could bring himself to do it. How was he when you all would fight? Was he passive? Controlling? Did he do things sort behind your back then act like, "Oh, no. I didn't mean for that to happen?" Did he keep talking about past hurts and going over them with you?

 

These are all red flag behaviors to take a look at. And you may want to check out the website link removed. That website has some of the best advice and explanations for when relationships go wrong that I have ever seen in my life. She literally saved me from a six-year toxic relationship since yes I had my own set of red flags I would not pay attention to and so indeed I kept ending up with the wrong sort of men for me. Another great website for you to check out is this one: link removed

 

Arm yourself with some good information, walk out of the fog, it's a new day and you can recover and go on to find far, far better for yourself.

[JennaG]

Bottom line you need to stop making excuses for this guy. He pursued you too soon out of a relationship, it sounds like he maybe did it for all the wrong reasons, wasn't happy but wouldn't communicate since he definitely has problems in that area, and then just made a choice to cheat then try to lie about it. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't want to break up with you long before he did, but is so passive aggressive this was the only way he could bring himself to do it. How was he when you all would fight? Was he passive? Controlling? Did he do things sort behind your back then act like, "Oh, no. I didn't mean for that to happen?" Did he keep talking about past hurts and going over them with you?

 

Thank you again for your helpful reply. In answer to you'r above questions.

He wasn't controlling at all, always let me be myself and never asked questions about what i was doing or where i was going, apart from if i was going to a show or something then he would obviously ask what to see and if it was any good etc.

We never really argued, he isnt a person who likes confrontation, and I never had anything to argue with him over, apart from leaving the oven and leaving the toilet seat up, both of which we managed to laugh about afterwards.

He was never sneaky, never went behind my back, diddnt have a lock on his phone and always let me play games on it without being bothered about what else i might be doing on it, although i trusted him and never felt the need to go through it.

He diddnt really talk about his past hurt, the only time i genuinely saw him upset was the day his ex called him and told him he couldnt see her son anymore because she diddnt want him in his life anymore. that day was the day i saw him hurt, but no he never went on about it, or used it as an esxcuse for anything. he is unusual, and i think he is frightened of being hurt, which is why he did this, before i did it to him, so to speak.

 

Thanks for all he great advice guys, i have loads to think over and read. Truly, thank you