I have been so stupid for too long and its time to let it go

[BeesPerplexed]

I have been so stupid for too long and its time to let it go.

 

I met my boyfriend of 8 months online through a dating site called badoo. We hit it off immediately as there was something different about him than the others that were trying to talk to me. I truly was looking for a guy to hang with, go on dates, and have a good time, but I didnt want a boyfriend. After much persistence I gave in and decided to be his girlfriend on Christmas day.

 

We connected on so many levels, and he made me so happy, i havent been this happy in years. However, he did suspicious things from the beginning like quickly changing his phone screen when I got close. Not showing up on time for dates like EVER, and when he did he would be 1-2 hours late. I am however a believer in fair chances so I listened to his reasons and believed them.

 

Well in May, on mothers day to be exact, I found out he has a profile on almost every dating site and was actively seeking over 40 women. Most were out of state but some were local. Throughout this period i discovered how much he lies and how good at it he was. His claims were that these convos are just friendly convos about life and business. But I discovered otherwise when I comfiscated his phone against his will. I discovered he was having sexual convos with a local exchanging inappropriate pics and texting. This prompted me to look at the phone bill where I discovered he was texting atleast 10 locals. I called them and of course they knew nothing about me, but he hadnt slept with anyone else but me, or so I thought. After much digging and his half truth BS confessions, one girl told me they did sleep together. Her story had holes in it major holes like when it happened, because he was with me the night she claimed it happened. He did confess that she almost gave him head but he stopped her, because he realized hiw much he wanted to be with me. Thus incedent took place in January, the beginning of our official relationship. Throughout the rest of May and most of June it was a BATTLE about lies, truths, claims he was done with sites, claims he was done with innapropriate ads on craigslist, and his efforts to become a better man, but I stuck through it all. I threatned to leave him, I ignored him, blocked him and, tried to cut all communication, but he persued like crazy to get me to stay.

 

In July things got better, the lies were less damaging and happened less often. We took an amazing trip where we became even closer, like I realized I really really love him alot. Something hasnt changed though; he still gets really defensive when hes in the wrong. He has the hardest time admitting his faults in a timely fassion. And now that hes doing better he tried to equate our wrongs like I have done as much damage as he has.

 

At the end of July after discovering he was still chatting with women online I decided to give him a taste of what he was doing to me. I downloaded Glide for the first time and set my profile to discoverable. I messaged 2 guys back but I couldnt even get past 2 sentences because they werent like my bf they werent good enough in my eyes.

 

Despite all this, I have noticed improvement and weve been getting more serious and thinking of getting a house together. I told him before I move in I need him to take a lie detector test, a test he agreed to take in May. He objected and said he will take it later not now. Yesterday he kept me and my kids waiting for him outside in the Arizona heat for 45 minutes while he kept telling me he would be there soon every 15 minutes. This immediately reminded me of how he used to keep me waiting on him while he did only God knows what. Later in the evening I told him I was done, he got ugly with me told me how hes tried to change (which I have seen changes), told me I was crazy and he is going to a basketball game at 9:00. He went outside cleaned off his car with the hose and then left. When he got back to my house he discovered how serious I was about being done, so he did the same ol thing trying to reel me back in but I didnt break this time.

 

This is the hardest thing to do. My kids love him especially my youngest, they have a strong bond. I love him soooooo much I love him, but I dont trust him and its time to let it go.

[musicman777]

OP,

Let me weigh in here. First of all, I want to say something. Lie detector test are bull****, you should never rely on one. They are not a guaranteed device to tell if someone is lying or not and sometimes give false positives. They can be EASILY manipulated. Do you know all one has to do (not joke) is tighten their anus during the asking of a question and it confuses the polygraph? It jumbles the the patterns that the lie detectors use in respiratory rate and blood pressure. But besides the point...

 

You don't need a lie detector to know what is going on here. You got proof and confirmation directly from one of the girls that wanted to give him oral sex. He refused, but that is beyond the point now. And who knows if she was lying about it as well and really did do it. Your boyfriend is obviously not serious and committed to you. It sounds like he still wants to do some fooling around and isn't serious about any one particular girl in this stage of his life. You need to let him go and find someone new.

 

Your kids, they will get over him. You should educate them and tell them that he was not their father but your boyfriend, and boyfriends don't always last. They don't need a super thorough explanation. Just tell them you and you boyfriend don't love each other anymore and he can't be part of their life. Next time you date someone, you should keep them at a distance from your children until you know they are the right one. Eight months is not very long. Introducing them is OK, but having them "love" him sounds like you constantly had this guy around them. That is not good. Good luck. You will find someone better.

[Hollyj]

Are you serious! You allowed him to be 1-2 hours late. I can occasionally see being 30 min. late with contact that he was on the way; otherwise you let him walk all over you. Where are your boundaries???????

 

I cannot believe you went back!!! Where is your self respect?

 

Weren't as good as your boyfriend. How is that possible, as the bar is so low with him. This man does not care about or respect you!

 

You have brought kids into this mess. What is wrong with you? How could you consider putting your kids into this environment.

 

I would seriously consider counseling, as you do not value or like yourself, at all.

[Jeffbobo]

This guy is like a rebellious teenager with no boundaries. He does this crap because you let him get away with it and he knows it. Read back to yourself what you have written but read it back as if someone else had posted it. What would you tell that other poster?

[BeesPerplexed]

I completely agree, I knew it was too soon to bring him around the kids. It was actually an accident how it happened, I just didnt really stop the interaction I allowed it to comtinue. Thank you for the advice about the lie detector test, I had no idea.

[BeesPerplexed]

I do think youre being a bit harsh but I will respond anyway. He is not a monster and my kids have been in a loving environment. I love/like myself very much, I have failed at sticking to my standards. I was in a long marriage and he lied alot as well, the difference here is I wasnt treated as badly through the lies (I know that sounds dumb). Evrything in my gut told me to leave him alone the night he left me hangin for 2 hours, but I stupidly allowed myself to get sucked in.

[BeesPerplexed]

Jeffbobo, you have no idea how right you are. I realize I have actually given advice about these type of guys to my closest family members and here I am finding myself in this situation. I dont like it I am this is why Im putting an end to it once and for all. Its very hard to let go but I know its what I have to do. I just wanna cry, but talking about it here helps.

[Hollyj]

The guy has repeatedly cheated and lied to you. He has disrespected you over and over. How do you not see this?

 

I can't imagine how your husband treated you, if this is better.

 

By exposing your children to this environment, you are teaching your sons to disrespect women, and daughters to allow disrespect. Your children should be in a safe and healthy environment, and this would not be it.

 

I am serious, you need counseling. You expect waaaaaaay too little for yourself, and you are choosing very bad men. If a man loves and respects you, he does not treat you in this manner.

 

Be a strong woman for your kids. You are their role model.

 

If you had some self esteem, you would have dumped this creep, the second time he kept you waiting. And, you should have definitely kicked him out, the first time you saw him on the sites. Many red flags that you choose to ignore and forgive. This is who he is. You need a better picker.

[Helpexpressme]

I think she is done with this man? It takes time to realize that he is not good for you and total waste of your time and love. And I get that you love him and it's very hard to end it and walk away. But good on you for recognizing that he is just not good to have in your life, as hard as it is.

[Tayla92]

I'm sorry but I just have to say if you have to get your boyfriend to take a lie detector test then he's probably not who you want to be with anyway!

[chrisroary]

When you hear both sides of a relationship then you can comment but comment on your own life first....

[BeesPerplexed]

Really Chris.... Then give your side. You seem to think that youre in the right but youre all wrong..... So wrong Whatever your reason was for not showing me your phone last night is enough reason to leave you alone for good.I cant believe Ive put myself in a situation like this for so freakin long. Yousir WILL NEVER CHANGE. I hope by the time you get to your next victim you atleast admit what youre doing wrong. It helps when you see some one is willing to change... Youre not willing to change. But your welcome to share your side anyhow... You know because your such a victim in this.

[BeesPerplexed]

Im sorry this happened to you but can you please make your own thread.

[Hollyj]

Bees,

 

You're no victim. You CHOSE to return, again and again. You knew who he was, and that he treated you like garbage, yet he had an open door,

[BeesPerplexed]

I never said I was a victim. Isnt this forum here so people like me can express their feelings if all you can do is attack me....bye

[Hollyj]

You said to your boyfriend " next victim."

[Jeffbobo]

Jeffbobo, you have no idea how right you are. I realize I have actually given advice about these type of guys to my closest family members and here I am finding myself in this situation. I dont like it I am this is why Im putting an end to it once and for all. Its very hard to let go but I know its what I have to do. I just wanna cry, but talking about it here helps.

 

I understand. You've done nothing wrong and are not at fault. When you are in the thick of it, you can't see clearly. It takes a lot to step back and look at things from fifty thousand feet when it's you that are in the situation and vested in a variety of ways. It's much easier, as you know, when you're on the outside looking in.

 

You attempt to candy coat this situation by making excuses for him and weighing the good with the bad but this is not a good situation for you or your kids.